DH died suddenly-need support and prayers please

[Evenstar]

My DH passed away suddenly on Thursday 26 June, there has to be a post mortem and I cannot bring him home until the coroner releases his body. I am struggling to realise that he is gone, as I have been unable to go and see him owing to distance from home and mortuary being closed at weekend. Mum and brother are here, am getting amazing support from them, my 3 children and so many friends. I am finding it hard at night and getting up very early not wanting to wake others but feel need to chat.

Yes, luckily we do have male friends, my mum's partner and my dear brother who are all looking out for DS2 and make a special fuss of him. His best friend's dad has promised that he will do boy things with him, we are very fortunate to have so much support.

Thinking of you Evenstar.

That's great - it's so important. Oh... and my son's friend confided in me that he was really worried about his mum dying but couldn't talk to her about it. And that he felt that he should be 'the man of the house' now. Bless him, he was only 11 when his dad died. So I think maybe some of the conflict with you and your ds might be because he is trying to step into his dad's shoes and be protective of you?

Hello, Evenstar, am able to catch up briefly as life has been v. hectic this week with unexpected work. Well done with the mortgage, that must be a weight off your mind. It is tragic that your dh isn't there but it is fantastic that you are provided for. No consolation for the pain of losing him, I know, but he would have wanted you to be secure.

You are bound to have times like the one at ds2's school, but maybe the times between them will get longer. Nobody would expect you to be unemotional and it sounds as if they really care at that school.

I can understand that you wanted the house to yourself and your own children...teenagers! It's hard on you but it's probably better for the dcs than them sitting miserable without friends.

Was out again yesterday at another friend's so have had a day at home catching up with laundry etc. Decorator is getting on apace and the builder has finished off several small jobs, so we should be OK maintenance wise for some time now. I am feeling a little better again, it just all felt a bit overwhelming the other night, but I know that I will have days like that. Sometimes I feel as though I have just reached a point where everything wells up and all I want to do is get away from everyone and be quiet.

Hope you have had a reasonable weekend and that you have enjoyed some sunshine.

You will probably find that when you have managed to achieve things you feel good and able to cope. But it isn't at all surprising that from time to time everything gets on top of you. I think you're doing well to do anything!

How good to be able to think that those maintenance jobs are sorted for the time being. I'm doing laundry today as well as it all fell by the wayside this week. I really need a day at home but have another week of work then that will be it for a while. Sometimes I dream of a nice balanced life when I can keep on top of the things at home and earn a bit...but it always seems to be feast or famine!

I have been a little better over the weekend, felt a bit down yesterday and found it hard to get going in the morning, but the sunshine has definitely helped. I went to church this morning, I braved the 10 o' clock service on my own for the first time (other than going with friends one evening I have been going to 8 o'clock communion) and it was a lovely family service really cheerful and lots of music and I went to coffee in the hall with several friends who were there. DS1 drove me up to the churchyard on his driving practice, and we both were glad to spend a little time there on such a lovely morning. Glad to hear struwellpeter that you are going to get a chance to catch up with yourself, I think one reason I felt a little down was that it has been a very busy week and I haven't been able to access large parts of the house because of the decorator to keep on top of everything.

Hello, Evenstar, I think you must be one of those organised types! Really I'm expecting to be in chaos for ages when the decorator comes!

Has DS1 got another test booked yet? my eldest is 14 so we are a way off the whole driving thing. It is good that you can go to dh's grave together.

Hope that having done it once you will be able to go to the 10 o'clock again. Sounds as if there were lots of kind people there.

It's good to catch up with you Evenstar and hear how you've been getting on. You're riding that rollercoaster of grief with such dignity it seems to me.

I've been in hospital with pneumonia until today. A rather grim experience and I missed dp and dd dreadfully. I've never spent a night apart from dd before.

Hi everyone, sorry to hear you have been ill imaginaryfriend, I hope you are feeling better now, that must have been a difficult few days being away from home. Struwellpeter I really couldn't claim to be terribly organised, the house is in utter uproar and I have stupidly ordered a new mattress for DD's bed which arrived this morning and now needs to get up a staircase full of wet gloss paint. The builders have almost finished (they started around a year ago but we have been waiting since Febuary for them to come back and finish, it's a long story!). I have had such a bad morning DD isn't well, got up and got ready for college then had a hissy fit at her brother and went back to bed, DS2 hadn't done some work and didn't want to go to school and was very rude again. I am supposed to be doing some more paperwork, but here I am. DS1 has managed to get an engineering apprenticeship and starts in a fortnight which is great news, although he will be working a 40 hour week, alternate weeks on night shift plus one day in college, still it should mean he has less time to annoy me/his siblings!! He is also hoping to bring his driving test forward a couple of weeks so I won't have to take him out for practice . DH would have been very pleased for him I'm sure, we rang round the family last night to tell everyone.

It is three months now since DH died and I feel that things are worse now really, I miss him more each day. Not very well today and my DS's playing up again, I ended up just going to bed and shutting my door for a couple of hours this afternoon. I did feel a bit better after a sleep. There is a thread running in Am I Being Unreasonable about someone's friend's husband dating again 6 months after his wife died. There are so many people who are in my situation, so much anger there and I know how they feel although I didn't post. I like others feel a new relationship is pretty much out of the question, and I think it is awful that people who have not been in the place that we are in feel that they can judge others. How can anyone know how they would feel in that situation, and a new relationship is some people's way of coping. That phrase about walking a mile in another man's shoes came into my head. Sorry for the rant, but everyone seems to know what bereaved people should do, and I don't know what to do most of the time, I just have to carry on living a day at a time for myself and the DC's.

Evenstar - I've seen those threads tonight and I can't imagine what it's like for you to read them Just keep doing what you're doing. I hope you feel physically better tomorrow

Hello, Evenstar, thinking of you as you carry on. I missed the thread as have been off the computer for a few days...too much to do in rl and not much sign of getting to grips with things so have given up!

Hope you are feeling a bit better than on Friday. There are lots of bugs around and they will be all the more likely to make you feel rotten when you are already low. I am not a bit surprised that you are missing dh even more now. I think that's normal but not easy for being normal, iyswim. Everything you do you must feel so alone now. You are doing so well carrying on, but nothing can really ease the hurt.

What are you and the DCs up to this week? Have you ahd any feedback from DS2's new schoolabout how he is getting on?

Hi struwellpeter, we are doing OK, but have had a difficult weekend, I attended a party with DD on Saturday, the first social event other than a daytime christening party which I went to with my mother that I have been to. It was a difficult evening, I only really know the host and hostess and their children and they were rather busy. DD stayed with me and we did chat to a couple of people, but I find it very difficult to know at what point in conversations to raise the fact I am a widow, and once you do mention it then that becomes the focus of the conversation. Some dear friends who live some distance away came to spend the day with us on Sunday, and that wasn't easy as DH and I were very much a foursome with them, you feel that he is missing, but it was so lovely to spend time with them. Today I have been helping at a local playgroup, and they offered me a job which I am going to have to think about, before DH died I would have been so thrilled and jumped at it, but now I don't know if I can afford to take it , equally I don't think I can take anything full time because of DS2, I am so unsure of what the future holds, I am OK financially for now but very unsure of the best way forward for me and the DC's.

i think a day/hour at a time is the best plan and even that seems like too much some days, social things are difficult it reminds you what you have lost and surrounds you with what everyone else has. i find it hard when out with the kids and another kids shouts "dad" my three always look and then look at me.
how you doing with all the paperwork and stuff?
ignore the offensive threads we had the other day, it is one lone voice.

Hi OJ glad to see you around, we are doing OK I think. The paperwork is getting near completion I hope, I have paid off my mortgage, the biggest headache seems to be benefits, I am still waiting to hear if I am going to get any income support at all, so far I have child tax credits and widowed parents allowance, but all the extra help like free dental treatment, help with council tax etc only seems to kick in if you get income support. I am going to chase this week as it has been several weeks since I appealed their initial decision to refuse it. I have three lots of shares to transfer into my name, but with the current banking crisis they are almost worthless so I am not hurrying. How are you getting on with everything OJ? I often think of you and your DC's

glad you are getting the paperwork mountian sorted, we don't get income support we get childrens tax credits and we get free dental and prescriptions because of that.
i paid the mortgage off the other week, i hated doing it as i know how much pleasure steve would have got from being here to pay it off.
We are going away soon for some sunshine, i know we cant run away from everything but if i can get away from the mail the phone and the in-laws that makes things more bearable.

Sorry you are still having troubles with the in-laws OJ, thanks for the advice about Child Tax Credits, I was told that it didn't give you a free eye test when I went the other day so I assumed it was the same for the dental treatment. I have just looked on my council's website and found that it may mean some help with the council tax too and I was waiting to hear about that after being turned down earlier, so I will definitely go and look at everything again. Hope you enjoy your break in the sunshine, it sounds like a great idea. Where are you going?

phone the council tax people up and they will send you a form, you have to send the form and death certificate in and they sort it, ours was sorted quickly and they backdated the reduction
i have been sorting out premieum bonds, steve cashed all his in some time ago to save me the job, then last month i got a cheque to say he had won Steve would have laughed about him winning £100 when he wasn't here to spend it, he hardly ever won before. it turns out there was a £500 bond that steve hadn't cashed. i still have one pension left to sort out and steves bank account to close.
we are going to menorca just me and the kids.
did you think about joining WAY? i joined recently and have found it very helpful.

Thanks for that OJ, I think I may still be over the savings limit for the next week or two, having looked at the website, but I shall phone them and get a form. What happened was that I applied for income support was refused and refused for council tax as well, I didn't go back and look again when I got child tax credits, its so complicated isn't it? My DH won £15 in a prize draw at his choir the month after he died, did you know that you can leave the Premium Bonds in the draw for a year after someone dies and then they refund the money? DH only had £6 worth but I have done that with his, you never know do you. I am sure Steve would have been pleased that you had the prize.

Haven't joined WAY yet, but I think it may be something I would like to do in the near future. Do you find that it is so hard to have conversations with people who don't know what has happened? I feel with a group like WAY, you know everyone is in the same boat and you only have to talk about it if you want to, has that been your experience?

paperwork is never easy is it.
WAY are good they have their own message board and chatrooms which get used at night quite a bit, i went to their monthly meal last month and am going again on friday, it is easier cos everyone knows the score and understands stuff so you don't have to explain things or dress it up to make things more bearable like you have to with other people IYKWIM

I know exactly what you mean OJ, I find it very helpful to talk to my bereavement counsellor from the church, because although she is kind and sympathetic she is not personally involved. It feels wrong to expose the full extent of the pain you are in to people who love you because they feel so much for you. I have had an awful week, DS2 went on a Scout "Survival Camp" at the weekend which has resulted in a whole lot of trouble as DS2 sustained severe bruising across his back and his friend's shoulder has been burnt and cut, we complained and a boy is being thrown out of Scouts as a result. Flaming bamboo sticks were involved , and numerous other incidents. On Monday I had a huge row with DS1 who has put a sound system in his car, and won't accept that it is inconsiderate to neighbours to play it on the drive, he lost his temper and more or less told me he wished I was dead . Last night his friend came round with his even more massive sound system. The result was a neighbour from the next street came round to complain about the noise . I had already been out twice and spoken to them. I broke down on the doorstep speaking to the neighbour and explained my situation, and he apologised to me and clasped my hand and had tears in his own eyes because he had just lost his mum, he was so kind. I said I would speak to them again (in fairness it hadn't sounded that loud in my house, I think the wind was blowing that way), I went in to dry my eyes and went out to speak to them the neighbour was just leaving and one boy was telling him to f* off (not a friend of DS1's). I went mad quite literally, I apologised to the neighbour and he went, but I shrieked at the boys like a fish wife for about 5 minutes, I feel so ashamed of behaving like that in the street, DH would have been very angry with me. The one who had brought the offending one over went and then came back without him to apologise and was nearly in tears and gave me a hug, he is actually a lovely boy. Then to cap it all this morning I have had to fetch DS2 home from school as he is ill, I was thinking about applying for a job at a local school, but realised that if something like this happened I have nobody I can call, my family are all hundreds of miles away and my friends work. I just sat in the car and cried and thought that my life has changed beyond recognition and although it is not without pleasure it is basically a life I never wanted to live.

What an awful week for you.

I was left with five children 5 years ago, not too different in age from yours. Obviously nothing like as bad for me as we divorced but their father withdrew entirely from their lives. I am sure the older 3 at times must think that's worse than death that he can move 5 minutes away and never contact them in 5 years, might as well be dead I'm sure they think.

But a lot of what you describe is similar to life with teenagers who have suffered trauma of both kinds (and ordinary teenagers even with both parents) but much harder to cope with on your own.

I work full time but am often based at home which makes it easier as we have to serve the huge debt the divorce cost (I had to pay out a lot to the children's father as I earned more).

All I can say is that 5 years on with older chlidren of 20/nearly 22/24 is is completely different -they are normal lovely adults not three teenagers in the middle of hormonal and personal crises and the younger ones are much easier too. It will get better for you.

it is very hard on your own. Everything is couple orientated particularly if you've been in a couple for nearly 20 years as we had. All your friends are couples. And just dealing with all crises yourself with no help is hard. Obviously most people who divorce aren't in my situation with an ex who isn't involved financially or practically at all but there are certainly parallels in how I felt and you feel.

Thanks for reading that "essay" Xenia, I am a child of divorced parents so I can get where you are coming from on that. I think you are right that is the fact that you are dealing with everything alone, DH and I were married for nearly 21 years and although he had to travel for work quite a lot at times, that is not the same as not having him to turn to when needed. The work issue would not exist if he were still here because I have always had part time jobs, I think maybe it is too soon to think of working full time at the moment, it isn't essential that I find work immediately and I think DS2 needs me to be around as usual really, he was crying when I picked him up especially as I was so distressed I feel for your children my mum left us with our dad when I was 18 and my brother was 16, but although she left the area she went to immense trouble to come and see us a lot and we stayed with her in holidays.