DH died suddenly-need support and prayers please

[Evenstar]

My DH passed away suddenly on Thursday 26 June, there has to be a post mortem and I cannot bring him home until the coroner releases his body. I am struggling to realise that he is gone, as I have been unable to go and see him owing to distance from home and mortuary being closed at weekend. Mum and brother are here, am getting amazing support from them, my 3 children and so many friends. I am finding it hard at night and getting up very early not wanting to wake others but feel need to chat.

Hi Evenstar - glad you are making steady progress. Special days are hard, for sure - we are coming up to my mum's birthday again soon and my dad is planning to have a particularly nice photo of mum made into canvas pictures, one for each of us. It helps him to honour her in this way, and it is nice for us that he wants to do these things.

Every now and then something comes up and I miss my mum so much it breaks my heart all over again (14m later) but mostly I just rumble along.

(((((((hugs to you)))))) - stay strong, you are doing so well

Evenstar, so sorry for your loss. I haven't been onto MN for a very long time (i now live in spain). I hope you get comfort from your MN friends - I can't start to imagine what you are going through. Your children must miss him so much too which must make it so hard. Wishing you love and strength to get through this. Sorry, not good at knowing the right thing to say but feel I had to say something...

Evenstar, happy birthday. I hope the day is going well and that you are busy with friends. I know it must be really difficult for you as this is your first birthday without your dh. I still can't believe how many anniversaries you are having at the moment, it must make it harder. You have a very kind brother. Glad that you have found the bereavement people at your church, it sounds as if they are highly organised and are ready to take you under their wing.

Hope that your youngest is settling into the new school. Mine seems to be coping but I'm expecting fall out from it all at the weekend when he will have had his first long week and will be exhausted.

Thanks as always for your kind words and thinking of me. It has been quite a nice day today, despite the foul weather again. I have been out shopping for some DVD's I wanted with some birthday money. We have had nice meals and a birthday cake, and just spent time as a family. My dear aunt rang, she lost her grandson in Febuary and his mother has the same birthday as me, my cousin was visiting the place the ashes were scattered today, my aunt sent me a lovely card as well. I have had lots of phone calls,lots of lovely presents. My aunt said she felt that the presence of our lost loved ones was strong on these special days, but agreed with me that it is their absence that is ever present and more so on these days. There was a card that wasn't on the mantlepiece this morning, a gift that wasn't given and words of love that were not said and cannot now be spoken. The memories of other birthdays are painful,but cherished nonetheless, I saw something in a magazine that summed it up "You are still in love with someone who cannot love you back". I have not been sad all day though and have tried to take as much pleasure as I can from the love and kindness I am given by all around me. My mother and her partner are coming again tomorrow and will be with me for a few days and DD goes to college next week, I feel a bit more of routine again will help us all.

I'm glad you had a good day Evenstar even though your description of love after death is heartbreaking. As always I feel for you.

Thanks imaginaryfriend, I hope that all is well with you, you are so kind to post so often, I hope that your memories now are a comfort to you.

They always have been a comfort. I really like to describe my father to people and everything I have to say is always so heartfelt and feels so clear to me.

That is lovely, I hope that my DC's will be the same as they talk about him a lot, and have so many memories. I am glad that they are old enough for that, it would be hard if they were too small to remmeber DH properly.

It's quite extraordinary what you remember. I remember the way my father smelled and I remember the feel of his hand and his voice. Whenever I get a mental flash of him in my head it is always with a slightly shy cheeky smile he used to make.

Dd doesn't have any grandfathers as dp's father is also dead although he only died 4 years ago so dd did meet him briefly when a baby / toddler. She loves seeing pictures of my dad.

I read yesterday that there is a quotation from James Joyce which says that absence is the strongest form of presence. I can't find the reference or the actual quotation and have been having difficulty getting my mind round it. However, I really hope it may even be a comfort to you to feel that your dh is still close to you.

So glad you have so much support. You do need and deserve it.

Had a difficult day today DS1 and DS2 playing up, but my mum and her partner are hwere with me now for a few days and it is great to have some support. A whole pile of post addressed to DH arrived this morning which was hard and I put a message on Friends Reunited to tell people when they go to his page, I have got to do the same with some other networking sites. I think the post thing will take a while to get better although I have used the service that cancels people off mailing lists if they have died and cancelled all subscriptions etc.

The post will take ages to get sorted. You never know where these places get your address from,especially if you've been in your house a long time.

Well done on the Friends Reunited thing. It must be so painful for you to have to tell other people something you know will make them sad too.

Will be thinking of you again tomorrow as you face the next day.

Thank you struwellpeter, after all tomorrow is another day as the saying goes. I am wondering if DS2 is playing up because he is overtired he was very rude and disobedient in front of his friend's mum tonight, it has been a big change going up to secondary, but because of the situation at home I am not sure which is the problem, it may not be an either/or. Hope your DS is settling OK.

Well, he probably is very tired. It takes a lot of energy to do anything new and I don't suppose he's keen on going to bed and actually falling asleep when there's so much to think about. Poor love must be missing his dad so much. He probably uses up all of his politeness and obedience during the day at school, so when he gets home he's ready for meltdown!

Do you think he is beginning to find his feet at school, though? You could always speak to the school if you just want some feedback about how he's coping.

My little ds3, who is 7, does to my surprise seem to be coping at school though he isn't a very nice person to know until he's had a blood sugar fix in the afternoon. It's just lovely that he is now in the same school as ds2 and dd as before he always did nursery/school on his own and that was very divisive within our family.

Thanks struwellpeter, we have had a better couple of days and an early snack seems to be helpful as you say. He still isn't his usual self though. DS1 is being quite difficult too so it is hard. We went to DH's grave today, DS2 wanted to take Daddy a photo of his first day at school and we took some lovely flowers, the sun was shining and it was so lovely there. We are just taking each day as it comes really. The bereavement counsellor came to see me on Thursday and I found that very helpful, I felt I could talk about all my emotions with her, whereas it might upset someone else, she said that was very common.

Glad your ds2 seems to be managing. He has a lot to cope with but school will probably be good for him as it is so normal(even if new) and he is not used to having his dad around there.

How long is it before your ds1 starts his next stage? Can't remember I'm afraid what he was going to do . Will he be living away or still at home? Do you think he's feeling nervous about moving on? Perhaps things will be easier when he actually starts.

Glad the bereavement counsellor was helpful and so pleased you have someone who is a little removed and who you can pour your heart out to. It must be such a burden trying to keep going in case you upset other people. I thought of you when I was in Church today and wondered if you had gone again to your Church.

Hi struwellpeter, DS1 is currently working at a supermarket to fund his car, driving lessons etc and is going to look seriously for something better if he passes his driving test at the second attempt next month(public transport is difficult round here as lots of local towns mean catching a train and then changing and buses are not good). I am sure things will be better for him then. I went to early communion at 8 am with my mum as she was down for the weekend with her partner, we have been working hard in the garden for most of the weekend. I also have a decorator starting tomorrow, two weeks earlier than planned so things have been very hectic. Hope your DS is getting on well at school.

You really do get maximum brownie points from me for your gardening...what a relief to be able to get outside at last. Am really enjoying some sun today,too.

My youngest went off happily this morning too. Long may it continue, though I am expecting some upsets along the way as he finds all this reading and writing lark very hard.

I have a decorator planned to come in November and am dreading the total upheaval though looking forward to the finished result!

Are you making progress with all the paperwork things?

I have been today and paid off my mortgage,so that is the biggest thing out of the way now. It has been difficult sorting out all the paperwork and I am not there yet but to have enough done for this seems like a huge achievement in relatively short space of time. It was very painful however, as I couldn't help thinking how much DH and I would have enjoyed this moment together, and that I have everything and he has nothing for all the years of hard work and saving. I drank a glass of wine tonight and toasted him and said thank you, I know he would have been grateful that the children and I have a secure home. I am especially relieved in view of the turmoil in the financial markets to know that the majority of my capital is no longer held on deposit but in my property. The decorator has been busy and is making good progress, but it is another sadness that having taken on this house as a huge renovation project my poor DH will never see the finished result. It has been a good news day really though, my elusive builder who has some jobs to finish turned up this morning with some materials and promised to come tomorrow. I also went and had tea with my lovely friends who made me so welcome. I am grateful for everything I have received today.

Evenstar, your dh would have been proud to know you were able to do that. And he doesn't have nothing as he has provided you with a home and security which I'm sure would make him so happy to know.

Today has been another mixed day, I had coffee with a lovely friend and was busy all day, but I had to go to an event at DS2's school tonight, DD was there until the end of last term and I have worked there so everyone knows me and my situation. I spoke to the headteacher and thanked her for the beautiful letter of condolence she sent, and about a small issue with DS2. She sent me over to speak to a lady who is in charge of pastoral care about the situation, she was lovely but new and although she knew about DH she didn't really have the full picture and I had to talk about it. She will be looking out for DS2, but I felt brimming over with emotion afterwards and headed home only to be accosted by a parent who knew me from juniors (not well) and asked how I was, I managed a few words but got into my car and sat there feeling as though I was going to choke. I got home, and DS1 invited two friends round to watch a movie so I feel tense and not sleepy, although I am very tired with all the work going on in the house and having to keep all the pets off the wet paint. Everyone has gone now but I don't feel like going to bed, they were fine but I just felt like being on my own with the children. DS1 and I went up to the grave today to have a chat with DH and tell him the news about the house, we feel we can be nearer him there somehow

Hope the chat helped a little,Evenstar.I have not been in your situation and can hardly begin to imagine how difficult it must be. xxxx

evanstar
just read your posts i can honestly say i know how you feel and what your going through
i to lost my husband of 18 years
it was a good few years back and he,ll alway be in our heart your doing so well be strong
debbie

Thank you for your kind words ladies, I should go to bed really, but I know I will lie awake with all this in my head. I know that one day things will be better again, but it doesn't help at the moment.

Hi Evenstar. Does your ds have a close friend whose dad would take him under his wing? My ds1's best friend's dad died when they were in yr6. My dh has made a really big effort to take him out to rugby matches etc. Sometimes when he comes to stay dh will walk down to the shops just with him to choose something for our meal or something like that. Dh was friend with the boy's dad, so that helps. We talk about him a lot and say 'your dad would do this' or 'think that' etc. I know from what his mum says that he appreciates it enormously