DH died suddenly-need support and prayers please

[Evenstar]

My DH passed away suddenly on Thursday 26 June, there has to be a post mortem and I cannot bring him home until the coroner releases his body. I am struggling to realise that he is gone, as I have been unable to go and see him owing to distance from home and mortuary being closed at weekend. Mum and brother are here, am getting amazing support from them, my 3 children and so many friends. I am finding it hard at night and getting up very early not wanting to wake others but feel need to chat.

He sees the youngest for 2 hours a week at exactly the same time and won't speak or email me although he does turn up to collect them and runs back to the car and they go out alone to him so he doesn't even have to see me.

My son's friend at school lost his father 1 - 2 years ago, heart attack, very fit man. I think he was running abroad at the time. And his mother has so far chosen not to return to work.

Sorry you are having such a rough time evenstar. It must be so hard for you and your family to have to cope with this.

Not sure what I can say to help but{{{{}}}}}
Thinking of you and yours xxx

No one else in either of my son's class is single either which is amazing in 2008 really.

That must be very hard for your boy Xenia, DS2 has someone in his class who lost a parent and I know of several whose parents are not together. It is very unusual nowadays. Thanks for the hug smartiejake, I feel I could do with all I can get, DS2 and I have had a hug though

I know you're many posts in, but I just saw this thread and I'm just so, so sorry for your loss. How truely awful. Especially when it is so sudden. You have my thoughts, hugs and good wishes for you and your children.

What a week for you Evenstar, but so glad the girls have rallied round on MN. Xenia, this must be so hard for you and your DCs. I don't know a lot about these things but I do believe that children deal with death better than the sort of living bereavement described by Xenia. I don't mean to compare the pain in each case.

Evenstar, I am sure you must feel totally alone. It must be very hard, sad- making, boring and tiring when you are used to having your dh. No wonder you feel that it dominates conversations, your thoughts and everything. Your disagreements with DS1 must just make it feel worse.

Are you keeing any sort of a diary? someone suggested this to my bereaved friend with three under 6s and she says that although feels she has made no progress she can tell from her diary that things are not the same now as when her dh first died.

Any plans for this weekend?

Hi struwellpeter, I am just finding things very hard at the moment, silly little things keep setting me off. Yesterday I was crying because we always called small oranges goggies,that was what DS1 called them when he was tiny. DH used to say "Bung us a goggie" when we had a big bowl on the coffee table, and I thought how I would never hear him say that again. My cousin rang last night and we had a long chat and my mum got back from holiday so has been on the phone. DS2 was crying for his daddy last night I have agreed for him to try seeing the school counsellor next week to see if it helps, not just because of that, several problems have come up. I am making some plans for half term to take DS2 to see his grandparents, and yes I do keep a diary, not every day but sometimes it helps to "download" everything if you know what I mean. I have put the heating on for a while on low tonight, although I had hoped to manage for a few more weeks and that has made us all feel a bit better. I have also filled out the forms and sent them off to join WAY. Hope all is well with you and you are not so busy now.

Have had a very busy week so have not been around much, and when I was felt I couldn't "talk" if you know what I mean. I am feeling a little overwhelmed with the rest of the paperwork and particularly with the company that hold DH's domain names as I cannot seem to get anyone to help me . I have had bills for things I do not want to keep, letters and e-mails addressed to DH, now brother in law has rung tonight to tell me our family based e-mail name (hosted by this company) has locked down and he needs to get some urgent work related e-mails as he is jobhunting. I am so that I cannot think rationally, my e-mail and DH's account are also locked down, and I have just had enough of coping endlessly with things and filling out forms. I went up to visit DH's grave today, to do his flowers and sit with him a while, I wish I had appreciated that he looked after all these things more when he was here

Poor you. I am here again as the computer has had a week trying to defragment itself (whatever that means) and I haven't been able to use it. Scary how we all become so dependent on the wretched things. I know just what you mean. I feel very powerless when I'm not in control of the silly thing and I do rely on dh for all that. However this time he had to get a friend in to sort it.

Sounds as if DS2's school are very well set up and just as it may help you a bit to have a rant to the strangers on MN let's hope the counsellor will be a bit of a sounding board for DS2. It's still really early days.

Things here pretty middling really. DS3 had his ed psych assessment last week and is very behind his peers. Feel so sorry for him, no wonder he loses his cool so often. However, it doesn't make him any easier...! DS1 has had another concussion episode and will probably have to give up rugby. DS2 was inconsolable about a silly work crisis of his own making. DD still unable to appreciate quite what a tip she lives in! However, nothing too drastic really, we'll just have to carry on.

Hope you have a better week this week.

Nice to see you again struwellpeter, although it sounds as though you have had a trying week too. I am feeling a little better today, I have been to church and I always feel that it gives me some inner peace. Have spent the evening clearing the kitchen ready for the tiler to start in the morning, living room is a mess again but we are at least getting things in order. DS2 is seeing the counsellor tomorrow morning for the first time so I am hoping for the best.

Hope that the tiler has now finished and that you have managed to return your kitchen to order. Glad that things were a bit better on Sunday. I didn't go to church this week as I didn't want to leave my concussed son in charge of the others as dh was working. Do enjoy that opportunity to sit, think and be calm, though.

Hope your DS2 liked the counsellor though I don't suppose you'll get to hear much about it. At least if he can begin to establish a relationship with him/her he may feel he can unload over the next few sessions.

My DS1 is being referred to a neurologist so that's good. We really need to work out whether he has had a series of unfortunate events or has some predisposition to head injury. I wonder how long we'll have to wait.

Ds2 now over this work crisis though the next is probably just around the corner! DD had had a good week but her room is still a tip. DS3 is another story. Have now had the report- severe dyslexia and some dyspraxia. I've been googling like mad to find out things and of course we don't know if this new school will be able to cope with what the ed psych regards as extensive difficulties. None of this is a surprise so I now feel very guilty that we didn't agitate for action at the last school. He so wanted to be with his brother and sister and now I wish we had moved him straight into better provision for his needs. However, no use crying over spilt milk.

Tiler has finished, but decorator coming to paint the kitchen/utility on Monday so still in disorder. Sorry to hear about your DS's, I left getting help for DS2's handwriting problems, as the others had problems too which resolved themselves and I thought he would be OK as well . Hope your DS2's head is getting better. My DS1 has been an utter pain this week, see my thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/627648-does-anyone-else-have-problems-getting-teenagers-up-for-work On a positive note I have been out and about and had coffees with friends and joined a church craft group (I made a floating candle , it sank like a stone ) and a bible study group. I have also inquired about WAY for young widows but not heard from them yet. Hope you have a better week this week.

Sorry you have had a trying time with your son but it sounds as if things are better at this end of the week. glad you have felt able to join the new groups and really hope you will find new and understanding friends in real life to sustain you when the MNers disappear into the ether or just go offline owing to very annoying computers.

DS1's head is much better but he is off rugby for the time being. Had to do Cross Country instead which went down like a lead balloon, so he is angling to spend the time in the gym which wouldn't normally be allowed until he's 16, over a year away.

My little fellow will have to change schools to go to a specialist facility to cope with his needs. We have one in mind but of course as it is half term we can't go to see it for two weeks, then we just have to hope they will take him as a suitable candidate as he will have to be extensively assessed again. Unfortunately it has great financial implications for us and I will have to work seriously rather than filling in time doing bits and bobs. However, the place has an excellent reputation and from all I know of it, would suit him down to the ground.

Hi struwellpeter, DS1 has managed to get up on time two mornings running now! Let's hope he carries on this week, I am going away for half term to visit my parents and I was getting very worried as it is only a week away that DS1 wouldn't cope. I am waiting up to pick up DD who has gone to a concert, typical the one night I feel I could go earlier to bed and sleep and I can't. Sorry to hear about all your troubles, I can imagine cross country not appealing as much as rugby. Hope your little one finds the place he needs, a friend of mine has a daughter with complex special needs and she has had to board at a specialist school to get the help she needs, it is not easy for anyone I know

I am hoping the groups will be a good thing, I feel for the children's sake particularly the older two that I must rebuild some sort of life so they don't need to worry about me when they leave home. Hope you have a better week.

By the way, my friends took legal action and forced the local authority to fund their daughter's place at the boarding school as they couldn't meet her needs in the state schools locally.

Hello, Evenstar, hoping you have a good break with your parents this week. I'm sure that having cracked getting to work on time last week DS1 will manage this week. With luck by now he won't have so much of a new boy feeling over it all and will be beginning to become involved in the work so he feels less student-like.

You say and do all the right things to help yourself and the children through this time. I don't know much about it, but I dare say that if you have the energy it is good to have things to do and to people to see, even if they don't change the hurt you are feeling.

I did hope that we would be able to get some funding for DS3 but those in the know locally say that is highly unlikely, and that even if we were to put him back into the state sector, his needs wouldn't have a hope of being met in the short or even medium term. I am horrified that children have to be 3.5 years behind before they can even be considered as under-achieving. However, no doubt I will have to consider the options.

I go away on Friday morning, and I will be back for Halloween as I don't want trouble with trick or treaters. Is it half term already with you? I am sorry to hear about the funding situation with your council, it is not easy, are you able to increase your hours at work? I know you said you would have to. Is DS2's head better? The vicar called to see me today which was really nice. The decorator is getting on well and I have put the dogs in kennels for a few days to avoid "mohair" look paintwork so it has been quiet this evening without them.

Yes, it's half term for my children and dh this week and the first time for a long time they've had the same dates.

I don't have a real job so can't increase my hours, though I usually seem to be busy filling in for sick leave as a matron at a school and doing a very little bit of babysitting while a friend teaches a few lessons. I don't want to go back to my former career as I have been out of that far too long and I just can't imagine it fitting with the family. However, something will turn up, I'm sure. Have thought of registering as a childminder as have years of experience as a nursery assistant (and mother) but would really rather go out to work. Trouble is, it's not the best time to look for work...!

Good idea putting the dogs in kennels. I can tell you really are organised! I wouldn't have thought of that until much too late!

Actually we have been in chaos, ended up having fish and chips for supper last night as I couldn't get into the freezer. It is working out well though as decorator is finishing kitchen tomorrow and has another job to go to on Friday so I can get everything back in the kitchen and collect the dogs before I go on Friday morning. Hope you are having a good half term, have you been out anywhere?

Hello evenstar. I've been reading your posts and thinking about you but haven't written as I've been also dealing with a sudden bereavement. Nobody as close to me as a dh / dp but someone very dear who died suddenly and unexpectedly aged only 50. It brought such a lot of memories home about my father's death. The way you think you should be able to speak to them and tell them about what's happening.

Just wanted to let you know I'm still thinking about you.

Thank you imaginary friend, sorry to hear that you have been bereaved . I am going away in the morning to visit my parents for half term, but I will be thinking of you. I have a photo of DH that I talk to and I go up to his grave most weeks for a chat, could you do something like that if it helps. Don't know if you do hugs, but will send one in case

Thanks Evenstar. My loss is minor compared to yours, that's why I didn't want to mention it. I don't have a photo but I keep doing weird things like hearing my friend's voice and turning my head to find she's not there.

No one's bereavement is minor imaginary friend, I hope that people still feel they can turn to me in need. We are all here to support each other on MN aren't we. I know what you mean about the voice, but it is sort of in my head and I know DH is not there. Had you been friends for a long time?

7 years. She was a work colleague initially but she was sort of like a mother to me, I could always turn to her. I liked her humour, her compassion, kindness and generosity. She was bouncy, full of life and had a good life. It seems tragic she was struck down so young and so suddenly. She had a fatal brain haemorrhage around 10 days ago. I've found it very upsetting and hard to come to terms with. Going to work is really awful.

As you know DH died suddenly and I think the shock of a sudden bereavement makes things very hard at first, you cannot really take it in as you are so shocked. Your friend sounds like a very special lady, are other people at work affected and are you able to talk about her there? I find sometimes that I don't want to be with people who I can't talk to, it is hard sometimes to hold all the feelings in isn't it?