DH died suddenly-need support and prayers please

[Evenstar]

My DH passed away suddenly on Thursday 26 June, there has to be a post mortem and I cannot bring him home until the coroner releases his body. I am struggling to realise that he is gone, as I have been unable to go and see him owing to distance from home and mortuary being closed at weekend. Mum and brother are here, am getting amazing support from them, my 3 children and so many friends. I am finding it hard at night and getting up very early not wanting to wake others but feel need to chat.

Yes, I've been talking about her a lot. Not so much at work but to my own friends (who didn't know her) and to dp (who met her and adored her too). I even poured it all out to a mum I barely know while waiting to pick up dd from school yesterday.

I'm in total agreement with you about sudden death, especially when it's 'before someone's time'. I'm kind of on the lookout for my mum's death as she's in her mid-70s so although it will break my heart it won't have the same kind of shock as losing someone when you really hadn't entertained the thought if that makes sense? There are degrees of shock and sadness. I'd be sadder to lose my mum than my friend but I'd be less shocked.

I dread losing my parents, but like you I feel that it will be expected, I think when a child or a person who is relatively young dies it isn't the natural order of things. My MIL has lost DH and his sister in the last four years, SIL had cancer and was only 56 when she died, BIL has had two massive heart attacks and a heart bypass at only 56 and he is her last living child. She was widowed 18 years ago and her DH was only 65, I feel at 83 she should not have had to go through all this, it seems wrong that all these others have gone before. I am glad that you have so many people who knew your dear friend and that you can talk, I have found that so helpful in these last few months.

That's an awful story of bereavement.

I do talk about my friend and I think about her. I feel really sad about it and that it's unfair for such a good an promising person to have to die.

Dp and I have been dealing with a few very sad stories around us lately: dp had a student in his 20s who died very suddenly, we have a friend (only 35) dying of breast cancer and a further friend fighting cancer of the brain (she's my age). It's like we've suddenly hit that zone that people talk about in which death is no longer something that happens to other people.

I know of two people in our circle who lost their wives last year, both in their early 40's and I know another widow who was a mum at DS's junior school whose partner in his 30's died of cancer last Christmas. Also I think we have reached the point of elderly relatives dying DH's aunt and my uncle both died last winter. Sadly my cousin lost her DS aged 20 to meningitis in February. It has not been an easy year. It sounds as though things are not easy for you at the moment

Has the funeral been held yet? I am sure that will be a difficult day for you.

Have to go out now, but I will be thinking of you and may be around tonight if you want a chat. You have been so kind to me. Take care xx

Yes, I have to go too, just time for bath and hairwash before collecting dd.

The funeral is a week tomorrow. Halloween. I thought that would amuse my friend.

Yes, things have felt sad lately. Sad and heavy.

I will keep your and your friend in my thoughts and prayers in the next week. I may be able to check in briefly at some point. Take care xx

You take care too Evenstar. Have a good week away. I'll look out for your posts in the week.

Sorry to hear about your friend, IF and can imagine how much you must be feeling her loss as she was an integral part of your working day and loved.

I have a funeral to go to on 31st as well. My great Uncle was 101 and the last of his generation. We are trying not to be too sad as it was for the best for him at last to be able to rest and we hope it will be a celebration of his life. It is very different when someone dies young.

Thanks Struwellpeter. It is hard.

Wow, 101 is an amazing age!

31st seems a slightly morbid day for a funeral, being Halloween. I hope there aren't too many comedy witches lurking around.

Fortunately no one in the family quite falls into that category unless my aunt turns up...

LOL Struwellpeter - if you go in the guise of your namesake you might be a bit scary.

No, I was thinking more of little witches and ghosts wandering the streets trick-or-treating. Somehow I think my friend would have found that amusing though if she were there to see it.

Hi imaginaryfriend and struwellpeter am having a good half term break, I should be back on Halloween so I will check in when I get home. My thoughts are with both of you, had to laugh about the comedy witch, I am sure your aunt isn't that bad struwellpeter. I hope the funerals go well on Friday, and that the services will be a fitting send off for your dear friend imaginaryfriend and your uncle struwellpeter, what an amazing age. Take care xx

I'm glad you're having a good break Evenstar.

I'll be glad when Friday's over. I'm at that needing a formal ceremony to weep and try to say goodbye stage.

Feeling rotten now as I won't be able to make it to great uncle's funeral though will be well represented. Had agreed weeks ago to childmind two children from one family and one from another...different half terms here. Would have been up to the family home like a flash for this funeral, but felt that when the two families got back from their holidays only yesterday it was too late to drop the childcare arrangement. I had of course been trying to get them for a week, with no luck. Anyway, the family understands and of course I didn't say anything to my friends as then they would just feel awkward, to no real point. But I am sorry as I feel I am letting him down and I was fond of him and knew him a lot better than his own grandchildren did.

Sorry to hear that struwellpeter, I am sure your uncle would have known that you were there in your thoughts, you have been in mine. Hope that the service for your dear friend has been a comfort to you imaginaryfriend, I have been thinking of you today. I have just got home after taking 5 hours to do a journey that normally should take just over 3 hours. We only stopped once at motorway services and it took us 25 minutes to get back on the motorway as the traffic was so bad. I am sure I will feel more relaxed again later when I have had a cup of tea and chilled out for a while! Had a good time at my mum's, we did a quiz evening last night and they were within 3 points of the winners with their best ever score (my speciality is Trivial Pursuit/general knowledge) the team asked if I could come again, but nearly 200 miles is a long way to go for an evening out. Just wanted to log in to let you know I was thinking of you both, maybe be around later when I have sorted myself out.

Thanks Evenstar, glad the week went well and hope those at home managed with early rising etc. IF, hope that you felt that the funeral was a fitting send-off to your friend.

What a pain that the journey home took so long, Eve. I'm a real harridan when it comes to stopping and can't bear to stop when I'm on the 3 hour trip to my mum's. Trouble is, sometimes it is unavoidable with the children. I think I've sussed out all the loo stops between here (home counties)and the Midlands over the years.

Sounds as if you are a bit of a whizz at quizzes. Is there anything like that locally?

Hi Evenstar and Struwellpeter, thanks for thinking of me.

The funeral was really sweet. Very moving and personal but so terribly terribly sad. I think it was one of the saddest funerals I've been to. Not that I've been to a lot and not that all of them aren't sad. But there was such an element of 'tragedy' to this one, the sense of someone too young and too full of promise having passed away way too suddenly. I don't know how better to describe it really. It was a church funeral with a burial and it was all handled so sensitively. There were moments when I thought I would choke on my tears I cried so much. There was an awful lot of love for my friend. I did find that the words of the vicar were very moving and reassuring however and I keep trying to remember some of those.

Well done on your general knowledge success evenstar! I'm really glad you had a good week, you so deserve it.

I am glad to hear that the service was a fitting tribute to your friend, imaginaryfriend. I have been catching up at home today, a pile of washing, some food shopping and going through the post. Tomorrow I am going to a bereavement service at our church, as it is All Souls Day and DH's name will be read out and we have the opportunity to light candles for him. I am not sure yet if any of the children will come, but I have friends to sit with if not. I am hoping to go up to the churchyard with some flowers for DH, I was very touched that the church where he is buried invited us to their service as well, but I had to decline as I had already accepted at the church where DH's funeral was held. I don't usually go to that one every Sunday, it is the "mother" church to the one at end of my road. I am hoping that it will be a comfort to remember DH with other bereaved families, but I am told that tears are expected, so I know that if it is too much I don't need to be embarassed. It was very hard driving home alone on Friday, as I passed by the place we went on holiday as a family last October for half term, there were lots of memories.

Hope the service was not too painful and that you felt that you were not alone in grief with all the other families there. Our church is always packed for the All Souls service, which is lovely to see, even though many of the people wouldn't normally come.

I am sure that everything you do is full of memories. I don't know how long it takes, if it ever happens, before your memories aren't so painful to recall. But I do believe that you will get to that point, though it may be a long way off at the moment.

How did the DCs manage while you were away? How is the job going for DS1?

When I lost my father the painful memories were really intense for a long time, then I found I didn't think about him quite so much each day and was 'getting on' with life better. But as soon as I'd think about him I'd get a jolt and still feel shocked and disbelieving that he'd gone. Now, many many years later, I feel sad when I think how much time has passed without him in it, how I'd have loved him to know dd and see how I've turned out as an adult. I remember his voice, his smell, his laugh really vividly and I talk about him to dd who I feel loves him through association.

At my friend's funeral we arrived in her village very early and went to a little pub in the village square. As we were talking (work colleagues and I) I noticed a man sitting alone at another table in a black suit and tie. He would have been about her age. Well, to cut a long story short it turned out he'd been a childhood friend who'd known her through university, first moving to London, meeting her partner etc. And he had some photos of her from her student days. It was just amazing to have these gaps in her life filled in but also completely bizarre to try to comprehend that at the moment the photos were taken she would never have forseen this moment with colleagues in a tiny village pub mourning her.

Does that make sense? I think one of the worst things for me (and everyone I'm sure) about death is that it can be so unpredictable and so devastating. One moment someone simply isn't there any more. You want to reach out to them and comfort them, or reach into a photo and try to change the future somehow.

Hi ladies, the All Souls Service stirred up a lot of emotions, I went to the churchyard to visit DH's grave in the morning. This voice inside kept saying "He shouldn't be here". The service was lovely, but very emotional and I was already upset because of things going on at home. I think I was very tired too after the week away and not sleeping too well.

DS1 was very difficult over the weekend, usual selfish and inconsiderate behaviour but my brother had a chat with him and things have been better since. His job seems to be going well, but the company seem worryingly short of work coming in which is a concern, DS1's friend was made redundant from an apprenticeship in June.

I saw my bereavement counsellor yesterday and she felt that I seemed stronger, but I did say that it was a bad day on Sunday when I sat with her in church (lots of tears).

Imaginaryfriend I know what you mean about the photographs, one of DH's friends sent me a lot of him at uni and I found one of him as a little boy on his first day at school. You do wish that you could alter what has happened, it is very poignant to see them smiling and not knowing what life held for them. I hope you are doing OK.

Yes Evenstar, very poignant. I know just what you mean about the photo of your dh as a boy.

I hope you're ok?

I'm fine. The loss of my friend doesn't impact on my immediate everyday life in the way losing a partner or close family member does. I can't compare my grief to yours. Your grief is one I've thought about in relation to dp but even thinking about it is too much. You're living it Evenstar and it must be so hard.

I am glad though that none of us know the future or when we will die, you would live life differently if you knew how long you had. I have found out since DH died that Type 1 diabetes shortens your life span on average by 20 years, that was a figure that I had never seen or heard in all the years that DH suffered from diabetes, and he was a member of Diabetes UK and we read the monthly magazine. It has helped me to know this because with his family history of early heart disease, I now feel that he could have gone sooner, but how would he and I have felt with such a stark figure and he actually would have lived with the constant fear of it happening. As it was he lived life to the full and didn't make decisions expecting what happened to be so early in his life. I know what you mean imaginaryfriend about the grief and not being able to imagine living with it, I think even when you are going through it you cannot imagine living with it some days. You have no choice, I feel you could turn inwards and away from the world and from life, but that would be a denial of your own life and theirs too because they would want you to go on.