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Original poster

DH died suddenly-need support and prayers please

653 replies

Evenstar · 29/06/2008 06:16

My DH passed away suddenly on Thursday 26 June, there has to be a post mortem and I cannot bring him home until the coroner releases his body. I am struggling to realise that he is gone, as I have been unable to go and see him owing to distance from home and mortuary being closed at weekend. Mum and brother are here, am getting amazing support from them, my 3 children and so many friends. I am finding it hard at night and getting up very early not wanting to wake others but feel need to chat.

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lynnec · 03/08/2008 00:19

Evanstar, forgot to mention, i found it a bit easier to move dp things out of sight, clothes etc, eventually i handed most of his things in to our local charity shop, which made things easier knowing they would be going to a good cause.

lynnec · 03/08/2008 00:20

sushistar that was very nice x

Original poster
Evenstar · 03/08/2008 00:26

DC's are nearly 18, 16 and 11. Thank you sushistar for those lovely words. Lynnec it has helped to put some things away and I am sure in time I will take some things to the charity shop, it is just too hard at the moment. I have picked up some bags from our local British Heart Foundation shop (DH died of a heart attack) and in time I am sure it will be comforting to know that I have helped them and perhaps saved someone else and their DC's from the pain that we are suffering.

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kama · 03/08/2008 00:28

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Evenstar · 03/08/2008 00:38

Off to bed now, thanks as ever for all your kind words and keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.

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imaginaryfriend · 03/08/2008 14:02

I'll be away for a week Evenstar. I'll be thinking of you and will check up on you when I get back.

Original poster
Evenstar · 03/08/2008 18:28

Thank you imaginary friend hope that you have an enjoyable break

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imaginaryfriend · 03/08/2008 21:32

Your story has touched me Evenstar. I really hope the next week isn't too hard for you.

struwellpeter · 04/08/2008 16:32

Hoping you are having a better day without the pressure of the younger dcs around.

struwellpeter · 05/08/2008 18:47

Thinking of you today as well.

lynnec · 05/08/2008 20:15

Just popped in to see how you are getting on evanstar...i've been thinking about you the last couple of days xxx

Original poster
Evenstar · 05/08/2008 23:00

Have had a better day today, had a lie in and did a bit less paperwork, there is so much still to do. My friend took me out for a meal this evening, and we had a long chat about everything, another friend has invited me for lunch on Thursday. My younger children have decided they want to come back on Friday after all, but it might be for the best, Friday would have been our 21st wedding anniversary and it will be a hard day I know, so perhaps better to have more people around. I am planning to go and take DH some flowers and a card.

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Original poster
Evenstar · 05/08/2008 23:01

Thank you everyone for thinking of me.

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struwellpeter · 07/08/2008 22:09

Just checking up, Evenstar. Hope you've been able to have a bit of space this week. Will be thinking of you tomorrow, particularly as this is an anniversary for me too. You're doing so well even though you probably don't think you are!

Original poster
Evenstar · 07/08/2008 22:29

Hi struwellpeter, thanks for that, have had quite a good day today a friend invited me round and made me a lovely lunch. She said I was looking a lot better, though as the last time she saw me was the day of DH's funeral that probably wasn't saying much. I have been and bought some flowers for DH for tomorrow, and I have got a red silk rose with a card for our anniversary. It would have been 21 years tomorrow, it is very hard, I have a photo in our living room of last year when it was our 20th and we had a lovely meal out with our children to celebrate, I looked at it tonight and thought of the poem by A E Housman

Into my heart an air that kills
From yon far country blows:
What are those blue remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are those?

That is the land of lost content,
I see it shining plain,
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.

The memories are all around me but sometimes it is not a comfort. I know that I am doing well, I just have to live hour to hour and day to day at the moment, and a close friend said I should not expect "good" days yet maybe just not quite so bad days and I think it is better to have reasonable expectations

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Original poster
Evenstar · 08/08/2008 19:50

Today has been very difficult, I just stood by DH's grave this morning after I had arranged the flowers crying and thinking it was so unfair and he shouldn't be there and thinking about how we celebrated our anniversary last year. Spoke to MIL when I got home and she was crying too. I went back later with DS1 and a few more flowers to fill the vase. A new grave had been opened next to DH, and when we went back the second time the coffin was in it . DS1 said he was glad he had been with me as well, first time he has been since the funeral and he said it was so lovely and peaceful. There was a lady up there tending another grave and she told me the deer jump in and eat the flowers, which I thought was lovely because DH loved animals and he wouldn't have minded. I had more complications with some paperwork this afternoon and ended up crying in the bank , but it is just so hard.My mum and her partner are bringing my younger children back tonight so at least I will have some company over the weekend.

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struwellpeter · 11/08/2008 17:52

Evenstar, I'm here again and have been thinking of you over the weekend but not able to get to the computer.

It sounds to me as if you are being very realistic and that your friends are giving good support. However, there isn't really any 'making it better' in the short term and this process of grief that you have to live through is all about you all learning in your own ways how to live with the sad fact of your dh's death. It will be hard, but don't stop telling the mners about it because you don't want to moan. This is probably a good place to say those things that you might otherwise only think.

You will have such a lot of memories and they probably do only make you feel worse at the moment. That's understandable. I expect they will be more of a comfort in the future. Twenty one years is a long time even though it wasn't long enough.

I'm sorry about the horrid paperwork in the bank...no doubt there's a whole host of things that need to be dealt with at this time when you probably want to hide from it all. Don't worry about crying in the bank or anywhere. It really doesn't matter even if you feel silly about it.

will check in later!

MadameCheese · 11/08/2008 18:00

I know you don't know me but I just wanted to say how sorry I am and that I've been praying for you xx

struwellpeter · 11/08/2008 23:18

Back again. Hope you are sleeping by now.

How are your younger children coping? Have you got any thing else to look forward to before they go back to school by way of trips or time away? How are they getting on with each other?

imaginaryfriend · 12/08/2008 00:08

Evenstar, I'm back from my vacation and wanted to catch up with you. I'm so sorry you had a bad day on Friday. I hope this week is better for you. xxx

thumbwitch · 12/08/2008 00:13

Evenstar, sorry that you had a bad time with your paperwork and that you have had the sadness of your 21st anniversary so soon after losing your DH - my dad had that last year, 2 weeks after losing my mum it was their 41st anniversary. Now we have ben past their 42nd anniversary and we had a reasonable day - took Dad to the cemetery and put a new plant on the grave; it was a lovely day (amazing for July) and there was an air of peace around that comforts.

Still thinking of you and your DCs
xx

Original poster
Evenstar · 12/08/2008 13:18

Hi everyone, thanks for thoughts and kind words. I am doing OK, could have done with younger 2 having the extra week away really as they are quite bored and getting on each other nerves a bit. Eldest DS is also bored, taking driving test this afternoon so keeping fingers crossed for him. I may not be on so much as we only have internet access on one computer at the moment and as it was DH's and has lots of important stuff on it we are limiting use until friend has been over and sorted everything out for us. I am hoping to take younger son for a few more days at grandma's just before school goes back leaving the other two to look after the pets. Visiting friends for the day next weekend, DS1's 18th birthday next Monday and we are having a meal out with his other grandma (MIL). Also A level and GCSE results in next 2 weeks for eldest DC's. There is so much that DH has missed already, DD's 16th birthday was shortly after he died, it is quite hard to contemplate all these big days without him .

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struwellpeter · 12/08/2008 16:51

Hope the driving test went well.

thumbwitch · 12/08/2008 17:50

Evenstar, I'm sure he's out there somewhere looking in on your big events and being happy for you all, even if he can't be there in body, I'm sure he's there in spirit.
xx

Original poster
Evenstar · 13/08/2008 12:55

Sadly DS failed his driving test so he is very low, he also didn't get the job he interviewed for on Monday as they really liked him but the second person had more experience so life seems very hard for him at the moment. He is up for another job, but hasn't heard yet if he has an interview and it will be much harder for him to get there, I am just praying that his A level results are OK on Thursday. I am just struggling with the paperwork and all the problems with computers, also seems I may have been misinformed about benefits as I spoke to the Jobcentre and I may not be able to get help with my council tax if I am on Widowed Parents Allowance. All I can do is wait until I hear, but everything seems to take so long. Managed to sort Friday's banking problem out this morning and a mysterious problem with my mobile so that is positive. DS2 and DD are having friends round in a while so I need to get lunch, thanks as always for your kind thoughts everyone.

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