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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

DH died suddenly-need support and prayers please

653 replies

Evenstar · 29/06/2008 06:16

My DH passed away suddenly on Thursday 26 June, there has to be a post mortem and I cannot bring him home until the coroner releases his body. I am struggling to realise that he is gone, as I have been unable to go and see him owing to distance from home and mortuary being closed at weekend. Mum and brother are here, am getting amazing support from them, my 3 children and so many friends. I am finding it hard at night and getting up very early not wanting to wake others but feel need to chat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Evenstar · 27/07/2008 22:55

I have made the decision today that I need some space to adjust to all this, my dad is going home on Wednesday and my two younger DC's are going to stay with my mother as they always do in the summer as she is by the sea and has a swimming pool. My eldest son will be around but I just feel that I have not had any space for me since this happened and I have been trying too hard to be brave and hold together for everyone else. I am hoping that although I may be sad that I can see friends when I want to but just allow myself to grieve freely. Two very close friends came today who were unable to come to the funeral and we went to DH's grave for them to say goodbye. We took a flower to press, they felt as I do that it was such a beautiful peaceful place and perfect for him. Went to church this morning and it was the first time back at the main church where we held the funeral as 8 o' clock communion alternates between my local church and that one, felt but the service is the old words of the 1662 Common Prayer Book and very comforting.

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imaginaryfriend · 27/07/2008 23:52

Evenstar, I think that's a really good idea and it's great that you have the option of some time to yourself. On the other hand do be careful that you don't become depressed with too much time on your hands. xxx

Original poster
Evenstar · 30/07/2008 21:28

It has been strange just being on my own with the children today, dad left this morning. I went round to a friend's this afternoon for a cup of tea and so DS2 could play with his friend, it was a really nice afternoon as she has 2 new kittens, so much laughter at their antics. I am feeling anxious about the future, especially as it looks like all the gas and electric suppliers will be raising their bills. We are trying to cut down, but even if we cut down by 40-50% the rises could mean we are no better off and we would be cold and miserable this winter. I really want to stay in our family home,but the heating/lighting costs are a real worry

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imaginaryfriend · 31/07/2008 18:43

It's awful when real life hits in after a bereavement. Do you work Evenstar? We lived in a big, costly house but had to move very soon after my dad died, partly memories but mostly because my mum couldn't manage to keep it. I still dream about that house.

Original poster
Evenstar · 31/07/2008 23:52

No, I don't work I have been doing exam invigilating which is very part time and a part time job at a pre-school which was only for last term, they can only offer me occasional cover work next term. It looks like it won't be worth me working more than a few hours a week as I would lose all help with things like council tax and couldn't earn enough to pay them myself. Since leaving work when pregnant with DS1, 18 next month, I have only taken occasional part-time work when the children were at school. I have many qualifications, but my earning power is so limited after years out of the market that I will need to retrain to be able to support myself again, I have a very high level secretarial qualification but no detailed knowledge of things like Excel, but courses are available locally so when I am able I hope to reskill myself. I don't even know yet how much help I will get as my situation at the moment is very complex.

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Original poster
Evenstar · 31/07/2008 23:55

Thank you by the way imaginaryfriend for chatting, it seems to have gone very quiet on here lately, it is nice to know someone is "listening" It must have been very hard losing your dad and then losing your home, I really hope to avoid that for my 3, but I know it may not be possible to do that

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thumbwitch · 31/07/2008 23:56

Hi Evenstar - hope that your "you" time is good for you and gives you the space you need to just be. hugs to you

lilolilmanchester · 01/08/2008 00:05

Hi Evenstar, so hard to know what to say but really admire you for finding it in you to support other bereaved people at this time.
Take care xx

Original poster
Evenstar · 01/08/2008 00:09

I feel humbled by all love and support that I have received here and in RL, and I feel that other people who had suffered loss were able to spare a few words for me at a time when I needed it most. I would feel honoured if I thought a word from me had given a little comfort to someone else.

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lilolilmanchester · 01/08/2008 00:13

You have done that for sure Evenstar xx

blithedance · 01/08/2008 00:17

Hello Evenstar

Glad to hear you can pass the responsibilty for your little ones over so you can have a little time on your own. It must be hard having to support the children in their grief and not being able to let your own "guard" down.

I have a friend also bereaved a couple of years ago, I know she finds it hard to "let go" so you may as well start soon! Sometimes I feel I should drag her to a weepie movie to "open the floodgates" so to speak.

Hugs and prayers to you tonight.

thumbwitch · 01/08/2008 00:34

good floodgates film is Truly Madly Deeply...

imaginaryfriend · 01/08/2008 11:09

I think of you often Evenstar. And I like to know how you're getting on even though it's so sad too to hear how hard it all is. It's the most tragic, hard to bear aspect of life and we all have to face it some time. But it seems especially cruel when it comes suddenly and when you're still young.

hertsnessex · 01/08/2008 11:15

Hi Evenstar, i think of you often and hope you are doing ok. I hope the 'time out' you are getting is helpful and enables you to grieve as you said.

as for rising bills - can you change supplier? some of them are now doing capped prices - it may help. our electric etc has risen and its a joke. i am concerned about it all, so i really feel for you.

thinknig of u

xx

Original poster
Evenstar · 01/08/2008 23:03

Thanks everyone it is a comfort to know how many people on here are thinking of me. My dad has looked into it, and tells me that my current supplier is still the cheapest,and I have approached them and unless I go for prepayment there is nothing cheaper they can offer me. On a postive note I took my younger two up to their Grandma's today (we actually met halfway) and they are having a wonderful time. I feel a little more relaxed and broke my usual habit of never having anything to drink and had just one. Had a nasty moment in town this afternoon when someone stopped me to sympathise, I know it is better than ignoring or crossing the road but it was unexpected and took me by surprise as it was someone who I hadn't seen for a year who did some work in our house.

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ggglimpopo · 02/08/2008 09:08

Thinking of you Evenstar.

A very dear friend died suddenly last week and I am going to go see his wife tomorrow. There is nothing I can say to make sense of anything, but I just wanted to say that I understand.

Take care.xxx

Original poster
Evenstar · 02/08/2008 23:20

I am glad you are going to see your friend's wife tomorrow, I am sure it will be a great comfort to her, my friends and family have been the most wonderful support to me. Thank you for your kind words.

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lynnec · 02/08/2008 23:42

Evenstar, just wanted to let you know i was thinking of you.
I too lost my dp very suddenly, we had arranged to get married, but didn't get the chance,
just wanted to say i wish you all the best,i'm thinking of you. xxx

Original poster
Evenstar · 02/08/2008 23:47

Oh LynneC that is so sad, was your loss recent, thank you for thinking of me.

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lynnec · 02/08/2008 23:52

Hi Evanstar, it was 9 years ago, i have since met a new dp,which i never thought would ever happen in a million years!! As prev dp was my first love, we met at 15 had ds and passed away at 25, ds was 5.

There's never a day that goes by when i do not think about him though, there's still times i cry and cry just thinking about him, it still hurts to visit the cemetry, things do get easier as time goes by but i never do stop thinking about him.

How are things with yourself??

How are the kids??

Original poster
Evenstar · 02/08/2008 23:59

I am up and down, having some bad moments when I have to tell someone else who didn't know and as I am not ready to part with DH's things I have put some of them away so that I don't keep seeing them. Two younger children have gone to their grandma's by the sea for 10 days to a fortnight and are having a great time, they always go in the summer so it is nice they are able to. DS1 was being very difficult but has been much better in the last 24 hours with some one to one attention.

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lilolilmanchester · 03/08/2008 00:02

Evenstar,

lilolilmanchester · 03/08/2008 00:03

poop, keyboard playing up. Try again...

"Hi Evenstar, nothing I can say that hasn't been said before but thinking about you and admire your strength"

lynnec · 03/08/2008 00:06

Yes i think its very important to try and keep to a normal routine where possible for the kids, it is v,v difficult, there were times i found myself avoiding people, then times you just had to face up to when someone would ask how dp was, its also very difficult when the kids ask questions, what ages are the kids??

I did have wee look at your profile page but i've forgot the ages.

sushistar · 03/08/2008 00:14

Bless you Evenstar. May you find the space you need to deal with all this internally, as you've dealth with it all so well externally.

Here is a prayer for you:

Where there is sorrow, may there be comfort.
Where there is sadness, may there be happy memories.
Where there is worry, may there be peace.
Where there is lonliness, may there be companionship.
Where there dischord, may there be harmony.
And where the future is unclear, may God shine his light for your path.
Amen.

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