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Original poster

DH died suddenly-need support and prayers please

653 replies

Evenstar · 29/06/2008 06:16

My DH passed away suddenly on Thursday 26 June, there has to be a post mortem and I cannot bring him home until the coroner releases his body. I am struggling to realise that he is gone, as I have been unable to go and see him owing to distance from home and mortuary being closed at weekend. Mum and brother are here, am getting amazing support from them, my 3 children and so many friends. I am finding it hard at night and getting up very early not wanting to wake others but feel need to chat.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 18/07/2008 00:22

Evenstar - I'm glad for you that the day went well. How wonderful to have all those people think so much of your DH that they made such an effort to say goodbye to him.
Sleep well now (((hugs)))

retiredgoth · 18/07/2008 00:42

Hey "Evenstar"..

..I don't know if you have discovered this open site or this closed one

..if you have not, please investigate. There are more of us than you might imagine....

HumphreyCushioni · 18/07/2008 00:45

I'm glad the day went well, Evenstar.
I hope you manage to get some rest.

trulymadlydeeply · 18/07/2008 09:20

So glad the day went as well as it could have, Evenstar. Sending you lots of love for the coming days ...

XXX

ssd · 18/07/2008 15:58

really gald the day went as well as it could,hope you got a giid sleep, keep in touch here xx

Original poster
Evenstar · 18/07/2008 22:28

Have had a better day today, as I went down to the playgroup where I have been working this term, the children had made me a lovely card and there was a box of chocolates for me as I have only been working there temporarily this term. I also had lunch out with the others who work there then had a special show at youngest DS's school as he goes to secondary in September. He brought the house down with an impression of the headmaster, who wears loud ties and tells corny jokes. A teaching assistant came to tell me how well he has coped at school which was nice. Had some lovely chats and phonecalls, everyone said how wonderful the service was yesterday, a really special day in memory of DH. One friend said that DH would have been especially proud of me and DC's for the courage and dignity we showed, I hope he would too. Thank you for weblinks retiredgoth,I may look at those when I feel ready. Thank you all for your kind words.

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ssd · 19/07/2008 21:18

sounds like you are getting a lot of support, thats really good

it must mean a lot to you when people tell you how much they thought of your dh and what a credit your kids are to you both

big hugs to you all xx

Original poster
Evenstar · 19/07/2008 23:41

Some people may have seen my thread on chat this morning, DS1 aged 17 told me he was leaving a party at 12.30 am two streets away when I spoke to him before I went to bed. I woke up at 4.30 am as the dog was unwell and needed to go out, no DS1. When I rang his mobile and it went straight to voicemail I decided I must ring the police and ask if there had been any accidents as he had gone out with a friend who has been given a new larger car as part of an apprenticeship and DS1 had said they were getting people together to leave the party. Spoke to a lovely lady on the central phone number and she looked up incidents, at about 4.45 as she looked up the last one DS1 opened the front door. He said he had just stayed at the party and didn't think it mattered . I sent him straight up as he had to be at work at 7am and he was late again . He was a real pain when he got in from work and we ended up having a row with him basically saying he would do as he pleased . I am trying so hard to work things out, and the police lady actually said to me I was not overreacting about him not coming home. My father arrived this afternoon and is staying for the forseeable future.

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1dilemma · 19/07/2008 23:54

Hi Evanstar I'm glad yesterday went well.
I can't offer much direct experience to help with ds1 as my oldest is 6 but wanted you to get a reply.
I don't think you were acting unreasonably, I hope your Father will be able to help you all and especially ds1 get throught .

ssd · 20/07/2008 22:31

hi evenstar

your ds1 sounds like he's doing what a lot of boys his age would try, but on top of everything else it must feel impossible for you

I hope your dad has a word in his ear and ds1 listens to him and I hope you get a hug from your dad too xx

Original poster
Evenstar · 20/07/2008 22:50

We have had a much better day today, my brother actually had a chat with him last night, but didn't get angry. DS1 stayed in, had an early night and went to work on time this morning . He has gone out tonight but told me what he was doing before leaving the house. My dad and I went to DH's grave this afternoon, as he didn't come to the funeral (parents are divorced and he didn't want to see mum and new partner) we said a prayer for DH and everything looked nice there which was a comfort and flowers still beautiful, plot is in graveyard extension of a lovely country church with views over open countryside. A much better day, thanks for all your kind thoughts everyone.

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ssd · 21/07/2008 08:29

hope ds1 behaves himself, i have 2 boys youngest is 10, the days of teenagers are still a bit away! can't imagine them big boys!

glad visiting the grave with your dad went ok
the churchyard sounds lovely

SalVolatile · 21/07/2008 22:28

Hi Evenstar - just wanted to post a thought about your ds. I am a youth court magistrate so get to deal with a lot of disturbed teenagers one way or another . I think that when a parent dies at that point it must feel as though their childhood has died as well, and so part of his grieving process is that anger has turned into a sort of defiance - 'I am an adult, and I can manage myself'. What you are feeling and worrying about isn't on the radar. He really needs to find someone to talk to about how he is handling such a sudden death, but I guess you already know that . Just wanted to help, sorry if unhelpful waffle.

missorinoco · 21/07/2008 22:34

just found this thread evenstar.
my thoughts are with you. x

Poppycake · 21/07/2008 22:49

Looking at this thread, am amazed at the grace and fortitude you have shown. I hope I could be the same if in your position.
xxx

jammi · 21/07/2008 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Evenstar · 21/07/2008 23:27

Thank you everyone for your insights and kind words, since my brother spoke to DS1 things have been better. He has been out today and seems more cheerful, he really needs to find a full time job though and seems to be realising that now. He has a little car and has his test booked for next month, but knows he cannot keep it on the road without more money coming in than his Saturday job. I have been to inquire about benefits today, and have been given a Lone Parent Advisor, she is very nice but I never thought I would need one of those, she confirmed what I was thinking that although we can't say for sure yet until we see what I can claim that more than likely it will be uneconomic for me to work full time because I would lose things like Council Tax Benefit. I have only worked part time since DC's were born, and the two jobs I have been doing one was seasonal and the other was temporary for this term.

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Original poster
Evenstar · 21/07/2008 23:29

I should say the two jobs I have been doing recently as they are not the only ones I have had in the last almost 18 years.

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Original poster
Evenstar · 23/07/2008 23:23

DH's car went today,it was so hard to empty it, the only time I had ever done that before was when we were having a new car,it was like losing another piece of him. I also handed over all the uniform and music from the choirs he sang with and our accountant took away lots of his papers to deal with. They were all things that had to be done but so hard

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imaginaryfriend · 25/07/2008 09:51

Evenstar I remember my mum finding that terribly hard after my father died, clearing out the car. It's such a shock when someone dies suddenly.

I'm thinking of you.

Original poster
Evenstar · 26/07/2008 17:12

Thank you IF, I haven't posted much lately, I am finding everything hard, today is a month to the day since DH died and I cannot stop thinking about how our lives changed in a few moments. Yesterday, I was thinking about the lovely day we had on June 25 before all this happened and wishing I could just turn back the clock

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imaginaryfriend · 26/07/2008 19:34

Evenstar it is just so hard and so painful. After a serious bereavement when you look back at the time beforehand it seems like you were living in a dream, unaware of what was around the corner.

I remember it distinctly when I lost my father. I think sudden deaths are particularly bad and do lead to a kind of post-traumatic stress disorder. It did with me to be honest. I was mentally very unstable for 2-3 years after losing my father very shockingly and very suddenly. And in fact it changed my state of mind forever. I now always expect the worst. And I take nothing for granted - I will say goodbye to dp and will never be sure I will see him later.

Did you ever read 'Camera Lucida' by Roland Barthes? It's quite theoretical but he wrote it immediately after losing his mother (who he adored and lived with). It was about his looking at and analysing photographs of her to try to find what it was in her that made her 'her' and to try to come to terms with her death. I found it very moving. I read it shortly after losing my father.

I'm sorry to talk about myself. I hope in some way that sharing experiences will help you not to feel so alone in your grief.

zwiggy · 26/07/2008 19:43

Evenstar, so sorry for your loss. Hope you find some life enhancing moments along the way each day to help you through .

Original poster
Evenstar · 26/07/2008 23:11

Thank you IF,I will look out for that, I am definitely a "book" person and I think as you say it could help not to feel alone in my grief. Thank you everyone for the kind words and for sharing your own experiences with me, it gives me faith that one day life will be sweet again and I have always been somone who tries to take something good from each day, even if it is just a beautiful flower or some birdsong in the garden.

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imaginaryfriend · 27/07/2008 21:33

Evenstar I think one of the most important things is to accept and express your grief and know that life will be changed just as you will be changed. I think clinging onto how things have been just leads to terrible sadness.

I feel so much for you though, I hate to think about losing my dp.

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