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Original poster

DH died suddenly-need support and prayers please

653 replies

Evenstar · 29/06/2008 06:16

My DH passed away suddenly on Thursday 26 June, there has to be a post mortem and I cannot bring him home until the coroner releases his body. I am struggling to realise that he is gone, as I have been unable to go and see him owing to distance from home and mortuary being closed at weekend. Mum and brother are here, am getting amazing support from them, my 3 children and so many friends. I am finding it hard at night and getting up very early not wanting to wake others but feel need to chat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Evenstar · 02/07/2008 23:30

I have seen a body in mortuary, when I was asked to go and identify a body that might have been a friend who had gone missing. My older dc's were given the choice but said no, and from my memory of the mortuary it would be an inappropriate place to take a very sensitive and young for his age 11 year old. It would have been very different if he had come back and was at the undertakers here in his own clothes.

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Spidermama · 02/07/2008 23:35

Shut me up if I overstep here.

I'm just basing this on the moment I saw my Grandmother in the mortuary. She looked pretty bad and I was very scared, BUT I'm so glad I saw her. I could see she wasn't there anymore and really felt deeply that she was somewhere else in spirit at least. Her body was an empty shell. Very cold. Not her at all. Just her discarded physical remains and it really, really helped me with the grieving.

imaginaryfriend · 02/07/2008 23:40

Evenstar, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My father died very suddenly when I was a teenager. My mum and brother went to identify his body but I didn't as I couldn't face it. I adored him, was a real 'daddy's girl'. Even though I know the sight of him dead would have upset me and would have haunted me too I would have found it easier to accept he'd gone. As it was I had dreams every night that I'd 'find' him in all kinds of places, I just didn't really believe he was gone.

Dp's father died 3 years ago and we both saw the body and I did think it helped.

But you know your kids better than anyone and I don't know how I would have felt had I seen my dad after he'd died. I just wanted to share my story as I've been following your thread and really feeling for you.

Spidermama · 02/07/2008 23:43

Here's a prayer for the Holy Souls ...

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May they rest in peace. Amen.

daffodill6 · 02/07/2008 23:44

I was really very shocked after seeing my Grandma just before her funeral (me aged 24) and this made me think long and hard about seeing my mum before her funeral (8 years later) although I was with her when she died.

I chose my mums clothes and took them for her, but chose not to see her. I preferred to have 'last' memories from a far happier memory bank that I already have.

Maybe I was naive - but I think I'd need to prepare children to say goodbye.

Not being critical - just trying to help

Original poster
Evenstar · 02/07/2008 23:56

If he had come home promptly after his death, according to NHS Direct the post mortem should be carried out within 2-3 days,or even if he had been released for burial today I would be certain that the best thing for my DC's would be to see him. As it is I had already had a difficult conversation with my undertaker about deterioration, as it will be a week tomorrow since he passed away. She assured me much could be done, and that she would be honest with me if it would be inappropriate for my DC's. Now after this afternoon's news we are facing at least another week's delay in getting him back and I am not sure what his condition will be. I have just spoken to eldest son and he feels that at that point he would like to view if considered appropriate he and my dd made their own decision not to come tomorrow.

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Original poster
Evenstar · 03/07/2008 00:00

Thank you for that beautiful prayer Spidermama there have been prayers for my husband and our family in churches up and down the country and my vicar has said a special prayer for him tonight. I do understand the benefit of viewing the body when loved ones have passed away I have always done so if possible, I always liken it to a chrysalis when the butterfly has flown, but I have no experience of a delay such as this in releasing a body it was always very soon after death or at death.

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LynetteScavo · 03/07/2008 00:04

Evenstar, just found this thread.

Saying a prayer for you. x

Spidermama · 03/07/2008 00:05

I understand evenstar. You've clearly given it a good deal of thought. I love the chrysalis analogy. That's spot on.

My grandmother was actually frozen, which was a shock when I touched her, but may have preserved her a little. She really wasn't there though. Totally gone.

She was, however, 'with us' while we were scattering her ashes. We all felt her, even the athiests amongst our family group, so strongly.

How are you sleeing at the moment evenstar? I'm sure tomorrow is going to be a very big day for you. I wish you all the best with that.

thumbwitch · 03/07/2008 00:08

I would just like to echo Spidermama in that it helped me to see my grandparents in the undertaker's, but then it is such a hushed and reverent atmosphere. I don't know that seeing your DH in a mortuary will be the same and it could be quite upsetting for your DC (and you, I'm afraid) to see him in such sterile surrounds. I am not at all trying to upset you or put you off, just maybe to offer you a little more preparation, even though you have already been to a mortuary so know what to expect. Sorry if I am being insensitive, I don't mean to be.

I was with my mum when she died this day last year, and I didn't see her in the undertaker's - I had already said my goodbyes to her.

I don't know a huge amount about mortuaries but I believe that the deterioration is slowed a lot in the chilling and processing that goes on, so it might still be ok in another week - have you spoken to anyone at the mortuary about it, or just your undertaker?

Good luck tomorrow anyway and more hugs.

thumbwitch · 03/07/2008 00:10

Sorry, massive crosspost there as my internet connection went awol at the crucial moment - please ignore the first half of my message as it isn't relevant now.

Spidermama · 03/07/2008 00:14

Good night evenstar.
Peace be with you.
I'll say prayers for your family tonight and you will be in my thoughts tomorrow.

xx

Original poster
Evenstar · 03/07/2008 00:17

I have discussed with my parents, former nurse and crematorium superintendant and my undertaker, there are issues but very much hope they will be overcome for DC's if we can get him home and they can take care of him. May ask mortuary when I go tomorrow, if I am able.

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Original poster
Evenstar · 03/07/2008 00:21

DD has just told me she too would like to view at undertaker if appropriate, this is all so hard. I have had so many difficult conversations in the last few days with everyone. Am not sleeping well, but did have a couple of hours of heavy sleep after the shock of this afternoon's news. Having spoken to a paramedic who had cared for DH and a witness it seemed very clear it had been a massive heart attack which of course would have shown on PM. I am going to go up soon and lie down as I realise I will need all my strength to get through tomorrow we are also going to collect his belongings from the police

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Original poster
Evenstar · 03/07/2008 00:22

Thank you Spidermama for your kind words and prayers.

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ajandjjmum · 03/07/2008 09:08

Thinking of you and yours today Evenstar.

lottiejenkins · 03/07/2008 09:14

Will be thinking of you today Evanstar ,,,,,,,,

Wezzle · 03/07/2008 09:27

Thinking of you all today x

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 03/07/2008 09:36

Lots of virtual hand holding for you today Evenstar, I found the fear of viewing DH1 at the funeral home far exceeded the reality. Once I was there and had got over the initial shock I was glad (if that is the right word!?) that I had been. Remember to take your time, and someone with you for moral support, if you can.

Big hugs xx

noddyholder · 03/07/2008 09:51

Have just seen this and just want to add my condolences and thoughts for you and your children.I am so sorry you are having to go through this and will send you some reiki if you don't mind.Let me know it may help xx

Spidermama · 03/07/2008 10:50

Thinking of you and your family today evenstar and sending your love and courage.

Mummy2TandF · 03/07/2008 12:10

evenstar - I saw my dh in the mortuary the day after he had died and found it very comforting to "see" that he hadn't suffered and also needed to see him to be able to try and start to believe what had happened. i saw him after the PM aswell and then when he was released to the funeral parlour I went to see him again because I wanted to see him in the clothes I had chosen etc ... to be perfectly honest, although I was glad that I saw him these 3 last times, I didn't find the 3rd time as comforting or calming ... I was told that it was because it was a week after and the deterioration just have you had said - he had makeup on and it just didn't look like DH. Having saidn that siome of his friends went to see him there as well and said that it really helped them - I am sorry I have not been much help but I think this will always be an individual decision and whatever feels right for you will be the right thing to do.

Countingthegreyhairs · 03/07/2008 12:35

Thinking of you Evenstar x

PollyPentapeptide · 03/07/2008 12:42

I am so terribly sorry to hear of this Evenstar. Much love and peace to you and your family. I wish that there was something I could do to help

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 03/07/2008 12:58

Evenstar am thinking of you and praying for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx