Church service followed by direct cremation, is this the right choice?

[Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas]

Hello all. I’m in bits just now and really need some advice.

My step mother has recently passed and I’m making all the arrangements as there is no other family that want to be involved apart from my Dad (her husband). I was her carer in her last years so am well aware of her wishes in most things.

Me and my father were thinking about a church ceremony but then saying goodbye to her at the church. After which she would be taken to a place for a direct cremation.

The reason for this is, although she wanted cremation, she was really religious and the church was the most important thing to her. And the idea of going to the crematory with just a few people is so depressing for me.

I think after the church service with all the smells and the bells and the music etc etc it would feel like such a let down to have such a wonderful service and finish it in such a sad way. The other option is we have a close family only at the crem but nobody from her family has reached out to me to say anything about the planning.

Our church is beautiful and we have a good relationship with them. They will be providing the full works for her service. Music candles incense etc etc.

My heart is telling me we say goodbye at the church. Not travel across town to watch her coffin go through a curtain. Am I doing the wrong thing?

Please forgive any typos. I’m crying as I write this.

For my mum we had a direct cremation and then a memorial service with burying of the ashes in the churchyard.

Oh by direct I mean at the local crematorium but just without a ceremony. Just the practical aspect so to speak. Nothing dodgy!

The funeral directors have said that she can be at the church with us all then taken to the place of cremation afterwards.

My grandad was very religious and went to church weekly.

He had a church service and every seat in there was filled.
We then went onto the crematorium. Family and close friends were invited. It was intimate but I felt I could say my final goodbyes there.

Everybody is different. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Id do a direct cremation first. Or just with immediate family there.

Then have a break of a few hours, go home for lunch or a lie down ( you will be exhausted ) .

Then in the afternoon ( or even the next day ) have a service of celebration of her life / memorial service at the church. So not a traditional funeral as there will be no body / coffin / herse etc .

When my aunt died we had a church funeral mass and then went to the crematorium where the priest did a small service and family gave a eulogy. Most crems have varying sizes chapels so you could choose a small one so that if just close family go it won't feel empty.

Im so sorry for your loss. As lots of people have said, there’s no right way/wrong way, it’s what works best for you.

I was a church administrator for years. I personally liked the private committal at the crematorium then back to the church for a service of thanksgiving, then the wake. That way the family get to spend time with the friends who’ve come to support them. As someone else says, if the family leave to go to the crem after the service, some people will drift off before they return.

I did the opposite for both my parents. Small quick service at the crematorium, got the tears out. Then the church funeral service, and straight on to the wake.

I think that sounds like a nice idea.

For my DF we had a short cremation service for immediate family, time for a coffee in the crem cafe then had a service of celebration in the church he attended with wider family and friends before heading off to pub for light refreshments and chat. Was the right way round for us and seemed to work. DF had originally specified church followed by direct cremation but I couldn't bear to send him on that final drive without company and he took the suggestion out.

All the funerals I have been to recently in churches have been like this. Everyone said goodbye at the church.

I just want to say thank you so much again for all your replies. It means so much to me to not feel quite so alone. ❤️❤️❤️

I’m so sorry for your loss, tbh you need to do what feels right for you and your dad,

We did this for my mum.

she was active in the church and it meant a lot to her, she had been ill a long time and had made her wishes clear, but also insisted that we should do what is good for us to.

we had a beautiful service at the church, it was packed I was so pleased. We followed her to the crematorium (me and my 3 brothers) my dad and my eldest 2 brothers and sisters in law and my husband took everyone back to the house to serve food drinks etc.

we went the scenic root to the crem, along roads that were important to her. At the gates they drive her through and we stayed outside and watched the car disappear. The funeral directors were so good helping us with this. They stayed with her until she was cremated and called to tell us when it was happening so we could have a few minutes silence (we had been driven back to my dads house my then). It was lovely, very moving and felt right.

the flowers were returned to the church and were laid out in the ladies chapel for a few days for anyone that wanted to few them.

My mother’s remains just went from hospice to the funeral home and the crematorium. We had the memorial
service without her body which is exactly how she wanted things.

we got her ashes back and had a private moment later.

hers is not the only memorial I have attended with no remains present.

What you propose sounds perfect and is exactly what my mother in law did for her husband over 25 years ago. She was very religious and had seen it recommended in the Methodist Times as a way of being able to say your final goodbyes in the church, given that Methodist churches don’t generally have their own graveyards.

The undertaker found it very odd and kept checking that she didn’t want to attend the crematorium. She was very clear that she didn’t want to, and that no-one else was to attend either.

She wanted the same arrangement for herself but she died right at the beginning of the first Covid lockdown and we ended up just going to the crematorium, with no church service at all, which is not what she would have wanted.

We had a private cremation for only close family for my mum then a lovely memorial service at church to celebrate her 83 years .
Her grandchildren were all involved she would have loved it and been so proud of them.

We did what you suggest, much nicer, straight over to the wake with everyone else. We didn't do it to aave money but it was cheaper as well.

Sounds lovely.

That sounds like a lovely idea.

My DH wanted a full church service so we did that, then we had the wake straight afterwards. Cremation was the following day with only a few of us and it was nice to have a quiet time without such a big "audience". We did it this way for reasons of timing and cost - the crem is a good 30 mins away and we would have basically missed the wake, and it was considerably less expensive to have the cremation in the morning. For us it worked well - the big celebration and the service he wanted, then the short, private and more reflective service at the crematorium.

We did exactly that for my Mum. I have been to a number of services at the Church done this way, and I found it a much more dignified end to the service than then working out who is going to the crematorium in which car.

We had the funeral service in the church, then the coffin was taken to the back of the church, where the vicar led the committal prayers, that otherwise would be done at the crematorium. The immediate family watched the coffin leave from the church porch, while the rest of the congregation watched a slide show of photos from her life. Then we had a group hug, and went back to the church hall for the wake.

The undertakers took her straight to the crematorium, we also had the option of the vicar going to the crematorium, although we decided against it.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do things, but for us that was perfect. I don't think anyone would find that particularly unusual, but the only thing you have to think about is what is right for your family. I hope you are contentbwith whatever you decide.

Personally I find the committal of the body ( burial or cremation ) the hardest part of the funeral . So when I’ve had to organise a funeral I arrange that in the morning and the memorial service / service of celebration of their life in the early afternoon followed by the wake / meal / drinks etc .

Of course you don’t always have a choice of times at the crematorium etc.

I just wanted to say thank you for all your responses. We have had our meetings with the church and the funeral directors and everything is all arranged. We are getting a motercycle hearse (she loved her bike) to take her to church, then we will say our goodbyes there. The priest at church said this was a very common thing to do. He understood that the service at church would have been the important thing to her and what we are planning is correct for our family.

thank you all so much again!

We do a church service and a direct cremation. After church service we have a lunch and a cup of tea.
Works well for os

I'm sorry for your loss. That sounds like a perfectly acceptable thing to do and is not uncommon.