Dad has died, difficult brother involved, and I am dreading the funeral

[foel]

Dad aged 91. Last 2 years in care home where he didn't know where he was or who I was. In a way its a blessing

He was not be any stretch the worlds best Dad. He treated me badly, upset my wife multiple times and didn't even want to know his grandkids. BUT I stuck by him when he didn't really deserve it maybe.

Problem is only brother. 2 years ago we fell out he had an idea that someone should visit Dad at home twice a day - I lived miles away and couldn't commit. I don't have a problem with him but it ended up with him threatening to kill me if I ever visited Dad again. (Not the first time hes done this mind!)

I just avoided him and still visited Dad. Ended up sorting out Dads care home and visiting every week. For some reason brother did a 360 and visited twice in 2 years.

So Dads gone. I had to phone him. He wasn't bothered just wanted to know when the money was coming. His wife has even invited me over for a "family get together". Umm I don't think so

I'm arranging funeral and everything. Dreading the actual funeral. Is it OK to not have a wake?

I'm happy to just say hello and be civil but got a bad feeling about it. My dear wife (who I know is supporting me) may not be able to ignore them if they come over.

Any suggestions?

It's not all about your Dad at this point, funerals are for those of us who are left, and if going to this one will make things worse for you and yours, then so be it. IIRC from your previous thread, your Dad sounded awful and manipulative. I think it is totally on purpose that he left you as joint executors and if I were you I would refuse to play his games after his death. Can you not tell other family members the truth about why you will not be going to the funeral? I mean about your brother's abusive behaviour - probably not a good idea to slag off your dad now even if he deserves it?

Your priority now is your own family and yourself. And if your brother starts complaining, remind him about his previous abuse and say you can't inflict that again on your wife and kids.

Attend the funeral, say your goodbyes then you and your DW go for a meal. Advise the solicitor of the situation with your brother, best-if they are in the know.

SPOT ON

( sorry for shouting)

My sil & I can't abide each other, my mum died in March & we just had a direct cremation, no wake & each half of the family just had their own celebration of my mum's life. If it wasn't for her me & my brother would be fine, I will never forgive her for what she's done.

Oh yes Dad was awful.... V V selfish man indeed. I used to tell myself "hes stil your Dad" but honestly....

This is him all over. He always swept everything under the carpet because it suited him to do so.

Oh yes brother deserves for everyone to know BUT they see the good side of him - hes very clever at that. They don't see the unseen stuff.
I'd just end up looking like a troublemaker.

Same with Dad - it grates a little when everyone says how lovely he was. Not true at all I'm afraid.

I have told brother now I'll be civil for Dads sake to sort this all out but please I want to do my own thing at the funeral with no dramas (i.e. stay away).

At the moment, I can't wait for it all to be over and that'll be end of it. Never have to deal with brother again (after will is sorted).

Wish I could but brother is putting on a show it seems....

Got to be fair I was upset for about a day when Dad passed. Like I said he wasn't a very pleasant man at all....
(My kids his grandkids even less so - he never acknowleged them even - they were only upset because they saw me upset)

I think I've been 100x more stressed this past week with the stupid cr@p my brother is now coming up with and taking over.

Well - funeral has come and gone. In the end he pretty much took over.
I went to the service, left immediately so talked to no-one, and gave the wake a miss. Went for a pint with a few of my mates then met a few of my cousins for a meal in the evening.

I've had text abuse from him so had to block his number. Apparently, I disgraced the entire family somehow. I also had facebook abuse from an auntie (she always took his side) who said she was ashamed of me (another block!)

I had a call from funeral home also. Apparently, he cancelled all plans I made and promised to phone them. They've got the ashes and he made no plans at all!

This is him all over. Big funeral, big wake - look at me the perfect son. Visiting Dad at care home, arranging things, sorting out funding, sorting out cremation afterwards no-one sees lost interest now!

Will is going to be tricky now as joint executors since hes not phoned the solicitor. Hey ho. Hes paid for the wake etc so I expect hes hoping for a bag of cash to appear on his doorstep.

He sounds dreadful. You did the right thing by not attending the wake. If he has organised it he can pay for it.

If the funeral director initially took instructions from you then surely they then shouldnt have allowed your sibling to override those instructions.

In regard to the ashes you need not do anything immediate in terms of their disposition. Did your dad express any preference about interment or scattering? If no preferences given then a simple scattering somewhere peaceful.

It might be worth a chat with the solicitor about the best way to deal with the will where the other executor is abusive. They will probably have seen this situation before.

I am sorry for your loss. You now need to put your welfare at the top of your priority list. Anyone who is abusive can be blocked and ignored. Their opinions are irrelevant.

@foel really sorry to hear this. Well done on the liberal use of the block button! If he paid for the wake he’ll be desperate for the reimbursement so that might make him be sensible in terms of getting probate sorted but I second pp suggestion of discussing how to handle it with your solicitor.

I have been thinking of you and had wondered what you had to deal with. Hope you and your wife are doing ok. Sending you best wishes for the months ahead.

Well, I did start to organise it then he took over. To be honest, I did tell then if he wants anything extra to let him do it - because I could not be bothered to argue.

Its sorted now. Rose bush, plaque. Not hard to sort but its not the point.

Yes speaking to solicitor is next.

Oh yes don't need these people in my life....

He will have no idea. Can guarantee it'll sink in eventually......

I found out as joint guarantor each one can make decisions separately APART from property. I have access to Dads bank account (not telling him that) but he does have access to Dads flat.

I know he'll have been up there and stripped anything of value (like I said he had all the cash in the house a while ago). Luckily, not a lot of value if I'm honest. Probably cost more to clear out the furniture than anything....

BUT at least he can't sell the place.....

aw thanks. Its been a tough time to be honest. More than it needed to be.

5% with Dad passing (he was 91, expected to go months ago, had no idea who anyone was)
95% hassle with that d@ckhead