Dad has died, difficult brother involved, and I am dreading the funeral

[foel]

Dad aged 91. Last 2 years in care home where he didn't know where he was or who I was. In a way its a blessing

He was not be any stretch the worlds best Dad. He treated me badly, upset my wife multiple times and didn't even want to know his grandkids. BUT I stuck by him when he didn't really deserve it maybe.

Problem is only brother. 2 years ago we fell out he had an idea that someone should visit Dad at home twice a day - I lived miles away and couldn't commit. I don't have a problem with him but it ended up with him threatening to kill me if I ever visited Dad again. (Not the first time hes done this mind!)

I just avoided him and still visited Dad. Ended up sorting out Dads care home and visiting every week. For some reason brother did a 360 and visited twice in 2 years.

So Dads gone. I had to phone him. He wasn't bothered just wanted to know when the money was coming. His wife has even invited me over for a "family get together". Umm I don't think so

I'm arranging funeral and everything. Dreading the actual funeral. Is it OK to not have a wake?

I'm happy to just say hello and be civil but got a bad feeling about it. My dear wife (who I know is supporting me) may not be able to ignore them if they come over.

Any suggestions?

It might help to think of him as a victim of your dad's weirdness. You are too, but it showed up differently with you. That shouldn't change the way you deal with him - tight boundaries, do what you have to, no more - but thinking about it in that way might help you get your head down and do what you have to in order to get through this tricky time.

I'm sorry for your loss and for what you never had in the first place.

Another vote for a direct cremation.
No attendees.
Get it over and done with.

You do not have to have a funeral, and if he arranges one you do not have to go to it. You can honour your father in whatever way suits you. No one is pushing for you to see your brother, so don’t. Life is too short to be around horrible people.

I think you can hand over all the will stuff to a solicitor? Obviously it costs but less stress.
Is there a home to sort out ans possessions or thas that been done?

I'm a joint executor with my brother for my aunt's will. In practice he does 90% of it without telling me. There are a very few things I have to sign too. He is selling her house and that process doesn't involve me. I trust him 😊 but he does share everything he does with me - there is a joint spreadsheet he updates. My role as joint executor means I could challenge him if I want

I don't think I'd try and remove your brother as executor, given fractious relationship suspect he may take it badly and be suspicious you are trying to rob him. But just lay out what needs doing and do it.

On funeral, how close are you to cousins? What do you want to do - do you want a small send off? Assuming you are not religious as that would dictate what you do. You can do crematorium ceremony relatively easily, funeral director will help you put it together. And you don't need to do more.

The do nothing option is direct cremation - which is crem does it with no-one there so usually early morning before any services as above.

Wakes definitely not obligatory they are for support of family and friends - which is mainly you and anyone else you feel you need to support. In this case not your brother and I doubt the cousins really.

I have just done this for a family member but .. we chose the next option which did allow up to 20 people to attend the cremation. 6 family attended & two friends. Explore your options with funeral director. You can have whatever is easiest for you.
Don’t be bulldozed into extras.

We didn’t have a wake. You don’t have to have a wake. If you’re worried about brother & wife at a wake, either discretely invite cousins to nearby pub or just don’t have it!
It’s ok not to have a wake!

If brother & wife attend, it takes 2 to argue. Just walk away, keep your dignity. Time to put your big boy pants on.

One of you can be the lead executor. You both don’t need to get involved. In my case there were 3 of us but I took the lead. Either you take it on or leave it to brother. I passed everything over to legals. Probate & IHT was too much for me to get my head around!

Don't add alcohol into the mix.

Funerals are for the living... You do not have to do this and I suspect you need a dedicated email to communicate with your brother over the will etc. I didn't attend my Nana's funeral. I looked after her and loved her but I couldn't stand the thought of being at the funeral with all the empty vessels that had done fuck all. I had just had a baby too and just knew I couldn't keep my cool so just didn't go at all. It's years ago now and I always dreaded I would regret it but I don't.. if you've done the right thing whilst someone is alive, the bit after they're dead isn't about them, it is about you and you need to protect yourself from undue stress.

I’d 100% do a direct crematorium with no service. It’s a very common way to have a funeral now. You could invite your cousins out for a meal to have a get together if you wanted but only if you want to see them. My Dad was much loved but we still all chose a direct crematorium with no service or spreading of ashes. We booked it online. It’s the best way for our family.
Is getting probate going to be straightforward? I’d set up a WhatsApp for you and your brother and use it just for all the admin. Screenshot or photograph everything relevent and do everything correctly. No chit chat.

Direct cremation
No wake
I've attended a couple pf funerals of people 90+ and its usually at most 10/11 people there 😕

Your situation with your Dad and brother sounds familiar - have you posted about this before? I seem to remember replying to you before if so.

Was your dad a church goer? As pp have said you could have a direct cremation, but a halfway house between that and a church service is to have the service in the chapel of remembrance at the crematorium. We did this with my uncle. The funeral directors arranged it and found a minister to do the service. They even chose some nice classical music for us.

Later on we interred my uncle's ashes at the crematorium at no extra cost (at least I don't think so) because Mum didn't seem to want to get a memorial stone, she did order a plaque, but she needn't have had either. At the interment of ashes it was just me and Mum - we didn't invite anyone else, it wasn't a service or anything.

I totally get where your DW is coming from but - could you ask her to hold her tongue for your sake? I am fiercely protective of my DH (and he me) but have managed to play nice through gritted teeth with his hideous ex wife for his and his kids sake - although I’d love nothing more than to tell her a few home truths. Equally I know when my DF dies and my horrible brother is sticking his hand out for his inheritance within a day of getting the call to say Dad has died that DH won’t kick off at him because it won’t be what I need at the time…

Sounds VERY similar....

Latest is funeral is arranged. As much as I wanted to (and he probably deserved nothing) I just couldnt in the end.....

Told brother and now hes got all sorts of ideas of arranging a wake, getting male voice choir etc. invited down his house to discuss etc. Just NO!!

In reality she probably will but I worry that the provocation from him will be too much to bear.....

She wears her heart on her sleeve and says how it is. In some ways, to be respected but its just not me.

Possibly I have because I knew it was coming....

Church service (where he used to go) then quick crem is organised. As I said in other post he wants a wake etc. Might just tell him to crack on then not go anyway.

Oh well looks like someone put 50p in him.... Id started to arrange the funeral but no hes woken up got ideas now for a massive wake, male voice choir (usual thing he "knows someone".

Half expected. Trekking up to see Dad not knowing who you are every week for 2 years is not fun at all and no-one sees you doing it (so he didn't bother).
Having a huge wake etc and telling everyone means he looks like the worlds bet son....

Told him to crack on. I'll be deffo giving the wake a miss. Maybe even the funeral the way hes going.

My suggestion.

Funeral (cousins on alert for trouble)
Dry (no alcohol) wake
Hand over executor duties who will act according to inheritance law, not what brother thinks.
Get inheritance if care fees hasn't swallowed up everything.
Go your separate ways.

I feel for you, I have a similar situation with my sister. I haven’t spoken to her in over 10 years now (and she’ll tell you she has no idea why - she’s a selfish bully who puts herself above everyone, even her own children, she’s been awful to my parents for 20 odd years but they take it for fear of not seeing the grandchildren) Anyway, with my parents rapidly aging I’ve actually been having therapy to deal with knowing that I’ll have to be around her when the inevitable happens!

Cousins - done this in the past. BUT I've found people tend to see him being nice as pie to everyone and not know what going on and won't take sides. Hes VERY good at that.

Wake - well hes arranging and can guarantee he will be knocking them down. I'm possibly not even going to go to the wake at all.

Executor - speaking to solicitor next week (the one that has Dads will) to get them to represent.

Inheritance - Well, Dad had CHC funding so care fees were paid for 100%. (I sorted this)

Separate ways - Can't wait. If I ever see him again it'll be too soon.

Did any of them know him? If not and given the circumstances have a crematorium service and nothing else. If your brother doesn't like it too bad.

99% sure he's stolen money from Dads flat.....

Dad had this thing about keeping cash in the house. He'd always tell me "theres £200 here £200 there". So Im sure he did the same with brother.

When Dad went into the home I thought "right its going into the bank now" but I couldn't find any of it. I had a think of places he mentioned and had a good look last night and its deffo all gone.

ALSO, after Dad went into the home the odd cashpoint entry appeared on his account. I think Dad used to get him to nip down to town and get him cash....

Anyway, I reported that card as stolen at the time. And then intercepted the replacement card when it arrived at Dads before he got. (Must have been funny when he tried to use the old card and it didn't work!)

I have access to Dads bank account - have done for years because I used to do stuff for him. He won't have but I'm keeping an eye in case I see things going....

Dads flat. I have a key fob - not sure if he does. Not that there's pretty much anything of value there but who knows but he'll have it if he can.

Also, he's always said he wants the flat when Dad goes. BUT there's not enough of Dads other assets for him to pay me off..... I've mentioned this before to him and he just shrugged.

I wouldn't put it past him to move in and decide the flat is his now.

In all this, I know 100% I've done everything in Dads best instance even when a lot of the time he didn't deserve. I just can't see how anyone can live with themselves when they've stolen from their own parent.....

Well neither of us see much of them....

Hes already phoned them all playing perfect grieving son act

Oh jeez I feel for you - I knew this day was coming.....

Same as you. Dad would never call out his behaviour because he was scared of upsetting him which would mean one less person to do things for him.

I never asked him to get in the middle just asked Dad to have a quiet word to tell him to cut it out - Dad never did.

It got so bad one time I had loads of abuse and physical threats I even got the police involved. I told Dad this and showed him the texts but all I ever got was "ah you know what he's like - hes a bit hot tempered"

I asked him to pick one of us to be executor on his will not both of us. Never changed it.

In a LOT of ways, Dad was a VERY selfish man. All he cared about was himself and it suited him to have 2 sons who he could call on at any time (he thought). His manipulation skills were legendary also. Another reason why he wasn't bothered with the grandkids - they weren't something to enjoy they were blockers to him having my 100% attention.

I'll never forget having a really hard time with my teenage son. He has Aspergers. I explained to Dad I needed some time he said "ok take a day or two". His answer to problems with son "in my day we didn't have this aspergers rubbish, all he needs is a smack across the head". Nice eh?