No funeral

[RedorBlack]

Hello all DDad died last week. It was quite sudden, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and we were told 6 months. He died less than 2 weeks later. We are reeling with the shock and trying to get our heads around it.

my dad decided before he dies that he did not want a funeral, just to be cremated. I am really struggling with this about feels so incomplete somehow. DS (9) asked me about the funeral and I told him we weren’t having one, he asked where do we go to be sad together.

anyone been through similar and have any suggestions for how to manage the emotions of this?

I'm sorry to hear about the sudden passing of your father OP. Why do you think he didn't want a funeral? Do you think he was thinking he didn't want to cause you a fuss? The cost? I would organise a getting together of some kind. If you think it will help you and your family process your grief then do it. Take care x

Condolences.

I have nothing helpful, but I think this everytime i see ads for direct cremations. Funerals are for those left behind. There is a reason why societies have bereavement rituals.

Could you organise a gathering with a formal bit where some memories of your Dad are shared?

I’m so sorry for your loss, that’s just no time at all. I won’t be having a funeral and it doesn’t stop people from being sad together and doing what they want to celebrate my life, it just means they don’t have to follow my dead body and they can do something that suits them in their own time. Nothing at all stopping you from planning something very fitting that your daughter can be involved in.

So sorry for your loss OP. Is there somewhere special or that holds nice memories? Could you go there as a family to remember your dad and happy times?

Plan a get together as a memorial event

I’m afraid I would have a funeral and call it something else. Maybe just a ‘gathering’.

Funerals are for the living. Tbh the relentless advertising of direct cremation to older people as a ‘responsible choice’ is terrible.

Id say do it any way you like, including a standard funeral.

Just because your dad wanted a direct cremation, that doesnt mean you cant have a funeral if that's what you want to do. That is absolutely 💯 fine. Youll just be doing it without him there, a memorial service.

I'm so sorry about your dad.

My DH died last year. He stipulated no funeral but wanted us to go out for a nice dinner to remember him. This is what we did and it was really nice.

He hated the idea of lining the pockets of the funeral directors.

I'm so very sorry for you loss @RedorBlack

A friend of mine had a similar situation last year and really struggled with the 'no funeral' request. They really felt the need to do something so a small group went to a local beauty spot which had been a favourite place of the deceased. They took some drinks and shared some stories and it seemed to bring her some comfort.

Hope you will be able to find an appropriate way to celebrate your DF's life

Sending you love💐

I'm really sorry. I'm always shocked by tje hubris of people forbidding people from mourning the way they want to when they aren't even there anymore.

I think you should go ahead and have whatever funeral is most comforting for you.

I think a small gathering would work well.
Just to raise a glass to say goodbye Dad.

Wow

That 'where do we go to be sad together' actually really resonates and I would be thinking exactly the same

I think I would struggle with this too

If you want a time to come together you can have a memorial service, this could be formal in a church or hall or less formal eg side room of a pub, some funeral directors have spaces you can rent. You could do this ahead of scattering ashes as a suggestion. Do what you feel will help you

My condolences to you, what shock for you!
Could you have some sort of gathering/ celebration of his life when you get the ashes back? Have you decided what to do with the ashes, maybe you could have a family gathering then.

Get a celebrant if you can. They are wonderful in helping with wording and getting across your loved one’s personality with sentiment. It takes the pressure of you at such a difficult time.

You can have a memorial or anything you feel necessary without an actual funeral. I work (indirectly) closely with the crematorium industry and direct funerals, with no service, are the biggest growth area of the business.

In my opinion, it’s great idea. Funerals and coffins are just relentlessly awful. I went to a close friend’s parent’s (traditional) funeral last week, without exception, every family member I spoke to said it was a huge relief to have it over with; they’d all been dreading it. How nice that we have an option to not bother with the funeral bit and can choose to celebrate a life in a less gloomy way.

I am going to tell my family, no funeral for me. Spend the money on something fun.

I have told my relatives that I want a direct cremation, but that the final decision will be made by my adult child.

If my adult child feels a formal cremation would help them to grieve, I'm fine with that too.

But I've warned other relatives (I'm looking at you here, dear sister) not to interfere with my Child's decision. child's decision I want to be made based on their needs and wants, not on anyone elses.

Im sorry for the loss of your father. It’s very early days and I’m sure you are feeling numb.

I do wonder whether people who say they don’t want a funeral, do it, because they don’t want to burden their family with emotional or financial stress?
If a funeral is affordable and would give you comfort, then I think you should arrange one.
A funeral is for those who are left behind. It is a chance to mourn and celebrate that person. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Just a time to say goodbye.

So many wise words here.
I wanted to say how very sorry I am for this really sudden and deep loss.

I think it’s thoughtful for people to choose direct cremation, and I’ve done the same. Nothing stops you from organising a get together in his memory if that’s what you’d like. Not being tied to a funeral is a gift tbh. It can be horrendous for some families.

My dm wants a direct cremation, sadly my df predeceased her and she decided he would have a direct crematorium. All my sister's and out children weren't happy about it but we went along with it.

2 years on, or still makes me sad that he was alone.

This.

My husband doesn't want a funeral with a service etc. But he says it's ok to have a 'do'. I want a service with a vicar and hymns.

I have Stage 4 cancer and want a direct cremation. Please respect your Dad’s wishes.

Have a direct cremation with no fuss like your DF wanted.
You can still have a gathering/wake/celebration of life - that’s the more meaningful aspect of a funeral if you aren’t religious.

My DF died without any warning and it was very difficult, we had no chance to say goodbye. A celebration of life is helpful in processing the grief.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

Sorry to read this OP, it’s difficult to know what is for the best. In your shoes, I’d opt for direct cremation, but plan to scatter his ashes and have a memorial service. Some kind of service, whatever you call it, can help the grieving process, provide comfort and create an opportunity to share good memories.