No funeral

[RedorBlack]

Hello all DDad died last week. It was quite sudden, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and we were told 6 months. He died less than 2 weeks later. We are reeling with the shock and trying to get our heads around it.

my dad decided before he dies that he did not want a funeral, just to be cremated. I am really struggling with this about feels so incomplete somehow. DS (9) asked me about the funeral and I told him we weren’t having one, he asked where do we go to be sad together.

anyone been through similar and have any suggestions for how to manage the emotions of this?

Exactly! There are lots of advantages to a Direct Cremation, and as you say, you can still have a celebration and a get-together with all the people who were close to the deceased, and not have hangers on turning up from 20 years in the past, pretending they care the person is dead. I have seen this happen quite a number of times. Several people in my street have died this past 3 years, (people I have lived close to for 13-14 years,) and some people were at the funeral who I had never seen in my life. People close to the deceased either didn't know them either, or they said they were last seen in 2001! What on earth were they doing there?

I am sorry the OP is upset, but her dad had every right to want a Direct Cremation, and it would be disrespectful to over-rule his wishes and have a funeral.. I do think he should have told people before he died, but maybe he didn't have time, (and had other things on his mind) seeing as he died so quickly.

I have arranged a direct cremation but do hope that my family arrange to meet up to talk about me, play my music and laugh a bit.

@OriginalPedant It is disrespecting the living to not think of them though. It’s about them as well.

There should be a conversation about arrangements but lots of people don’t find it easy. I’d just have a celebration of life a month after the cremation so it’s distinct from a non funeral. I’ve been to a couple of these. Who’s going to organise the cremation? No-one? That’s not really possible.

While I totally respect the individual’s decision re a Direct Cremation… I was actually at the crematorium choosing a plot to place my dad’s ashes in recently and a direct cremation arrived.
It struck me as incredibly sad that they were so alone. It wouldn’t be my choice, but then I guess everyone is different…

i have had several older family members do this and we have had celebrations of lives where we all had a meal, drinks and reminisced about lovely time - young children were there as it was a grandparent and will be a lovely day for them to remember

I would organise a private cremation that only you and immediate nuclear family attend, no fuss or ceremony, and then on another date organise a memorial gathering of friends and family to remember them - not a funeral or service, just getting people together in the same room to enjoy memories. That’s not breaking his wishes; it’s something for those left living, rather than to mark his end.

It is completely selfish to make people who remain feel guilty about wanting to have a funeral because it will help them.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to go against those wishes when following them only hurts the living.

I found arranging my late husbands funeral quite cathartic and an important part of my grieving process. Everyone deals with things differently. But then he died suddenly, and quite young. Not having something to focus on in that first couple of weeks while we waited for the post mortem results would have been soul destroying.

He was relatively young, and while we obviously had wills we hadn’t ever really talked about the sort of funeral either of us wanted. I, and his parents, suspected that as a (very lapsed) catholic he’d probably have had a preference to be buried. But they knew him a lifetime and I’d known him for knocking on 30 years, so we also knew that if he’d been in our position he’d have done what he wanted, and I say that with love and respect. So, I organised a cremation, and a hundred or so of his, my, our friends and family turned out. I’m at peace with the fact that he’d have liked his funeral, if that makes sense, even though it probably wasn’t what he’d have articulated, if he’d had the time to say. Organising it was the last thing I could do for him, and I know he’d love and respect me for that. It was ultimately a celebration of his life, and much champagne was drunk. Judge away :)

Just have a wake?

It depends what’s meant by a funeral. One relative of mine wants no service at the crematorium but does want some sort of service when the ashes are interred. You could also / instead of have a memorial service.

There's nothing to stop you having a funeral if you want one. Sadly your dad has gone so no longer has input into how you and your family grieve.

I personally like the idea of direct cremation. You can still have a memorial gathering, scattering of ashes, etc at a later date.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

That’s completely different. You’d not discussed your funeral choices. If he’d emphatically told you his wishes and they included ‘no funeral’ it would be dismissive and disrespectful to do something you chose because it made you feel better.

Is there somewhere he liked to go? You could take your son there to scatter his ashes?

It may be that your DF didn’t want the formal funeral part at the crematorium. But a less formal gathering of people close to him would be fine. Your DF may have felt that having to organise both within just a few weeks of him passing puts a lot of stress on his family.

My DF died last year and organising a big funeral and wake with eulogies, programmes, pictures, music, flowers, food and drink took its toll on us all. The crematorium was full to bursting. I was relieved when it was all over but I would have appreciated a less pressing deadline to organise a simple memorial event once the legal practicalities had been dealt with.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I would find this very difficult indeed. A relative is in a hospice at the moment and has said that he does not want a funeral. He is not a close relative so I feel that’s none of my business as to what he chooses.

I do feel that honouring the wishes of the dying/dead is important.

But on the other hand, if one of my parents had said this (or if my DH made this request) I would really struggle with it. I find funerals quite important and healing (when they’re done well). I also don’t know if it’s fair to stipulate how others grieve when you won’t be there to see/hear it.

When my time comes, I will tell my nearest and dearest the choice is entirely theirs as to how to close my chapter. (Though please don’t bury me or put my ashes in the sea!)

My neighbour had a direct funeral because according to her daughter she always said she hated funerals and didn't think she'd bother going to hers, but they still had a "send off" for her, in the garden she created and loved.

My mum died suddenly. No illness and was only 66. She had only returned to uk 6 months previously and had lots of friends in France and Scotland. No ties really in the city she died.

few days later we were trying to decide where to have the funeral. My dad said she wanted a direct cremation. Initially we were sad. But actually felt ok as it took the headache of arranging a funeral and entertaining.

we didn’t anything after. I am at peace with it. My dad wants the same. He has asked that we have a memorial with both their ashes.

my Mum always said she didn’t want anything. Once she is dead she is gone and life moves on.

I think you’ve missed the point. Even if he’d expressed a wish to be buried, it wasn’t going to be practical. So we’d have ignored that wish. And, I know that if the boot had been on the other foot he’d have done the same. Because funerals aren’t for the dead, they are for the living. There dead will never know. There’s a reason that every culture for millennia has had some form of funeral ritual in some way, shape or form, from the small and insignificant to the grand funeral pyres. It’s an important part of grieving and moving forward for many.

It’s not your dad’s funeral though, it’s for the mourners. A funeral is for the people who are still alive to honor, remember and pay respects to the family of the deceased. The whole funeral planning industry has a lot to answer for. It’s not for us to plan our funerals and dictate what other people do. It’s for the living to make those decisions.

It’s the ultimate disrespect to the dead person to go against their wishes

100% this. I am gobsmacked that anyone would do it to be honest. I have never known anyone in real life do this, go against the deceased person's wishes and have a funeral - when they specifically said no to one.. No-one I know would do that.

As you say, it is the polar opposite of selfish to have a Direct Cremation (and no funeral) as you are saving your family a lot of trouble and hassle and expense..

.

I think you can give yourself permission to organize a gathering
Scatter ashes
Have a structured event with speeches songs eulogy whatever.
Share photos
You just wont do it around a coffin

Sorry for your loss op.
I’m having a direct cremation too…I hate funerals. My adult kids were a bit miffed when I first told them, however I’ve asked them to have a big knees up together drinking my favourite Sauvignon blanc in my memory and my ashes will be scattered with my parents at their memorial tree.

To those pre-paying direct cremations, please don’t use those companies that advertise on TV. Your local funeral director will do it for far less, and your body won’t be transported miles away to a warehouse to wait for cremation in a centralised crematorium.

Local funeral directors don’t advertise it as a service because it doesn’t make them much money, but they can all do it.

I'm always gobsmacked by anyone who thinks it's OK to decide for others how they should mourn and make them feel guilty if they want to go down a different route for themselves.

The living have wishes too and they are the ones who should be respected because they are the ones carrying on. I don't have any of the arrogance it takes to inform people they aren't allowed to have a funeral for me if that's what they want and that's what makes them feel better. Ditto if they don't want to.

We did. My mum left quite detailed plans that were hurtful and difficult for some family members so we didn’t do what she asked for. We did what worked for us and everyone breathed a sigh a relief and she hasn’t complained.