No funeral

[RedorBlack]

Hello all DDad died last week. It was quite sudden, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and we were told 6 months. He died less than 2 weeks later. We are reeling with the shock and trying to get our heads around it.

my dad decided before he dies that he did not want a funeral, just to be cremated. I am really struggling with this about feels so incomplete somehow. DS (9) asked me about the funeral and I told him we weren’t having one, he asked where do we go to be sad together.

anyone been through similar and have any suggestions for how to manage the emotions of this?

I'm sorry you lost your dad so suddenly @RedorBlack and this must feel like an extra bit of a kicking, him choosing a Direct Cremation.

I am having one too, and so is DH, and our 2 adult DC know this. They are fine with this, and say they find the thought of going to our funerals unbearable anyway, and will welcome not having to go.

I see no reason to have a funeral personally. One of the main reasons is that I don't want people turning up who barely knew me, and have had nothing to do with me this century, with their faux grieving and sadness. They didn't care about me when I was alive, why bother now I am dead? I HATE it when dozens of people who had nothing to do with the deceased turn up to their funeral. I would not want anyone there who I hadn't heard from/hadn't spoke to in the last 10 years or more. This is one of the main reasons that I am having a direct cremation. No-one in my life (my friends and family and loved ones) needs me to have a funeral. And DH is going to do the same. Direct Cremation.

Plus, a Direct Cremation is much cheaper and much less fuss and hassle than a funeral, and no-one has to worry about the stress and hassle of arranging and paying for my funeral when I die. It will be all sorted. Everyone close to me knows that I am having one. (And DH too. Everyone knows he is.)

I'm sorry you were shocked at your dad not having a funeral though. He should have discussed it with people really.

My good friend lost her brother in March, very suddenly after a car accident. He was only 53. Has 2 children in their early 20s. My friend and the 2 children (her niece and nephew) said they would have given anything to have not had to go to his funeral, and it was so traumatising and upsetting for them. His wife insisted he had a funeral though.

Everyone is different. I know that there is nothing I can do when I'm dead, but it makes me feel very angry and upset and disappointed at the thought of someone deciding to over-rule and disrespect my wishes and have a funeral for me. I do NOT want one.

As has been said, please respect your dad's wishes @RedorBlack

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Depending on where you live, we have a local funeral director in my town with a ‘proper’ chapel to pay respects, get a celebrant if that’s required, and they arrange a ‘direct cremation’ post that happening which wouldn’t include a hearse etc. Perhaps that could be something worth looking into that respects your DDads wishes for the most part, whilst also enabling others to say goodbye?

It is definitely a tough one and grief is a very personal thing to everyone.

Sorry for your loss 💐

I think people who dictate their funeral are being selfish. It’s not about you. You’re dead so why do you care. Let your family grieve how they want. If they want a direct cremation they can do that. If they’d rather have a funeral their choice.

In a similar situation, we respected the deceased's wishes despite how hard and raw it felt at the time. Now, I'm very glad we did as they requested.

Condolences, following the replies with interest. DW is adamant she just wants a direct cremation, no service etc but I’m not sure she fully understands that people need to grieve and a funeral is often part of that process. My aunt died about ten years ago, didn’t have a direct cremation but did have a funeral where the hearse just took her coffin to the crematorium and her son gave a brief speech, no flowers , no nothing, my cousin commented that he didn’t think she would have anticipated just how many people actually came along

My husbands nan had this last year. It was a strange feeling but we decided to go on a lovely walk up to waterfall, we set off early so we could be there at the time we knew she was being cremated. Although I know with direct crematoriums you usually don’t know the time, it was because a family friend worked for the funeral directors she was able to find out for us.
I had some lovely cards printed out with her photo, name and dates of birth to death on. I also had a lovely poem written on the back and gave them to the family members, so almost like you would have the funeral cards to keep as a memory. We then went for a nice meal and drink afterwards.
When her ashes were back we all went away to a cottage for the weekend and scattered her ashes up a mountain where her husband and dogs had been scattered previously. It was really emotional but so personal to her. She didn’t want the “grief tourists!” as she put it turning up for a funeral when they hadn’t bothered with her during the whole time she was suffering from cancer treatment and I totally respected her for that! So sorry for your loss x

My dad paid for a direct cremation but did say that we could do what we liked, really, because he wouldn’t know about it. What he really didn’t want was to cause us a fuss, and he didn’t want a religious ceremony.

We thought that would be fine, but when it came to it we really, really needed the ceremony to be with all the people who loved him and have the closure of seeing his coffin.

So we had a very small funeral with no celebrant, just music, and some words from immediate family. It was lovely, and I have no regrets.

The method of dealing with the body is for the person who has died to have decided, but funerals are for the living.

Tbh funerals are for those who are left behind.

I think you should go ahead and have a service at the crematorium so that you and your children can say goodbye n

Really sorry about your dad. My dad died in March, he had said he didn't care what we did, that we should do what we felt was best for us. The issue was that mum didn't want a funeral, but me and my brother felt we needed something. In the end our fantastic local funeral director arranged a direct cremation, but said that my brother and I could go to their premises to see dad off. When we got there on the agreed date dad was in a simple coffin in the hearse, we laid some spring flowers on the casket and I put my hand on the brass plate and said goodbye. Then we stood on the corner and watched as they drove him out and off to the crematorium. It was really dignified and I think was a good compromise.

We went from there to my mum and dad's favourite pub where my mum was waiting with some of their local friends. We had a buffet and raised a glass to my dad. Mum took some old photos of when they first met For everyone to look at. It turned out to be absolutely the right thing for us.

I hope as a family you can find something that gives you all what you need. Take care.

Everyone is different. I know that there is nothing I can do when I'm dead, but it makes me feel very angry and upset and disappointed at the thought of someone deciding to over-rule and disrespect my wishes and have a funeral for me. I do NOT want one.
I cannot understand this at all. Dictating how you feel about something that you can have no feelings about when it happens to the potential detriment of those who would feel better having had the ceremony that helps them, the living, to carry on. I see no reason to respect the wishes of someone who is not there to be upset and has, in my mind, completely selfishly tried to control events after their death.

Exactly. I think it is very disrespectful to the person who has died to just do what you want, and go against their dying wishes. I couldn't live with my conscience if I did this. I don't understand why anyone would do this.

When my Dad died, my sister was a nightmare (we don't get on at all). She wanted a funeral for the extended family (that Dad hadn't seen for years) to attend, but Dad died penniless and I made it very clear to her that if she wanted a £4k funeral for him, she was paying for it. Thankfully she didn't have the money either so we did a direct cremation. We then had his ashes interred in my local churchyard, and had a small service for that with immediate family only. It was on a sunny summers day, the Vicar did a few readings and my eldest DD also found a lovely poem. We came back to my house after, and cracked open some of Dad's favourite wine and ate cheese/biscuits which was his favourite snack. It really was a perfect way to say goodbye to him.

I think direct cremations are a positive. Echoing everyone else that you can still have some sort of gathering to toast your Dad and celebrate his life.

My brother and I had very different ideas about what to do for our mother, even down to what the celebrant should say. He was adamant that we should cater for about forty for the wake and in the end there were about eight people. It was depressing looking at a table full of food spread out with hardly anyone eating and a handful of people in a mostly empty room.

You don't have to understand it at all.... My wishes after my death are nothing to do with you. And I don't have to explain myself to you. As I said, my 2 DC and my DH are more than happy with my choice to have a Direct Cremation. (And DH is having one too.)

Wanting a Direct Cremation is someone 'selfishly controlling things after their death?'

What a ludicrous statement. 🙄

I would never EVER go against someone's dying wishes for what they wanted after their death, now THAT is selfish IMO. 'I don't care what THEY wanted, and what their dying wishes were.... I will do what I want...'

Really?!

(Sounds like you're projecting to me.)

/

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This seems to be a new recurring theme where I live. The families have a gathering later on to celebrate the life. I quite like it and will probably do it for my own funeral. I’m so sorry you have lost your Ddad, OP-you can always choose to have some kind of celebration of his life at a later date. X

Not having a funeral doesn’t mean you can’t have gathering. Might be nicer to have a gathering in a place you like or is meaningful to the deceased. Have a gathering when scattering ashes

My brother had a direct cremation and none of us siblings knew about this plan until the day he died, when his wife announced that is what would happen. It was horrible, we all live spread out around the Country, we needed a funeral to get together, face his death by seeing the coffin, and mourn together. Two years down the line we all still feel blindsided by it all, and like there is “unfinished business”. It’s made the grief harder.

My DM has decided that she wants a direct cremation with no funeral. Us siblings are then to take her ashes, together with dad’s who died a few years ago, and scatter them somewhere that means a lot to us as a family. Apparently she has left us some money to go out and have a meal and drinks at her favourite restaurant as well.

I'm going to a celebration of life of someone I know that had a direct cremation in a couple of weeks. Both DH and I want direct cremation for ourselves. My parents had DCs also

I don't think it's ludicrous at all. I can't imagine telling my family they aren't allowed to have a funeral at all any more than I can imagine demanding they put on a full requiem mass and cater for hundreds. Neither option, or anywhere in between is reasonable for me to dictate.

Dh and I are having direct cremation and have discussed it with adult dc who are on board. Dd was traumatised by her sibling's funeral .
They are welcome to have a celebration of life and lots of cremant.

My neighbour had arranged her funeral many years ago.

She had a direct cremation & a memorial service

It’s the ultimate disrespect to the dead person to go against their wishes. I can’t believe anyone thinks it’s ok. And it’s the polar opposite of selfish to elect to have no funeral.

A wake to celebrate his life?

My friend only wanted a direct cremation so I get the feeling weird bit.

As for your 9 yo. Was there somewhere he liked to go with your dad? A particular park, museum or the like? I would frame it as we dont need to be sad. But we can go to X place to remember grandad.