No funeral

[RedorBlack]

Hello all DDad died last week. It was quite sudden, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and we were told 6 months. He died less than 2 weeks later. We are reeling with the shock and trying to get our heads around it.

my dad decided before he dies that he did not want a funeral, just to be cremated. I am really struggling with this about feels so incomplete somehow. DS (9) asked me about the funeral and I told him we weren’t having one, he asked where do we go to be sad together.

anyone been through similar and have any suggestions for how to manage the emotions of this?

A family friend did not have a funeral for her husband. They had him cremated and then had a day out scattering his ashes in all the places he loved. I thought it different but sweet and it was what he wanted.

I'm sorry that this must just be so hard for you. I think funerals are for the people we leave behind. You need to mark it somehow for yourself. I'm sure you will find a way

I’ve chosen a small local funeral directors who conducted my parents funerals. I’ve read about the horrors of being transported around the country 😢 beyond awful.

I really can't see the point in continuing to debate and argue on here about this subject, because some people are completely stuck in their ways and will not change their opinions. (Including me.) I will not be changing my opinions and views and my entire life values based on some random opinions on an internet forum from someone I don't even know, and will never meet. I literally care 0% about strangers opinions on MY life and the decisions I make in it.

I know I definitely will NOT change my mind on anything, and I am having a Direct Cremation, and so is my DH, and our DC are fine with it (more than happy actually...)

So I'm out.

All the best @RedorBlack I am sorry you lost your dad, and I hope you can make peace with his choice to have a Direct Cremation. It was what he wanted, that's all you need to remember. Don't go against his wishes based on a few internet posts trying to guilt trip you into doing so.

As I said, I'm out. Hiding the thread now.

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I agree it's pointless. I won't be changing my mind based on a few internet opinions either.

But I still think OP should do whatever is best for her and her son. And that is the only consideration. Nobody is trying to guilt trip her into anything. Quite the opposite. I think she should ignore any guilt tripping voices and give the biggest amount of thought to what works best for her and other close family, guilt-free.

but what’s the problem with them following your dead body? and I think you know how hard it is to get people together even if they love you? so you’re actually burdening those left behind with getting themselves together together to celebrate you in their own time- as you put it- when it could be taken care of nicely with a funeral with the support of your chosen celebrant. which you could pay ahead for? as others have said funerals are for those left behind and there’s a reasons societies have bereavement rituals; because they’re helpful

I’ve lost my husband, my dad, my mum, both in-laws, my godmother. If there was one silver lining to my husband’s very unexpected and tragic death, it’s that he didn’t plan his memorial either. I can pretty much guarantee he would have assumed that nobody would want to come to his funeral. He might easily have insisted on a direct cremation. But thank goodness, he didn’t and about 100 of us got to gather and cry and laugh and mourn. It meant everything to my son and I that we were surrounded by friends and family.

Think very carefully before you make these plans. You know not the day nor the hour.

My friend who is terminally ill has planned her funeral, music etc. Would it be okay to go against her wishes if you don’t like her plans, music choice

Yes. My FIL had ‘Come Fly with me’ by Sinatra at his funeral. Gorgeous, it was lovely. If he’d died in a plane crash, tbh we’d have left it out.

If having those readings etc was for some reason really too upsetting for the close family then yes, it would be OK. But highly unlikely. And not the same as telling people they aren't allowed to have a funeral at all when having one would be beneficial for them.

Why anyone thinks scattering ashes is a walk in the park, think again! A funeral is often easier! Scattering your ashes is all about control.

I vetoed one of DH's music choices. He wanted don't fear the reaper, and on having a proper look at the lyrics I decided it was about suicide, and I wasn't having that at his funeral.

I didn't think I wanted a funeral and planned something very simple to get it over and done with. My mum persuaded me to do it "properly" and I'm glad I did.

Yes, if the close family were hurt by the plans but as a PP said, that’s probably unlikely.

I totally understand how you feel. I had a friend who choose a direct cremation and then had a 'celebration of life' event sometime after and it felt very disconnected, but everyone totally respected their wishes.

We also had a similar situation in the family recently. Relative had a preference for a direct cremation but also left final arrangements to their spouse. My relative organised an 'informal cremation' with immediate family, so traditional hearse and coffin but no celebrant. The funeral director was brilliant and we as a family all said a few words had their favourite music and ultimately said goodbye. We then had a wake with friends, colleagues and extended family and it was perfect. I think the main thing for my relative was that they hated fuss and didn't want somebody talking about them who didn't know them, hence no celebrant or vicar. Would an informal cremation be an option? As you can tailor it to your relatives wishes.

@Zov It’s great that your DCs are happy with your wishes. That is such a key factor isn’t it? I’m not about to tell you that what you’ve chosen is wrong- that’s for you and your family to discuss and decide.

I’d have been deeply upset if my parents had asked me for direct cremation. I would have respected their wishes, but I believe it would have added to my grief.

Organising the funerals gave me a sense of purpose in the days and weeks after their deaths. A reason to get out of bed and a structure to my day. Keeping busy in the early days of bereavement can be really helpful for some of us. It meant a lot to me to be able to really think about the right way to send them off. Choosing music, flowers and readings that fitted them and their lives.

The funerals were an opportunity for everyone who knew, loved and respected my parents to gather and share stories. I learnt things about them I had never known in the 35 years I had them. People they had worked with 20 years prior came along to pay respects. Unlike an earlier poster, I didn’t find that disrespectful at all- quite the contrary. My parents both worked with and met an awful lot of people in their lives. It wouldn’t have been practical to be in regular contact with all of those people- hence there were people in attendance who hadn’t seen or spoken to my parents in a long time, but who nonetheless remembered them so fondly that they wanted to come and share in the day (some travelling significant distances to do so). They wanted to tell my brother and me how brilliant our parents were and how many lives they positively impacted- and that helped us SO much. The celebration of them, and to see all the lives they’d touched all in one room together, talking and laughing. I have wonderful memories of their funerals.

So I think families should discuss it together and hopefully most will
arrive at solutions which suit them all- both the person making the requests, and the people who will be left behind.

Sport for your loss, my uncle had a direct cremation so no funeral.
we decided to hire a function room in a pub, served food, donation box to cancer research or what ever charity you wish, food was served and we did a slide show of his life, his children read a poem and we had a wreath and photo on a table in the room.

losing a parent so suddenly is very hard, I had the same with my amazing mum, she died 12 days after her lunch cancer diagnosis, be gentle on yourself, whatever you decide

My family have very similar plans - they’re not having funerals in the traditional sense either and mine is written down and they know where to find it. I’m not forcing our ways on you, by the way. You should feel free to live your own life.

My uncle passed at the start of the year and we had a direct cremation for him. I also struggled with the idea of this, however, we interred his ashes following this as a gathering with just very close family, and then we had a lunch together. So although no funeral, I felt we had still marked his passing in some way, which was a comfort.

I am absolutely going to respect his wishes and never suggested otherwise. I’m just struggling to come to terms with the finality without ever having had a proper conversation with him, or even really the time to say goodbye

Recent BBC coverage about how some people struggle with grief when they weren’t able to mark a bereavement sufficiently https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cqlpyr97n3go
I found it very hard during the pandemic when I couldn’t go to a funeral of someone I was close to because only 10 people were allowed. It helped a year or so later when we had a memorial service and I was asked to share my memories of the person who’d died.

I think it’s good when whatever is done to mark a passing recognises that it might be more than just the nuclear family who are grieving. That there might well be other friends, family, neighbours and colleagues who want to come together to remember the good times, be grateful for the life of that person and how they lived it, and comfort each other in the pain of missing them. People have done this for millennia, to me it seems that there is something deeply human about it.

I worry about some of the advertising of direct cremations as they almost suggest that erasing the funeral erases the grief. I think people are allowed to be sad and miss someone; my experience of funerals is that they are full of mixed emotions and cathartic but I understand others might mark a passing in other helpful ways.

Have a celebration of his life in a village hall or similar space, where people can share their memories of him.

Just caught up on this thread. Thanks to all for the supportive replies.

For those who jumped straight to judgement - to be utterly clear I have not for a minute considered overruling what he wanted. I just wished he had talked to me. The last conversation we had he had planned a full funeral including hymns and readings. I have the plans with his will so it was quite the shock

i just wanted advice on how to cope with this, considering it has only been a few days. I didn’t realise people would jump to their own conclusions and make me out to be a terrible person who will do what I want and to hell with dad’s wishes.

I was just hoping for a little understanding because right now the grief is overwhelming

We had a direct cremation for my mum. My dad and me attended. I preferred this as did not want to make “small talk” with family not seen for years and people I didn’t know

Please don’t allow the negative comments to take up any mind space. It’s very easy to judge others when you aren’t in their position or don’t have any understanding of it.
When my DDad died, we had a very elaborate funeral, planned by my DM. It was her way of commemorating his loss.
When my DM was approaching her death, she decided that she didn’t want us to ‘have a party’ as she put it, or any kind of service - she wanted a direct cremation.
Her wishes were respected and her ashes were laid to rest with my DDad’s.
We did, however, spend some of the inheritance on having a small ‘family’ meal, with her children and some other people who had taken the time to see her in her last years.
It felt right, and appropriately ‘conservative’ given her wishes.
You will find your own way to do things - having a direct cremation is very common these days and much promoted as a way of relieving your family from the burden of worrying about a formal funeral. That doesn’t mean you can’t remember her in your own way, and I’m sure you will.
I’m very sorry for your loss.

My mum died last year and my dad 4 months ago. Both of them had a prepaid ‘direct cremation’.
It is a strange feeling for me. No traditional send off or goodbye.
I try and accept it by knowing it was what they wanted. They were both people who wanted ‘no fuss’. It was their choice. I have to respect their choice.
I did get the ashes and I scattered them at the churchyard where they got married. My brother and I also went for a meal and had a toast to them.
Sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss - what a shock. 💐

A direct cremation is freeing in so far as you can have your Dad’s ashes returned to you and you then have as much time as you need to decide what feels supportive of your feelings and honouring of your Dad’s wishes.

I would recommend speaking with a sympathetic celebrant. An experienced one will be very used to navigating these kinds of situations.