No funeral

[RedorBlack]

Hello all DDad died last week. It was quite sudden, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and we were told 6 months. He died less than 2 weeks later. We are reeling with the shock and trying to get our heads around it.

my dad decided before he dies that he did not want a funeral, just to be cremated. I am really struggling with this about feels so incomplete somehow. DS (9) asked me about the funeral and I told him we weren’t having one, he asked where do we go to be sad together.

anyone been through similar and have any suggestions for how to manage the emotions of this?

I’m so sorry - I looked back and saw you were talking about your father - my apologies, but the rest stands, @RedorBlack.

@RedorBlack

Oh bless you what an enormous shock. As you say its only been a few days, you had no time to come to terms with his illness, let alone his death, and then to not have the normal grieving rituals.
You must be reeling.
Personally I think you can honour your dads wishes and have some kind of celebration of his life, a chance to raise a toast and talk about your memories of him.
I also think its ok to be a bit angry right now. Angry at the suddeness of it all, angry at his loss. And yes angry with him for throwing you such a curve ball.
There's lots of things you could do - write him a letter and burn or bury it. Go and talk to him, or go somewhere and scream your head off, howl at the moon. Anything to give those feelings somewhere to go.
Im thinking about this for me right now as I have cancer and not sure what my prognosis is yet. I'm fairly sure I want my ashes chucked half off the Mersey ferry and the other half off the Isle of Wight ferry and for everyone to go to and have fish and chips on the beach. So not quite traditional and to be honest Im not really sure why.
For whatever reason your dad decided he didnt want traditional either. That doesnt mean you cant find a way to honour and remember him.
Please remember there is no timeline or 'right way' to grieve. Its so very raw at the moment, over time your feelings will change, there may be times many months down the line where the rawness will return.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel.💐

@RedorBlack I am so sorry for your loss.

Could you have a gathering that incorporates some of his previous wishes.

I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. Losing a parent is one of the toughest things I have ever been through so I’m sending you all of my love. I don’t think there is a right and wrong here. For my Dad, he had planned his funeral and so we had one. He didn’t have many friends so it was a small event and then we had some drinks at a social club. What I found hard was that it took 4 weeks from his death for the funeral and I was just getting a little bit better and then the funeral felt like a bit of a smack in the face again but I get it. It’s a rite of passage.
when my friends Dad died, they didn’t have a funeral they had a private cremation and then a few weeks later a massive gathering in his favourite pub with a slide show of pics & lots of fun memories. It was lovely.
either way is fine, you will find your own way to commemorate your lovely Dad. Just take some time and look after yourself & each other

Sorry to hear about your dad.

My gran died last year and didn’t want a funeral. Just straight to cremation.

The funeral home had a small room where you could have a quick private funeral which is what we all decided to do.

My granddad didn't want a funeral. He stipulated that he wanted me to go to Edinburgh in his memory as he loved Scotland. It really helped. My grandma wanted a traditional funeral and i can honestly say that it made me feel a lot worse.

Dh and I have just paid for direct cremation with the co op, our children know. We’ve told them they are allowed to change it as co op refund and resell the new funeral. However they have all said they like the idea of a ceremony with the ashes as a recent relative had, a short blessing from the vicar and a “ traditional “ internship of the ashes then out for a meal

My Mum didn't have a funeral and I found it quite hard, she was too unwell to decide really and just went with what my father wanted. I still hate the fact that she was alone when she was cremated even though I know that's silly as she was dead.

I think would have gained a lot of support from people at the funeral and instead I was left alone with my grief. I had to respect my father's wishes though. When it's my time I will let my children decide I think as it will effect them more than me, from my experience.

My dad also died suddenly from cancer. He also did not want a funeral. We did a direct cremation and had a celebration of life at a nice venue. We hung up loads of pictures of him and there were a few speeches.

Some were definitely pissed off that there was no funeral, which I was angry about because it was his wishes, and the wishes of his wife and children.

Everyone is alone when they’re cremated though. The actual cremation doesn’t take place as soon as the service ends, it could be hours or a day or 2 later.

Of course you have a view, which is fine, but my view is that the person is dead, and so they can't be "alone" because they no longer exist. You also can't "say goodbye" to someone who isn't there.

Direct cremation all the way for me, I think they are a brilliant idea. Legal, and fuss- free. That's all that's needed (assuming the deceased has no religious faith). I also don't want anyone to have a "gathering" for me either..... I want them to crack on with their lives, and forget me as quickly as possible.
Another factor these days is that funerals take place such a long time after death.... 7 weeks in one recent case, and it just hangs over the family unbearably. At least with a DC, the family know they won't be there, so they can just forget about it.

Yes I know they are alone technically that's why I said I knew I was being silly about that part.

Plan a scatter the ashes event