If you’re grieving, share something you don’t feel able to say out loud

[Tinywedding]

I’ll go first. I haven’t said these things to anyone as I’m worried they make me a monster.

For context, my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness (that has a 100% fatality rate whatever stage it’s diagnosed) when I was in my 20s and passed relatively recently.

I really want them to find a cure for his illness so no one ever needs to go through this. But I don’t want them to find a cure too quickly. That would absolutely destroy me if they discovered a miracle cure that he only just missed. Tbh even a recent drug advancement has made me really upset and envious. And then I feel so guilty because I know there are families that desperately need a cure right now.

When it was clear he was dying, I was always hopeful that there would be some miracle that saved him. But caring for him for over a year day and night and his decline took such a toll on me that in the last month of his life I remember thinking ‘oh my god, if he was miraculously cured he does still have to die at some point. Then I’d have to do this again 10-20 years down the line. And I don’t have it in me.’

Maybe no one will respond to this thread but I just had to get these thoughts off my chest. Thank you for reading.

I don't want to revisit it because it was in 2008 but my God, my rage was off the scale. Really, really difficult time and it took me several years and a lot of hurt to get over. I'm sorry for your loss OP x

Sorry, forgot to say it was my DF's death. We had a dysfunctional relationship to say the least

The obscene grotesque unfairness of life and the hand you're dealt compared with the hand others are dealt. We have had one monumentally unclimbable obstacle after another put in our way, whilst others glide past in a haze of intact innocence at the cruelty of life.
Such magnificent imagery of your battle for survival @BigBlackPuppyDog "We crawled from that wreckage."
and
I hear you @OpalSpirit "I feel like I am dying from my own rage at what they have been dealt and desperation at not being able to lift their pain"

Thank you for your kind words!

Looking back, it certainly felt that we ‘crawled from the wreckage’ at the time. I’ve often likened it to someone opening the kitchen door into our safe cosy home and lobbing a grenade in, then running off, leaving me and DS literally surrounded in the dust & rubble of our once-lovely lives.
I don’t think the rage and bitterness of the unfairness of it all, ever really leaves you. I find myself swallowing my urge to say something “outrageous” aka “the truth” at some idiotic comments I hear. I have been particularly sad and teary this week as it would have been our 41st wedding anniversary over the weekend. My insomnia is severe in sympathy. It will pass, it always does. The cause of it will always be with me.
I’ll brush the dust and rubble off and carry on.
🌺

@OpalSpirit

yes… I hear you also 🌺

@BigBlackPuppyDog what a searing testament to the great love you, your husband, and son had together, and you and your son continue to have now. An unbreakable bond that burns as brightly today as it did 25 years ago. Truly remarkable.
Thank you @Tinywedding for initiating a conversation that most people run away from. Those of us who find ourselves in a living nightmare brought by the throw of a dice in a game called 'Life' are often encouraged to hide our true feelings for the comfort of those who sail through life without a care in the world (and I know they exist because I am related to them). To hear these voices here on this thread, in the darkness I find myself in, has helped me understand I am not alone in raging against the universe.

I've just picked up your post @Ohchocichocolate. How bloody awful. It's so rude, so irrelevant. I've never been asked am I over my loss - possibly my death-ray stare after 43 years of teaching.
I think even when the bereaved re-marry they are not "over" their dead spouse, they still love them and now love someone else, too.

I feel.angry and jealous at older couples and just people in general. Why do they get to be happy , irs not fair . I also cant stand it when colleagues in work moan.about trivial stuff I want to shout at then saying stop it just be happy, at least you are not going through hell like me . Im fed up at pretending to be ok when all I want to say is that Im struggling. N

I bit my tongue today and wish that I hadn't.

Was cutting my front hedge - it's quite a tall one. A middle-aged couple walked past. The man said - in what he seemed to think was a jokey way - "Doing the man's job, eh?"

It's been 5 yrs since my husband died (13 yrs since he had his stroke) and really wanted to tell the bloke not to be so effing unaware.

Thank you so much to the OP and for everyone that has shared on here, I’ve found this thread so comforting to read. I feel the rage every day at stupid things people say but tonight I just wanted to share some poignant things I can’t say out loud because it just feels too personal and raw.

My mum now says I love you at the end of every phone call since my sister passed away. Often we both get choked up. Even worse is when I’m going on holiday. I cant give her a hug and say goodbye without crying. Not sure why exactly.

And today my brother rang me because he’d heard on the radio it was national siblings day. He is not someone who pays much attention to birthdays or anything like that and he said I just thought I’d better give you a ring. It just really got me, even though it was a very small thing.

And it’s my sons birthday party tomorrow and I always feel immensely sad when I’m having a party for one of my kids because my sister would’ve been here, mucking in, making the teas and fussing about and driving me mad asking me what I wanted her to help with and I just can’t barely believe that she’s gone and won’t ever be at the party again (in more ways than one 💔)

My dad died just before he was about to retire and I hate hearing stories of friends’ parents’ happy retirements. Not least because it also makes me feel so bleuuuurgh for my mum. All her friends going travelling with their husbands etc. There are a lot of things I have felt over the years! Great thread idea. I found counselling so helpful for a judgement free zone to get angry in when mine was at its rawest (I was also in my 20s so felt very isolated)

It has been 10 years and I miss DH every day. I say goodnight to him. I visit his grave and talk to him. He's still part of my life. So grateful I had those years. What is the saying: better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And grief is love with nowhere to go.

Immediately after my dad died a couple of friends told me I wouldn’t want to talk about it. So I have never said anything, they didn’t come to his funeral, never ask how I am and no longer include me in many plans. In the year since he died I’ve come to realise I really don’t care and now I keep them at arms length. It was hurtful at the time now it feels quite liberating. They didn’t consider me and now I don’t consider them.

Why, why, why did you go into that boxing ring? It breaks my heart. He was like a lamb to the slaughter 😞

My mum died at the beginning of March, we have got probate all sorted & yesterday I got the first payment of my inheritance, it's more money than I have ever had in my life but I would happily give up every penny to have my mum & dad back again. I keep on looking at my bank balance & feel sick that their lives now amount to numbers on a bank balance, it is everything they & my Grandparents worked so hard for.

I’m not ‘over it’. It’s only 9 months in and my insomnia is getting worse. But very few people want to hear that any more. I just have to bury it deep. Sorry - bad day.

I've said this on another thread: when my husband died 5 yrs ago, a relative told me that grief is like a burden that never goes completely, but it gradually becomes lighter with time.

There are some days when I think that I'm back to normal, but then something will pull me up short.

I'm currently using sleeping tablets - Zoplicone. I'm older and find that I don't need the full dose, just half a 3.75 mg tablet. I was off them for a while, but I've had a few issues to deal with lately and I have my dad's anniversary and DH's birthday coming up this week and them my own birthday in a fortnight or so. I'm an only child with no children of my own, so I'm not going to be getting any birthday interaction with others.

I've been going to the gym to try to get fitter so that I can survive on my own and the gym endorphins actually do help. Yesterday started out as a a good day, but the silly hedge cutting business that I mentioned a few posts ago hit me like a punch in the gut.

I finished up going to bed late again and then oversleeping. I'm going to try to force myself to go outside and cut a bit more of the hedge.

I find myself having great difficulty leaving the house most days, though I manage okay once I'm actually out.

I lost my very young daughter last Spring. She was our only child (to date). I myself have had quite serious health conditions since my teens, including organ transplantation. My brother has a whole brood, every single one as fit as an ox. But our daughter, was not as fit as an ox. She had a serious health condition. (One completely unrelated to my (non-hereditary) ones).

I love my brother and his children, and I'm happy for him and his very successful life. But I'm jealous of his many, many healthy children.

And I'm angry at the universe/God. Were my virtually lifelong health problems not enough tribute for you, that you had to plague and then take my daughter too?

I'm so sorry about your daughter 😢💚

I feel bitter with people who have both parents, having lost both of mine. Particularly with people who haven’t shown me one ounce of compassion/consideration. Like a pp, I just think that their time will come.

I haven't lost someone close besides gps, my father died but I never had a relationship with him so I didn't feel any grief which is strange in itself. I probably would have felt more sorrow had a neighbour died. But I feel really angry when I see that a child or innocent person has been murdered (seems like a daily occurrence now) and the neighbourhood (convicted) paedophile is still going strong in his 80s, walking about like he owns the place. My mind asks if someone can please do us all a favour and run him over. But that would make him a martyr. I choose to believe that he will meet the devil in death.

My mum died in October. She died hating me and I spent my life disappointing her. I’m angry that I will forever be that disappointment, and that everyone took her side.

@daffodilandtulip I'm sorry for what you are going through, I hope you can find peace eventually xx

You should have replied something along the lines of "Got to, my husband's dead."

Some people deserve to be made uncomfortable. I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

I should have done.