If you’re grieving, share something you don’t feel able to say out loud

[Tinywedding]

I’ll go first. I haven’t said these things to anyone as I’m worried they make me a monster.

For context, my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness (that has a 100% fatality rate whatever stage it’s diagnosed) when I was in my 20s and passed relatively recently.

I really want them to find a cure for his illness so no one ever needs to go through this. But I don’t want them to find a cure too quickly. That would absolutely destroy me if they discovered a miracle cure that he only just missed. Tbh even a recent drug advancement has made me really upset and envious. And then I feel so guilty because I know there are families that desperately need a cure right now.

When it was clear he was dying, I was always hopeful that there would be some miracle that saved him. But caring for him for over a year day and night and his decline took such a toll on me that in the last month of his life I remember thinking ‘oh my god, if he was miraculously cured he does still have to die at some point. Then I’d have to do this again 10-20 years down the line. And I don’t have it in me.’

Maybe no one will respond to this thread but I just had to get these thoughts off my chest. Thank you for reading.

@3493483092480gthis is so true. We have a family member in hospital at the moment and despite his wife and children repeatedly telling the nurses he wasn’t normally like this, they just didn’t seem to want to know. Turns out he’s had several strokes.

@WearyAuldWummanso sorry your mum was treated this way

Almost 5 weeks since DH passed away, and his sister has said to me how lucky I am that I had separate hobbies to DH - apparently this means that I will be able to pick them up again quickly and socialise.

I have no interest at all in any of the things that were once so important to me.

I'd give up all my hobby equipment and time to just have my old life back, with a fit and healthy DH.

He fully supported me in everything I did, and would ask about what I was doing, with no inclination to join in himself. And I did the same with regard to his interests.

What can't even immediate family understand that my world has irrevocably changed?

My dad died suddenly 9 weeks ago today. He brought me up, I was an only child, we had a great relationship and apart from him becoming grumpy towards the end of his life. I was the luckiest to have him and he was my best friend. The pain is so raw, it takes my breath away on a daily basis, I can’t look at pictures of him as it’s like a knife going into my stomach.

He was only 72, Covid did him in, he retired just before and without a wife with him he became insular, going down mad rabbit holes on YouTube about aliens or some part in history. The past year of his life he didn’t seem happy about anything, he wouldn’t ask me questions about my life or my children’s. I would offer information but it was always met with “oh but have you (insert worse case scenario)” about whatever I’d just told him. He he’d quickly move on to something I needed to watch. He also started drinking daily, not a lot but half a bottle of wine a night, maybe a two bottles of beer. He was becoming sicker in front of my eyes and I didn’t see it. He went into hospital for a scan on his liver as his bloods were off, i got a phone call in the middle of the night to say he was dying. I got there unable to take it in, not believing the doc who spoke to me, he was too young to be telling me this, I asked to sit with my dad and thought I’ll wait until the morning a senior to come to review him, I’ll get ICU to come, he died holding my hand about 40 mins later. The shock literally knocked me to my knees.

I’m so so angry with my dad for drinking, his cause of death was alcoholic liver disease, I’m embarrassed by his death certificate, he should of took more care of himself for me, I still needed him. His last few years I feel so guilty for not seeing his decline and intervening but I was getting divorced, moving, had two young children and I work. Rationally I know it wasnt my fault but like someone else said grief has shown me the very darkest corners of my mind and I am full of guilt, remorse and regret, it’s like a constant voice is always there telling me all the stuff I should of done.

I keep going over the fact I didn’t get to say goodbye, yes I was there at the end, but I mean to look into his eyes and say “goodbye, you’ve been an incredible dad and I’ll miss you every day” it’s the longest relationship I’ve had with the most memories and I didn’t get to say goodbye and thank him.

I wish I was religious and believed in all that stuff people are saying to me but he brought me up an atheist.

I buried him against his wishes because I couldn’t cope with the idea of burning him.

Mum. I am angry. I know you wouldn't have chosen to leave us but I'm so angry with the world that my daughter won't know you.

I’ve been caught off guard by how difficult I’m finding the World Cup. It feels like one of the most difficult ‘milestones’ since my dad died. And it’s only just started..

Anyone else feel the same?

Im genuinely worried my colleagues / friends / family members will be chatting about the World Cup and I’ll burst into tears and look insane.

I just don’t watch general on air now tv, catching DH’s favourite programs fill me with grief. He was Eastenders and anything murder mystery mad.

When MIL died last year I had the best nights sleep in about 7 years.

I was a nervous wreck with the phone ringing, in the beginning her phoning at all hours to demand some random thing or complaining about some imaginary person being in the house. Then it was her personal alarm people calling everytime the fire alarm went off or she randomly pressed the button as she kept forgetting what it was for, finally the care home staff once we finally got her moved called everytime she had a fall or medical issue.

I knew her as the lovely intelligent medical professional that she was right through to her final breath after living with dementia for around 10 years.

I was so relieved when she finally went after 5 long days of sitting at her bedside waiting for her to pop off. I came home and pretty much headed straight to bed for the best sleep ever.

Everytime I think of her I'm so glad that stage of my life is in the past.

Me too, my dad died unexpectedly a few weeks ago & he loved any kind of football 😢
I also wish people would stop asking how I am or how I'm getting on. I never know what to say so I find myself just avoiding responding. Its really grating me, I know it comes from a good place but I dont want to say I'm ok because I'm not and I'm not sure people want to hear how much I'm struggling because there isnt anything they can do to fix it!

I've been following this thread for a while, and just wanted to send some solidarity as what you say resonates so much x

In the last 6 years I've "lost" my Mum, my DP, my Dad, my MIL and my last close-ish Uncle, and sometimes it feels like the entire world is just a series of memories designed to rub my nose in the fact that they're not here to enjoy all the things that remind me of them. And the feeling of being under scrutiny and judged for being anything less than resilient, stoic and "grateful for the time you had with them" has made me very reclusive and selective about the company I keep. I was recently accused of being very bitter when I said something in an unguarded moment, and I hate to admit it, but I am bitter.

None of the deaths I've had to "tidy up after" were easy and all came with mind boggling complications that have left me with a deep distrust of all bar a close handful of people who get it, because they've walked similar paths.

If one more person tries to tell me to embrace my new "freedom" I think I'll go insane. I barely know my own name, never mind what to do with myself at 57 having lost my closest people and my business and all sense of security. I'm surviving, mainly out of spite it seems.

So OP, hugs x big, gentle, understanding hugs x your feelings are valid and important.

And the same to everyone going through their own grief however it looks - hugs x handholds x solidarity x

@Tinywedding absolutely!!

DH was Scottish, and was so excited at the prospect of watching Scotland in the World Cup.

He spent hours watching football - any match at all really - and I am dreading the next few weeks as I don't think I can keep it together.

@MistressoftheDarkSide I remember being absolutely horrified when my MIL was widowed less than 48 hours earlier and her other son (BIL) told her, well look on the bright side, you'll be able to watch what you want on the TV. Honestly could of punched the idiot as FIL was a sudden death that none of us were expecting, basically standing there one minute and gone the next in front of MIL. People really do say the stupidest of things when saying nothing would be preferable.

I totally identify with this @Tinywedding but about tennis. My sister loved tennis and herself had been a high standard player. She would have Wimbledon on TV 24/7 when it was on. I used to not mind it when she was alive because that tennis ball on grass courts noise is just such a summer sound.

Now I really can't bear it and have to change the channel. I do find it upsetting because it reminds me of her.

I also wish people would stop asking how I am or how I'm getting on. I never know what to say so I find myself just avoiding responding.

@Everglow You don't need to make other people feel better. It's fine to say to be honest I'm not ok because I'm still grieving but there is nothing to be done but press on or something like that. If you don't want people asking you and they are people you see regularly, it's fine too to add that you know they are asking because they care but that you aren't likely to be fine for a long time so it would be easier for you if they didn't ask directly. If you don't ask...

I thought I was relived of the guilt of not visiting but I realise I didn’t need to carry that so heavy as actually you never contacted me or visited me.