If you’re grieving, share something you don’t feel able to say out loud

[Tinywedding]

I’ll go first. I haven’t said these things to anyone as I’m worried they make me a monster.

For context, my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness (that has a 100% fatality rate whatever stage it’s diagnosed) when I was in my 20s and passed relatively recently.

I really want them to find a cure for his illness so no one ever needs to go through this. But I don’t want them to find a cure too quickly. That would absolutely destroy me if they discovered a miracle cure that he only just missed. Tbh even a recent drug advancement has made me really upset and envious. And then I feel so guilty because I know there are families that desperately need a cure right now.

When it was clear he was dying, I was always hopeful that there would be some miracle that saved him. But caring for him for over a year day and night and his decline took such a toll on me that in the last month of his life I remember thinking ‘oh my god, if he was miraculously cured he does still have to die at some point. Then I’d have to do this again 10-20 years down the line. And I don’t have it in me.’

Maybe no one will respond to this thread but I just had to get these thoughts off my chest. Thank you for reading.

And to caveat that, I know a lot of people say I can’t imagine your loss etc and I probably said something similar before I had experienced it for myself but there is a difference between people saying it with good intentions and those who you know are thinking that would never happen in my family. It can happen and it does happen.

When my brother died,.I wanted other people to lose siblings, so that I wouldn't feel so alone with it.

This is me too. But i think it’s Ok to tell people you are relieved - it’s very natural when they are suffering. My Dad died a week ago and the ‘line’ from my sister is that he died peacefully. But he didn’t and I want to tell people that, but can’t because we need my Mum to think it was peaceful (I was with him and saw the end, no other family members were there just then). So now people say ‘I’m so glad it was peaceful ‘ and I have to swallow hard because it wasn’t.

Sometimes I feel that I hate everyone apart from the deceased. When I feel this I really mean hate. Everyone from old friends over petty past wrongs, to a stranger in the street in front of me to the cleaner. It's a violent sense of bitter vicious hatred. No idea why. Maybe anger that these people are still alive. People would be shocked at how hate filled my thoughts are sometimes at tiny things like how a person in a shop is speaking or how they are dressed. I never used to be like this.

My dad died at 54. My mum was then killed in a car accident at 69 some years later, a head on collision with her new partner driving and at fault. He also killed a younger woman - a nurse, and was badly injured himself for a while. He got a suspended sentence. He never said sorry, never showed remorse. I not long after stopped responding to any emails or messages from him because I was so angry. He lives in another part of the country now and it will be ten years this year since the accident. I still ignore his messages although I’ve heard he’s depressed. I’m still so bitter. He’s even receiving my mums pension. I think it’s my way of making him pay, how horrible am I, he’s an old man.

You’re not horrible. His poor driving killed two women, one being your mum. What does he want from you- forgiveness? He’d need to show remorse for that.

I’m so sorry for your losses.

My DB died by suicide three years ago this weekend. I am beside myself right now, I just want to crawl out of my own skin. I want to scream. I have mentioned it to a few people I'm close enough to that his anniversary is coming up and that I'm finding it hard, they look blankly.

It's not true that you can just talk about it, open up, people either don't want to know or can't deal with the rawness of it. And I'm quite a closed person, so I don't lean on too many people. So when I talk, I need to.

Maybe it's because it's suicide but people don't talk to me about my darling brother, it's like he didn't exist. I want to talk about him, he mattered, his life mattered. His death shouldn't define him.

I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few days.

Do you want to tell us about your brother? @VanessaSanessa You don't have to of course if this doesn't feel like the right place.

Anniversaries can be brutal. I'm not sure if this helps or not, but in my experience other people tend to shut down about anniversaries regardless of how the person died - it's like they want you to package it all up in a box and never mention it again lest it makes them uncomfortable to think about death. I have been very angry in the past with people expecting me (or telling me off) for not acting like my mum never existed. Which I refuse to do. So I don't think it's just you and certainly not because of people defining your brother by his death.

Of course you want to talk about him and you should be able to.

I'm so sorry, @VanessaSanessa.

Some people seem to have this weird idea that you should be 'over' things after a year or so. They're wrong. There's no time limit.

Thank you both for your replies.

I've found this week so hard. My whole body is just in anxiety mode and I wouldn't suffer from it much. I just keep thinking of this time three years ago, how was he feeling, why didn't I call him, feeling so heartbroken that he felt the only way out was to violently end his life. I don't think I'll ever get over it.

For lots of reasons, I didn't get to see him and that hasn't helped to have any closure. The inquest helped a bit albeit very raw but suicide leave more questions than answers.

My DB was a beautiful soul. We had a lovely bond. He had a real dry sense of humour that I will forever miss. We had such a laugh together, at the most ridiculous things. I see situations now and imagine him in my ear, saying something really dry and me trying to contain my laughter. He was so non assuming, a gentle person. He never did anyone any harm nor wished harm on anyone. I miss that person. My brother. I'm so sorry sweet boy.

@VanessaSanessa Your brother sounds so lovely and your closeness comes across so clearly. I appreciate that it must be bittersweet to hear his humour in your head only, but at the same time it seems so special that you're still able to connect up with him through his sense of humour in situations now.

You've painted such a vivid and moving picture that I fear my words will sound trite or inadequate. I can hear your pain and your love for him.

I think our bodies remember when our person died more accurately than any calendar could. All the pain rises to a crescendo as we approach the date. Maybe that's our bodies preparing us to get through the day? Maybe it's part of how we continue to love them.

I really hope you are able to find ways to ride out the pain of the coming days and that it begins to subside enough for you to take comfort from the connection you still have through his dry sense of humour. Our relationship with someone doesn't end when they die. You can still carry him and your connection with you and stay close to him.

Do you have any plans for the coming days? Whether for self care or anything else. Sometimes making a plan can help, even if it's a plan to have a "normal" day or do something very small.

Sending you love and strength.

@VanessaSanessathank you for sharing the memories of your dear brother with us. Your closeness shines through in your beautiful words. Do you have any plans for the anniversary? We’ve just had the first anniversary and we went somewhere that was special to my sister. It wasn’t by any means a celebration but we felt like we were honouring her by going somewhere she enjoyed going to. I guess in a way in the sense like you talk about - that she mattered and she did exist, and she had a whole life that she lived before her life was cut short.

I’ve tried to be honest when people have asked me how I feel because I can’t keep pretending. I haven’t shared how I ‘truly’ feel but I’ve said yes it was a difficult day but it’s always there. I hope that the friends you have opened up to just feel awkward and don’t know what to say rather than a lack of interest. Don’t stop talking about him to protect other people from feeling uncomfortable though. Sometimes we do have to sit with uncomfortable feelings in life and as your friends, that’s what they are there for.

Thank you for your replies.

My DB's anniversary has passed and I feel I can breath better again. I find the lead up to his anniversary worse than the day itself. I think it's the nature of his death, the unanswered questions and not knowing for sure when he died as he wasn't found straight away. I have different days in my head for his actual death.

I kept myself busy but it was there all the time. I cuddled my children every time I saw them, I think they are sick of me now! Being in nature helped me. I spoke about DB to a few people who asked me some questions about him. It felt so nice to acknowledge him out loud.

I hope everyone here is doing ok today.

Married friends bickering in my company. I keep stopping them and remind them they are sooo lucky to have each other. I lost DH a year ago. It’s actively stopping me from popping in on them now, which they’ve noticed, but haven’t realised why.

I'm really glad you had the chance to speak out loud to people about your brother and that you feel able to breathe more easily.

Tonight was my aunt's Months Mind.🙏

It brought many memories, many tears and yet more love, gratitude and stories of mad, highly inappropriate stories, spanning decades and all of our parents.🙈🤯🤣😊

I sat on her wall, smoked a fag and thought : I wish she was here, she'd love it.❤️
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I lost my mum at the beginning of the month, I still haven't cried yet, I feel emotionally numb.

I am v sorry for your loss. x

I agree that when you have lost parents relatively young (for me, one in my late 20s and one in my late 30s) it can be jarring hearing people insensitively bang on about the time they all spend together as a family etc./ their own kids relationships with their parents.People who know my situation who will say "oh my mum collects kids from swimming and keeps them on a Thursday night" and "oh my Dad took them to the park on a Saturday and then we all went out to a cafe and then mum and dad babysat while we went out." I can only smile and nod but I do wonder what goes on in these people's heads and if they have ever considered it might be insensitve to someone who they know has no family around and goes through life without such support/interaction/ help.

Thank you op for this thread - and to pp for sharing, a lot really resonates. I feel fortunate to have memories of all my grandparents but my grandparents and my Mum all died when I was a young teenager, some of these losses were sudden, some prolonged, most were harrowing. And I really, deeply, understand the pain of poker facing your way through other people sharing their lives with their wonderful mothers and as mothers watching their children grow up.

Something I’ve never felt able to say is we would have been better off left with my Mum than with my Dad. Dad coped badly when Mum died and decided counselling wasn’t for him - or for us. Now he has died, I weep for the young girl who spent years seeking the love and approval he wasn’t able to give.

I have now lost both my parents, my mum nearly 12 months ago. While I miss them both dearly and they were lovely parents, what I have also found unexpectedly, as an only child as well, is that there is a kind of freedom about it. No expectations but my own, no-one to please but myself. And I have my own family and DH but it's not the same as parental expectations. As I say, they were not overbearing or controlling parents at all and I didn't expect to feel this.

A very good thread, @Tinywedding

My DH died suddenly and unexpectedly nearly 10 years ago.

Individuals, not people at large:

My boyfriend has split up with me. It's bereavement, isn't it, like when your husband died? Had a few of these.
Husband going into aged care - it's bereavement, just like when your husband died.

Fuck.Off.

I totally get that they're devastated about a loss, and can see it's a form of bereavement, just don't link it or draw an equivalence to my husband's death to my face.

Ds's 27th birthday shortly..2nd since his suicide. No doubt the fairweather friends will emerge again.

@echt i feel your pain regularly. My pain is in its second year. I’m constantly asked am I over my loss. No I’m blinking not, and then wanting to know why I’m not over it, lots of questions starting “surely……..”

my brother recently got from me “ don’t give the grieving widow more grief”

My mum died last August.
I’ve not cried for her.