If you’re grieving, share something you don’t feel able to say out loud

[Tinywedding]

I’ll go first. I haven’t said these things to anyone as I’m worried they make me a monster.

For context, my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness (that has a 100% fatality rate whatever stage it’s diagnosed) when I was in my 20s and passed relatively recently.

I really want them to find a cure for his illness so no one ever needs to go through this. But I don’t want them to find a cure too quickly. That would absolutely destroy me if they discovered a miracle cure that he only just missed. Tbh even a recent drug advancement has made me really upset and envious. And then I feel so guilty because I know there are families that desperately need a cure right now.

When it was clear he was dying, I was always hopeful that there would be some miracle that saved him. But caring for him for over a year day and night and his decline took such a toll on me that in the last month of his life I remember thinking ‘oh my god, if he was miraculously cured he does still have to die at some point. Then I’d have to do this again 10-20 years down the line. And I don’t have it in me.’

Maybe no one will respond to this thread but I just had to get these thoughts off my chest. Thank you for reading.

Same friends I posted about before have given me an enormous amount of stress because they have decided that something I told them in confidence they feel should be common knowledge. I asked them to keep it quiet until I had at least told my children.

Their children live abroad, but occasionally their children are in contact with my children, so their children know and as I’ve not seen my children to tell them they don’t

I think it’s highly likely that by tomorrow these friends will no longer be my friends

My mum’s brother has just died now, only 6/7 weeks later than my mum. He sadly had early on set of dementia and had suffered the last few years . Can’t believe the two of them now gone 😢

It will be 6 years this year since my Ds took his own life.

No one knew anything was wrong. He didn’t ask for help. Thought that was the only way to end his pain.

He was barely out of his teens.

It was COVID and he obviously had undiagnosed depression.

Someone up thread mentioned death being like a grenade going off in your family. That is also how I describe the effect on us all.

If you met me you wouldn’t see the immense sadness I feel inside. I go to work, I see friends, I go on holiday and I laugh just like a ‘normal’ person.

Inside though I am a hollow shell, staying alive for his sibling who has had such a huge amount to deal with in a her very short life.

I am angry and sad that my lovely DH had his/our retirement plans stolen by motor neurone disease.

He was diagnosed with it last summer. For while he continued to be relatively well and we did get a couple of decent holidays in, but during this February he weakened significantly. It attacked and weakened his chest muscles so much that he died from it just a month ago.

He was robbed. We both were. He didn't even get to retire.

It never gets any better.

If anyone say oh my gosh is it really 6 years already as the anniversary of my best friends death comes close I will scream.

Time doesn’t no heal. It just highlights how time can pass yet nothing changes. The grief is still there. It’s still overwhelming and cruel. I’ve never been the same since.

I still feel it should have been me not my friend and I hope I die before all my other friends so I never have to go through this again.

I’ve become more distant in relationships to protect myself too.

I resented my husband for ages for saying that when I wailed at him will I always feel this way. However he was right and maybe I’ve come to understand that his honesty was needed even though it felt harsh at the time.

I'm so angry with my mum. Her docter estimated that she had had cancer for about 5 years, but had never gone to the GP about it, until it was far too late.

I'm angry with my sister, who did something very similar, but with a different illness. She now has a life limiting condition, so despite being the younger sibling, will die before me.

I'm glad a lot of the time that I'm getting older because my mother's death has affected me so much, not on a day-to-day functional level, but deep down, that I honestly don't really want to be alive anymore. I won't ever take my life, because my children and grandchildren need me. But mum's death has left such a huge hole in me. As others have said, a grenade going off. Mum's death has emptied our whole family out. She would be shocked at the importance she held. I don't think we knew either until it was too late.

@VanessaSanessa you are right. The build up to the anniversary is worse than day itself.

I lost my Dad just over 2 years ago, and I'm still trying to find my way without him. He had liver cancer, and died a horrible painful death. I want to punch people who argue that improving palliative care is a better option than assisted death. His last weeks will haunt me forever, because his liver failed his body couldn't metabolise the pain relief/medication he was given. He had a fantastic palliative care team, access to very strong medication but it was fuck all use to him. And how many others die the same way

And do not tell me it is Gods will as I sat by her family grave processing the news that she was on life support.

God doesn’t not bring me any comfort at all thank you and telling me this is in his plan does not console the tears of those who loved her including her babies left without a mother.

I’ve visited that church more since her passing than any church I ever had before. I ask him every time what you got to say for yourself and still no answers. Last time the door was locked. So yeah. Gods fucking will indeed.

I lost my only two friends less than two years apart - neither of them made 40. They both had such a huge impact on my life and I miss them terribly.
I will never have such wonderful friends again.

My dad died on Christmas day, and I feel I lost him weeks before he actually died. I'm so angry that things were missed, but ultimately, I know it wouldn't have made a difference, just prolonged his suffering. It's just galling that professionals made such a balls up on the basics of palliative/end of life care.

Also, now that my dad has died, the family has split apart, and I can finally have more than a day without stupid drama...at least so I thought. Its like my dad was the bouncer that kept us all in check and now it's a free for all.

It was my brother's birthday a couple of days ago. Just under 7 years ago, he was hit by a car on a zebra crossing and sustained catastrophic head injuries. He was a resolute atheist, smart, supremely sarcastic and gloriously autistic. He absolutely loved the humour in inappropriate situations and comments and loved comic books and superheroes.

As multiple families received calls and travelled to the hospital in the dead of night for a long awaited transplant, I sat there and read The Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy to him. The last part I read was

‘I refuse to prove that I exist,’ says God, ‘for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.’

‘But,’ says Man, ‘the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn’t it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don’t. QED.’

‘Oh dear,’ says God, ‘I hadn’t thought of that,’ and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

‘Oh, that was easy,’ says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.

Only one other person knows this or that the very last thing I said outside the theatre door was 'Go on then, go and be a hero'.

Nobody else would understand.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I'm aware that I can only grasp some of the nuances of your relationship with your lovely brother but I wanted to say that your post moved me to tears. I am very sorry that he suffered such a catastropic injury. I can feel his personality and your love for him through this keyboard.

Separately (& he did survive, so I hope you are not offended by my posting this) I read THHGtotheG to my gloriously autiistic son on the High Needs ward 2 summers ago when he was there with heart failure after covid (I was told 'he is extremely sick, do not leave him now' so at that time I did not know if he would survive it, he did but is still quite unwell). It helped (both of us) a great deal.

Your brother was indeed a hero. As are you, continuing on without him x

Similar to some PPs (and I’m relieved it isn’t just me)…

My parents, who took good care of their health, both died in their mid 60s.

My FIL is still going strong at 81 and I resent him for it (but obviously don’t actually wish him dead). He smoked for decades, drank far too much until relatively recently. Hasn’t done any exercise since his school PE lessons in the 1950s. He’s overweight with a poor diet. But he is still alive and in pretty good health. Goes on lots of nice holidays. He has had (at least) 15 years more than my clean-living parents and I’m still cross about it.

I haven’t told my DH the extent of my feelings, obviously, but DH has actually said some similar things to me! He does love his Dad but doesn’t like him that much- because he’s a difficult and rather selfish person. (Unlike my Dad who was very generous and community minded).

A lot of these posts are incredibly moving.

i have a somewhat shameful confession in that several people I know (30s) talk a lot about how sad they are that their grandparents will die soon. People in their 90s.

in the last three years, I’ve had multiple close family members pass away, two unexpectedly and one very much before his time. He was young.

I find it so hard to empathise with people who wring their hands about a potential death of someone in their 90s (!) and who haven’t been exposed to the cruelty of life otherwise.

@Milya I confess to inwardly rolling my eyes a little bit when people who are well into adulthood make a very big deal about losing grandparents. (If someone was raised by their grandparents or had another reason for being especially close to them, I recognise that’s different. But for most people who grew up seeing their grandparents once a week or so and had a normal grandparent/grandchild relationship, I do think it’s a bit OTT. I lost mine in my childhood and teens and whilst it was sad, I wasn’t broken by it!).

@Milya @Waitingfordoggo To be honest in my mind once you've lived to 80 (or maybe even a bit earlier) you've lived a full life and anything on top of that is just a bonus. Yet there's a growing proportion of people who act like a natural death at 90-odd is comparable to someone decades and decades younger.

This might sound unbelievably harsh but sometimes I don't like the way the NHS puts equal weight on treating people of all ages. It feels a bit wrong to have someone in their 40s or younger waiting and waiting to get cancer treatment because there's lots of very elderly people being treated before them. I actually read an article by a former NHS surgeon who had cancer in his late 70s and had declined treatment for exactly that reason. It's a very difficult one.

I agree - and my dad was 88 when he died September last year. He actually 'died' in April 2025 though as he lost everything to post operative delirium. Resources just seem too stretched to be effective.

Agree @Tinywedding re NHS resources. I am reminded of this frequently because my 20 yo DD is having a hell of a job getting any help or further investigation for her extremely painful periods which affect her work, her mental health and her relationships.

Meanwhile, 81 yo FIL gets a GP appt with a click of his fingers. (Same GP surgery). He has a few health conditions, all of which were likely caused by his unhealthy lifestyle.

And no of course I don’t want him to suffer, or die. I just want his young granddaughter to be able to access medical help as easily as he seems to be able to.

That your dog dying is not comparable to my darling wife dying. She was a fabulous person whereas your dog was an animal and if you think that is the same your are a bigger idiot than I thought you were.

@Wowthatwasabigstep I completely feel you. A much loved family pet isn’t doing too well atm at the grand old age of 20, and we will really miss him when the time comes, but ofc they are not the same. We have lost some close relatives very recently too and your wife dying is a hugely painful, incomprehensible loss. I am so sorry.

My DM was in a nursing home for over 7 years, suffering and depressed. It nearly killed me and devastated the whole family. I'm so very grateful she's at rest now and I don't have to face that place again.

None of your thoughts are monstrous at all. All very reasonable.