If you’re grieving, share something you don’t feel able to say out loud

[Tinywedding]

I’ll go first. I haven’t said these things to anyone as I’m worried they make me a monster.

For context, my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness (that has a 100% fatality rate whatever stage it’s diagnosed) when I was in my 20s and passed relatively recently.

I really want them to find a cure for his illness so no one ever needs to go through this. But I don’t want them to find a cure too quickly. That would absolutely destroy me if they discovered a miracle cure that he only just missed. Tbh even a recent drug advancement has made me really upset and envious. And then I feel so guilty because I know there are families that desperately need a cure right now.

When it was clear he was dying, I was always hopeful that there would be some miracle that saved him. But caring for him for over a year day and night and his decline took such a toll on me that in the last month of his life I remember thinking ‘oh my god, if he was miraculously cured he does still have to die at some point. Then I’d have to do this again 10-20 years down the line. And I don’t have it in me.’

Maybe no one will respond to this thread but I just had to get these thoughts off my chest. Thank you for reading.

I miss my sister. She was a nightmare but there was/is no-one who knew me better. So many memories. I am so envious of other women who have really close relationship with their sister. She was going to grow old with me & we were going to be 2 crazy old ladies who laughed at everything & spoke/saw each other everyday. I dont know what to say when someone asks me if I have any siblings.

My Dad died aged 65, last September after battling terminal cancer for 3 years, and I just do not care about anything anymore, I have no sympathy for anyone.

I'm also struggling with my mom, I love her and we've always been close, but I feel as though we are drifting away from each other, I'm angry that she hasn't supported me in my grief, it's all about her grief, which is understandable, but what about me. I'm angry that she makes excuses for my siblings not visiting or helping with Dad "oh its their way of handling things, they couldn't bear to see him like that way" oh but I could? I just loved watching my dad waste away.....I had such fun crying with him when he knew he was dying, it was wonderful watching the best man in my life take his last breath....

There's many, many things I feel but would never say out loud, mostly irrational I guess.

My darling daughter died last October, aged 24, totally unexpectedly. I am demented with grief at the loss of her and my most comforting thought is setting myself on fire so as to experience extreme physical pain before my death to momentarily extinguish my capacity to feel the emotional pain that torments me.

I hate that my mom died but my dad is still alive. He's not a nice man and I miss my mom every day. I would switch him for her in a heartbeat. I also feel jealous of people who have great dads.
I'm not proud of any of this.

Sorry for your losses to everyone posting here. I've had four big bereavements in a short period and am now completely alone in life.

In grief I've often felt that I have nothing to live for - as in not caring about not waking up rather than take steps to do anything. I would never say out loud but recently I've started to think about what it would be like to just die, imagining ways and how it would be and looked into assisted dying wondering if mental distress would be enough. I wouldn't qualify and I know this is an unhelpful creep in thinking but I feel so alone. It all just seems pointless and existing for the sake of it. I can't imagine a life where I am happy again as I was before.

I get the sense these feelings are more common that people ever say for those in deepest grief. I'm writing this so if someone else feels the same they know they are not alone.

(I'm ok MN and I don't need the standard post as I've seen it before and know where to get help if I get worse. Thanks and I appreciate the vigilance)

Solidarity with those grieving and walking on eggshells around other family members. And with everyone grieving and keeping their mouth shut about something.

@TheGrumpyCatLady - this resonates so much - so much grief comes from the way family behave when someone close dies and there is so much that can’t be said as I’m protecting the person who has passed away.

I just hate the onemanupship where one person’s pain and grief supersedes everyone else’s and they can’t see the damage they are doing to their parents, siblings and wider family. How does anyone move on from that.

I have a relative who is a truly odious human being. They are in their early 70’s, have never physically looked after themselves and are abusive in so many ways such as physically and emotionally. They have caused harm to so many people in their life and always seem to get away with it. I also lost my dn and a good friend last year. Dn was 21 and df was 50, both lovely people who had so much to live for. It absolutely burns me that my waste of oxygen relative is still alive and still being toxic to everyone while these two people had their futures taken away from them in the blink of an eye.

I didn’t want to go visit then before they died - 4 weeks ago

I am angry at my ‘family’ as I am now grieving for the relationship I did not have and its final - my ‘D’M has really pissed me off and I’m finding it difficult to speak

I can stop feeling guilty for not visiting

My condolences. It's not easy, particularly when you've been your dad's carer.

I had similar, but with my husband's adult kids. I finally snapped about a month after the funeral (which they had an involvement in but didn't attend).

I regretted snapping at the time, but now I only regret not setting them straight sooner.

I'm so sorry for everyone's loss, so much pain and sadness on this thread 😢

I wish I was there when my Mum died, I wish I knew that the last time I saw her would be the last time, I wish I could have held her as she passed and told her it was all going to be okay and that she was finally free.

I'd been in my job for two months when my dad died last summer. I got time off, that was no problem. Then a couple of months later, the boss's dad died. Before long there was an email sent out about a collection for flowers. I didn't get so much as a card from anyone when I lost my dad. I didn't put anything into that collection. There have been other bereavements in the office since and I haven't contributed to any collections. Why should I, when my dad's passing was only acknowledged as far as the time off I needed? I know realistically it's just because I hadn't been there long and didn't know many people, but would it really have been so difficult to organise a card? I know it sounds petty, but it's the way I feel.

My lovely dh died at 47. He had so much going for him. Intelligent, kind, funny, capable, good dad and husband.
My mum was abusive to me and my dad, is two faced, unpleasant, dumb and was a crap mother. So of course she's fit and healthy at age 83.
I REALLY wish they had each other's life span. Would have been perfect. And I'm not ashamed of that.

Dp lost both his parents before he was 40, before they were 60. While many people our age still have grandparents and that feels so so bloody unfair.

I lost my grandma before Xmas and I didn't visit her enough in her final months and I feel terribly guilty about it. I'd do anything just to see her just one more time.
I resent that my other granny (who I don't like very much and don't have a relationship with) is still alive and my dear grandma is gone.

My children have noticeably less gifts at Christmas each year, it's not about the gifts, but that it represents who's missing.

That my memories of my mother are her saying 'I wish he was dead, if he was dead, <favourite son> would have to look after me' before my brother was killed in an accident, her refusing to see him in hospital before he died because 'There's no point bothering, is there, he's just a vegetable' and her being incredibly racist about <favourite son's> children and wife throughout the time she quite happily lapped up the attention from him. And laughing because her least favourite child apart from me, one she told me aged 11 she would have aborted if she'd had her way, had been 'stupid enough' to phone and tell her he loved her.

But to favourite son and his adult children she described in the most horrible words possible to me for years, she was seen as an absolute saint, a victim of the evil younger siblings ruining her life when everything was perfect (it certainly wasn't) when it was just her and her special boy.

And what I actually miss about not being informed she had died wasn't the significant money she had hoarded, despite what I'm sure favourite son and her thought of me, but that there was a tiny book of about 20 photographs that represent my entire childhood - most of which were of animals, not my 'ugly cat face' - a novelty pot that would have fitted either knitting needles or wooden spoons, some plates that only came out for Christmas and a bundle of letters that I knew existed which were from my father from when I was born and throughout my childhood that she kept from me because she didn't want me to know him. Chances were that all of them went into a skip, rather than give me something worthless that would have meant something to me.

I grieved what should have been years ago. I still feel weird, though. Because it can never be fixed, with somebody like that it wouldn't have been, but she was an awful, horrible mother and now she's gone and that's that. So I'm almost reacting like her by not being properly upset about it - I don't know if I like that, maybe I should 'feel' more?

My toddler died 7 years ago. I still feel robbed of a normal life and resent friends and siblings who have had normal pregnancies and healthy babies. I know I should be happy for them but I will always wonder why it happened to me. I live a seemingly ok life now but inside I feel like I am dying.

My dad died of a heart attack at 46, he was slim, a vegetarian, very active, didn’t drink much. I was only nine when he died. I feel very much the same as you.

One of my close relatives is in a similar situation. Needless to say, I want a new treatment to be found ASAP. But if I were in your shoes, I'd feel the same way as you. I hate the idea that my relative might be one of the last to die from this disease.

When I’m having a bad day or a bad week, I think of my friend who committed suicide when we were 28/29 and feel a strange sort of envy. She left this world in her 20s and will be remembered as beautiful, full of youth and ‘gone too soon’. She left before life inevitably turns to shit. I think ‘good for her’.

I'm sorry for your loss. Within the last year, a relative and a family friend both died at a young age due to suicide. When I see how their immediate families are suffering, I sometimes feel angry with these young people. One made a very deliberate attempt to end his life after years of depression. It's awful that he was suffering so much, but it's also awful to see how that suffering has been transferred to his parents and siblings.

The other young person died in an apparent suicide which was ruled to be misadventure - a dangerous, probably impulsive act. I sometimes feel angry that she did something so stupid. She was a lovely and talented young person who had so much to live for.

Also, I would find my relative's illness less unfair if his parents hadn't lived to really good ages and he didn't have several older siblings who are all doing well. It won't feel right if the youngest sibling dies first, even though he has made it into his 70s.

After I lost my DH two years ago to suicide , I’m really cross with some people/ acquaintances who used to chat to me when I saw them in the supermarket, but who now look down and pretend they haven’t seen me. Don’t worry, I’m not going to suddenly burst into tears. I’m ok; I’m coping fine and I’m still the same person as before, perhaps with a lighter load.

It’s true that you find out who your real friends are after a bereavement

My aunt was the Party Queen.💃💃❤️

Her funeral was today. We will all miss her, her love, her cooking and her designed to have parties house. Everyone was welcome. Everything was celebrated.

Her going has left a huge gap in all my family's lives.
💔

I lost my mother when I was in my early twenties. It was a traumatic death as I tried to resuscitate her but couldn’t bring her back. I lived with the guilt for years and years. She died of a totally preventable illness and didn’t protect herself given the job she did. I miss her but I’m furious with her that she didn’t look after herself.
Then my husband died of a fast acting cancer four years ago, thirty years before his time. I get very cross with him sometimes. Now it’s just me trying to deal with everything and frankly, it’s shit.

I miss you Bear. You were my girl.

I can't go supermarket shopping atm. Got divorced 18 months ago after a long marriage and moved away to a new part of the country. Everyone else is in couples or families (so it seems) and I have my basket with bugger all in it. Never feel hungry these days. I have been known to cry when looking at the Cheesestrings because my son still loves them.