If you’re grieving, share something you don’t feel able to say out loud

[Tinywedding]

I’ll go first. I haven’t said these things to anyone as I’m worried they make me a monster.

For context, my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness (that has a 100% fatality rate whatever stage it’s diagnosed) when I was in my 20s and passed relatively recently.

I really want them to find a cure for his illness so no one ever needs to go through this. But I don’t want them to find a cure too quickly. That would absolutely destroy me if they discovered a miracle cure that he only just missed. Tbh even a recent drug advancement has made me really upset and envious. And then I feel so guilty because I know there are families that desperately need a cure right now.

When it was clear he was dying, I was always hopeful that there would be some miracle that saved him. But caring for him for over a year day and night and his decline took such a toll on me that in the last month of his life I remember thinking ‘oh my god, if he was miraculously cured he does still have to die at some point. Then I’d have to do this again 10-20 years down the line. And I don’t have it in me.’

Maybe no one will respond to this thread but I just had to get these thoughts off my chest. Thank you for reading.

When my mum was terminally ill I really hated my inlaws. I resented that they were happy and were able to spend time enjoying themselves as a family, and I felt it wasn’t fair that my mum (the youngest) was the first to die. I couldn’t talk to my husband about it.
I also felt awful and guilty for hating them. Being around them was really, really hard for a while.

My lovely father in law died not long after my mum, and I didn't hate them any more.

I think it’s good to talk to someone about those feelings - I had counselling for a bit and it was helpful to let those feelings out without fear of judgement. You have to feel what you feel - grief is a funny old thing. I’m sorry for your loss.

I still get so angry when I see men of my Dad’s age living horrifically unhealthy lifestyles; drinking, smoking, obese, or even if they are just not nice people. My Dad was the loveliest man. He was also only 56, ate well, never smoked, rarely drank, ran bloody marathons and he still died of a brain injury after a massive cardiac event.

I’d never wish what happened to him on anyone, but I feel like he deserved it least out of anybody

I recently lost my dad at Christmas. Although I'm grieving I'm relieved that it is all over both for him as he was suffering and for myself as I just couldn't cope with his needs at home anymore. I lived every day after he went into hospital in fear that they would try to discharge him with a care package

So sorry for all your losses. I lost my lovely Dad two weeks ago. He was 80. I feel a bit angry every time I see an old man, that they are still alive and my Dad is not.

I lost my lovely dad over 10 years ago. My FIL has been quite aloof with our dc of and on throughout. Good with material gifts but emotionally aloof. I have had moments of anger that he is alive and my lovely dad is not. My dad would have been a fantastic grandfather to my dc. Think showing up at school events, playing football in the garden, helping out at birthday parties, taking the DC on little trips out. Building Lego sets and train sets together, watching sport on the TV. I have felt that we were all robbed of that.

I know that all my feelings are completely irrational and stem from grief. But I will never understand why my FIL couldn’t be bothered to step
up a bit more with his own gc.

I can never voice these thoughts as my DH would defend his dad as someone who is not very hands on etc etc. The anger has subsided a lot over the years but I will not be the one running around after FIL in his last years.

My dad died suddenly aged 71 - I was ANGRY with every cranky old man I met after, Why are you alive when my lovely dad is not? He would be so much nicer in this situation than you. But is is 25 years ago so it only lasted a few years.

My mother is 5 years in a nursing home with advanced dementia. Hasn't known her family in years. Can't walk. Hardly eats. I grieve as my mother is gone - just this shell is left, I hope it ends soon.

I can’t go round the shops on a saturday afternoon cause seeing all the women with their mothers makes me want to scream.

My mum died 22 years ago.

I hate seeing couples arguing and hearing women running down their DHs. I want to scream, you are so lucky, your DH is here, mine is dead and our dreams went with him.......

I feel completely nihilistic. I don't care about much anymore.

I am angry with ds who took his life 18 months ago out of the blue. It has ruined so many lives ...his partner, parents,sibling,friends. What a fucking idiot. On the other hand, had he not succeeded and become brain dead, I would have hated him even more.

'You have to feel what you feel'

This is so very true. Some of the feelings that accompany grief, and the intensity of them, can knock you sideways. I remember feeling deep grief about not being a mother, and really feeling hatred towards every pregnant woman I saw and every mother I knew. If a woman told me she was pregnant, I wanted to tell her to go fuck herself. I was SO sad and angry and envious and lonely. It was a very very dark time

I've done a lot of therapy and a lot of healing, and am at the point where I can feel genuine happiness for parents
My raw pain now feels more like an old bruise

So much love to everyone here who is in pain

My DH died very unexpectedly, just over a year ago. I’m not so angry now but I’ve been furious with him. It’s part of the grieving process, for me anyway.

He was always busy and he left little projects that were still ongoing. There was a notebook on his work space with handwritten notes. I kept finding stuff and it broke my heart all over again.

As heartbroken as I was when family have died, I’ve been so relieved to lose the disease, hospitals, appointments, the worry, the constant talk about medical things and pain.
I felt like I could get on with my life again.
Definitely felt jealous seeing other people alive.
Used to think why are old junkies and alkis still alive.. but they’ve had painful lives so that thought passed.

My Dad died in his late sixties and was in complete denial about the severity of his illness, so had made no practical plans or arrangements. As well as grieving, we were left with puzzling things out and trying to make sense of the strange (and very unwise) financial decisions he made. And he had no life insurance or any provision for my mum. I was angry with him for that. If I know I’m dying, I’m absolutely going to make the admin as easy as possible for my DH and kids.

I loved my Dad deeply and the sense of disappointment I felt in him was difficult to handle. I felt very guilty for feeling that way.

I want to scream at people who are flippant about sun protection and tanning. My sibling died from skin cancer, early forties. So preventable.

My youngest daughter aged 21 died unexpectedly just over a year ago. I love all her friends dearly, but sometimes I’m mad they get to live their lives and mine was cut short.

I’m angry with my husband as he has never been bereaved. Grandparents died before he was born or when he was too young to remember them. Parents still living their best lives and going on walking holidays in their late 80s. I’ve lost both parents, my gran, aunts and uncles and cousins from a super close extended family. DH doesn’t have any cousins or aunts and uncles. Most of my extended family died from a hereditary cancer, which I have had. When my cousins and I speak with each other and ask “how are you?” we mean “Did you get the all clear at your last check up?”

Mum’s request for where we scatter her ashes is bonkers impractical, which is entirely typical of her, and if it weren’t for my siblings’ sentimentality, I would just put her in with dad.

I hated that my bone-idle miserable git of a FIL who festered all day in an armchair with the Daily Mail was alive until 89 when my lovely, positive and active mum died at 72.

Every time he moaned about something I wanted to kick the selfish git.

I really hate it when people say 'Growing old is horrible' or 'It's miserable being old'. My best friend died in her early 30s and I long for her to have been able to old and see her children grow up.

She'd just started training as a mental health nurse and it makes me really sad when I think of all the good she would have done for others and it was snatched away.

Losing your mum at 2 is not the same as losing your mum when you’re an adult.

I am also struggling with PIL. They don’t do much, FIL complains endlessly about how terribly ill he is and everything has to revolve around him. I lost my mum before Christmas and I just can’t deal with their way of life anymore when she so enjoyed being with people and doing stuff.

I hate the fact that my DH didn’t survive stomach cancer and didn’t live long enough to even start treatment and be given hope. It irrationally angers me to hear others with the same cancer get life extending treatment, and some even get remission.
I should be glad that others aren’t going through what DH had to endure and what I have to live with knowing.

My dad died last week. I have been looking after him for the last decade, with more frequent input over the past couple of years, and quite intensely since Christmas. I miss him terribly, but I’m relieved the past month or so is over.

My sister hasn’t seen him for years. She didn’t want to help look after him. I have no ill feelings towards her for this; we must all make the decisions we feel we have to.

She is now demanding to be involved in the administration of his estate. I just want to ask her why her input is so important now that he has died, when she was not interested when he was alive.

I don’t care about the stuff aspect. I’ve already indicated she can have what she wants. She knows I would prefer to keep the property so she wants to sell it and I am not going to argue. I just want her to leave me alone to grieve. She wouldn’t help me when he was alive, and I don’t need her supervision now.

I am not saying these things to her out of respect for her feelings, but the silence is costing me. We are now middle aged but she is still the golden child.

Solidarity with those grieving and walking on eggshells around other family members. And with everyone grieving and keeping their mouth shut about something.

I had this brainwave. My dad used to post a lot on a forum in some ways quite like mumsnet, but loosely based on his industry. Chatty stuff as much as specific tips, help and support.

I asked ChatGPT if I handed over dad’s username and url if it would be able to create Digital Ghost Dad. So I could talk to him again.

AI said yes, but then insisted on a long conversation about “can” not being the same as “should”.

I know it sounds insane. And very unhealthy. So I told ChatGPT to remember why it should talk me out of it, if I ever actually ask it to do it.

But some days it’s hard to resist. I love seeing (now adult) children of parental alienation reuniting with their estranged parent. It fills my heart when our tribe gets a little smaller. But the hankering for my own reunion then starts to creep in. And he’s gone. It’s too late. So a part of me wants to try and raise him from the dead. Albeit digitally.

Grief has been the most incredible journey of finding out just how many dark (and not at all sensible or reasonable) corners my mind contains.