If you’re grieving, share something you don’t feel able to say out loud

[Tinywedding]

I’ll go first. I haven’t said these things to anyone as I’m worried they make me a monster.

For context, my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness (that has a 100% fatality rate whatever stage it’s diagnosed) when I was in my 20s and passed relatively recently.

I really want them to find a cure for his illness so no one ever needs to go through this. But I don’t want them to find a cure too quickly. That would absolutely destroy me if they discovered a miracle cure that he only just missed. Tbh even a recent drug advancement has made me really upset and envious. And then I feel so guilty because I know there are families that desperately need a cure right now.

When it was clear he was dying, I was always hopeful that there would be some miracle that saved him. But caring for him for over a year day and night and his decline took such a toll on me that in the last month of his life I remember thinking ‘oh my god, if he was miraculously cured he does still have to die at some point. Then I’d have to do this again 10-20 years down the line. And I don’t have it in me.’

Maybe no one will respond to this thread but I just had to get these thoughts off my chest. Thank you for reading.

its horrific and I wouldnt wish it on anyone. we lost my beloved fil over 8 years ago and I still don't think am right. my work at the time was horrendous to me. should have gone out sick but I didn't. I walked out instead. I was always looked at after differently ( it's was a tragic death and he was very Well known in my locality) you meet people stop say hello and when realise who you are a pitying look goes to their eyes . After he died we had a lot of work to do sorting out accounts money etc. mother in law was clued in etc but still alot of work to get everything sorted. we also helped sort the house out cleared a good bit of clutter tidied up the garden etc. brought to medical appointments etc ( lucky she can still drive ) this went on for a good few years. slowely though my husbands sister must have taken offence and now she doing it. house slowely starting to be cluttered again weekly trips to charity shops etc making house unsafe. husband goes to do stuff in garden he was asked to do turns up and finds one of the grandkids have done it instead - he not told but also done badly - so his day wasted. same go to bring to hospital appointments drive in and see sister there all ready she now bringing her. that's fine no problem but let us know. drive home will of course coincide with a trip somewhere to buy another chair jug or table to squish into the house where money needs to be spent maintaining the house. I am dreading the clearout when she does die.

It's the nihilism
Since the worse thing in world happened, I don't care about anything. You would think I do. I am empathetic and lively, but I give not one shit about anything at all. I could kill myself or anyone else on any day of the week. I would not care about any pain I left behind. I have absolutely nothing to lose.

When my beautiful, kind, smart mum died 5 years after an Alzheimer's diagnosis I made all the right noises when people were trying to console me. But all I felt was relief.
Of course I cried and missed her but my wonderful mum had already died years before.
I knew she would have hated being the woman she'd become (I can't even write who she'd become but imagine worse case scenario)
so I suppose the relief was for her mainly. But also for me (and my siblings) because her illness (and my Dad's who'd died the year before after a decade battle with cancer) was so time consuming. I travelled a nearly 500 mile round trip for almost 2 years most weekends to 'do my share' and because I loved my mum.
I was glad it was all over.

Say it.
It's not selfish, it's honest. And there's no judgement here.

Oh that’s awful. I’d be raging too. What a selfish bitch.

I've recently lost someone who was the only person who had constantly been in my life. Over 40 years. No parents so she meant a lot. I couldn't say to anyone in real life that I wish someone else in my life had died instead. It wouldn't hurt as much.

My dad isn't dead yet but he will be soon enough. This sounds callous, but he is my favourite person in the world, I love him so much, and I am so furious that he's ended up with motor neurone disease when he was always so healthy and such a lovely man. But equally, he is so stubborn and used to spout the ridiculous opinion that taking out life insurance is "betting against yourself". So he didn't have any and now my mother is very anxious about what will happen when he dies. I just can't believe he was so stupid.

I feel this. My mum is terminally ill now. I can barely bring myself to talk to mother in law these days, she’s done nothing wrong& tries to support me. She too is older. It wasn’t meant to be this order.
I’m not yet ‘officially’ grieving.. I’m anticipatorarily (such a word?!) grieving. I just wish I could jump to the ‘real’ grief now as I’m terrified of it. But I obviously don’t want my mum to die now! Well, actually sometimes I do.. it’s so hard watching her decline.

I’m touched that so many of you have shared. Although it’s a wake up call to just how much grief and sadness and anger there’s out there. None of it’s fair.

Im grateful that unlike basically every other thread I’ve ever seen on mumsnet this feels like a safe space and free of judgement.

I know how hard it is to even admit these thoughts just by anonymously writing them down, and how difficult it might be for those who aren’t grieving to begin to understand.

Thank you everyone.

Absolutely second this - it’s been cathartic to be able to speak our minds without the usual “you can’t say that!!”

There is sadly a lot of rage and anger, sadness and disappointment out there, death seems to have many victims, not just the obvious ones.

I have lost 2 husbands to cancer and have very little of my own family left, yet I still deeply miss my dear best friend, who literally dropped down dead at the age of 52. Sometimes, I still think “oh I’ll just ring Josie and tell her that” then reality hits, that it’s been nearly 10 years since she died - and the knife of grief twists again.

Wishing us all some little comforts and peace in the days, weeks and months ahead.🌼

I know it was said with the very best intensions and from a desire to be empathetic but no, you do NOT know what I am going through because your dog died or (from a young nurse) your grandparent died. When my husband died he took the future we had planned with him so it is NOT the same.

I am so sorry to hear about your son.

On a selfish level, I am relieved to hear that someone else has felt similarly conflicted regarding the desire for a cure.

Like you, I donate to research for a cure for the illness. I have actually completely thrown myself into this to help with my grief and on the outside my family, friends and the main charity related to the illness probably think I am 100% committed to finding a cure as I’m always doing fundraisers, speaking publicly to raise awareness and sitting on lived experience panels and things.

But secretly inside I feel conflicted. And I’ve hardly even been able to admit it to myself.

I can agree with this.

I thought it was just me that thought this way.

I feel relief I don't need to be a carer anymore and I'm glad to be less overstimulated.

But I'm also desperately sad inside.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Mental illness does not only ruin the life of the sufferer 😔.

Separately to my earlier post, I lost several babies in pregnancy. I will never admit this to anyone but due to how things went (which I don't want to discuss in detail, it gave me PTSD), my grief for my daughter, my first loss is the deepest. It's desperately, endlessly deep. I do not grieve the same for my other babies because it was a lesser shock and trauma I think, and because I really felt my daughter was meant to be with me. She isn't. I have a beautiful son, but even his arrival did not heal my grief for her and nothing ever will.

I’m glad it’s not just me! My bridesmaid did what should have been my dad’s speech and I even said to her “please don’t say too much about my dad” because I knew that SIL was really sad that FIL couldn’t be there. What I mug I was!!!

There’s something else.

I follow a lot of people who are grieving, are terminally ill or have a terminally ill loved one, on social media. When it’s near the end (final days/ weeks / months) they’re always making really special memories, full of appreciation, having heartfelt talks, hugs, beautiful photos and often the person dying seems to be grateful for just one more day with their loved ones.

That was not my experience at all. And I’ve never talked about it with anyone.

I can understand it not being like that if you had a difficult relationship or the person was difficult but me and my parents were all really close, they had a great marriage and he was the best dad and man. Yet he wasn’t grateful for each new day with us near the end. He was angry and frustrated. He was vocal about wanting to die. He didn’t like to be touched. He got no joy from anything we did. He didn’t even want to talk to us much as he said it took too much out of him.

I’ve never seen anyone else have the same experience, or at least admit to it.

My father died last year and I hate seeing people older than him still alive and well. I feel so much anger at those in their 70s and 80s and 90s, especially at those who have big 75th / 80th / 90th birthday celebrations (there seem to be several such people in my life). I hate them all and don’t know why they get to be here when my father doesn’t.

I also feel so alone in my family now without my father. My mum and siblings are very close and I don’t fit in with them at all.

Thinking of all of you - it’s a comfort to know many of us are feeling similar feelings..

Ive lost a lot of people over the last few years, including my dm 3 weeks ago. I’m grieving, everything feels flat and broken. But I haven’t lost a child and therefore it feels like very little compared to the grieving parents on this thread.

I lost the dm I used to have four years ago. Ive aged a decade in that 4 years. I’m not sure who it is I’m grieving now. The anticipatory grieving didn’t really work I think.

My sister died of lung cancer leaving behind her young son. In my darker moments, I think why has she died (never smoked, didn’t drink) and chain smoking MIL who always says she’s done with this world now, won’t travel anywhere, is still going strong. Similar thoughts about my uncle- lots of self inflicted obesity related illnesses, doesn’t ever leave the house. What is the point of his life? Horrible thoughts but I can’t help it.

Also had a friend who lost her dad at 80. I had to distance myself eventually. Kept saying I didn’t know how she felt as it was a sibling I’d lost, not a parent. I didn’t want to get drawn into playing a grief competition game but her dad lived his life, saw his children grow up etc. please don’t try to tell me it’s a terrible tragedy and that it’s the same. It’s not. It’s terribly sad but losing a parent at 80 is not a tragedy.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s almost a sense of betrayal, isn’t it? A feeling of being hugely let down by someone who should want to look after you. Which is irrational since we’re grown adults and can look after ourselves, but I would honestly hate to burden my husband and children with what we had to sort through after Dad died. It’s hard enough grieving and dealing with the loss, never mind worrying about money and trying to figure out passwords and not having a clue what they wanted because they refused to acknowledge the situation.

You will get through it, though

@Tinyweddingwe didn’t make special memories or have heartfelt talks. We were all completely in denial and couldn’t face the inevitable and there are so many questions I wished I’d asked. Then she went on a ventilator and that was it. The end was not peaceful and like nothing I could have ever imagined. Her face comes to me often, I think it’s intrusive thoughts. It’s forever imprinted on my brain. She did not look at peace, she looked tormented. I actually felt happy when I went to see her at the chapel of rest as she looked like her old self.

My dad died nearly 19 years ago, he was 69. My kids were 3 and 1 when he died so they never got to know him. My fil is a bitter, awful man who hasn’t seen them (his wife too) for 6 years. Just feel sad that my dad who would have been a fantastic grandparent never got the chance and my in-laws who are still alive, make no effort at all. My mum is alive and luckily they have a lovely relationship with her, but it still grates on my nerves.

My wonderful Mum died a week ago and I am battling with my brother and sister over the funeral arrangements, we've not spent so much time together in 20 years and I have almost bitten through my tongue so many times trying not to shout at them both for being so ignorant and useless. I have been tasked with dealing with all the admin but everything I suggest I have been told is 'not what I remember', 'not what I would choose', 'I think we should have...' endlessly which makes me want to punch them both. I feel I am losing my mind...