If you’re grieving, share something you don’t feel able to say out loud

[Tinywedding]

I’ll go first. I haven’t said these things to anyone as I’m worried they make me a monster.

For context, my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness (that has a 100% fatality rate whatever stage it’s diagnosed) when I was in my 20s and passed relatively recently.

I really want them to find a cure for his illness so no one ever needs to go through this. But I don’t want them to find a cure too quickly. That would absolutely destroy me if they discovered a miracle cure that he only just missed. Tbh even a recent drug advancement has made me really upset and envious. And then I feel so guilty because I know there are families that desperately need a cure right now.

When it was clear he was dying, I was always hopeful that there would be some miracle that saved him. But caring for him for over a year day and night and his decline took such a toll on me that in the last month of his life I remember thinking ‘oh my god, if he was miraculously cured he does still have to die at some point. Then I’d have to do this again 10-20 years down the line. And I don’t have it in me.’

Maybe no one will respond to this thread but I just had to get these thoughts off my chest. Thank you for reading.

It’s been 25 years since I lost my first husband - and the absolute rage of unfairness still rises up in me. I’m so damn angry that our DS(15) had to go through losing his beloved Daddy, hero & best friend and I had to watch that young man’s pain and rage of grief and couldn’t do a bloody thing to make it better.
I’ve hated listening to the utter bullshit of peoples words, meaningless crap about “God only takes the best, God had work for him”
Come and tell that boy of 15 who cries for his Dad every night all your platitudes that mean Jack shit.
Promise us help, promise us you’ll be around- then piss off and leave us when barely a week past the funeral.
im so damn proud of that 15 year old boy, who nursed his dying father then went on and propped me up for years and tried to be the man of the house when I was sunk by grief.

Hes 40 now. Got a good career, a fine man.
But with no help from the do-gooders and the people who stared then turned away from us like my beloved DHs cancer was contagious.

Fuck Cancer.

It blew our lives to bits.
We crawled from that wreckage.
We’re both still here.

I hear you
i really hear you 🌺

I don't believe that any of the parents at my kids school deserve to have their parents help them out at all, with childcare, with nights away, with appointments. I think every single one of them is spoilt and entitled because my kids have no grandparents. My husband and I have been orphans since we were both in our 20s and it's tough. I resent anyone who has help.

Also the rage at people who think that losing a pet is in any way comparable to losing a person. It's a fucking dog, get another one.

Phew thanks, it feels good to say it out loud. And yes, I know it's irrational. Thanks

I feel similar anger when people dismiss the pain of losing something that never deliberately hurt me and loved me without conditions, as though a fucking abuser could be more important than a cat or dog.

My ExH has recently passed from stomach cancer and I feel exactly the same as you xx

I’m unreasonably angry with anyone living with stage 4 cancer and going about their lives with a longer prognosis as my exH passed in November from an aggressive metastatic stomach cancer. He spent most of the last 5 months of life in hospital on an iv feed drip or at home vomiting. Our son could only spend time with him on a ward with other sick people or with countless visitors who were trying to outdo each other over who he was more important to.

Im angry that it’s brought up lots of uncomfortable feelings in me about our relationship, his past behaviour and how things could have been so, so different.

I wish people would stop telling my son he’s ’so brave’. He’s not brave, he’s broken, he’s lost his hero and his spark and will never be the same again.

I'm disgusted at the relatives who are behaving disgracefully and ignoring ExHs wishes constantly

My best wishes to you & to your son in particular. It’s so cruel watching our children broken and grieving and not being able to take their pain away from them.
You are correct in the competitiveness of it all, the crass remarks and the ignoring of the DHs wishes.
Four months after my DH had died, I bumped into a girl I’d known all my life, school & college together etc. She looked us both up and down and said “We’ll you look like you’ve done alright out of it all”
Unbelievable!
But one of many many odd and downright rude comments. I was a young widow, which seemed to give people the right to make these comments.
sending you strength… 🌺

I lost my husband last year. Being a widow under 40 with small children was never on the cards. I have all the “usual” feelings- desperate sadness, anger (mainly at him, some at his family) but one feeling I didn’t expect was an element of relief. His behaviour had been more and more reckless over the last 12 months or so of his life, and although it was an accident and completely bloody avoidable, I had a bad feeling something was going to happen. I now have relief that I don’t have to constantly worry about him.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss 💜

I’d like to say something utterly selfish (but won’t, of course). My elderly dad is in the last stages of terminal liver cancer and is very frail. He has, over the last few months been very unkind to my mum. My mum updates me and my sister and I understand why she vents, I really do. But I also want to say, “Please stop! That’s my daddy and he’s dying and I don’t want to be sucked into a gang against him, I am your child, not your friend, please don’t tell me these things.” And then I feel dreadful for thinking like that and not being supportive of my mum. It’s all a bit rubbish really

DD best friend was killed last summer at the age of 21 and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I feel like a grief vulture but it was so painful to think of her families pain she was such a lovely person and soooo popular. I lost my Dad 3 years ago and felt angry with my Mum for still crying over him when he had a full and happy life (aged 69) and DD friend had hers ripped away at 21.

When my DH died unexpectedly (heart attack) I just could not believe he hadn’t insured the mortgage (about £1m). He did have life insurance, through work, but in total it didn’t cover it and a share went to his ex and adult children. But he was fairly cautious with money and I couldn’t believe he hadn’t insured it. I had to sell the house immediately. I was very upset with him at the time. My kids were 4 and six and it was so difficult. Packing up our house and all his things was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
I too look at many men who seem to be a waste of space (of course they aren’t) when my DH died at his peak. He swam a mile a day (so was relatively fit), did loads of charity work, was a huge motivator of newcomers into his field; was a truly lovely, generous, kind man.

So many posts on this thread chime with me. It's a relief to be able to say the things that are not acceptable to say publicly.

My DM died years ago but I always resented other young mums whose DC had a Grandmother to help with babysitting, outings, hosting Xmas etc. I've never heard anyone else say that until now.

My DS died last year and I resent that my neighbour, with a caring DH and adult DC, also had MacMillan nurses twice a day. My single DS had no help from the NHS and struggled on his own. He lived 100 miles away and was too proud to tell me how ill he was. His end was a nightmare.

Upset that close family who never visited or helped my mum will be at her funeral next week , one son who completely alienated her for six years . The hypocrisy of it all is sickening, now they have turned on me the daughter who looked after her and I am being accused of everything under the sun as the will is not favourable towards them . I am so sad that even in my mum’s death the greed for her money has taken over the significance loss of losing such a wonderful person .

My DS died 8 years ago, just as his adult life was starting to come together. He was happy with a lovely partner and everything to look forward to. He too died of something horrendous and although I donate money to research I feel bitter at the thought that in the future this will not be the automatic death sentence that it was for my DS. There is still no cure or even real treatment so it’s unlikely there will be any improvement in outcomes in the near future. I’m torn between being angry so little research and funding is available while knowing I would hurt even more if there was suddenly a cure and it was too late for him.

When I was growing up my parents used to frequently bemoan the fact they were saddled with 5 kids. They only ever wanted one apparently. This went on for years. Not in a light-hearted way. They would just come out with it at the dinner table and suchlike. I never understood it but sort of accepted that was my life. My eldest sibling was killed in a house fire at 49. My youngest died of cancer at 47. I went no contact 5 years ago. Happy days.
They are both still alive and are down to 2 kids. One of them sort of cares about them due to potential inheritance. The second one doesn't like anyone. Inheritance or not.
They are almost there. Who knows what the next few years will bring. Be careful what you wish for.

I'm furious with DH for smoking and not loving his DC (or me) enough to give up.

A lovely, beautiful, kind, caring, selfless lady in my life died a couple of years ago aged 40, leaving behind her loyal husband who was her childhood sweetheart and 2 young children. The whole thing was so cruel and unfair.

Since then every time I hear my cantankerous, selfish, lazy, greedy MIL whine “you’ll be sorry you didn’t do XXX for me when I’m dead” I want to scream at her “No we won’t because we wish you were bloody dead!” Obviously I don’t say it. But she is almost 90 and is one of the most unpleasant people I have ever met. I wonder why really unpleasant people always get to live really long lives and lovely people die young?. It makes me want to rage at the world sometimes.

I just wonder why so many awful, boring people get to live such long pointless lives when my dad, who was kind, generous, adventurous, curious, and absolutely full of wisdom and love for everyone and everything died so suddenly and unexpectedly.

i’ve lost 3 members of my family in the last few months, 2 of them long before their time. It fucking sucks.

I’m really fucking angry that my nan ignored her symptoms, and that the doctors didn’t take her seriously. It makes me so angry because it they’d listened, she’d be alive.

But in some ways I’m glad she isn’t. She was so unhappy. Physically disabled, her mind as sharp as ever but her body failed her. She was housebound, miserable after my granddad passed and she wasn’t living life. She was just existing.

I know I’m selfish for still wanting her here, and it’s an awful thought. But I’d give anything for just one more day with her.

My dad died at home about 6 weeks ago, when we decided to withdraw all treatment except palliative care, because his quality of life was so low.

My mom and brother believe he didn't suffer that much. But I was with him on the final morning, and I know he was in confusion and pain, until the nurse finally agreed to come and give him a decent dose of morphine and valium. Usually, I was the one who could calm him, but on the final morning I couldn't.

I need to keep this from them, I can't stand for them to know. But I will never forget it, and it's horrible.

I got married last summer without my dad around as he died a few months earlier of lung cancer (he’d never smoked, was super fit etc). It’s was heartbreaking to get married without him. Coincidentally my FIL also couldn’t be at our wedding at the last minute as he had a minor stroke as a result of his lifestyle (heavy drinker etc). My SIL spoke to the best man and about a third of his speech was all about what a wonderful man FIL is and how awful it is that he couldn’t be at our wedding. My dad, who was actually dead at that point, barely got a mention. I’m not sure I will ever get over the anger of it. How dare she do that.

Your mum should go to a therapist to unload - which ofcourse she needs. It's not fair for her children to be subjected to this though. Could you tell her to spare you complaints about your dying father because it hurts you to much? Tell her to see a therapist or talk to friends who are not so close to your father.

I'm angry when I see old, vile people. Why should they get to live when my shy, talented mother died in her fifties and never got to see her gc. She loved young children (worked with them) and was so creative and attuned to their needs. So intelligent; studied maths at Uni before changing direction, spoke 3 languages, played the piano and sang in a choral. Wrote a weekly column in a leftwing magazine. Had never smoked, had the occasional glass of wine, cooked everything from scratch and took her bike to work. I thought she would make it to 100 because she was so healthy.

And then she got ill. Drs said she was depressed but she wasn't. She was happy. Was very much in love with her longtime partner and loved her work. I had to insist to get the psychiatrist to believe that it was not a depression- it was a personality change. My prudish, discreet mum had turned into someone vulgar and exorbitant. And she laughed in a silly way and had no filter. It was early dementia. Risk factors for early dementia: smoking, drinking, obesitas and low iq. Nothing to do with my mum. She died 5 years after diagnosis in a care home.

I wish that she had gotten to live because she loved life. Much more than I have ever done.