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Bereavement

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The Sunflower Thread for bereaved mummies. For Gareth and Matthew - only a whisper away

1000 replies

shabster · 12/06/2008 14:30

Hello my new friends.

Come in, pull up a chair and have a gab

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shabster · 09/09/2008 21:36

We have everything on our thread dont we girls??

How amazing that a little bundle can cheer us all up so much.

Ive been texting my RL friends to tell them about Macs arrival - they have no idea what I am talking about but they are glad I'm happy!!

Yorkie - good to see you - hope things are as good as they can be with you and yours xx

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shabster · 09/09/2008 22:08

There are only a few messages to go before my boys thread (Eris' thread) has 1,000 posts on it and the baton goes to our lovely mate Lottie.

I just wanted to put this poem on that someone gave me many moons ago.

Come, take my hand, the road is long.
We must travel by stepping stones.
No, you're not alone, I'll go with you.
I know the road well, I've been there.
We must take one step at a time.
But remember we may have to stop awhile.
It is a long way to the other side,
And there are many obstacles.

We have many stones to cross, some are bigger than others,
Shock, denial and anger to start,
Then comes guilt, despair and lonliness.
It's a hard road to travel, but it must be done.
Its the only way to reach the other side.

Come, slip your hand in mine.
What? Oh yes, it's strong, I've held many hands like yours.
Once, you see, I had to take someones hand in order to take the first step.
Oops! You've stumbled, go ahead and cry.
Dont be ashamed I understand.
When you're stronger we'll go on, one step at a time.
There's no need to hurry.

Say, it's nice to hear you laugh. Yes, I agree,
The memories you shared are good.
Look, we're halfway there now; I can see the other side.
It looks so warm and sunny.
Oh, have you noticed, we're nearing the last stone and you're standing alone.
And look, your hand, you've let go of mine.
We've reached the other side.

But wait, look back. Someone is standing there,
They are alone and want to cross the stepping stones.
I'd better go, they need my help.
What? Are you sure?
Why yes, go ahead, I'll wait, you know the way, you've been there.
Yes, I agree. It's your turn, my friend -
To help someone else cross the stepping stones.

The poem just rang true about Eris' thread - just wanted to thank FMN for carrying on with this thread when she must have been at her lowest. xxxx

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Thelighthousekeeper · 09/09/2008 22:17

Hi Everyone,

ILike - Many many congratulations to you! Hope you and Baby Mac are doing well.

Hazygirl - Happy Belated Birthday! Hope you had a nice time

Hope eveyone else is doing ok.

xxx

shabster · 09/09/2008 22:23

Hiya Lighthouse - how are you doing love?

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lottiejenkins · 09/09/2008 22:34

I am struggling to think of a name for my thread
will have to put my thinking cap on.........

lottiejenkins · 09/09/2008 22:38

I think i may have just found something.,................................
Have just found this in a book........

The sharing of hurt is the beginning of healing.....................

How does that sound???

shabster · 09/09/2008 22:39

I just wrote down things that reminded me of my sons - sunflowers were my first thought. One year we went to Tenerife on holiday. There was a massive, massive field full of sunflowers. Every flower had its face turned up to the sun. When people drove past they all smiled!!

You will know what to call the continuation of Eris' thread - you are good with words.

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shabster · 09/09/2008 22:40

WOW Lottie I like that - just simple but very meaningful.

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Thelighthousekeeper · 09/09/2008 22:41

Hi Shabs.
I'm okay I guess. It will be 14 weeks tommorrow since Noah left us (he would have been 24 weeks old tommorrow, is it normal to count the weeks like this?). I still feel at times like this still can't be really happening to us, I just miss him so much. My DH has been struggling alot lately, his family have been totally unsupportive and despite telling them how he feels they have done sod all. It's awful how something like this can seem to tear families apart rather than bring them closer together in their hour of need.
Am also a bit worried about DD. She is only 3 and a half and she seems so sensitive lately and gets upset so easily and says how much she misses him. Only this afternoon she was watching Little Robots and one of the characters (a dog) ran away. She just got so upset that he was on his own. She was the same when she saw an advert for the Blue Cross Charity on tv recently. It breaks my heart seeing her like this. Took her for her first ballet lesson this afternoon (she has been wanting to do ballet for ages) and she just didn't want to join in so ended up sitting on my knee and watching whilst all the other little girls danced around the room with joy! I know it sounds daft but just wanted to burst into tears. Then to top it all I got chatting to one of the other Mums and she asked me how many children I had. I thought about it for a few seconds and then did what I've always said I wouldn't I told her I had one. I just feel so disloyal to Noah for saying this and I've been crying ever since when I think about it. Sorry to go on Shabs - you shoud'nt have asked!!

How are you doing, Is Tom enjoying his new school?

lottiejenkins · 09/09/2008 22:42

Thanks Shabs

This is good too but too long...

WE CANNOT JUDGE A BIOGRAPHY BY ITS LENGTH, BY THE NUMBER OF PAGES IN IT. WE MUST JUDGE IT BY THE RICHNESS OF ITS CONTENTS - SOMETIMES THOSE UNFINISHED ARE AMONG THE MOST BEAUTIFUL.

shabster · 09/09/2008 22:51

Oh Lighthouse, my love. Course it is normal to go by weeks - its a crushing, physically painful, hurtfull, shitty blow to loose a child.

Your little girl will be picking up on your feelings - it will not damage her in any way to talk about Noah and cry in front of her. It is a valuable lesson for her future. She will be able to show her emotion. Im sure you already have done but if she goes to nursery and when she goes to school make sure they know all the details about Noah. If she is ever sad at nursery or school they will be able to understand why.

She is still a baby herself. Wish I could make things better for all of you.

I have walked halfway to high school with tom every day and then watched him walk the rest of the way with my heart in my mouth and just waiting for something awful to happen and I am many years down the grief road.

If we didn't love our children it would not hurt this much.

Be kind to yourselves, dont expect everything to be better right away. Holding you in my heart tonight more than ever. xx

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shabster · 09/09/2008 22:52

Lottie the first one was better - although I really like your second choice.

OMG my boys are around me tonight....

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mel1981 · 09/09/2008 23:33

HI everyone hope your all well, I lost my internet for a few days so havent been able to check up.
A BIG CONGRATULATIONS to you and ur DH moveit- must b so happy?
Hi lighthouse I know what you mean when u say ur asked how many kids uve got...I think it depends on ur situation really. one time I said I had 3 I ended up trying to get out of telling a complete stranger that id lost my DS (im not embarassed or anything just didnt WANT to tell them)and I ended up feeling awkard & upset for that. but then I find other times I quite openly tell people my situation. I think it depends what mood im in & how ill cope if I do.
x

shabster · 10/09/2008 06:26

Good morning girls - OMG its very cold here!

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lottiejenkins · 10/09/2008 07:55

Shabs........ how many more messages?? Is it nine after this one? Do i start the new one when this one gets to a thousand?
This is the letter i have just sent to our local newspaper... it was published today.

Dear Sir I was saddened to read that neonatal services may be downgraded at Ipswich Hospital. I know from first hand experience how hard the staff work. My son Jack was born prematurely in 1994 and sadly only lived for two hours in the Special Care Baby Unit, I know though that during those two hours everything that could be done for him was done. The hospital chaplain couldnt get there in time so the sister on the unit baptised Jack for us. I have had friends whose children have been on the Neonatal Unit and they have all said such wonderful positive things too.I think it is vital that the SHA think carefully before possibly downgrading Ipswich. If the level two service was reduced to level one it would force families to have to travel long distances to visit their children adding extra stress to an already difficult situation. Yours sincerely

I would hope that someone sees sense and keeps the level two status!

shabster · 10/09/2008 08:11

Fab letter Lottie.

Think I waited till 998! Also think I linked the new thread onto the old one - if you get what I mean.

Right I'm off - walking tommy half way to school xx

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lottiejenkins · 10/09/2008 10:40

I think im going to prob start the thread when i get home from work this afternoon at about 2pm so if it gets to the end and i havent started a new one please bear with me!!!!

shabster · 10/09/2008 11:42

I am looking forward to passing the baton. Lottie, you, Jack and Wilf will make a great job of carrying all of our new friendships - FMN that was a wonderful idea

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hazygirl · 10/09/2008 12:48

hi girls hope you all ok,lhk big hugs it took me a long time to stop counting weeks,every friday night for a long time i couldnt bear it,five past ten at nite,i got my youngest dd a kfc ,my dh and i had been out for first time with his workmates,came back ,opened box and phone went,my poor dd screaming jayden wouldnt breathe,everyone tried so bloody hard to save him,but only once have i tried to eat a kfc again,i cried buckets full and threw it away,its stupid i know,but hey.
jayden should be 2 on the 18th of this month,but hes never out of my mind,believe me i love my grandkids but my god i miss that boy,we used to call him chucky ,he used to have red stuck up hair and i bought him little red boots and my dd used to say omg here comes chucky.
i know your still very early days still,i never thought you could hurt as much as it does,i caMe on here and found shabs and trips and ll and i survived,i dont think anyone is ever the same person as they were before,i used to think if shabs and the girls could get through it so could i, i had to help my dd through it and her little girls helped so much ,my dd who at 15 was amazing she used to come home to me blubbering all day sat in a chair,no meal ready or anything ,my ds left home he said it wasnt the same,it wasnt.
my dd has since had another dd and you would be amazed at the number of people who think it doesnt matter about jayden now she is here.,i could smash their faces honestly.
so girls thanks for helping me and lhk a very big hug to you,shabs and everyone on here will be a big help,the bestxx

hazygirl · 10/09/2008 13:02

hi girls hope you all ok,lhk big hugs it took me a long time to stop counting weeks,every friday night for a long time i couldnt bear it,five past ten at nite,i got my youngest dd a kfc ,my dh and i had been out for first time with his workmates,came back ,opened box and phone went,my poor dd screaming jayden wouldnt breathe,everyone tried so bloody hard to save him,but only once have i tried to eat a kfc again,i cried buckets full and threw it away,its stupid i know,but hey.
jayden should be 2 on the 18th of this month,but hes never out of my mind,believe me i love my grandkids but my god i miss that boy,we used to call him chucky ,he used to have red stuck up hair and i bought him little red boots and my dd used to say omg here comes chucky.
i know your still very early days still,i never thought you could hurt as much as it does,i caMe on here and found shabs and trips and ll and i survived,i dont think anyone is ever the same person as they were before,i used to think if shabs and the girls could get through it so could i, i had to help my dd through it and her little girls helped so much ,my dd who at 15 was amazing she used to come home to me blubbering all day sat in a chair,no meal ready or anything ,my ds left home he said it wasnt the same,it wasnt.
my dd has since had another dd and you would be amazed at the number of people who think it doesnt matter about jayden now she is here.,i could smash their faces honestly.
so girls thanks for helping me and lhk a very big hug to you,shabs and everyone on here will be a big help,the bestxx

shabster · 10/09/2008 13:37

Oh soddin' hell Hazy I'm blubbing now.....every word in your post is spot on. I used to hate Sunday afternoons after we lost Matt.

For once, I feel lost for words.............just thanks Hazy - you will all make it through this crap - none of us will ever be the same again but with each others help we will survive xxxxxxx

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hazygirl · 10/09/2008 13:46

big hugs and thanks for everything,bad time atm as andys dad bad,cant get him eating at all,and he is diebetic andhas leukimi and it is in lymnnodes now,he has just had bowel cancer and illestomy,trips has been brill gave me list of food thats really helped, but he seems to have given up and dh is heartbroken.
they forgot my birthday, and rang him at work,i said they have never remembered once in 27 years,long story mil is irish catholic and im c of e ,dd was born out of wedlock,long story ,old fashioned , ha ha .but fil said he wouldnt have got through without my advice ,help so thanks trips i got first thanks in 27 years xx big hugsxx

lottiejenkins · 10/09/2008 13:53

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1367/604148?rnd=1221051148900
I have started a new thread now!! Hope it all looks ok!

lottiejenkins · 10/09/2008 14:04

Ignore my post below... ive messed it up twice now....
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1367/604158
have asked for the two "wrong" threads to be removed!!! Really sorry!

Boop · 12/09/2008 22:53

Hello Ladies
Thanks for your words, sorry not been on been to Butlins x
Thanks for youe support, feeling ok, and lucky as always x x
My darling daughters are Eva and Bo x Bo went to heaven at 30/32 weeks x I belive she held on so Eva would live x
Not identical, IFV twins x Had a lot of medical probs, found had a blood condition which could have linked to the probs for Bo so felt angry. I have had miscarriage before the girls. And also had eptopic last year. Plus endomitriosis spelt wrong!!!!!!!!
I know how you feel when asked how many children you have, I use to say 2 and explain myself, but found that lots of people didnt need to know or want to know x Didnt know what to say or do xxx Hard really hard xxxxxxxx
Thanks ladies Will come back xxxxxxxxxxxx

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