The Sunflower Thread for bereaved mummies. For Gareth and Matthew - only a whisper away

[shabster]

Hello my new friends.

Come in, pull up a chair and have a gab

have added one of my favourite photos,in fact one of the few of the three of us to my profile - my dear brother who died is in the middle - he wore his plastic mask in the background of all my other First Communion pictures !

Morning all, I'm just checking into the new thread so I can keep a track of where it is.

We've got a mixed bag going on this weekend. Today we're going to see the SATC film, then going out for a meal. Then tomorrow is Fathers Day, so we'll go visit our parents. Having lost Cole at the end of last year Mothers and Fathers Day has been pretty shit, but I'm sure we're not the only ones feeling that.

Welcome evansmummy and cyteen, I hope you stick around and post whenever you need to xx

Thanks all for your posts and support. Had a good night's sleep but waking is the worst - realising that you're back to reality and it is tru, your brother's gone and is never coming back. I cried upon waking this morning.

Trying to decide whether or not to go and see him in the chapel of rest today. Am frightened of seeing him dead again - we saw him 20 minutes after he died. I wanted to see him without all the tubes and machines around him, and I regret it. He was pale and so cold and his lips were going blue. I don't want those images of him dead; I want to remember him alive (which I'm having trouble doing anyway, why is that?). But then at the same time what if I don't go and say goodbye, and then regret it?

it's tricky, am not sure what to advise. I saw both my grandfather and grandmother - my grandpa shortly after he died,still in hospital bed and granny down in the hospital mortuary. I never saw my brother as he died at home in the night and we were sent to school and when I came home he'd gone - I found this quite difficult -to have him there then for him to be completely not there,iyswim. Apologies for talking about my stuff - don't want to take anything away from you evansmummy

Please don't apologise for talking about your stuff. I don't want to take anything away from anyone either, feel like I'm hogging this thread a bit. Sorry for all those who were here before me.

Evansmummy - will you stop apologising

We have all had 'our moments' on this thread and the original thread - Eris' thread for bereaved mummies. We started off with every post treading carefully around each other and afraid of upsetting anyone - every post had loads of emoticons.

Then, some days every post had or ...the journey through grief is a hard, strange road. 2 steps forward and 1 back.

Im not saying any of us are 'better' or 'over it' or any of the other odd words. We are all just wading through the mud

On our threads we can be who we want to be..we can be sad, happy, angry, proud, tearful, heartbroken, glad etc etc etc.

We all have a common experience...please keep posting. xx

and you are not hogging this thread

MaryAnn and evansmummy - so sorry for your losses. I lost my first son 19 years ago so the pain of that early grief has gone and I have picked myself up and carried on, but have never forgotten my first child though it is not often that anyone really mentions him anymore. It has therefore been nice to come on here and talk about him a bit and maybe offer a bit of support to others going through the same or similar experiences. I also had an older brother who was stillborn, but obviously I did not "know" my brother so cannot possibly understand what you're going through, but we have been united in our grief on this thread, though our experiences are all different and at different stages. I am an only child and I have always regretted that my parents felt they couldn't/wouldn't have any more babies, so I grew up wondering what my brother would have been like etc and wishing my parents would provide me with a sibling, until it was obvious they weren't going to!

Anyway, hope we can be of help and welcome to the thread.

Hi evansmummy,

I'm so sorry for your loss It is an unbearable feeling, and everything is so raw. I had so many moments in the first few weeks where I just did not know what was going on around me - I would look around at all the people going about their business and want to scream "How can you not know that he's dead, how can you just get on with life as if the world isn't completely changed?"

Re. going to see him in the chapel of rest, unfortunately it's something that only you can decide and something that you can never know how you feel about until you do it (or not). When my mum died I knew straight away that I didn't want to see her, as the last time I'd seen her alive she was smiling and waving goodbye to me and I didn't want to taint that memory. With my brother, I was there when he died and saw the change in him from living human being to cold shell, so there really wasn't any need or desire on my part to see him again like that. If I'm honest, I have struggled enough with those images of him - seeing everything that made him Simon slowly seep out of his face, till there was just a waxwork left behind.

But then, I'm not saying any of this to try and influence you - just to share my own experiences. I know other people who have gone to the chapel of rest and found it enormously helpful to them. Just remember that whatever you decide will be right, and whether you go there or not, nothing can take away your knowledge and memories of the person he was.

Wishing you lots of strength today xx

when jayden died it was over two weeks later before we got him back for burial,not sure if i could bear to say goodbye forever,my youngest dd said mum how can we spend the rest of our lives wondering if we should have said goodbye to him,she was 15 at the time and it took a long time to get the image out of my head,i used to hate shutting my eyes because the image used to come ,but everyone is different,we have to choose what want personal choice,.big hugs to everyone herexx

FMN - I don't often return to Eris' thread. I've just read that you are expecting again. Many congratulations and a great big hug from me.x

Hiya Hazey.

I went to see Gareth and Matthew. Gareth looked like one of those beautiful porceline dolls. Matt - oh our Matt. I told the funeral directors to leave him mucky - didnt want him being something he wasn't!! Im not fibbing now he had a massive grin on his face. It is a very personal decision though - something that I did on the spur of the moment. I think your heart tells you what would be best.

OMG - after all these years it still floors me!! I walk around smiling and saying 'Im fine thanks!' but every now and then.....and usually on 'our threads'

Hi all survived the zoo just! Am not looking forward to tomorrow as neither Wilf or i have a dad anymore!!

Evening/Morning girls. Lottie - about your last post. I can rent out my DH for a very small fee to be Dad, Grandad etc etc.

I am a very lucky woman. I have My dad still around, my DH and my DS who is celebrating his FIRST fathers day. I cant believe that he is almost 27 years old. It is not possible.

When we all surface tomorrow I am more than willing to share the male people in my family...maybe you could have a 'REMEMBER DAY' and think about all the great stuff that has happened in the past? xxxx

Speak tomorrow girls. xxx

Am not feeling much happier for various reasons i didnt see much of my dad towards the end of his life and was let down again by him after he had died due to something that happened before he died.I know that sounds cryptic and complicated but i cant go into details, we were very close when i was small and i spent many hours driving round in his pickup, i remember going to get some wood with him from a builders yard when i was about three, i was wearing a red tee shirt and dad bought more wood than he thought he would so it was sticking out dangerously, he made me take my tee shirt off so he could tie it to the back of the wood to warn other drivers!

evansmummy - just wanted to let you know that I'll be thinking of you tomorrowXXX

Evening my friends. Hope you have all had a good day. The sun has eventually started shining up here in Lancashire

Wow, busy again and I keep missing it!

Evansmummy, glad you came over. Talk all you want about your brother and your feelings. You're allowed too, it's is your right and your need to. As we've all said before, it is a sad club we have going on here but at least we all understand. The day this thread becomes one where people feel they CAN'T post their feelings because they aren't welcome will be the day i stop coming here! I truly believe that you will help all of us in the future, when one of us has a bad day and you are feeling stronger. I am so sorry you lost your brother. I try and be grateful for my family each and every day because I am only too aware that one day they'll be gone. Hearing from you just gives me an extra reminder to think of my brothers and to love them. xx

Margo, if you are popping (nearly pooping! Sorry!) back then thank you for your congrats. I love the way people on MN just "pop in" now and then to see how people are. Brings a warmth to my heart.

Shabs, did Dan get anything for Fathers Day? Or has he already got all he wants and needs.....?

Lottie, no escaped animals, thank goodness!! No lion attacks in Regents Park?? Hope Fathers Day was bearable for you and Wilf. xx

Hi Hazy, Cyteen and Dippy. Had a good day all?

I go away for a week and it all happens doesnt it..

a brand new thread, a brand new pregnancy and a brand new arrival

congratulations shabster... I am delighted to hear about the safe arival of baby lewis

Fmn I think somewhere between the 2 threads I missed your big announcement .. congratulations to you too .. i am praying for a happy outcome for you

lottie .. how are you holding up.. days like tody are always sooo hard, they make you feel like everyone else in this big club that you are not a member of. I hope the day passed peacefully for you and wilf. I am sending you big hugs (and to everyone else who is thinking of absent dads today)

Evansmummy I am sorry that you have had to join on us on this thread but welome.Its really hard for you right now and I dont have any words to make it any easier. Please remember to allow yourself time to grieve..do whatever feels right hour by hour and remember that grief never really goes away.. you just learn to handle it better (well some times anyway)

am off to read the end of the previous thread now in case I missed anything else

Thanks all... have started a thread for people who dont have their dads no one else has responded. On another low note my husbands best friend is very ill he was our best man when we got married, hes 81 now, he doesnt want to be here now i dont think i think he wants to be with his wife,he is a complete legend in his own lifetime. When he goes to the pub on his motorised buggy people are scattered to the seven winds. Our church elder says all she sees is his cap passing the top of her hedge going down the path at a great pace, please pray for him!

Ive just posted on another thread to fairylights, she was asking for advice to help a friend whos lost a baby... ive suggested she come on here to ask for advice.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1367/549037?ts=1213560779098&msgid=11210025

hello there and thanks Lottie - yes if any of you have a chance to look at the thread lottie has linked to I would be really grateful. Thanks so much xxx

welcome fairylights - stick around love - loads of these great mummies will help

Thanks MAS. I am dreading tomorrow. And dreading even more the days after. In fact I am dreading forever.

Had an ok day, but a rubbish evening. Church this evening was a nightmare, but I thankfully had my brother's ex-girlfriend (and secretly my favourite ) with me. Walked out of the service again, but at least I had someone with me this time who undersands a bit of what I'm feeling.

Finally got the photo album finished for tomorrow - we're planning on having people leave messages and write down memories at the wake. I've done it all and have found it incredibly hard looking constantly at his beautiful smiling and hope-filled face. It's all just so cruel.

I miss him terribly...

Just hugging you sweetheart. OMG what can I say to you......I could reel out all the sayings that people do - because they dont know what to say. All I do know is that you will weep buckets tomorrow and it will be hard. I will hold you in my heart and my thoughts tomorrow.

Please believe me that you will not always feel as though there is no hope - you will never, ever forgot your lovely brother but gradually you will start to feel 'better' whatever the hell that is

Take care my love. Come back soon to our thread - we will all help.