Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

The Sunflower Thread for bereaved mummies. For Gareth and Matthew - only a whisper away

1000 replies

shabster · 12/06/2008 14:30

Hello my new friends.

Come in, pull up a chair and have a gab

OP posts:
anneme · 16/06/2008 23:20

Sorry - that sounded a bit selfindulgent. What I was trying to say was that often siblings are affected because they want to protect their parents and want to try and make everything ok - it is not just the other way round. But also - and please take this in the way that it is meant - it need not ruin their lives. you can worry dreadfully about whether an event will mark someone for life - yes it will, but not necessarily detrimentally. It is like a scar that starts off red and angry then fades to pink then white - it does not go away but becomes something that you just live with. It stops being the first thing that people think about when they think of you but it is still there and, in a way, can be a comfort.
I'll stop. I'm waffling. Sorry

Alisteal · 16/06/2008 23:56

Thank you all for the welcomes.

Vag- My husband is very understanding but beyond him it's a day by day thing. My dad is very anti graveyards and tells me having birthday parties is a waste.

My mom sometimes is good but half the time pretends it didn't happen.

And my MIL likes to tell me 'you just have to tell yourself, it's GOING to be a good day and then have one' Which is much easier said then done.

Triplets- I have also lost the ability to have more children. Which to me, takes away a big part of healing. I know many peope who loose their babies and then have others, and some of them are my friends and they are so happy and I'm happy for them. But it's like I'm also mourning the loss of any potential children.

My eldest daughter Freja, she misses Calypso badly. She held her before she died. The other day she came to me in tears and said 'I want Jesus to put Calypso back so I can go to the hospital and hold her again'

poor baby

ILiketoMoveitmoveit- I thank you for that. Sometimes (especially these past 2 days) I just need somewhere to go and cry and say I hurt. And I do

shabster · 17/06/2008 07:10

Morning girls.

Anneme - it was so interesting to read your story. I have a 'survivor' - Danny who is now 26 and has just become a first time daddy He very recently had to see a psychiatrist. It was when he bought his first home with his lovely DP. After about 6 sessions he was much better - although it will stay with him, and us, for the rest of his life it has made me more compassionate, more caring and so full of humour and wit.

My youngest DS is the lucky one. He didnt know his brothers, (on this Earth at least) but he gets very sad when he knows we are missing them.

Their is hope after a bereavement - I just think when it is a child or young adult it is un-natural and somehow a more difficult road to travel.

Keep posting we value your experiences.

OP posts:
VaginaShmergina · 17/06/2008 07:23

Morning all.......Anneme I am sorry you have lost your brother and so young too. Tookme a while to get my head around "fitting in" here but as you can see we have been made most welcome and your post is accurate especially with regards to protecting your parents.

What is on the agenda for today then ?

Think my love affair with Mr J Sainsbury will continue later

Alisteal · 17/06/2008 07:37

My kiddos and I are going to eat at the food service with my mil at work. And then we're going to play outside since it's supposed to be coolish and sunny

VaginaShmergina · 17/06/2008 07:45

Alisteal, have a good day.

Your MIL sounds a very robust and practical person, but all of this trauma is not happening to her directly is it ?

So sad Freja misses her sister so much

Your childrens names are beautiful by the way.

Alisteal · 17/06/2008 07:49

Yes none of it has directly happened to my mil. It's all my family getting the hits.

Thank you for the comments on my girls' names. In case I didnt post their full names it's Freja Eowyn 1/6/04, Raeden Storm 1/15/06, and Calypso Paikea Rhyder

VaginaShmergina · 17/06/2008 08:01

Raeden has the middle name storm......

I have a friend who has Isaac Sunshine and Madeleine Star!

In fact she was the girl who would have married my brother. After he died we have remained like sisters and I love her very much.

Have a good day (it's not an order BTW !

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 17/06/2008 09:54

Vag (that makes me giggle typing that name!) - I too seem to have a love affair with supermarkets. I 'pop' in for a few bits and come out £40 lighter - wtf?!

Today I am dedicating the day to housework - woohoo, can't wait

lottiejenkins · 17/06/2008 10:11

I'm working at lunchtime, then im going to have my hair cut, normally my friend comes to the house to do it but today im going to a salon! My friend gave me a half price voucher to use!

feedmenow · 17/06/2008 10:19

I like the way Vag calls herseld Vaggy!!!!! Have just tried to quickly read all posts cos am off to homeopath shortly and have laughed out loud twice - once at Vaggy and once at Wilf! That boy is like a ray of shining light!

Ali, how do you pronounce Calypso's middle name? Beautiful names, BTW. I am a bit of a one for the slightly unusual. I am so sad to have another mummy here who has lost their baby, but pleased that we can have a new friend. You mention that you can't have another baby. Hope you don't mind me asking but is that for a physical reason or an emotional/psychological one?

Just thought I'd tell you ladies, that when I was 14 I "named" my future first born daughter Jasmine Viva Thea Tamara Roxette Taurean Star!!!!!! Thank god I changed my mind

Anneme, your post was not self-indulgent. I think you are very right, it need not ruin their lives. Just as it need not ruin ours. My children will be different people now that they have experienced the loss of a sibling. I wouldn't have ever wished it upon them, and it is so very sad that they will never get to be brothers and sisters together, but they will have a compassion and an understanding that others do not have. And I hope they will value life, theirs and others, and make the most of everything good that comes their way. We cannot change death, we cannot cheat death, we cannot go back in time and make it not happen. We are left with a choice, rise or fall.

Anyway, enough for now. Off to the homeopath (in an effort to prevent morning sickness - what are my chances??)

See you all later. Good days all round please!

P.S. Maybe we should get a map, mark us all on it and find a central place and meet up for a jolly. Alternatively, make a date to all sit at our PC's and get bladdered together that way (apart from me who'll be on the (real) apple juice!)

Alisteal · 17/06/2008 16:17

FreedMeNow- Calypso's middle name is pronounced Pie-key-uh. Like Ikea with a pie LOL.

Having Calypso almost killed me, so I've been told by drs for my safety not to have more children. I also have preterm labour issues, so it's likely I'd just have another preemie if I survived through it.

I'm so glad to have found this thread

Vag- my friend has a daughter named Phoenix Fire and a son named Windy Storm LOL

MoveItmoveIt- I have that issue with stores too! We'll go in for one thing and come out having spent abotu $200 LOL

VaginaShmergina · 17/06/2008 16:56

Hi Alisteal, how was your day ?

Are you from across the pond ? Talking in $ and not £.

Fish fingers for tea tonight, cannot lie as was on the phoneto the mighty Shabster when I was putting them under the grill

We know how to live it up, me and the kids !

Alisteal · 17/06/2008 17:18

Yup i'm in the US of A. Originally born in Scotland though.

The day is going ok It's 12:15 pm right now. We just got back from lunch. We're probably going to go on a walk after the post gets here. In our town you don't need a desination when you do walks, you pick a direction and eventually you'll run into a play area or something.

We had a pretty good lunch. The girls are finishing up their biscuits my mil bought them when they ate all their lunch.

The weather is on the cooler side of warm and sunny. So it's a good day for walks.

Tomorrow my dh is off of work and I'm getting a tattoo

VaginaShmergina · 17/06/2008 17:22

Oooooooooooo a rebel in our midst, I have always wanted a tattoo, but never known what or where. What are you gonna have done

I have a friend who is 70 (does not look a day over 50, and behaves like a 20 year old) she wants a tattoo and is trying to conince me to do it.

Small joke

I have a "W" Tattooed on each of my butt cheeks so when I bend over it says "WOW"

VaginaShmergina · 17/06/2008 17:43

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day,drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her
glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter

'Don't forget your Sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.'

'Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women...

your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'

What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married?

Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.

After more than 40 years of living in this world,here is what I've learned:

THIS SAYS IT ALL:

Time passes.

Life happens.

Distance separates.

Children grow up.

Jobs come and go.

Love waxes and wanes.

Men don't do what they're supposed to do.

Hearts break.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget favors.

Careers end.

BUT.........

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the
valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters,
daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers,Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we
would need each other.

Every day, we need each other still.

Alisteal · 17/06/2008 17:54

lol Vag this will be my 3rd tattoo blush

My Mil has a rose tattooed on the top of her breast and hse's 50 LOL

The sisters thing made me cry. it's very true. EVERYONE who comes into our lives leaves their own imprint on our soul. Even if it's just online, or the woman at the hospital who smiles at you. We need people and we all need each other

VaginaShmergina · 17/06/2008 17:58

Watch her girls, she's a biker chick.......

Where's your Harley Ali ?

I found YOUR thread Ali.............

evansmummy · 17/06/2008 18:21

Sorry for not posting before. Have posted on my original thread and just ahven't the energy to be posting in two places at the moment.

Hope you don't mind, I'll try and come back soon.

Thanks for your support thus far. I'm going to need lot more of it. Feel worse today than I have since the first few days after my brother died.

I want him back.

Alisteal · 17/06/2008 18:24

Evansmummy- unfortunately it does get worse. I know for me the first few days I was very numb. And then when that wore off I hurt. My girls are younger but Freja didn't really start mourning Calypso until 3 months after she passed.

LOL I can't afford a Harley, I'm poor Vag. And hugs thank you for your reply on my thread. I keep it saved in a document so I don't have to write it out again. I've not read it since I wrote it in August. I just can't

shabster · 17/06/2008 18:25

Evening ladies

Alisteal - My thoughts and love go out to you. Have just left a message on Calypso's thread. OMG - I have realised for about the 1,000,000th time how lucky we are, as a family, to have had four sons and last week a healthy, beautiful first grandson.

You have made me count my blessings tonight.

Have been singing this since I saw the great name Calypso

OP posts:
Alisteal · 17/06/2008 19:08

John Denver's Calypso is one of her songs. We played it at her funeral.

can I say one thing having Calypso did for me was not to sweat the little stuff. When they took her off the vent, my little 4 lbs baby breathed for 50 minutes without the vent with only 1 lung (her left lung had collapsed that morning)

feedmenow · 17/06/2008 19:52

Evening all!

Evansmummy, don't blame you for not having the energy. Will check your thread shortly and catch up there. Take care of yourself, and lots of love.

Ali, like Ikea but with pie!! I like it! Does it mean something or did you just like the way it sounded? Had you named her before she was born? Sorry to hear that you had health problems How early were your others born? This may be completely inappropriate and not at all relevant but I have a friend of a friend who's 3rd daughter was stillborn at term because of placental abruption, something which had happened in her first 2 pregnancies too, I believe, but which happened a lot more dramatically and fatally in the 3rd. She was seriously ill, on the verge of a hysterectomy, her dp told to expect the worse, etc. When she recovered, they decided that enough was enough and they could not risk ANOTHER placental abruption. However, around a year later she discovered she was pregnant. She said immediately that if her consultant advised a termination then she would terminate. But they didn't. She will have a section in August and, hopefully, all will be well. Like I say, your problems may be totally different and even more serious, but I just wanted to say that there can sometimes be a little bit of unexpected hope. xx

Ali & Vag, I will be getting a tatto soon, my first, for Eris. I have always wanted one but never knew what or where, but now it feels right. I've done a bit of research on where to go (you have to know you're getting a good job when it's for life!) and also on where to have it. I originally wanted a forget-me-not in the palm of my hand, but someone told me that tattoss don't "fix" as well somewher that is used alot - apparently they are best left untouched, etc, as much as possible. So now I plan a f-g-m on my ankle, maybe with a butterfly for rebirth. But the tattooist recommended will apparently discuss and advise. All I need to do now is find the time!!

As for the Sisters thing, how true! I have, in the past, toyed with the idea of some sort of commune for like-minded women. Those that prefer to go out to work could earn the dosh, thoses that are good SAHM's could care for the children. Those that garden could grow the veggies, those that are good with power-tools can do the DIY. And we'd hire ourselves men for certain duties as and when needed! No more toilet seats left up!! No more wet towels on the bedroom floor!! Oh, the bliss!

Oh, just wanted to say, I just cut dp's hair for the first time ever. Used the clippers. May have ballsed it up a bit!! Did OK until we removed the grade bit for me to tidy up the edges, then slipped!! Oopsie!

Alisteal · 17/06/2008 20:06

Calypso isn't my first angel. I've lost 3 others in an early m/c I refuse to get pg again. Freja has Autism and Raeden has severe Asthma and almost died at 4 months old from apnea. Dh isn't alowed to touch me until he gets fixed, he offered, and he agreed.

Paikea is a Maori Legend from New Zealand natives. Paikea rode on the bank of a humpback whale. So we named her Paikea Rhyder Whale Rider. Paikea means humpback whale in Maori

Alisteal · 17/06/2008 20:07

Ride on the BACK not Bank, sorry my dh was chatting at me on the phone and I typoed lol

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.