How long did you take off from work when your parents died?

[pinkcupbluelid]

Just that really, I nursed DF through end of life and was present when he died. His death was unexpected. My DM died when I was a toddler. I have sunk into depression and been referred to Therapy from my healthcare provider.
Been off from work 3 weeks and I intend on taking another 3, so I can focus on my own mental health. I feel guilty for not working, although I have full pay and DW supports my decision 100%. For clarity I work in the public sector, my job is very intense.

TIA.

I was far closer to my grandmother than my parents. All my life it was she who supported me. I worked for the LA so leave was unpaid for grandparents. I began to tell my boss that I would not be applying for leave. I would simply arrive about 1 hour late for my shift the day of the funeral. Before I could properly explain he made a tasteless remark. I later left him a note saying how angry and upset I felt at his callous and unprofessional behaviour.

The day of the funeral I got in work 45 minutes late. I was dressed completely in black. My boss said "Dont forget you have to make up the time." Next morning I rang in and reported sick to the boss' boss. I told him I was taking 2 days unpaid leave. The big boss immediately granted me the leave as paid and to let his secretary know if I needed further time off. I later heard that he gave my boss a real telling off down the phone. I also asked for a transfer to another location on personal grounds. I had to wait 2 months. In all that time I never addressed one word to my boss that was not strictly required by the job. Any attempt on his part at social chitchat and I walked away. I never forgave him or spoke to him again other than in a "business" capacity.

I never made up the time.

Sorry for your loss I took two months off - luckily fully paid & I have a very responsible job that could cost lives if I fucked up. I just didn't feel able to face it before then. Everyone is different, my Mum and my Brother went back to work a week after he died. Do what is best for you.

They're is no one answer to this of course. When my dad died I only took a couple of days off, plus the funeral. But my mum was still with us and there wasn't a huge amount to be done.

When my mum died, I was retired and didn't grieve at all. But she left behind such an incredible mess of massive debt, property, a houseful of a mix of junk and precious things, and a hideous legal situation, that had I still been working, I'd have had to resign. 20 months on and it's still not over.

I'm so sorry for your loss, as you clearly loved your parent very much. But dealing with the post death stuff is added stress on top of very real grief, so see your doctor and take what time you need. Don't get sucked into comparing your leave with others' or feeling guilty.

Kindly, why have you challenged the same comment twice? The bereavement thread on MN has always been a kind, supportive place. Please continue that spirit ❤️

3 days. Spent 36 hours in the hospital. 3 days compassionate leave was the policy for a close relative. Plus the day of the funeral.

Depends very much on your job. In many employment situations you have to be back within days, often before the funeral or you’ll have no job to come back to. Dick leave and more so compassionate leave is a luxury only those in the public sector and perhaps blue chip/legacy companies get. My dh was back the following Monday, there was no option

I couldn't get the day off for my grandmother's funeral. It was in the afternoon and they said that I could make it if I did half day. I arrived after she was interred, my family standing at the graveside. I've never forgiven them.

I was in the public sector. A teacher. So I got three days bereavement leave.

However, when my husband died, my GP signed me off, so I was on sick leave after the three days.

I'm pretty sure that at this point, OP is signed off on sick leave health, not bereavement leave

5 days. Max my employer allowed.

my mother had dementia and was in a care home. I was called in as she had had a fit. The nurse said she would have another fit and pass a way that night. I sat there for about 5 hours, then she started snoring. The nurse said the immediate crisis had passed. But she was end stage and could pass away at any moment. I went into work at 7 am every day, worked through until 3 then went to her bedside, where I stayed until bedtime. I did that for 4 months. I was utterly exhausted. When she did pass away, I had one weeks bereavement leave and then took 2 weeks leave. I had every intention of going back to work then but the day after the funeral I had the worst migraine ever and it lasted for 3 days straight. I saw my gp who said it was a bereavement reaction and my body was sending me a message to just STOP and rest. He was right. I was signed off for 2 weeks and basically slept.

That’s right, I am signed off - the GP suggested 3 months at the MH assessment but I said I would judge it on a weekly basis, it’s been 3 weeks now. I’m really so sorry for your loss x

I was officially allowed 3 days special leave when my mum died. It was nowhere near long enough for me so I asked my GP to sign me off for 2 weeks, which he did and offered to renew the sick note if I felt I needed more time. I felt able to go back after 2 weeks as I liked my job and worked with kind and supportive people, so I think it was good for me to be back.

I was on maternity leave, so I was lucky enough to not need to return for about 6 months, I ended up not returning at all, but had I needed to take leave it would definitely had been weeks rather than days, it totally broke me. I think it is such a personal thing, and everyone reacts differently, please don’t feel guilty, you must look after yourself and take time to deal with your grief.

Civil Servant here. I manage a large team. When mum died very suddenly (and only 61) I took 5 days special leave then another 5 annual leave.
I am very much in the minority. Some of my team have taken months after losing a parent. I don’t really understand why they can’t cope with work and I expect they wouldn’t understand how I could. It’s nothing to do with the relationship really. We all just face things differently.

4 days for me. No reflection on my grief, more a reflection on my financial situation. Needs must

I am a teacher and I went back the next day.
In my early 30s and a sudden death. I had two days for the funeral.
We all do things differently. You have to see what feels the right thing for you.

My Dad died suddenly and if you’d asked me before it happened I would absolutely have told you I’d have been back to work asap. Now I know no amount of time of enough.

F, one day, for the funeral.

For DM, a day to organise the funeral and a day for the funeral itself.

I was 44 and expecting my only child. My dm was unaware I was pregnant, I had an amnio the day before the funeral. I'd planned to tell dm about the baby as soon as I knew the result, but she died never knowing.

I was supposed to be resting after the amnio but funerals don't involve much sitting still. Then my boss wanted me back the following morning. It was a tough few days. The IT industry isn't generally very understanding.

My DH was working at sea when his DF died. No time off at all. Tough, very tough but life goes on however hard.

Everyone's circumstances are different, there's no one-size -fits -all to coping with bereavement. Work, family, grief, it's all down to one's own situation. No judgement, just getting through.

I took 2 weeks when my dad died and then another 3 days around the funeral

Honestly I needed to be back at work and back in routine. My work were very good though and did a phased return in terms of workload for me.
I knew being off longer wouldn't help me and would end up worse as no structure. My dad also wouldn't want him to be the reason for me being off.

I don't think there is a right or a wrong though and is very dependent on the person.

So sorry for everyone’s losses.
As others have said, we are all different and everyone deals with things in their own way and according to their circumstances.
When my father died, I worked 4 days a week and made sure my week day off was the one for his funeral. My job at the time did not pay if I didn’t work and I had young children to support so I didn’t take time off. Although this would not suit everyone, I actually think this helped me and it was very much how my father lived his life.

@Scottishskifun we wrote very similar posts at the same time! 🙌🏼

1 day