This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

The Royal Mail has confirmed that DH's son has received the packet of correspondence from WW1 and WW2 (plus other missives) so at least that's done.

It's taken me 5 years to get all that done, partly because I'm no longer in touch with the DH's kids - or rather, they're no longer in touch with me. Okay, I admit it - part of it was because I didn't want to let go of the letter where my MIL mentions playing 'puff puff' with 'the baby', my husband. I have a scan of it and they can decide whether or not they want to keep the letter and other correspondence.

I sent separate parcels of the framed photographs of the kids and grandchild which were hanging up on the living room wall. I'm hoping that they don't think that I'm being snotty, but there's no point in displaying pictures of people who don't want contact and I don't have the heart to bin them.

The covering letter just said that the photographs were arriving in separate parcels and they've been delivered. I'd forgotten about DH's cufflinks previously, so they've gone to his son.

Duty done.

@WearyAuldWumman i hope having done your duty you feel lighter. I feel I am in a similar situation or possibly heading for it with one of my step children but am trying hard not to get too sad about it. It may just be grief of me being a reminder that their dad is gone but oh boy does it hurt. only time will tell and everyone keeps telling me to not give up on keeping in touch.

there are some things that losing a loved one you expect and some things that appear out of nowhere and catch you so unawares.

my most difficult thing is that I wanted to do something recently DH and my family did every year but it didn’t happen last year as his passing was so close. my own family has decided they can’t be involved because they still don’t feel they’ve grieved DH and by being part of what I want to do is too difficult. Found that truly gob smackingly sad. I am going alone now. They think I’m not going and at a guess they think that that trip is over.

sunshine and daffodils today and hopefully a short walk in warmer air as yesterday was quite cold 💐💐💐

I'm glad that you're still going on your trip, @Hisredipad , but sorry that they're not going with you.

I think that there's a phenomenon whereby the children sometimes cannot understand that - difficult though it is for them - it's that much harder for the spouse left behind.

Yes, and they’ll only know when the unfortunate happens to them.

(it’s my parents that are not coming on the holiday, who haven’t yet grieved 🙁)

Had a cancer counselling session today, she’s very good, unpicked a lot of stuff for me and helped me see the wood for the trees and ive made some tentative decisions on things I am going to do (and not) over the next three months. There’s going to be a few surprised people but I am putting ME first (finally)
Xxx

Hello, I just wanted to pop on to say hi and keep you company while you can’t get out and about@Hisredipad. My head is mush still and I can’t keep track of what’s been said, but I do want to acknowledge the friendship and support that I’ve had from this thread. I have still been reading.
I love the idea of a barbecue for those who have been there for you. It must feel surreal realising all that you’ve been through.
I’m really glad the cancer counselling session is helping. I’ve found family reactions very strange and feel very lonely, but in my case I guess I know they’re doing their best. It’s just not what I need.
@WearyAuldWumman I hope you’ve had some relief from sending your DH’s things to his children. I know it’s been hard.
It’s coming up to a year for me and I manage to put on a pretty good game face, but inside I’m just about clinging on. This pain really is like nothing I could imagine.
Sending support to everyone on here and a thank you to @Hisredipad for creating it.

Sending hugs @Sunshineandbluesky .

@Sunshineandbluesky , sending you massive virtual hugs, we will come out the other side like butterflies into sunshine, the warmth feeding us better.
I did an online relaxation with Penny Brohn on Wednesday 5pm ish. Thoroughly recommend it xxxx

@Hisredipad well done for dealing with probate things, and for sorting out the pond pump! And I think going in the shed, even briefly, is a massive step - you've taken that first step so at some point you will be able to do a bit more. The barbecue idea is lovely. Sorry your parents have let you down a bit - hope your outing is enjoyable and meaningful for you x

@WearyAuldWumman sorting out those letters and photos was definitely an achievement - hopefully you will feel a bit lighter knowing it's done and they're not sitting there reminding you of their presence all the time.

@Sunshineandbluesky just sending massive hugs. I found the approach of the anniversary far harder than I expected, so please be kind to yourself, and maybe let at least some people around you know that you're only just about clinging on, even if just to lower people's expectations of you right now xxx

Sending huge hugs to all on this thread; it's been lovely to be able to share my grief and a privilege to share yours. But especially to @Hisredipad and @WearyAuldWumman ,who've been here since the beginning.

@Sunshineandbluesky I well remember the first anniversary coming up for me and the slow change from sharp all-encompassing pain to the deep, chronic ache which sits inside you, unignorable and takes over every moment that you're not busy - especially around 2.00 a.m. More hugs for you

Happy Easter everyone

i hope the sunshine’s shining wherever you are, a bit dim down south but glimpses of the sun trying to break through.

been up since 6am, yawn, couldn’t get back to sleep so had a hot cross bun in memory of DH who’d eat them all year round and a cup of tea.

Happy Easter all. I have managed to have an initial chat with a counselor and am waiting for a face to face appointment, which I really hope will help. But I have just been completely overwhelmed by seeing a FB post of our first house which is up for sale by the people we sold it to. It has triggered all the memories, it was where our children were brought up, the first home we’d bought together, scene of some fabulous parties and so on, and I am so sad now. I had a good day yesterday with a friend at the Schiaparelli exhibition and was feeling more upbeat and now I am back crying, it’s so bloody awful.

You are all an inspiration to me, your posts, sympathy and good advice do make me feel that I can do this but it’s so hard and relentless at the moment.

My beloved husband Gary died on Wednesday. He had metastatic bowel cancer that had spread to his lungs, liver and lymph nodes. He went into a hospice on Monday because he was struggling to breathe and contracted pneumonia, and it took him down in less than 48 hours. He was only 46 years old. He was the absolute love and light of my life. We knew he didn't have long left, but we thought he had a few more weeks. How do you go on when your true love and best friend, your companion in everything is suddenly gone forever? He wasn't ready to go. I found a video message to me on his phone and was sobbing, telling me how much he loved me and that we will be together again one day, and to still talk to him every day and include him in the things me and our daughter do. The wrongness of him being gone feels horrific. And for the first time in my life I am looking forward to my own death. I keep wondering what we would have been doing right now if he had never got cancer. What a beautiful life we could have had together. It all might have been so different if he'd had symptoms before it spread. How do you survive this and go on?

Oh @Magicpaintbrush we're all so so sorry. Your poor husband. You're in an awful situation now - we're here and you can say whatever you want or need to here. Lean on those around you. It does slowly get more bearable, but there will be lots of ups and downs ahead. You carry on because that's all you can do. My heart goes out to you xxx

@Magicpaintbrush

I am so very sorry. I agree with @atiaofthejulii: you survive because you have to, even though it seems impossible.

At the moment, you'll be concentrating on supporting your daughter but I hope that you have others around who can support you.

The night after I lost my husband, I needed to speak to someone and phoned The Samaritans. The young woman at the end of the phone was a huge help.

I’m so sorry @Magicpaintbrush, there are no words that can make it easier, my heart goes out to you and your daughter at this terrible time.

I'm sorry you've had to join us, @Magicpaintbrush . All I can say is, please don't think too far ahead. Just try to get through one minute at a time.

Magicpaintbrush
... sending a hand hold x

Oh @Magicpaintbrush I’m so so sorry. I too just did minute by minute, telling myself that all I had to do was breathe. Nothing I can say can make it better I know. My son has kept me going, having to get up for him in the morning. We understand and you can say how you feel here. Sending love from a stranger.

Thank you for being so kind. I'm so sad that so many of us find ourselves in the same boat, I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I feel like the light I had inside me died with him. Now the world feels joyless and colourless and pointless. I feel like the rest of my life will just be killing time and treading water until I can be with him again. And if that's what life has become then what's the point. I know he wouldn't want that for me, and I still have our daughter who has always been the centre of our world and will continue to be, and I will carry on for her, but I don't think my light will ever come back the way it was before, if that even makes any sense. I feel angry with God and the universe, not only for taking him away and wrecking our family, but for allowing him to suffer, because he did suffer. He suffered for two years with chemo and then his last month he just got worse and worse, every day was a torment. He couldn't breathe properly and was plagued by a relentless cough that caused agonising pain in his back. He so weak. Every meal was an ordeal. And at the hospice he was so agitated. He fought it right up until the last ten minutes when his breathing started to fail. How could God let that happen to such a good, decent, beautiful man? How can God allow something as despicable as cancer to exist? I don't understand. Gary was put on this earth to do good. He honestly did so much good and helped so many people. He was a police inspector. I was so proud of him. He was hilariously funny, and so thoughtful. He didn't deserve what happened to him.

I don't understand why these things happen. I don't understand how this has happened to me, or to you and your daughter. I still often feel quite bewildered by it all.

He sounds like a truly lovely man. I'm so sorry he's gone xxx

@Magicpaintbrush i am so deeply sorry to hear you’re joining us. Your pain is one that joins us all together and you can come here as much as you want.

grief is all encompassing. Your days will muddle and drift along for a while, daily life will but in and occasionally help. Please do talk to people, your doctor, the Samaritans if need be. We all need a friendly ear to listen to us to help navigate our emotional distress.

please take time for yourself and your daughter, unfortunately life changes beyond recognition when we lose a loved one. I felt I became half a whole 16 months ago but I have very slowly and with some blips along the way become whole again. (Not very good at remembering to put dishwasher on which was always DH’s end of the day job).

sending you virtual hugs 💐💐💐

Thank you for your kindness. I wish I could take away the pain for everybody this has happened to.

My sister came over today and we watched videos of DH. Prior to losing him I thought I would find it too painful to do that, but have found the reverse to be true - seeing him on screen made it feel more like he was here. I still keep expecting him to walk through the door, but where he used to be there is silence. I saw him die, but my brain still won't believe it.

I need to share something, because I'm wondering if anybody else has experienced the following; about 18 months before my DH was diagnosed I had a conversation with my mum in which I told her that I had an intuition that he was going to get cancer. I had tge same conversation with my Nan on a separate occasion. Then he did. In addition, my husband later told me that he would lie in bed and try to imagine his future and all he could see was blackness and that there was nothing there. And previous to all of this I would wake at night and be unable to sleep because I feared he would die - that went on for over a decade prior to his illness. I genuinely believe that on some level we both knew he was going to die, before he was diagnosed but I don't know how we knew it. We didn't know the details or specifics, only an uneasy feeling that something terrible was coming. It honestly feels like it was pre-ordained, like it had been decided in advance. And I don't know why. Has anybody else experienced anything like that?

I thought that I was going to lose DH when he was taken to hospital with an acute kidney injury - and I think that he thought the same. The ambulance men dropped him as they loaded him in and therefore they closed the door and I couldn't see in. I banged on the door, not knowing what had happened and they opened up. I shouted "I love you!" to him.

He did make it home. However two or three months later - I can't remember exactly - he died of a heart attack.

I'm so very sorry, that's awful, just awful.

@Magicpaintbrush can I add my condolences to everyone else's? I'm so sorry to see you here around our table...

Also, to echo others, you don't even begin to think about 'going on'. You think about enduring the next 5 minutes, about breathing, about forcing a little food down you, about taking a few steps outside your front door (or even your back door, into your garden). Try to believe in change. You're in an impossible situation now, and there is no way out, no relief in sight. But hold tight and believe that nothing in life stays the same for ever.

You talk about your husband and you having some form of premonition. My wife, long before she died thought that her life would be short; a view that, in my opinion arose because she went through a few losses over a relatively short period of time: her mum, her brother, her father and then the father of her children. I don't think that was any knowledge - it was just a pessimism brought about by what, in my mind, was a run of bad luck. Whatever; I think you should cling to anything that helps you get through your grief. If it helps, use it. Equally, if it doesn't, discard it.

Sending you hand holds, empathy and cups of tea