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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

This is life (after passing of DH)

1000 replies

Hisredipad · 04/04/2025 23:25

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

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frostyfingers · 24/04/2026 22:58

@unluckynumber7 if you can’t talk to anyone you know it might help to write it here maybe. I cried (& continue to cry ) a lot in the shower, sometimes just sitting on the floor for ages. It helped a bit as I didn’t have to be quiet or worry about anyone coming in.

Sunshineandbluesky · 25/04/2026 09:04

@unluckynumber7 it is incredibly hard. I actually rang the Samaritans; something I never thought I’d have to do. They were incredibly kind and did get me through that moment.
I also told myself one minute at a time.
The doctor also gave me medication to help. Again that was essential to get me through.
It did help me to have someone else around in the house. Is there anyone who can do that for you?
How are you managing with your daughter?
Sending so much support. X

unluckynumber7 · 25/04/2026 09:33

Thank you, my daughter was having a sleepover at my mums last night. I took some propranolol in the end which helped. That was the worst I’ve felt so far. I’d had a couple of drinks (nothing excessive) but I think they actually made me feel worse instead of numbing things like I’d hoped.

Emptyandsad · 25/04/2026 10:17

Oh @unluckynumber7 I know how hard it is. Hang on in there; things change

If it helps, talk to us here about your husband. We'd love to hear about him

ThisHazelPombear · 25/04/2026 12:33

Alcohol never helped me either.

WearyAuldWumman · 25/04/2026 14:50

I too phoned the Samaritans and I was prescribed Diazepam. The lowest dose, but it helped.

ThisHazelPombear · 25/04/2026 15:31

Wish I’d kept dhs from his eol drugs. It was only 2mg but the pharmacist made such a fuss about him having it.

Magicpaintbrush · 28/04/2026 17:43

It's DH's funeral tomorrow. Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. I keep swinging between distraught and angry. Watching videos of him so I can hear his voice, see his face and mannerisms. I talk to him aloud but don't know if he can hear me. I used to think that when you feel really ill you feel trapped inside your body and want to climb out of it and start again - that's how I feel about my life, like I'm trapped inside it with this terrible unchangeable loss and I want to climb out and start again, with him. I don't know how to live without love and touch. And when I think about everything he has lost, and all the pain and discomfort he went through that's another level of pain altogether. The misery he went through with his stoma bag, or trying to get down a few spoons of breakfast, or towards the end trying to get up the stairs. And the relentless fucking cough that just wouldn't leave him alone. If there is a God I think we are just ants underfoot. I think I'm supposed to find joy in other things like gardening or whatever, but it just feels grey and hollow. He was the life and soul, the funniest man in the room, a beautiful singing voice, such a kind heart. I'll never understand why he was taken away. It's all senseless. We are just ants.

Original poster
Hisredipad · 28/04/2026 18:19

@unluckynumber7 i hope you feel better even if only a tiny bit. Just keep coming here and chatting or shouting if need be.

I can’t really remember what got me through now but do remember being absolutely wiped out by it all xx

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Original poster
Hisredipad · 28/04/2026 18:22

@Magicpaintbrush I can identify with the way you feel at the moment. There seems a little point in lots of things and you do wonder how on earth you will cope with the here and now and tomorrow.

But you do. Day by day. Bit.By bit you will slowly come out the other side. I can’t promise you, Sunshine and Roses round the door but at some point it lifts a bit and then it lifts a bit more. Then there are days when you drop drastically back and you start all over again. I suppose what I’m trying to say is we feel your pain and we send you our love and support and know that you can come here and just put whatever you need to. But if after having done that, you don’t feel the slightest bit better then please try and reach out in real life.

We will all be thinking about you tomorrow 💐💐💐

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WearyAuldWumman · 28/04/2026 18:25

@Magicpaintbrush

@Hisredipad expressed it better than I could. I remember just trying to get through the funeral. I hope that you have people there with in you real life.

As Hisredipad said, we will all be thinking of you.

Sunshineandbluesky · 28/04/2026 19:21

Oh @Magicpaintbrush I completely echo what @Hisredipad and @WearyAuldWumman have said. I’m sending you all the support tomorrow.
It is senseless, our lovely kind husbands and partners just taken away.
We’ve been there, we understand. You’re not alone.

Magicpaintbrush · 28/04/2026 20:48

Thank you all for being so kind. This hurts so much. To have love and then have it taken away. We were together for 22 years but the last 5 years we were closer than we'd ever been, long before he got ill, we were in such a good place. The initial shock is wearing off now and the pain is excruciating. I just want him to put his arms around me.

frostyfingers · 28/04/2026 21:55

Wishing you strength for tomorrow @Magicpaintbrush

unluckynumber7 · 28/04/2026 22:22

@Magicpaintbrushwill be thinking of you tomorrow and sending virtual supportive hugs

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 29/04/2026 06:25

@Magicpaintbrush thinking of you today too. Think of us all as a band of widows supporting you through today.

Mischance · 29/04/2026 06:29

Magicpaintbrush
Thinking of you today. Sending a handhold.

Original poster
Hisredipad · 29/04/2026 08:30

@Magicpaintbrush Thinking of you on your very sad and difficult day. Sending you virtual hugs 💐💐💐

OP posts:
Magicpaintbrush · 29/04/2026 10:04

Thank you all xxx

Magicpaintbrush · 30/04/2026 15:11

DH's funeral went perfectly, it was beautiful, exactly what he would have wanted. About 200 people came. Lots of people came up to me with stories about him, people who hadn't seen each other for years reconnected which I know he would have loved - and, my husband believed that robins were special and had some sort of connection to those who have passed - a robin flew into the marquee where we were having the wake and started flying around. So it couldn't have gone any better.

But now it's over the road ahead feels like an endless no man's land of emptiness. Every day the pain of missing him gets worse. I am still completely in love with him, I always will be. The absence of love, intimacy, connection, touch feels horrific. How have you all survived this? It's utter agony. I have flashbacks of him holding me in his arms and it's like a punch in the gut. The most beautiful man I ever saw, so brave, so kind, gone forever. I feel trapped in my own life. I just want to follow him to where he's gone.

Mischance · 30/04/2026 16:41

It is a real tribute to his worth that so many people were there for his funeral and it sounds as though it could not have gone better. Well done for organising such a lovely occasion for him in spite of the underlying sadness.

I know that the future seems hard to imagine at the moment. It really is a matter of taking things one day/hour at a time and building a new meaningful life without him. You will get there but it is of course a bumpy road. Don't think too far ahead at the moment.

One of the things I look back on (it is 6 years) is the feeling that I was so numb I could not encompass the sorrow of my DDs too. It is only now that I realise that I could have drawn more comfort from them, and them from me. I hope you and your DD can support each other - it is a different sort of grief to losing a partner but grief nevertheless and I hope that you can help each other now.

It feels so cruel to love so much and see it snatched away. One day you will treasure the happy memories of being so loved, but it is very early days. Be kind to yourself and do not ask too much of yourself. You need time to begin to heal before you can find a new way of living.

Take care

unluckynumber7 · 01/05/2026 18:23

I’m so glad the funeral went perfectly @MagicpaintbrushThe robin is just wonderful, what a comfort to see that. I have a robin visit me in our garden almost every day, I truly believe they are a sign from our loved ones.

Sending you strength and solidarity in this time following the funeral, I imagine you must be feeling utterly lost.

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud · 04/05/2026 14:31

Hello. I’ve been lurking on this thread and so much of what you say resonates with me. I’ve been trying to follow Richard E Grant’s thing of finding a pocketful of happiness in every day, but it’s a struggle.

WearyAuldWumman · 04/05/2026 15:09

Hello @ComeIntoTheGardenMaud .

It’s been 5 yrs for me and I find that I tend to stumble on them rather than actively seeking them.

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