This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

We buried my sister yesterday. It was an emotional day: lots of tears shed, memories shared, and we gave her a good send off.

It's an end of an era; she was the glue that held our family together

@Emptyandsad sending your virtual hugs at a difficult time. I worry that the loss of DH is a loss of family glue too. There have been changes already and there’s more coming in changed annual visits later in the year. I’m not surprised but I’m sad too. I will continue to make my own efforts to see everyone.

@WearyAuldWumman i hope sorting your tooth isn’t too traumatic. I quite like the list to work too, I did a lot of electronic dejunking when I threw about thirty 3.5inch ‘floppy’ disk, but kept 10, wondered why on earth would I do such a thing with nothing to read them on, I still need to bin them 🤦‍♀️

I may have a change in my diary tomorrow giving me a rare day off. I think if that’s the case I’ll do something positive towards moving on.

Treasure the memories. Sending kindest thoughts to you.

@Emptyandsad Thinking of you. It must be so difficult going through this again.

@Hisredipad I too have difficulty getting rid of all of something, illogical though it is. (Don't ask about the old computers...)

I've just discovered some more VHS tapes. I actually bought a cheap second-hand VHS player 4 years ago, so that I could check tapes before chucking them out. There was one that I'd nearly thrown in the bin - a frankly quite dire concert that my accordion group had been in.

My OCD kicked in and I fast forwarded through it...only to see DH singing on stage. I've had that transferred to an electronic format.

Looks like I have some more tapes to check now, though I'm not expecting anything exciting.

I've just come across two very bad identical photographs of our wedding cake. At this stage, I know I'm only going to be able to throw out one of them. Daft, I know.

I think that the tooth can be extracted under a local. The main issue is the waiting time. Someone advised me to use the Spire in Edinburgh...they want £2.5 k for a surgical extraction under local anaesthetic. Nope.

I'll hang fire and wait for the NHS. If it gets to be problematic, however, I've discovered that the local private surgical dentist can do it for £700 - a much better price and no need to travel to and from Edinburgh.

If I can wait for the NHS, then I'll do that. Worst case scenario would be paying £100 for taxis to and from Dunfermline, but I suspect that I can just drive or get the bus. I'm lucky that I can afford to pay the £700 for private treatment if need be, but I'd use the money towards house repairs.

Up late tonight because I had some minor medical stuff to deal with. Just aches and pains - sorted now. Heading to bed.

I'm impressed with those of you who are trying to declutter. Well done.
January feels particularly bleak this year. I must have been busy the last few Januaries and not noticed it before.
I feel unable to do much, even though there's much to do. Maybe it's depression, as I just can't be bothered.
But I'm looking forward to the longer days and digging in the allotment in the sun.

The longer days do help, I find.

You might not be able to drive after a wisdom tooth extraction, dh had one and was in a right state. It was triple rooted and they knocked a hole into his sinus getting it out. He looked like he’d had a stroke due to swelling and despite stitches bled for ages.

@Emptyandsad It is surprising how one person can hold everything together without ever knowing their doing it.

Thanks, @ThisHazelPombear . If I have to, I can take a taxi in and the bus back. (Early morning appointments can be problematic for the local buses.)

I was okay to drive when I had the other two pulled, but they were the right way up and had partially come through far enough that my regular dentist was able to get a decent grip. (In fact, I went straight back to work with one of them... only to discover that my cheeky bugger of a prone to skiving HoD line manager had put a formal complaint in to my heidie. My heidie told me to ignore her.)

The cheeky cow line manager was also the union rep!

The tooth had broken under the drill the afternoon before - I'd booked that appointment for after school. The HoD had complained: "Should staff not be organising appointments outwith school hours?" with regard to the emergency appointment.

I was quite young at the time. Had anyone tried that with me once I had a bit more experience under my belt...

It’s still wet and grey outside, but I had a lovely day yesterday visiting the youngest DGC who is an absolute giggle and definitely makes everything feel better.

I had a very productive day on Friday visiting a couple of building societies in town and was really heartened to find that the bereavement process of sorting out the final bits of paperwork with the grant of probate form was actually fairly easy to do. I had been dreading it. So a couple of nice big ticks on my spreadsheet of the final things I need to sort out.

it’s what I call rubbish rubbish day tomorrow, I think the floppy discs are going in the rubbish rubbish.

I hope you are all having a restful weekend and that ongoing life is brighter xxxx

Sounds like a good weekend. I managed to hire a handyman to do a few jobs around the house, such as fixing a few door hinges. - it feels good to not worry about those tasks now.

Today is a year since DH died. I just take life a week at a time now, I can’t look too far ahead.

The anniversaries hit hard and it's hardest at the beginning. As a friend said to me when I was at the same stage, it's very early for you - be kind to yourself.

@MissMarplesGoddaughter sending you virtual hugs, you are just a few weeks behind me. 💐💐💐

It's so strange. It's over 5 years now since my wife died. It seems so long ago that our life together is starting to feel like a myth. A story of a time of unreal happiness that bears no relation to my life any more

I feel like this some of the time. At other times, it's as though it all just happened.

I dreamt about DH last night, and while dreaming I had no notion at all that he'd died.

No me neither @MissMarplesGoddaughter, what is the point when you can be dead in no time.

@Emptyandsad, I hate it that we had no choice to be launched into this life of so much difference, knowing we can never have back what we had before, whilst trying to make sense in the here and now.

And it’s the most unexpected reminders that catch you out about how much you miss their daily presence. Waking up forgetting they’ve gone is the hardest thing I’ve suffered. Fortunately it doesn’t happen so much now but it’s not a good start to the day when it does. 💐💐💐💐

The weirdest one that I had was when I had had an excruciatingly painful procedure. Went to bed when I got home and was certain that I could hear DH's footsteps, coming to check on me.

It's incredible how time can be so elastic - both contracting and stretching, often simultaneously

I miss my wife, I miss our life together...and I miss me

I miss it all too. I've been struggling this week, feeling "triggered" by every little thing.

Just dropping in to say I get it totally. I miss him and me and us and life. To look further than next week terrifies me. The future, all those years ahead, terrifies me. I wonder why it happens to some people and not to others. I know I’ve said it before but I think that life and love are a cruel fraud designed to hurt us. But I keep getting up, looking after my child, working. Looking like a normal person. Actually that’s not true, I look very rough!

I thought the anniversary wouldn't be too bad because I'd been so dreading our birthdays. But I've been going through all the lasts again this last 3 or 4 weeks. My boyfriend was an alcoholic and things were deteriorating - I didn't actually know how bad his drinking was, but I instinctually knew there was a problem which he had to address and I just couldn't be part of it. I desperately hoped that things would improve, but I told him I needed to step back from our relationship while he was doing the work. So recently I've had the anniversaries of the last nice weekend we spent together, and then of the last time I saw him, on Sunday. That was really difficult, I've been a wreck for days, cried at work which I hate.

I think will always on some level feel that his death was my fault, that I should have been able to save him. Even though I know that that's nonsense.

Oh Atia...I feel the same way. I should have known she was ill, should have spotted it somehow, should have reacted differently when she was diagnosed...even though I know that nothing I did would have made a difference. I feel that I was inadequate.

When we got married her niece said to me "I hope you know how lucky you are and that you will look after her well"; and I feel I failed her reasonable request.

We always feel that we could/should have done more. That's normal. We all find ourselves replaying things.

Sending you virtual hugs @atiaofthejulii, im 13 months in now, and some of it’s been a lot harder recently than I’d have imagined but then I didn’t expect to find myself in some places I ended up in talking about DH and how it all came to an end.

I don’t think the awful weather helps either, I’ve got the heated blanket out again and put it on the sofa 💐💐💐💐