This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

I think that the one certainty in life is change. Everything changes; sometimes in ways we anticipate but often in completely unexpected ways.

So I have felt, and continue to feel, that my meaningful life is over since the death of my DW. I can't imagine enjoyable life without her; I've tried dating, and it is just ridiculous. So my life is largely going through the motions.

But I do cling to the possibility of change. I try to make myself do things: big train journeys; long, multi-day cycle trips; through-hiking in the mountains...just because I hope that 'putting myself out there' will, in some unknown way, re-awaken something in me, open things up to the possibility of something happening.

It hasn't yet. And it requires commitment and effort on my part which are hard to summon up. But the alternative is sitting on my sofa watching daytime TV and waiting for death, and I won't do that. I'd love to have my wife back but, perhaps even more, I'd love to have the old me back. The one who was confident and energetic and optimistic and funny and full of joy and hope for the future

@EmptyandsadI don’t know exactly why, but your reply really moved me.
@atiaofthejulii I totally agree with the ‘you’re so brave’. I’ve had to say I’m not, I’ve just got no choice - without losing my temper.
@frostyfingers I echo every word.
@MissMarplesGoddaughter I’m not even a year in but the ‘he’s not coming back’ is hitting me hard now. My only advice is counselling and walking walking walking - in nature if possible.
I’ve never made a vision board before and it might be a load of twaddle, but I’m trying everything I possibly can. It’s not very positive but has reminders for me to be kind and gentle to myself, not to expect too much from myself, to be slow and have no expectations, to just breathe, to find joy in tiny things, to rest, to keep things simple. No pressure to ‘heal’ or to feel better.
I’m petrified and am shocked I’m still alive, so maybe these reminders can help me get through one day at a time.

I’d like to join you please - whilst I don’t really belong here, I don’t belong anyway else.
DP has lived in a nursing home for nearly 3 years - major brain damage has caused awful disabilities- no physical ability other than able to swallow, has been bed or chair bound all that time, doesn’t speak, has no facial expressions, no obvious recognition of anyone. Fading away but no prognosis of how long that will last….

So I have had to do most things that would have been needed if he had died, I have had to manage all our affairs, dispose of most of his possessions, now live alone, am a widow in every way, bar I have to visit someone who looks vaguely like he did.

And of course other people find this too difficult to deal with and have no idea what to say to me.

So many of the issues you discuss on this thread really resonate with me and I feel for you all dealing with them.

I'm sorry @Yellowsox. I've known a few people in your position and it's really hard. It was the same for my next-door neighbour.

Towards the end, her husband was transferred to a hospital. The bus service was really bad, so I gave her a lift a few times. (I was retired and a widow by then.)

One time I told her son that I was happy to give him a lift too. My reasoning was that he could support his Mum. "Oh no. I don't like to see my dad looking like that..."

It didn't seem to occur to him that his Mum might need him.

Are you having to do everything on your own @Yellowsox ?

Oh @Yellowsox , I'm so sorry, that is really tough. You're very welcome here

@Yellowsox hello and welcome and I’m so sorry to read your post, life can be so tough. I’m new to this group and have found nothing but kindness and support.

@Yellowsox That's tough, I have a friend going through similar and I know she finds it very hard, we chat a lot about the awfulness of it all. I hope you have some support.

Thank you all, yes I do have support, family and friends, though I do feel some friends are “moving on” a bit now.
I am trying to rebuild my life now. Most of our friends were couples, but it has been so long since DP was able to be their friend that I am not always included in the way we would have been.

I’m sorry @Yellowsox, that’s so hard x

Oh @Yellowsox I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’ve glad you’ve found us even though it’s awful that we’re all here.

I had a huuuge cleaning session before surgery and then bought a robotic vacuum cleaner which I must admit is very good, so hopefully all will be ok in January. Aiming on getting some help with the house but the kids have said they will come and do stuff I need doing.

@Yellowsox so sorry to hear about your DH and life, I can’t imagine how hard that must be. One of the reasons I started this post was I failed to find one that fitted what I wanted to say (rant sometimes).

you’re very welcome, never feel you can’t say what you want to say, everyone here is very supportive, sometimes we lurk and say nothing, sometimes we have a good long chat, sometimes we don’t say a lot and then other times it’s very busy.

it’s good to be able to say to strangers (that become friends, because that’s how I feel about everyone who partakes positively) how you feel, not to be judged, but to be supported. 💐💐💐

And there I am 365+ days of being a widow. Currently stuck on the sofa due to after effects of surgery not feeling great and pondering life onwards and writing lists of what I need to do.

I really feel like I could do with an injection of energy, Christmas Decs half down, office in a mess, cant be bothered to make a proper meal again. The awful weathers not helping although we seem to have missed it here other than the rain by the sounds of it.

im allowing myself a wallow for half an hour then im going to try getting on and do some of the simple jobs, think I might go to local cafe lunchtime for something nice and a change of scenery.

Yes, getting out helps.

I'm only a few days out of the 5th anniversary. I was thankful when the gym re-opened so that I could get out and see people.

I do agree that going out to the cafe is a good idea - I found/still find that it helped/helps.

I'm hunkering down today because it's very slippy out there. I should have been at a gym class, but was worried about driving up the hill to the gym, etc.

I succeeded in taking out and returning the recycling bin. There's a grit bin across the street, but I don't want to risk going over to it. Shall probably make do with sprinkling salt on my path and in front of the house when i next go out.

The New Year holiday mean that last week's bin collection trickled into the beginning of this week, and I finished up seeing off a drunk who decided that it was a good idea to throw all the bins into the middle of the road. I used the subtle method of shouting "Oy! Bugger off!"

I had picked up most of the bins by the time a young woman from halfway down the street came out to help. No one else came out. Maybe they slept through it.

Of course, I'm in a terrace of three and all three of us are widows now. The other men in the street are older and maybe not in the best of health. I do sometimes see younger men, but they tend to be what we in Fife term 'bidie-ins' - they're boyfriends who appear sometimes, but don't live here permanently.

Hope you have a nice lunch out.

Thinking of you @Hisredipad, be kind to yourself today.

Thank you

feel as if I’m emerging again, decided it’s likely the after effects of anaesthesia that’s making me feel shattered. Went to work yesterday and today and had to nap on the sofa before stuffing a ready meal in the microwave.

cant sleep tonight, a lost item, lost for several days has had me turning the house upside down (but I did tidy, sort of whilst looking). Found it half an hour ago but realised while looking there’s still so much of DH’s stuff in drawers and cupboards. I hadn’t realised quite how much, or tbh what on earth do I do with it all. Unlikely the kids will want it, neither do I but can’t bring myself to donate or throw away. Tempted to box it and pop in the loft for the kids to sort out when I’m gone but really feel that’s unfair on them and had wanted to try and dejunk as much as possible (in case of a downsize move when I’m older and not so able of dealing with all the crap).

5 yrs on, I'm still sorting things out, @Hisredipad.

I've sent some things to DH's kids and I'm in the process of boxing up a small number of family mementoes I found. No idea whether they'll want them.

More than a year after I lost him, I found a box of photo slides from before he knew me. I sent them to his son.

I'd already used some of his socks for swollen feet as dusters, but it took me a time to do that - had to tell myself that I'll buy him more if he comes back and needs them...

This evening, I found a single sock with his hospital name tape on it, from when he spent 4 months in the stroke rehab ward. I used that as a cleaning rag and then put it out. Nuts, I know.

His NHS hearing aid was donated to charity after I checked that the NHS didn't want it back. I've yet to take the one that we bought to the hearing aid shop. (They donate them to Bolivia, apparently.)

We all process these things differently.

There are some things that I can't bear to put out or to pass to his kids yet. I'll leave a note for my executor to tell them where they're to go - for example there's a ledger in which he wrote his repertoire of folk songs.

I'm trying to declutter so I don't leave a mess, but I've already told my cousins to use a house clearance firm though I've told them where to find my jewellery which will no doubt got to Cash for Gold, or similar: I know that my cousins down south sold their mother's jewellery because it wasn't their style.

I've gradually been donating DH's military history books to the charity bookshops in St Andrews. (They won't sell in our town.) I also took his tuxedo there - I could let it go because he never wore that when he was with me: he always wore the kilt when he could. Yes, I still have his kilt[s].

I know that some widows can clear things very quickly. I can't and the widows that I've spoken to have all said that you just take your time and deal with things as you can.

For example, I've held onto a letter written by my MIL to her mother. I couldn't let it go because she mentioned "the wee man"/"baby" - my husband. Now I can, and it's going to his son.

ETA Basically, don't rush yourself. There are a couple of things that I passed on before I was ready and I regret that. Give yourself as much space as you need. Just do a little at a time until you're ready to let go more.

Just to explain that I know that the sock thing is mad. I couldn't give them to charity shops, I reckoned, and couldn't just throw them out - had to make use of them first even if that is nutty.

I’ve been clearing out things I held onto at first. Decided no I don’t need his white trainer socks. Ive often thought it’s a good job he can’t come back as he’s got no clothes.

I honestly think I could pack this house up in one day on my own after this last clear out.

No not nutty. I threw 8 calculators the other week. I did a sum on them first to check they worked, I have no idea why. I can’t bear someone to have his hats and woolly hats.

DH started wearing hats after having a basal cell carcinoma removed from his nose - they're all Australian bush hats. Three, I think. I still have them. I'm telling myself that I can wear them as sun hats.

This, in spite of the fact that I live in rainy Fife!

One is an actual Indiana Jones hat... I think that it's the only one that I've worn.

Before I sent the slides to DH's son, I had to check through every single one - an entire box. I'm glad that I did - there was a photie of him dressed up in his ghillie's outfit (complete with daft hat) ready for a shoot at Balmoral.

I got the local Max Spielmann's to make both a hard and digital copy for me.

12 months and xx days. I know im depressed, but then people keep telling me I do have things to be depressed about. The weather is awful here so that nots helping. Took the dog and neighbours (who’s poorly) dog for a walk in the wind to blow away the cobwebs, normally come home feeling a bit rejuvenated. Not today. Actually that was yesterday and I forgot to press post. No better today but the dentist said no fillings this time so that was a positive for the day.

Doing some DH paperwork, it’s gut crunching sad, really struggling to write a single letter in each of those wretched boxes and why is it I have hundreds of blue pens and no black ones. Im only buying black biros from now on.

I stuck some huge googly eyes on the new robot hoover and it makes it look like a piggy, so decided to call it Miss Piggy, not having to hoover today has cheered me up a little.

Oh, and I found a pair of his socks, they’ve gone at the bottom of my drawer, his last pair, couldn’t bring myself to launch them in the bin.

Roll on some warmth in the day and a bit of sunshine.

I get days when nothing helps too.

Thinking of you @Hisredipad . The weather certainly doesn't help.

I nearly threw out a pair of DH's oversized ankle socks, but have kept them as bed socks in the meantime.

Still haven't sent the box of framed photos to DH's kids. (They're studio photos of them. Also school photos of his now grown granddaughter. I finally took them down over the festive period.)

I've been following one of those pre-printed decluttering schedules. Yesterday was electronic decluttering and I came across the 'letter' that they'd wanted read out at the funeral that they didn't couldn't attend.

In the end, the celebrant cut it to a couple of paragraphs, since we only had half an hour for the entire funeral and they were replicating things from the draft eulogy that they had seen - and I've only just realised that they included 'eulogy' in the document title...so I'm wondering whether they intended that to be used at the funeral as the actual eulogy? I've also just realised that they sent it directly to the celebrant, though they copied it to me. Oof. I can't believe that I only just realised that.

I haven't deleted it yet.

My one giggle this month resulted from my 6 monthly dental check-up.

I have a fully grown impacted wisdom tooth, horizontal, pointing towards the back of my head. It's attempting to come through.

"This one needs to come out before it causes trouble. Not your fault - it's started to decay under the gum."

I've been referred to the hospital. I'm taking the need for surgical removal as proof that I've finally come of age, at nearly 66 yrs.

Nae bloody wonder that my straightened bottom teeth went all squint again, with that monstrosity shoving them about!