This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

So sorry @BlakeCarrington - it's a terrible club to be in. Hope you can find some support here, this is a space to say whatever you feel.

Oh @BlakeCarrington I’m so sorry, but I hope knowing we feel the same too will help a little. I so look forward to talking to people on here. And feel slightly less that I’m going mad!

"It's like my sunshine has been taken away" - beautifully said @BlakeCarrington and so, so true.

I do know what you mean about "can't be bothered" @Emptyandsad . I have days like that but I find my biggest stumbling block is I just do not know what I want out of life anymore.

If I did, I'd be attempting to take steps to find it - whatever "it" is.

I struggle to think of what it is in life I should aim for - I know life will never be the same again but right now, life is devoid of any colour or sunshine.

Maybe I need a life coach!!

Ah @WingedHarpy , so true. I often describe myself as living in black & white.

Di you ever watch the film The Piano? It's set in New Zealand and it's grey and rainy throughout the film and then, right at the end, the eponymous piano falls off a boat and sinks in the sea, and as it sinks, the sun comes out; you can see the sunbeams shining through the water. That is like the reverse of what I feel has happened to me

I have tried dating, but it feels so wrong

My thoughts could not be further from dating @Emptyandsad - definitely not what I'm looking for.

I also think, you need to "fix" yourself ie. one's inner peace and equilibrium has to come from within, finding the small pleasures in your own life and some joy.

I sort of feel that the world is turning and moving on at the speed of light and I'm trying to keep up on my pushbike!!

Welcome @BlakeCarrington so sorry for your loss.

@Wingedharpy I hope you find some colour in life, I know the feeling well, I do feel odds bits have drifted back into my life BUT I think I went looking for it a little. I went away with my girlfriends, something we’ve done every year for about ten years and managed to enjoy it as some of the things we do are a good distraction and made me feel a bit better.

I still don’t feel I want to grief counselling but a life coach’s is actually a good idea to explore.

Thank you all for your kind words. It helps to read your comments of going through the same, I’m sorry for the sadness everyone has and is still going through x

Having a mini celebration with the dog, just found out that ‘I’ ie the business passed the test last week. It is a big Tick for my to do list. Still lots more to do but feel I’ve made a start now and turning some cells in my spreadsheet Green was a good feeling.

Well done, @Hisredipad !

Had dinner with BIL and his wife. They live a good way away from me, but made the trip over to see me after coming up to visit their son and family. It's very much appreciated - they've been lovely.

@WearyAuldWumman so pleased your BIL and SIL made the effort to come and see you. I fear I have been cast aside by some family, the thing that upsets me is that I was the instigator of meeting up most of the time. A friend says they don’t know how to deal with my situation.

@Hisredipad that’s so good to hear about the business. Especially as you’ve worked so hard. Well done. I’m so sorry about your family situation though. Kindness makes such a difference.
@WearyAuldWumman I’m so glad they made the effort and you enjoyed.
I’ve just looked and it’s over 8 weeks since my darling DH died. It feels like I’m stuck in that weekend and the world has moved on.
I have to start buying my son’s school uniform for the new school year soon.
I can’t believe my life is this now. I was always so positive and found the joy in the little things, especially in the last couple of years. Now I just think I was in denial of what was happening/going to happen and have realised that life is brutal and cruel.

I've just lost a good friend of mine. It's hit me hard even though I've only known him for two years. I think it's because he was like a father figure and gave me a lot of encouragement and belief in myself when I didn't have any.

I can't imagine what it must be like losing my DH. You are all incredibly strong ladies.

I'm sorry, @Hisredipad.

I felt badly let down by DH's kids. I realise that they had their own grief to deal with and they possibly found themselves in a complicated situation because of their mother. I recall being taken aback when DH's DIL phoned me and then told me that the (currently with Man No 4) was "devastated".

I've come to the conclusion that you can only ever really rely on immediate family.

@Sunshineandbluesky I know what you mean about being in denial. I used to convince myself that things were going to be okay.

@MiddleLifeCrisisorWhat Thank you for you kind words. I'm sorry that you've lost your friend.

Hello, it feels like a long time since I last posted and I feel like a lot has happened. I've been to the lawyers to start the ball rolling with DH's will. It feels utterly gross to be discussing his business and ultimately gaining financially from his death and it makes me so sad that he worked so hard to get to where he was in life and he can't reap the rewards of that.
I went to the spiritualist church on Sunday. I know it's not for everyone but it has honestly brought me so much comfort. I won't be going regularly but I'm happy and satisfied that I did go.
DH was a janitor at a school and I've been to collect his belongings. Everyone was so lovely and spoke so highly of him. They have a book of condolence set up that the staff have been writing in and when the kids go back tomorrow they can write in it too. It's such a lovely idea and I'm so touched. It really felt like the end of an era yesterday to know he spent so much of his daily life in that school and will now never been be back.
I've joined Widowed and Young and last night I joined a zoom call with other people who have been widowed within the last year. I thought I would be ok but I cried and cried when it was my turn to speak. I'm not really sure how I feel about it but I'll do it again next week and see how it goes.

@ByHisSideAlways

Reading your post made me a little teary, remembering what it was like when grief was new and unfamiliar. It felt as if I was becoming, without having any say in it, a new person. Like trying on a new suit, looking at myself in the mirror in these unfamiliar clothes and not being able to say "you know what? I think I'll just stay in my T-shirt and shorts" and leaving that stranger behind in the shop.

@ByHisSideAlways

Spiritualist services aren't that much different from "ordinary" church services, I find. I was persuaded to go by a relative after DH died.

I had initially refused, but I was at the end of my tether one day and came across a FB group doing a Zoom coffee morning. The tech worked, much to my surprise and the host was very welcoming. Just having someone to speak to when I was on on my own during lockdown was such a help.

It's not for everyone, but I've since gone to a few services with my cousin. No one tries to "convert" you or anything like that. I can be very cynical - there are some chancers out there - but I try to keep an open mind and I find that people are friendly and there's always the offer of a cup of tea and a chat at the end and that's a big help when you're on your own - and you definitely get more banter than you would at a Church of Scotland service!

@Sunshineandbluesky brutal is a good word for feelings of grief, it’s an all consuming wrap around label for the trauma we are faced go through.
its 8 months now since DH passed, for me now distraction has become the new normal. I actively do things now to distract myself from that trauma, that’s not to say I don’t think about him and I allow myself time to think of him, you are in such a short time it’s no wonder you feel like you do.

i hope you can perhaps go out with your son and get the school uniform and have a good day together, perhaps incorporate something nice into that trip as a bonding moral booster for the pair of you, and a bringing together of your new if unwanted family life.

@MiddleLifeCrisisorWhat , really sorry you lost such a lovely friend.

@Emptyandsad , love your t shirt and shorts analogy, im trying to head for a ballerina skirt on my better days, in my head I look beautiful and sylph like, and always fancied being a ballerina. In time I want to do something towards raising money for DH’s cancer, I think that’s probably when I’ll end up in a ballerina skirt full time but at the moment it’s hung on the back of the mythical door waiting for me.

@WearyAuldWumman ive steered clear of church, we hadn’t gone for years as we got a new vicar who wasn’t our cup of tea, we’d married in the church and really joined in with village life but lived slightly outside in a small hamlet. There’s a new vicar now, wondering if I might try going back although a tad concerned it would be horrendously upsetting now but maybe in time it would be of comfort.

@ByHisSideAlways , hello, im pleased you’ve found some comfort in the spiritual church and I hope it helps you through the difficult times of ‘paperwork’. What a lovely idea the book of condolences. I purposely didn’t have one as the kids didn’t like the idea vut I kept all the condolence cards and sometime I will go back and read them all. I’ve a strange plan to burn them all and dig the ashes into DH’s grave once everything is sorted.

im twirling off to the office now, project number 2 can start today, it’s slightly more manageable than project 1, might buy work colleagues crunchies today. I used to do that a lot a while back, Thank Crunchie it’s Friday, they will like that.

@Emptyandsad and @Hisredipad - I love both of your clothes analogies
@WearyAuldWumman - I'm glad you found it helpful, we take comfort wherever we can don't we?

Yesterday I got 2 new tattoos - one of DH's handwriting from a card he gave me which says 'love you forever' and another of a smiley face he had drawn. DH was so laid back and calm, he rarely worried about anything and was just very chilled. So every time I look at the face I'm going to think of him saying "it's fine" "what you worrying for?" and just remember what a wonderful guy he was.
I'm struggling a bit at the moment thinking that he doesn't love me anymore. I'm not really sure where this has come from and I would be willing to explore it and see a counsellor or therapist but I don't know if it's too soon. I don't want to end up in more of a downward spiral than I am already in.
Trying to get some sadmin sorted this morning. First thing I want to deal with is DH's phone. I'm not ready for someone else to have his number (silly I know) so I'm going to see if I can continue with it somehow.
I have an appointment with DH's workplace to discuss his pension. I think it's going to upset me quite a bit and I'm really struggling with all the financial things. I know I am extremely lucky that DH hasn't left any problems for me but he was so young and this money was intended for so many wonderful adventures together. It just seems so wrong that now he can't get the benefit of it.
Tonight I'm going out for a meal with my family. We do this for everyone's birthday so I'm not going to cancel but it'll be the first time without DH there so today is likely to be a tough day all round.

Yes, I get all of that.

Felt guilty about the bereavement allowance and about inheriting part of DH’s pension.

Also sometimes get the “He’s stopped loving me!”

Peeled a pile of spuds. Waiting for family to get here. The first time since the funeral so a few mixed emotions tugging on my heart strings. We so loved all the family here together and about ten years ago re modelled the back of the house into open plan for social cooking and entertaining. DH would sit at the breakfast bar peeling the potatoes and other veg. Id be cooking up a storm. Bought the mains and the puddings today and had to do the veg myself.

it’s garden bin tomorrow so started cutting the bushes back and a Robbin came and sat within two feet of where I was on the garden table and didn’t move for a good five minutes, kept cocking its head towards me so I had a little chat. I wondered if I’d put out my hand would it have hopped on.

I've only had people round for dinner once since DW's death. We used to love having people round but I can't face it on my own now

@Hisredipad - This is exactly what I miss just the day to day stuff, nothing extravagant just our little routines and the way we spent our days.
I'm going to the in laws today. I hate going there by myself but it's the only place I feel I can talk on and on about DH without annoying anyone. I'm really considering some talking therapy just so I can pay someone to listen to me.

Im a tad concerned they will think I’ve not made an effort but am feeling exhausted as had a busy week and they do know that. Im hoping I find it enjoyable and there little ones coming so I’m sure it will be nice as I’ve got them little gifts and ice creams as a pudding.

@Hisredipad - how did your day go?