This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

Really nicely, thank you. I almost burnt the biscuits but they were ok.

The reality of it was it went far too quickly, but I spent a few hours playing with the little ones which was lovely and then dinner was chased onto the table and then they were off in time for bed.

I felt a little bit sad coming back into the house after waving them off, but then I’m lucky to have the dog who was very interested in what have been left on the plates and kept leading me off into the kitchen to remind me there was stuff that he might like up there.

i’ve just had a thought and it’s something that I hadn’t really remembered that DH and I each had a voice for the dog.

if DH had been here he would have been saying in his dog voice “errrm mummy i’d like the leftovers pleeessasse”

Hey ho. Had a bad night. Woke up a couple of times. Fell asleep again and had one of those dreams where I realised it was a dream towards the end and woke up weeping because he'd gone off to the loo in my dream and I knew I was't going to see him again.

Very strange. Dreamt that we were on an old-fashioned bus trip. When I was a child in the '60s and '70s, the local bus company would day trips to various locations.

We were on one of those, for some strange reason and had stopped at some kind of pub for lunch.

Anyway, I'm skipping the gym today - too sore. I had 6 gym sessions over 5 days last week, all involving weights to some extent, and that's possibly been a bit much for me. Wondered why I was having stomach cramps yesterday at my age and then it dawned on me that I'd increased my obliques exercises...and today my inner thighs are hurting like Billyo - I increased the weight on the leg press on Friday and I think I'm feeling the damage now.

I keep thinking of the old "Walk this way, Madam!" joke.

I've had one consultant telling me to forget about losing weight, but to build up my muscles; I've had a vein specialist and an orthotics specialist telling me that losing weight will be beneficial.

I've lost a stone since I last saw the vein bloke. I came out of that appointment giggling and really wanting to tell DH about it: "No, you're not developing varicose veins. The saphenous vein that runs all the way down your right leg didn't form correctly in utero. It's genetic, from the maternal line. Your main vein has no valves!"

I texted my cousins to tell them - in case they were affected - and said that I reckoned that it came from our ancestors chasing haggises round hillsides.

Think I'll head to the farm shop for lunch, to get me out the house.

Thinking of you OP. Read that grief is like a wave; it can come crashing into you when you least expect it. I'm nearly 4 years on since my partner died. We had been seeing each other 2 years but the pain has been debilitating at times. Grief is so personal. Just allow it to manifest itself as it chooses for you, whilst attempting to get through the basics for survival. I hope you can smile at the happy shared memories OP. Take care.

Have been reading but not had much energy to contribute.

It’s sort of interesting how similar themes come up - I’ve also been feeling very “ugh, now I have to do everything by myself” this weekend. My weekends were usually either heading off to his on a Friday after work or being greeted by him when I got home if he’d come to mine. And we’d find a little adventure to go on, or we’d just cuddle up and talk for hours. It’s so lonely and I don’t feel sociable enough to try to replace that yet. Even with my kids here, I find myself zoning out after a while.

My boyfriend died because of his alcoholism, of which I was unaware. (One of the perils of a long distance relationship.) We’d talked about moving in together and although I’ve been thinking and saying that that future had turned out to be just a fantasy, I actually had a proper realisation this week of just how awful it would have been if I’d found a new job and sold my house and we’d bought somewhere together - and then found out about his drinking problem. That’s been sort of helpful I think.

@atiaofthejulii

That sounds really tough - you've still had a future snatched away and dreams shattered

Yeah, I don't know whether it's better or worse that it turned out to be a largely imaginary future that's disappeared!

@atiaofthejulii makes it all harder to bear and unravel I would imagine. I read the Richard Cole book, I doubt you’d find comfort with it, I discussed it with the friend I gave it to and we agreed we didn’t see it as a book to help those in grief.
theres something about it which I can’t put into words, inappropriate comes to mind but not sure that’s the word I’m looking for.

I think you’ve got to be kind to yourself and know that he’d want you to be happy

@Hisredipad
I've never been a fan of Richard Cole. I feel he always comes across as a little smug and pleased with himself. I haven't read the book because if I did, I'd read it in his voice and that would never work!

I'm feeling terribly lonely. Two people I was friends with in the past text me when DH died and said the usual "I'm here if you need anything" so I've reached out and asked to meet up, neither have committed. Now on top of everything else I feel embarrassed about reaching out. DH was my soulmate and my companion in everything, I just want to phone him and tell him about the terrible time I am having just now. I miss him so much. I regret that we made our world so small and I should of had some friends outwith him but I know if I could go back in time we would do the same again as all we wanted was to be with each other.

I keep thinking that he thinks I don't love him or he's somewhere out there mad at me for some of the choices I am making. If I really think about it I know I'm doing the best I can but I can't help but feel I am letting him down. I am going to see if I can arrange to speak to someone about this as it is tearing me apart. I know it's still very early days. Has anyone had any sort of counselling? How did you find it?

I think that people make offers of help, and they mean them; but they just have no idea of how to deal with death and grief. It's not that they don't care about you, it's that they're scared they'll say the wrong thing, that your grief will be too raw. I wonder how I would have been before I had experienced grief myself

This thread is a great place to unload

@Emptyandsad - I know what you mean. I think back to when others have been in a similar situation (not a spouse but a parent or sibling) and I’ve not been anywhere near as supportive as I could have been. This truly is someone people can’t understand unless they have been in this situation. I really hope in the future I will be better able to support others when they are faced with this.

@ByHisSideAlways I know what you mean. To be fair people have been good but family don’t know what to do with me. It’s as if my grief is too frightening and I’m feeling so so lonely, even with friends. Like you, I only wanted to be with my DH, we didn’t need anyone else.
I’m having overwhelming feelings of guilt at the moment that I didn’t manage to stop this from happening to my DH and feel that he’s somewhere lonely, thinking I’ve left him behind.
I know he’d be as lonely as I am now without me and suffering as much. Nuts I know, but we’d never have left each other.
He’s ashes now though, as my neurodivergent son likes to tell me.
It’s been 9 weeks today and I’m still so shocked that this has happened to us. I think a mistake must have been made because this wouldn’t happen to us. I have a friend staying and she’s very lovely, but I’m exhausted being ‘on’ all the time. We don’t really have visitors so it’s very strange. I want my old life back so badly.

At times like these i wish we had a care emoji.

I was thinking that just yesterday.

a care icon would be lovely, an acknowledgment that we are here and that we care, that in this moment we can’t respond for whatever reason but we do indeed care very much. 💐💐💐

@ByHisSideAlways

I think that I understand what you're experiencing. It's not as bad as the early days, but I find myself thinking of things that I could have/should have done prior to the crisis and during.

I also find myself thinking that DH is upset at me because of things that happened after he died, that he's angry with me. I've always been prone to overthinking, so that doesn't help.

@Hisredipad I've not yet started on the Richard Coles book. My heart sank when my relative sent it to me more than 4 years ago. I'm just beginning to think that I might be able to stand reading it.

The relative who sent it has had two major bereavements - she's a widow and had previously suffered the loss of a teenage child.

I will start on it this week, but if it's too much for me I'll discard it. I can't just chuck it out - it's part of the overthinking/my OCD. [I genuinely have a diagnosis of OCD - doesn't help in our situation.]

I wrote a fairly long post earlier and lost it.

The reality of the situation we unfortunately find ourselves in is that unless you have been in that situation you are going to have no idea on the impact upon the person who is dealing with their grief. And also it affects every person differently depends of the depth we each have with our lost loved one.

I strongly believe it really frightens people off, even those that have been there themselves. I’m not really sure how I would deal with a friend who is new to the situation that I’m currently in. I’d like to think that I could offer friendship and advice, but do we really want to explain the level of our grief to someone else. Do they want to know how utterly desolate it is, or do we let them find out for themselves. We can offer practical advice and point the way forward with certain things but I don’t suppose any of us are capable of mending a broken heart.

sorry if that’s all melancholy, jeez I have the most awful day, and I’ve unusually just hit the bottle (there was only one glass left, and I’m not opening another), on an empty stomach.

My true hope for all of us is that, in time, we will find some peace, even if it’s sporadic, and we will laugh and smile again. That we find ourselves able to be happy that we would all be wished happiness by those that we have lost as I’m sure if it were the other way round my dear dear DH I would want to be happy in the rest of his life if he were to be without me.

Have any of you heard of the singer Nick Cave? He lost two sons, both suddenly and he has a page called the Red Hand Files, if you Google that and grief he talks very eloquently, honestly and beautifully about loss, much better than Richard Coles. One thing he says that sticks with me is people dont know what to say or dont stick around as you are a glimpse of what's to come, grief cant be avoided unless you die first but everyone will go through it and we are a reminder of that.

Re Richard Cole’s book, don’t feel bad about launching into the charity shop bag, I do think it’s an odd book, I don’t think it’s for all, and I’m not convinced it’s helpful for anyone grieving, if anything, it’s just a book that you may feel you identify with his own experiences which you may then in term think was an ok feelings to have. I definitely will not be promoting it as a help to someone who is suffering grief.

Gosh you hit that nail on the head. As I was walking the dog earlier today I did indeed think life would have been far easier for me had I gone first. (That’s just an observation of the moment I find myself in, I was indeed quite unwell a few years back, and it would have been possible for me to have departed this life fast if not for the quick actions of some very talented drs and medical staff).

We have little ones to be very grateful for, in the form of grand children who I love to see growing up and my attention needs to the funnelled towards them I think.

My mother used to tell me that she hoped that Dad would go before her. Of course, she outlived him by 4 years.

DH used to tell me that if anything happened to me, then he wouldn't be long behind. He changed that latterly - he knew that he was going first and I think he was trying to make things better for me: he'd tell me that I'd just have to keep on, the same way that he would have to if I predeceased him.

He also told me that I should get another man after he'd gone. I don't think so!

@Hisredipad I’m sorry you had a terrible day yesterday and I hope today is better. Something you wrote yesterday about do we want others to know how utterly desolate grief is, has made me think a few times today. It’s so hideous that I think people might stop themselves from falling in love to prevent it.
My big revelation of the day (to add to the guilt, panic, loneliness) is that I don’t know how to live without him. Possibly obvious to others on here, but a shock to me today.
As I’ve said here before, I lived on my own for well over 10 years. We didn’t marry until mid thirties. But he and I had become so entwined and my life had changed immeasurably for the better, that I actually don’t know what to think, do, dream of, plan, solve - without him here. An independent woman but actually not.

Yes, that encapsulates it very well, @Sunshineandbluesky .

I've been signing up for classes at the local gym because it gives me a reason to get out of the house and my annual membership means that I'm not paying extra for classes.

I can get a lunch after classes or workouts and at least I see people that way. I confess that I should probably be doing other things.

Just did a brief workout today and had lunch.

Made myself hoover out the car when I got home and then trimmed the hedge and weed-killed the driveway.

Some primary school boys (maybe about 9 yrs old?) were being a bit raucous - singing football chants and banging on the fence of the garden opposite. The husband is very unwell and in his bed now.

I wouldn't have said anything, but they were getting ready to repeat all this on camera. I tried "There's nothing wrong with singing, gentlemen, but please don't bang on things - you might damage something by accident."

The film director moved off whilst making faces to himself. The one bringing up the rear called (not very loudly): "You're not my mum!"

"You're right - I'm not. She's a lucky lady!"

This response seemed to perplex him. As they moved off, he responded even less loudly, "You're right...she is."

At least the banging stopped and they waited until they were at the top of the hill away from my garden before they started yelling again.

@Sunshineandbluesky I think you just have to carry on as if they are still around as bizarre as that seems. Except you are doing all the jobs. I experienced this because DH was in hospital for about three months before he passed away so in some ways this is quite easy for me.

I still think what would DH think about certain things and apply those thoughts to lots of things I do. I’m not sure to be honest that will ever change. Maybe one day his thoughts will merge into my thoughts and perhaps that’s the time that I’ll be thinking on my own.

I was also doing a lot of everything prior to that as well, just simply because he wasn’t well enough and I wanted him to concentrate his levels of health on doing nice things

Today I think I turned the corner on a particular nasty job. One of DH’s very good friends who occasionally helps us out in the business came and looked at a particularly difficult thing. And said he would do it because it was me. Really what he was saying was he was doing it because of DH.
But regardless I am thankful that there are some jolly decent people in this world because without his help today, I have no idea how I would’ve got myself out of that debacle.

sometimes I wish I could be outing and tell you what my job is it would make it easier to explain a lot of things.

I’m still waiting on the outcome of yesterday’s difficult issue, but I think it’s going to be okay.

Even when DH was still here, I had to do all the jobs for the past few years - but having him here gave me the confidence to do it and I could rely on his expertise for many things.

One time, I bought an inexpensive chainsaw on a pole from Lidl. Struggled to put it together. (The chain was the main issue.)

In the end, DH told me to bring it into the house. I laid it all on the livingroom carpet and he issued instructions on what I needed to do. It worked fine.

More recently, I bought another chainsaw from Homebase - a more regularly sized one. I got it to work, but the damned chain keeps slipping off and I've given up on it.

Go you girl!

I find your story slightly amusing because that’s the job I’ve got to do next.

I’ve mixed the two-stroke, but I’ve yet to get the damn chainsaw thingy going!