This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

@Emptyandsad i don’t think it matters tbh, what matters is, there’s no harm in what we think or feel (as long as we don’t force it on others), and if it brings comfort (or joy) then it must be a good thing.

IRL I often see a Robbin but my mum and daughter are the only people who I may mention it to.

and I suppose at the end of the day we humans are completely different in our thinking and likes so it makes sense our experience's or feelings are different too which is why I think difficult things are to difficult unravel. But it’s with a common denominator and generally the result is we all want to feel better, to come out from the fog and pain.

when I was severely upset about things in the past a bar of chocolate and a cup of tea would always lift my mood, but what I have found is that grief must be a different sort of upset because it doesn’t matter if I eat the whole box of chocolate and drink a whole pot of tea it doesn’t help.

I had to take DH’s car for its MOT yesterday, the garage staff were lovely and then I went to friends who live close by for dinner and her DH just happened to have some answers to some of the things I’ve been wondering lately about why DH did some random thing I’d never questioned him about. I’m so glad everyone still wants to talk about him.

I feel I’ve written about a lot of my doom and gloom for a while, so I thought it was important that I post this afternoon to say that I actually feel quite a bit lighter about things. I can’t really explain why because it will be outing but I have found someone who has a forum for a business a bit like mine which I joined recently and has been invaluable in giving me some of the answers to the questions that the likelihood was that only DH knew the answers to.

i’m also in the middle of baking, a 12 inch square mahooosive birthday cake for my best friends husbands huge birthday. One of my big passions in life is cake but it has to be the most fabulous flavours and this current ones is heading in a fabulous direction. When it’s finished it’s going to be decorated in the style of the birthday boys favourite hobby. I’m currently waiting for the second sponge to cool before sandwiching it together with scrumptious jam and vanilla butter icing.

I’ve two huge tubs I’ve made of vanilla icing ready to start piping and I’m covered in icing sugar. I’m feeling quite normal for a change.

You had me at 'vanilla butter icing'...

Oh blimey, dd and I decided to watch Bridget Jones, Mad About the Boy. Didn't really factor in that it starts off with her being all alone after Mr Darcy died. I'm trying not to cry and we're only 15 minutes in 😭

I do hope you’re okay
My girlfriend’s and I watched four weddings and a funeral whilst we were away until it got to the bit at the funeral where they start with
Stop the clocks

I’d pinched a verse of it for DH’s funeral and shot off into the kitchen. When I got back, the news was on.

I'm ok. Appropriately sad.

There's a scene where she's dancing around with Leo Woodall and I thought of all the daft places that J and I danced, and how much fun we had, and that happy person seems like a completely different person to who I am now.

It's been an emotional week all round. All my kids have been here, overlapping but staggered, from Monday to today, to celebrate my youngest's graduation on Wednesday. Dd2 arrived on Monday, she's having a really rough time at the moment, her mental health is always a bit fragile. While they were here, just before I left for the ceremony, my son's fiancée got told she was at risk of redundancy 😬The graduation was the first time exH and I have been in the same place since he moved out, and then we all went out for dinner afterwards, so that was weird but actually fine in the end.

I think having a bit of a cry on Friday evening is ok.

@Hisredipad it’s lovely to hear that you’re feeling lighter today and the cake sounds wonderful. And I’m so glad your friends will talk to you about your husband.
Oh @atiaofthejulii it sounds so emotional, no wonder you’re having a cry.
@WearyAuldWumman we’re still looking after our husbands/partners aren’t we? I think it’s just in us.
@Emptyandsad I absolutely love what you said about this thread being above love. That’s so spot on. We’re all so so sad and wrecked by grief but it’s all because of the incredible love we feel.
I’ve been reading your posts about what happens after death and I think the way we can have a respectful conversation on here about our different beliefs is wonderful.
I wish with all my heart that I believed there was something, a heaven or something, because the idea of seeing my darling husband again would keep me going. But I just don’t and I’m hoping that if I manage to get over the bafflement that this has happened to us, then one day I will believe that. I have begged to my husband to give me a sign.
There is so much I haven’t replied and I am sorry because so many of you have written such thoughtful and true things, but I come on here late when before this happened I’d be fast asleep by now. But I scroll and scroll until I fall asleep so that I don’t have to think.

@atiaofthejulii, sounds like it’s been very full on, congratulations to your daughter, I too met exH last week at my DD’s, he lives close and just popped in, we get on OK but if there was a choice I’d probably rather not meet him. I hope you’re ok xxx

I needed a few extra £’s for an Amazon order yesterday so I added Richard Cole’s, the Madness of Grief, it arrived a few hours ago and I’ve read the first chapter while eating a bowl of cake cuttings and buttercream icing.

@Sunshineandbluesky you shouldn’t feel pressured to responding, it’s ok to read and say nothing. Or you can just say something simple like, hi I’m still here, xxxx

@Hisredipad I "enjoyed" (not quite sure that's the right word) Richard Coles' the madness of grief book when I read it.
For such a gloomy topic, I found it surprisingly un-gloomy and I liked his writing style - so much so, that I went on to buy one of his novels. Sadly, that was rubbish!!

Oh @Wingedharpy thats disappointing as I too thought last night I might try one of his novels.

had a realisation today about this whole firsts thing, I was doing a fair bit of stuff without DH last year as he was in hospital or not well enough so again I’ve realised I’m used to being with family and friends without him. Looking back I think it was harder last year knowing he was wherever he was and missing out.

The other thing I read on line around the time DH died, which really resonated with me was "The endless sorrow of grieving a spouse" by Sophia Dembling in Psychology Today. Apologies, I can't do linky thing on here for some reason, but it's easily found if Googled.
She writes like someone who completely gets it, as she would, having experienced this heartbreak herself.

My copy of the Coles' book is still on my bookshelf waiting for me. Thinking about starting tonight: it's been sitting there for four years.

I took half a sleeping tablet last night. Slept for 8 hrs, but then kept falling asleep again during the day. The trip has taken a lot out of me.

I've managed to complete the online form for Lufthansa - trying to claim for my home transfer/taxi, but doubt whether that will be successful. I'd prepaid and had to pay the same firm the same price all over again - though I did manage to cancel several hours before they were due to pick me up.

Apparently, I am definitely due 70 quid from Saga insurance. I'm stuck halfway through their form, however - I need proof of the cancelled flights... in spite of the fact that it was Saga that initially confirmed the initially delayed flight and sent me an electronic pass for an airport lounge. I know that I'm due the 70 because I phoned them from Belgrade to check that my insurance cover lasted until I got home a day late.

I can understand that Saga needs proof that I had flight tickets, etc, but it seems a bit daft that they need me to prove that the flight was cancelled when they know that it was cancelled. I phoned the Travel Agent yesterday, but it must have been too late in the afternoon for them to send me the email they got from Lufthansa.

I'm actually pleased that I managed to complete the Lufthansa form. Even if I don't get a refund of my extra transfer fare, at least I've managed to complete a task.

😅@Hisredipad :He's written a few more since - maybe he's got better!

Well done @WearyAuldWumman . Having done battle with Ryanair, some years ago, over a cancelled flight and change of airport on return leg of journey, I appreciate how soul destroying it can be.
My theory is, they make it difficult so you'll say "oh sod it! It's only £x - I'll just write it off and not bother".
Little do they know they're dealing with warriors here!

Hello, I am here and have been reading along I really do enjoy opening this thread and finding new posts.

I'm going to see DH at the funeral directors this morning. I'm utter terrified to be honest. I'm scared he won't look like himself or that he will look too much like himself with his own clothes on and not a hospital gown which he had the last few weeks and I guess it'll be nice to see him without the tubes and the wires and all the machines around him. I've also got photos I'd like to some how hang on the inside of his coffin. I'll take my blanket which will hopefully smell of me, his keyring (it's half a heart with our wedding date and I'll keep the other half), a letter I've written him and a card I gave him years about about all the things I love about him. I'm also going to take a hat as he was never without one and some snacks as every jacket / bag had a snack where ever he went. Afterwards I am going for lunch with his family. I have wrote them all a card expressing my love for them and how I hope we will continue to see each other. I feel like this is more than a goodbye to DH but also his family. I will try hard to remain in contact with them but I guess only time will tell what will happen.

Sending hugs to you @ByHisSideAlways .

@ByHisSideAlways also sending hugs and so much support.

Oh @Wingedharpy that’s the pain on a page isn’t it? Thank you for sharing.
At the moment I am just utterly exhausted. and sad. So so sad. To know that my life is now this, without him, seems so ridiculous.

@ByHisSideAlways hope seeing your dh and his family have both gone as well as these things can xxx

@Sunshineandbluesky I've still got his funeral booklet on the other bedside table and whenever I look at his photo on it, I just think how on earth can you not be here.

This weekend a year ago was such a lovely one, and now he's gone and I'm just broken. Existing rather than living.

@ByHisSideAlways i hope you find some comfort in your visit to your DH tomorrow.

im having a sofa day - again - but because I think over probably overdone it and there’s a very slim possibility ive picked up Covid which if I have im going to be seriously upset about as I’ve got something this week I was really looking forward to doing.

I’ve managed to throw some dinner in the oven and am feeling slightly better so am hoping I’ve just overdone it. Going on the hunt for DH’s left over lucozade stash and a multi vitamin.

I hope everyone’jobs’ get sorted and go ok. Im feeling an early evening nap coming on.

Hope it's just tiredness and not Covid. Let us know how you are.

Thank you all @WearyAuldWumman @Sunshineandbluesky @atiaofthejulii @Hisredipad

@Hisredipad - hope you're feeling better soon

Seeing him was so surreal I just cried and cried. Proper sobs that I've been holding in for days. He was very pale and I felt like I had made a terrible mistake as at first I felt it didn't look like him. After a while I felt a bit better and put all his things in with him and chatted away to him for a bit. I was then able to see how beautiful he was and I was glad I had went. To me it was just his body, the vessel that had allowed him to live on this earth but that wasn't really him and instead he is somewhere else watching me and caring for me.
It was nice to spend time with his family, they all said lovely things and said I was part of their family forever which was really nice to hear.

His funeral is tomorrow. I'm glad I have had 2.5 weeks to prepare but now it is time for his final journey. It doesn't really change things for me in terms of him being gone and I know it won't bring me any kind of closure. It will be nice to see his family and meet his work colleagues and hear all kinds of wonderful things about him. Part of me keeps thinking he will be there and this nightmare will end and we will go home together and hold each other tight forever more.

Thinking of you for tomorrow.

@ByHisSideAlways , sending you big virtual hugs xxx