This is life (after passing of DH)

[Hisredipad]

I spent a while searching for a post to join in but didn’t find anything like I wanted.

I just want somewhere to pop daily and say things I can’t say IRL.

fell free to join me

today was our big anniversary and im feeling sad he’s not here to celebrate it with but I bought myself something I saw yesterday im sure he would have bought me. Bizarrely opened a drawer just a moment ago and found last year’s anniversary card and the sweet words he’d written.

Happy anniversary DH, xx years were the best ever xxxxx

I know what you mean @WearyAuldWumman regarding going back to an empty house.
Getting away for a while does help to shoogle things about a bit so it's not all same old, same old but, of course, at some point, we have to come home - then the "alone-ness" feels somehow worse than usual - I suppose because we stepped off the path for a bit, so we have to adjust again to being alone.
The more I do it, the better I'm getting at it - but, I still don't like it - and I doubt I ever will.
Also sending @Sunshineandbluesky kind thoughts and all the strength in the world for tomorrow.

@Sunshineandbluesky i’ll be thinking of you tomorrow and hope that everything goes as well as it can do.

fortunately, I find an empty house and okay place to be DH was in hospital for three months before he passed away

He only came home for a few days on a couple of occasions in between those three months

For me, he’s still in some hospital bed in one of the three hospitals that he spent his last months in. It’s actually going out that I have a problem with, especially when I’m not actually going to a hospital to see him.

I really struggled to get through this morning. I can’t tell you guys what I was up to as it will be really outing but it wasn’t fun.
I spent most of the afternoon on the sofa feeling quite shattered, but as I’d only had about four hours sleep, I suppose it wasn’t surprising

Then I took the car to the supermarket car cleaners and sat and had a late lunch whilst watching about six men dancing around the car inside and out. It wasn’t cheap, but they made a lovely job and I was very happy driving at home.

@Hisredipad yours is the only post that I’ve managed to keep in my head by the time I started replying. I’m really sorry you had such a tough morning. Life is hard enough.
I am so touched that you’ve all been sending me support for tomorrow. Thank you so much.
I feel like this can’t be real at the moment. Surely my lovely boy really hasn’t been taken away from me. Surely this can’t have really happened . Surely I don’t have to live the rest of my life without him.
I was incredibly lucky to find him. But why should this have happened to him, to us? Why would I want to live another 30 years without him?
People keep pulling out of the funeral and I know he’d be hurt.
Can I tell you that he was the gentlest, kindest, loving man who was an amazing dad to our teenager and changed my life for the better in so many ways. But his illness robbed us of so much too. Why didn’t it happen to nasty people instead?

Big hugs @Sunshineandbluesky, I don’t really have any answers I’m afraid I think I can safely say that they generally only take the good ones most of the time.

I know DH would be very upset with what I had to deal with today. I made it thoroughly clear that I was really upset with what I had to do, and also let them know that DH would’ve been thoroughly disappointed as well and not overly pleased at what I was having to do. ( it’s nothing to do with the work crew but it is something through work).

@Hisredipad that is awful. My husband would be so cross on my behalf about things and was so protective, which was a revelation to me. I know I don’t ’know’ you but I feel proud of you for making that so clear to them. I’m so sorry you had to do it , it’s disgusting, but bloody well done!

@Hisredipad Ordinarily, I too have no problem being home alone. I feel very safe and secure here despite this being the place where he died. I feel closest to him here and am surrounded by lots of memories - all good. My problem arises when I leave home - usually for some sort of jolly that includes other folk - then, I have to come back and there's no-one here to ask how things went, say, "I looked after the garden" , "I fed the birds" etc etc.
It just sort of emphasises the fact that it's just me now.
I'm sorry you've been having to deal with tough stuff today.
Life's hard enough without anyone adding to the burden.

My difficulty is, what do I do with the rest of my life?

Thinking of you all - especially @Sunshineandbluesky I hope the funeral goes as well as it can.
@Hisredipad - I also think DH is still at the hospital. I genuinely don't know how people cope when they get a knock on the door and told their loved one is gone. Although we didn't necessarily know DH was going to die the thought had crossed my mind. Him being away for those 6 weeks also eased me into him not being here and I guess it is a bit easier now and I am getting used to it although I don't want to. I'm glad the clean car made you happy, we really do need to acknowledge all the small wins.
@Sunshineandbluesky - I can relate to everything you are saying. Why me? Why us?
@Wingedharpy - I totally understand the 'what do I do with the rest of my life?' - I'm not even 40 yet and I'm going to have to do the rest of my life without him. What's the point?! I don't mean that in a suicidal way but what is the point of life if you don't have someone to share it with?

I've not been on here for the last couple of days as I'm feel like I'm not grieving 'properly'. There have been tears but yesterday I don't think I cried at all. I keep thinking this isn't real and he will be at the funeral waiting for me and we'll come home together and live a very long and happy life with each other. Or I think I'm having some kind of mental health breakdown and this is all in my head. I know neither of these scenarios are true but I'm really relying on them to be so that the worst reality is not the one that is actually happening.
People are checking in with me which is nice but I know they will disappear soon when I need them most. If I could feel the way I am feeling right now forever then I think I would be ok. I'm very thankful to my brain for protecting me and I'm terrified of what will happen when I don't feel like this anymore and the full weight of the grief comes for me.
I have been speaking out loud to DH and trying to imagine what he would say in response. I know that he would tell me he loved me and that everything was going to be ok and he'll look after me. He would want me to be strong and live my best life.

I worry about betraying him and being disloyal. DH was a very private man and didn't like everyone knowing his business. I want to talk about him every minute of every day and I feel like he's somewhere cringing at me for the things I am saying but if I don't say them out loud what am I supposed to do?
It's only been 2 weeks but I worry I will forget about him or all I'll remember is the hospital where he was unresponsive for the last 3 weeks.
I've finished listening to 'The Madness of Grief' by Rev Richard Coles. I could really relate to some bits especially about taking underwear to the funeral directors as I was also unsure what the protocol was regarding that. It was an easy listen and might be helpful to others.

Sending love, @Sunshineandbluesky . Mean of me, but I realise that I'm bitter that neither of DH's kids or grandchild went to the funeral. It was during Covid, so it's wrong of me, but it still rankles.

I hope that everything goes as well as it can do.

Thanks @ByHisSideAlways . A relative sent me a copy of the actual book, but I've never read it. I might do that now.

The bit about the clothes chimes with me.

We were getting necessary work done on the house - the wetroom floor had given way, so the work was allowed. I'd packed a load of things out of the way and had also had to swap round her bedrooms in a hurry, prior to DH coming home from hospital. (Our room had been upstairs; we swapped to Mum's old room downstairs.)

I couldn't find his good trousers. He'd been using plain black tracksuit bottoms - as close to normal trousers as I could find - but I'd found a company that does partially elasticated trousers for adults. (He only needed help with the button, because his left hand didn't work.)

I recall the funeral director sending a message asking for his clothes - I'd ordered a new pair of trousers for delivery from M&S.

I'd sorted out his shirt and regimental tie. Also his blazer. Then I got a call from his brother, saying I'd probably have to remove the buttons. I checked with the FD, and it turned out that DH was right - the buttons were metal, you see.

I got Amazon plastic buttons and replaced them all. Someone had said "Oh, just use velcro - it's quicker," but I just couldn't.

I found his own trousers just as the replacements arrived.

I took everything in. Then I got a phone call to say that they couldn't use his sandals. (He always wore those latterly - sore feet and couldn't manage anything else.) Too much metal.

I finished up crying and asking them to make sure he was wearing his socks so he didn't get cold feet. Daft, eh?

Not daft in the slightest @WearyAuldWumman .
Just a grieving wife still looking after her beloved husband.
Nothing remotely daft about that.

@WearyAuldWumman - no not daft at all. I spent ages looking for the socks I had bought DH for our wedding last year as I want him to wear them but I can't find them. I guess it doesn't really matter but it does to me.

@Sunshineandbluesky hope today was ok, that you could get something helpful out of it. I woke up the next day feeling lighter, having been dreading it so much. I hope it doesn't feel worse anyway xxx

@Sunshineandbluesky , I hope today went OK, look after yourself in the next few days, I think it’s easy to crash a bit after such a difficult time. Xxx

DH went off with grandad socks and his golf glove in his pocket. I too had the dilemma of underwear, bizarrely I found a pair of boxers with hearts on them in the back of his drawer which I sent. (I bet there’s a lot of stories to be told about what goes in with our dearly departed).

I took the sparkly car to visit a newborn in the family and had a lovely cuddle. It’s been a good distraction from yesterday. My upcoming birthday of normally major celebrations was spoken about and I’ve told them I can’t bear to even think about it, I’m not sure I’ll ever do some celebrations ever again. I have told some of the family in the past few days I don’t think I’ve even started grieving DH and I’ve decided I need to be honest with them about how appropriately sad I am. I actually said it out loud today because I’ve been feeling a bit pressured to make some decisions about things which I have no wish to make or do.

I don’t feel anywhere old enough to be having a birthday of this age and DH had been suggesting all sorts and I’d said I couldn’t bear to think about celebrating something I’m so opposed to being. A friend said she thought it would be difficult, my first birthday without DH but I don’t think getting through the firsts is going to make it any better.

anyways, enough of my ramblings, thinking of you all,

Thank you so much all for your messages of support. Do you know what? I’d like to do it all over again. I got to shout from the rooftops what a wonderful man he is. We played his songs that he’d written himself, we played his poems and showed loads of photos to the beautiful music he’d written. I spoke (much to the shock of many people who didn’t think I had it in me) and wasn’t a bit nervous, just very upset. But it didn’t scare me because the worst has happened.
I told everyone how much he loved us and how happy I know he was with us. I want to tell the world now how wonderful he was. And that’s why I want to do it again.
There were times in the wake (stupid name) afterwards that the loneliness and pain felt overwhelming and a piece of me is missing from my own body.
Now life gets very hard.
Yes @Wingedharpy , what do we do with the rest of our lives? I agree. The future seems intolerable
I’m going to have to reply to everyone else tomorrow as I’m dropping with sleep. I hope you all manage to sleep well.

I'm in awe at your bravery @Sunshineandbluesky .
Your service for your husband sounds amazing and very personal IYKWIM - a real celebration of his life.
Well done - you did him proud.

I've realised what it is about this thread that draws me to it. It's not really about grief and despair; it's about love. And that's what grief is, really. An expression of love.

I still feel, weirdly, so lucky to have had my wife; I can't believe that she chose me, when I feel like she could have had anyone. Our lives were absolutely joyful, every day. I don't mean that we didn't have rows or encounter bad stuff; but every day, underneath whatever was happening on the surface, we felt so happy that we were facing the world together.

So no matter how bleak the future now seems, I am buoyed to have had that time of joy. And through this thread I get to talk about how much I loved her and to hear from you all about your loves. Hearing your stories is like getting a hug - and there are precious few of those available

@Hisredipad - I too have a big birthday coming up in a few weeks. It'll be the first 'first' without DH. No one has mentioned it which is fine by me. I'd be happy for it to be just another day but we shall see.

@Sunshineandbluesky - I am so proud of you. Your DH's celebration sounds wonderful and I'm happy you are pleased with how it went.
@Emptyandsad - I couldn't agree more. Grief is just love with nowhere to go. I am glad you feel that way about your wife. I too am trying to see it all from that angle. DH was the most incredible person and I got to spend 7 glorious years with him. If someone offered me a life without grief but with the condition of not having known DH I would still chose this life every single time. I cling to that thought all the time.

I've been thinking a lot about 'the afterlife' and what I believe happens next for DH. I hope more than anything that we will meet again. Is it safe to talk about this kind of thing here? I don't want to upset / offend anyone who's beliefs are not the same. I am also curious to hear what other people think but I totally understand if this is not the place for it.
I've been consoling myself with kind thoughts - DH loved me with all his heart, he would never have left me if he had a choice, he was happy, I made him happy, he loved loving me, he loved protecting and providing for me, me being in his life made it whole, he choose me. I know that sounds rather conceited but it's true and brings me tremendous comfort to think I made his life better.

@ByHisSideAlways

I don't share your beliefs about the existence of an afterlife - but I may well be wrong! And I'm not in the least offended by people having different beliefs from me. I think that when we die, that's it. Lights out.

It's funny though. Her ashes are in a cemetery not far from my house, put there because her children wanted somewhere to visit. The graveyard is close to public transport. However, in the event, they have never visited; I go every now and then - although I feel closer to her in places that we went together: our garden, the woods where we walked, in the mountains we spent time in

@ByHisSideAlways : Making those firsts, "just another day" was exactly how I dealt with (and still do to an extent), those significant dates.
I also made a point of telling people who I thought may want to make a bit of a fuss on the day, that fuss and jollity would not be welcome at Wingedharpy Towers!
We're all different but, for me, I found it removed any pressure to paste on the smiley face and pretend everything was lovely and fully appreciated when in reality, I may want to be alone to scream and wail and sob myself senseless (I didn't!).
Days spent in quiet, peaceful reflection, I found, could be helpful - but, again, I think it depends what sort of animal you are.
My theory is, some animals when wounded or injured (and what is grief if not a deep, deep wound?) need the rest of the pack to surround them and support them while they recover.
Other animals (me), when wounded, slink off alone to our lairs, where we lick our wounds, sleep and just try to survive until we have gained enough strength to emerge, feeling very fragile and attempt to continue with our life.

I believe in an afterlife of some sort.
I'm not in the least bit religious but I choose to believe we will meet again in some form.
I can't believe that someone so full of life and joy like my lovely husband could just be extinguished and that energy not be transposed elsewhere.
I have no issue whatsoever with people who do not share my views.

I think if we only ever converse with people who think like us, we never get to hear an alternative view and consequently never develop our thinking.

Gosh, I don't half ramble on once I get going!! 😅

@Sunshineandbluesky oh that sounds amazing! I'm so glad for you and for him that you could give him such a fantastic and personal tribute.

Reading this thread often makes me cry, but they're quite happy tears today, that's just so touching.

I’ve been mulling my response over a fair bit today.

I do believe in the afterlife and DH believed there was something.

for those of you that have read my previous posts, you will have seen that I have spoken a few times about Robbins. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always believed that the Robin represented the soul of one of our departed relatives.
normally I would say hello to a relative of mine and if there were two, I would always say hello to my relative, and hello to DH’s mother.

The visiting of a robin was prolific during the first few months after DH’s death. To the point where my belief has strengthened beyond doubt.

I personally think that I believe what I believe as it’s definitely a comfort. I’ve also had a couple of really odd things happen to me where a very close relative of mine who had passed away appeared to me when I was in need of comfort when gravely ill.

i feel the same as you @Emptyandsad that this thread is about love and how truly wonderful we had the opportunity of experiencing that love.

I definitely believe in an afterlife, when my partner so many bizarre, unexplained things happened and even though hes been gone 22 years if I call on him for a sign I guarantee I will get something.
It gives me comfort and has strengthned my belief, having said that if people dont have a faith then I dont push it on them, I respect they dont believe and leave it.

DH said that he believed that there had to be something.

I was taken aback when I got a phonecall from his daughter (very shortly after he died) and she said: "I don't know about you, but I believe that when you're gone you're gone."

I hadn't raised the topic and it seemed to me rather an insensitive thing to say. She followed this up with a laugh and "Mind you, I used to think that the robin that followed me around the garden was [her late partner]."

I had a few weird experiences after DH died. I'm not sure whether I was experiencing anything or whether I was hallucinating.

The weirdest was possibly the day that I had to go into the funeral director's to sign the documentation promising to pay for the funeral. I didn't know how I was going to cope.

I'd had to get up early because the council was coming to collect DH's equipment. After that, I lay down on the couch to try to catch a couple of hours sleep.

Next thing, I was woken by his phone ringing. I promise that it was well away from me - on a table at the other side of the living room - and I don't see that I could have touched it. Once of his friends: "Did you just phone me on DH's phone?"

"No..."

"My phone just rang and brought up his number. Only it wasn't a normal ring."

The ensuing chat did help quite a bit.

Then I got a knock at the door. A relative. I'm not really sure that he was allowed to be there - it was lockdown. "Something told me to come here. Are you all right? What is it?"

I explained that I had to drive [15 miles away] to the undertaker's. God bless him, he drove me there. We were both masked up, but I'm unclear as to whether we were breaking regulations. I think that you were allowed to hire a taxi at that point - you were certainly able to hire a funeral car, I recall.

When my mum died in 2001 I thought "right, this will sort out the afterlife question once and for all; because if there's life after death then she will find a way to talk to me". And there was nothing.

And then, some months later, I was working in the garden (and my mum was a mad keen gardener). And slowly I started to remember her and feel her. Not her presence, not a voice in my ear...but I felt close to her.

I don't know what it means; maybe just memory and familiarity, maybe just my yearning. Who knows