Child not upset by death

[Guineapiggiesmalls]

My mum died in February after a four month illness. My six year old daughter seems entirely unmoved by it.

They were close, enjoyed plenty of time together, we went on holidays with my mum and often stayed at her house. When I told my daughter she seemed disappointed but didn’t cry. And since then really hasn’t seemed affected by it.

I’m conflicted because I’m glad she’s resilient, and not overly emotionally but also - how can she not be more upset by the loss of her very lovely granny?! We were exceptionally close, and I feel very much that I’m still in the shock of grief.

Am I raising a sociopath? She’s a lovely child in every other way, no behavioural concerns. Is this normal?

Both of my grandfathers, who I was very fond of, died when I was about 6. I'm pretty sure I didn't cry. Maybe I cried in response to my mum crying, I can't really remember. But I'm sure I didn't cry spontaneously or feel like I was grieving. I'm not a sociopath, I think I just didn't have the emotional intelligence at that age to feel anything deeper than sad and disappointed.

My mum died and I’ve never shed a tear about it. Sometimes you can miss people without being upset. Pretty sure I’m not a sociopath

She’s quite little still, and probably death is a bit of an abstract concept. If she saw her granny frequently she will miss her in the sense of not seeing her iyswim but small children forget very quickly in my experience.

Thank you. I’m being a bit flippant saying that I’m worried she’s a sociopath, I’m fairly certain she isn’t, but she’s otherwise quite an emotive child.

Thanks for your reassurance. It’s a weird thing to be worried about, but grief does strange things I’m finding.

I am the same even now as an adult it’s as if I have some kind of mental block? Yes I can feel I miss the person who has passed but not enough to even cry? Some people are just like that I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. Offer opportunities to talk about the person and see how things go.

She isn't. Quite normal reaction for children her age.
Sorry for ypur loss.

I would say it is normal. She doesn’t have the same history and emotional attachment to her granny as you do to your Mum.

I can remember my two DC who were about the same age being somewhat confused by me blubbing all over the place at MIL’s funeral. They were very close to her but I don’t think they ever got emotional over her death.

She’s very young and probably doesn’t understand what death really means .
ie that it’s not temporary.
My DD and DN were that age when they lost their grandmother.
One was very matter of fact “ who is the oldest in the family now “ the other was quiet but became emotional and tearful 6 months later .
my other niece cried for days , she was 6 too .
They are all lovely and caring teenagers now .
Think people just act differently.

I’m so sorry for your loss .
Please be kind to yourself and take care x

My daughter was 7 when her grandma died. She was at the hospital at the time of passing so it was quite traumatic for everyone present. However after being upset in the immediate aftermath with everyone crying, it seemed almost like she forgot what had happened and was playing and singing, dancing around as usual. It felt very surreal to me. The grief counsellor said that children deal with grief very differently and it can take them longer to realise and deal with their emotions. This was true for my daughter. Although she seemed her normal self most of the time there would be moments especially whilst at school when she would break down and cry. I would say it took over a year for that to pass. So keep an eye on her and maybe let school know too

Kids just dont have the emotional capacity and Intelligence to reflect the way adults do

My dad died when DD was 5 - she quickly referred to him as 'extinct' (linked to what she was learning at school) it was a bit upsetting at the time but overall I was glad she had dodged the grief and sadness

Very young children have no real concept of death. They pretty much live for the here and now and anything that directly affects them. When I was six my dad nearly died. He was in intensive care for months. Looking back I know that my mother was fully expecting to be a widow any day. The night my dad was taken ill my mum bundled me in a blanket and took me to a neighbours house so she could travel in the ambulance with him. Although I'd seen my dad taken ill, and witnessed all hell break loose, I was excited to be staying at the neighbour's and sharing a bed with their child who was the same age as me and a regular playmate. Whilst my dad was in hospital I had to go with my mum to visit him but I wasn't allowed in the ward. I remember waiting in a side room and the Matron gave me a Cadbury's cream egg and told me jokes. I'd never seen a cream egg before (this was 1963). That moment is etched in my mind. My dad was possibly dying but mostly what I remember is giggling the night away with my friend and being given a cream egg.

She is 6. She possibly barely understands the concept of death properly- that it is forever. hardly surprising when we out so many euphemisms around death 'passed' or 'sleeping' or 'in heaven now'.

Or she may be processing things at her own pace- perhaps scared and unsettled by your own grief.

You can't expect an adult response from a child. You can just be with her while she works it all through.

It’s normal op. Me and my sister found our Nan passed away in her chair when we were little. I don’t really remember feeling much emotion at all. I remember my parents having big discussions about whether I should attend her funeral at my age, and thinking what all the fuss was about because I wasn’t really bothered. However I was absolutely distraught and cried for weeks when my hamster died

My dd was6 /7 when my uncle died, the only question she asked is if he was going to be buried or put on a bonfire apparently a Hindu child in her class had been telling them about her relatives funeral pyre! Kids can seem very matter of fact about these things compared to adults because they don’t have as deep feelings, they are interested in the now

As long as you talk about her granny and remember her and have used proper language like ‘dead’ or ‘died’ so she’s clear, I don’t think there’s anything to be concerned about.

I can remember my grannies dying when I was a child. I can remember both parents crying when they got the news, but I know I didn’t cry.

I really think children of that age aren't emotionally developed enough to understand. My son was 7 when my mum died. They were very close but when I told him he said She died? and then didn't react further. It took a few weeks to sink in then he was upset.
My grandads both died within a couple of years when I was 5-7 and I don't remember feeling upset despite loving them very much. It was only in my early teens that I recognised the hole they left.
I don't think your daughter is acting unusually, but she might start realising what she's lost in the coming weeks or months.
I'm sorry you've lost your mum.

It will take her a while to grasp the finality of this.

When our cat died, my DD said - "Can we have a white one next time?"

And when a close friend of the family and then her primary school teacher died, she and her sister built a "dying machine" consisting of chairs etc. upturned and draped with sheets and you had to crawl in one end and then come out dead at the other. I thought what strange children I have - but in fact it was there way of making it real I think.

Children react and cope in a very different way.

My granddaughter was 9 when her father died. She didn't cry at all.

She's definitely not a sociopath, but even now (as an adult) she has difficulty in displaying emotion in front of others.

She watched my husband's funeral online. According to her mother, she said that she cried as she did so, but wouldn't have been able to cry if she'd been with others.

Totally normal for that age. One of mine still cries occasionally when he thinks about mum (she passed 3 years ago) but didn’t really cry at the time ABs the other one didn’t cry at all but bawled his eyes out when pets have had to be PTS. They’re just really accepting and pragmatic at that age. It can be blooming brutal to deal with as a bereaved child.

Sorry for your loss xx

I don't think young children feel death like this. I remember a boy in our village being killed by a car when I was at primary school and our parents solemnly telling me and my brother, 'We've something very sad to tell you,' before going on to break the news.

My brother and I basically exchanged bemused glances and said, 'Ok,' and then went out to play saying to each other, 'Why was it sad? We didn't like him.'

We've grown up reasonably well balanced adults!

My dd was 5 when a grandparent died. Not only did she not cry and not react at all, she was even laughing inappropriately around that time, which terrified me.

She’s a perfectly “normal” young adult now, very emotionally healthy, very empathetic.

I can only guess that they have no concept of what death is and don’t have the emotional maturity to express grief

She's 6. Stop projecting your own grief, and stop pathologising your DD.

My great grandmother died when I was about 8 and I remember my mum in tears telling me and giving a big hug and I was sad but also slightly annoyed that I was missing Count Duckula on TV. My gran died when I was around 11 and I was more upset about that. Small children often don't fully understand death or illness.

Sometimes it hits kids much later plus crying isn’t the only way to show sadness.

I’m very sorry for your loss and hope that your DD’s mood stays the way it is now. 💐

I found this online , it covers to age 5 but I would include your dd as well .

Age two to five years old
Understanding
Young children are interested in the idea of death, for example in birds, insects and animals. They can begin to use the word 'dead' and develop an awareness that this is different to being alive. However, children of this age do not understand abstract concepts like 'forever' and cannot grasp that death is permanent.
Their limited understanding may lead to an apparent lack of reaction when told about a death, and they may ask many questions about where the person who has died is and when that person will come back. They may struggle with the concept of someone not being alive and may need reassurance that dead people feel nothing and therefore are not able to feel cold or pain.
Children at this age may expect the person to return. Young children tend to interpret what they are told in a literal and concrete way, therefore it is important to avoid offering explanations of death such as 'lost', 'gone away' or 'gone to sleep' that may cause misunderstandings and confusion. Provide honest answers to their questions but do not feel you have to tell them everything in detail or all at once. Information can be built on over time.
As a child’s understanding increases, so will their need for information, resulting in lots of questions. You may find you have to repeatedly answer the same questions, which is a sign that your child is trying to make sense of what has happened