Child not upset by death

[Guineapiggiesmalls]

My mum died in February after a four month illness. My six year old daughter seems entirely unmoved by it.

They were close, enjoyed plenty of time together, we went on holidays with my mum and often stayed at her house. When I told my daughter she seemed disappointed but didn’t cry. And since then really hasn’t seemed affected by it.

I’m conflicted because I’m glad she’s resilient, and not overly emotionally but also - how can she not be more upset by the loss of her very lovely granny?! We were exceptionally close, and I feel very much that I’m still in the shock of grief.

Am I raising a sociopath? She’s a lovely child in every other way, no behavioural concerns. Is this normal?

I remember my grandma dying when I was 6 and my granddad dying when I was 9. I was sad about it but not greatly so. I did understand that it was permanent but it just didn't seem like that big of a loss.

I think it's been the same for my DC when my mum died. They were sad, but haven't really talked about her much.

It's just different for adults I guess.

I find people rarely grieve how TV and other media makes it seem they should. Especially when the death was somewhat expected. And especially young children, who don't really understand death.

My DS was about the same age when his DGF died. His reaction was very similar. He was very quiet for a few minutes and then business as usual! I think kids just deal with it differently. He occasionally brought up memories for a while but hardly mentions him now (he’s a teen now).

They don't understand death in the same way we do she isn't a sociopath.

Well, safe to say I regret asking if she was a sociopath, even if I did clarify that I meant it flippantly…

Thanks for all the reassuring responses. As I said, I still feel very much in the early, frightening and quite shocking stages of grief, so I appreciate the kindness most of you showed when replying.

My grandad died when I was 8.
I remember going to my dads house while my mum went to my nan, and being pretty unfazed by it. I had a conversation with my dad about grandad being I heaven, and was probably having a drink with his dad who died years earlier. But otherwise I had a normal time at my dads, I don't remember being sad.
His funeral was on the same day as a school trip, and it didn't even occur to me to miss the school trip. I remember the school trip vividly, we collected bugs and had pie for lunch. I didn't give grandad or the funeral a passing thought.
I've not shown any other psychopathic tendancies.

My dd was 6yo when my DF who she loved died, she didn’t cry. I also remember relatives dying when I was young and didn’t feel overly emotional about them at the time.

Children process things differently, she probably dosnt fully understand the full impact and remember she’s your child not your mothers, they may have been close but her granny dying isn’t the same as her mother dying.

My son was the same, he's 14 and has lost 2 great grandmother's and 2 grandfather's, and didn't shed a tear. He was 8, 9, 10 and 11 at the times of the losses and just wasn't that bothered. It was more of a oh, that's sad, but can I have a sandwich? That kind of response. However, when our 3 gerbils and cat have died, he's been inconsolable. I too have found it odd but have been told its just how some children process death. My ds is ND as well.

6 is really young to understand death and how very final it is. She would probably be more upset if she broke her favourite toy. I honestly wouldn't worry :)

I was the eldest and I remember crying at a grandparent's death and noticing my younger siblings didn't and didn't seem that bothered.
They are all perfectly fine and empathic adults now!

I am sorry about your mum.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It's really hard dealing with it while also trying to guide small children through it! My youngest was 5 when his much loved grandad died and I had the same worries as you as he just didn't seem to react much. It took a good couple of months for it to sink in. I remember one bedtime he suddenly was utterly distraught that grandad had died and he had so many questions. Since then he settled to talking about it more but not being distressed, just a bit sad. Maybe it is just still sinking in for your DD?

Totally normal for her age. Don’t project your emotions onto her.

When I was about 15 my best friend died in a house fire. It was the summer holidays and I heard on the news. I recall watching the local news and they said that a 15 year old girl - then gave her full name including middle name which she had recently chosen to hyphenate to her first name - and said she had died.

I was sitting with my mother and said 'I have to call [ mutual friend] '. i called her and told her the news then sat back on the couch. I never shed a tear and indeed never mentioned anything about her for the rest of the day. I overheard my mother telling others with clear disapproval 'She never showed any distress at all, just got about her day'. My mother was always criticising me for something or other.

Truth was, my whole world at that moment had collapsed. I sort of retreated inside myself because she was my best friend, and my rock and I was totally shell shocked.

I have quite literally never mentioned her to my parents ever since her funeral. I did, however, name DS1 the male version of her name. And I am in contact with her parents and younger sister.

For young children- they don't know how to respond to death or even what it really means IMO. But even for those of us who are older, you cannot necessarily measure grief based on outward displays.

But even adults grieve differently and you need to be aware of this. My mother died suddenly a month ago - apart from just being very tired because of trying to keep up a very demanding job while travelling very long haul to sort out her funeral & estate, I haven't really cried or felt devastated. We were close, but I don't do grief in a performative way. It has made me contemplative, reflective, and grateful for her life and mine.

Maybe you would think I'm a sociopath. Even jokingly, it's not a good joke.

Our son was 6 when his grandfather died. He was totally calm and not the slightest bit upset which was a relief as the older ones were emotional wrecks.
until about 6-9months later, when we’d find him crying inconsolably after bed time. This continued for many months. I think at the time he’d just not realised what ‘dead’ was, that he’d not see gramps again. So you may well find it’s a delayed response once she realises it’s a permanent state of affairs.
Sorry for your loss.

Very normal.

My son was 8 when my mum. Died appeared compleatly unfazed even at the funeral. This lasted a full 6 months untill we went to see my dad when he suddenly sat down in the stairs and cried unconsoulably for about an hour.
I'm sure it's normal.

I personally didn’t give a rats arse when my grandma died when I was a child. I think it’s fairly normal

Kids react in all sorts of random ways. I've had to deal with my primary age kids losing two relatives and a much loved pet over the last 18 months. The older one hasn't said much but the younger one has asked lots of biological questions about the body stopping working. Younger one has also been keen to do things to remember them. But neither has done any crying that I've noticed.

I was 7 when my great grandad died
I knew he’d died. I knew what it meant. I saw him often. I remember just sort of nodding and telling people my mum was at her grandads funeral.
I didn’t cry.
the first time I felt proper ‘grief’ I was about 12 when my guinea pig died.
children that young simply don’t have the emotional intelligence yet. Keep an eye on her but I’d say it’s normal

my DP, his nan died last year and he never cried. Some people just don’t

My youngest cried more over her cat crying than one of her grandparents.
they feel things differently, and death is complicated. I’m sure I didn’t really cry when my grandmother died about aged 10.
she will be fine.

I think she is still very young and might not fully understand..My dad passed away last year, my son who is 7 year old got quite upset at funeral where as my oldest child try hold it in..My niece who was near 6, didn't phase her, as all yapping and smiling even saw her mum bawling her eyes out.

We have lost 2 people very close to us . First when he was 5 , the second when he was 13 - the two deaths affected him very differently .

The one when he was 5 just after he broke up for Christmas- he was very clingy - didn’t cry - went back to school - went back to normal .

At 13 very different more what we would think of as normal grief .

its definitely very young and is managing it together

Winston’s Wish is a great resource for understanding children’s responses to a bereavement. Your DD is reacting exactly how 6 yr olds react. I can completely understand your discomfort about it because it’s a very different response to what you are feeling, but it’s absolutely normal for a child.

i was 21 when my mum died, my youngest brother was 5, I was dreading telling him, but he was just so accepting of it that it almost felt wrong that he wasn’t more upset.

I am ND. I have no sense of time or object permanence. I can go years without contact with people who are dear to me because it feels the same as them being away for 5 minutes. I feel sad when someone dies, but it doesnt linger as it doesn't feel real and it is just like they stepped into another room.