Child not upset by death

[Guineapiggiesmalls]

My mum died in February after a four month illness. My six year old daughter seems entirely unmoved by it.

They were close, enjoyed plenty of time together, we went on holidays with my mum and often stayed at her house. When I told my daughter she seemed disappointed but didn’t cry. And since then really hasn’t seemed affected by it.

I’m conflicted because I’m glad she’s resilient, and not overly emotionally but also - how can she not be more upset by the loss of her very lovely granny?! We were exceptionally close, and I feel very much that I’m still in the shock of grief.

Am I raising a sociopath? She’s a lovely child in every other way, no behavioural concerns. Is this normal?

My own mum died three and a half weeks ago after a long illness.
I think I am still in shock and numb about it all. I miss her and I’ve cried a little but I don’t feel nearly as devastated as I thought I would when she finally passed. I’ve been wondering whether I’m some sort of sociopath but everything I’ve read points to the huge differences in how people process grief and how, for some, perhaps the brain protects you from feeling the full onslaught of grief all at once. But also probably relevant is the fact that my mum was suffering, she was ready to go and a huge part of me is relieved she is at peace.
My ten year old daughter knew for a while that gran was dying and thankfully we were able to prepare her particularly in the last couple of days when mum entered end of life care. She cried heavily when told gran would die soon and a little at the funeral but other than that and talking about her gran fairly regularly she is almost her normal happy self, as am I a lot of the time although it’s causing me a lot of guilt.
I’m trying to be kind to myself and just be present with whatever feelings present themselves and trust my mind to work through it all at its own pace.
I think also perhaps I’m at peace with her death, and perhaps my daughter is too, because death doesn’t change the love we had and still have for her. It shaped us both and will go on doing so. I still feel her love around me. That sort of love creates a permanence that isn’t dependent on the person actually being present. I know that probably sounds very ‘hippy’ and I’m not religious, but that’s what I believe.
Don’t worry about your daughter. She’s young and kids that age live very much in the moment, not looking forward or back very much.

My middle son was 4 when his Grampy died, he didn’t cry or seem particularly upset but one day,weeks later, completely out of the blue, he asked “is Grampy a skeleton yet?” He was obviously thinking about it more than we realised! He’s a well-adjusted 26 year old now 😀

I was the same

Sorry for your loss. Focus on yourself at this time. You lost your mum, that’s the big thing. It is normal for young kids not to have a a strong reaction.

I have a six year old and I feel like she has quite a good understanding of life.
But then I think back to being a child, and I don't think I was actively sad about a grandparent dying until I was about 11. I did feel sad about it later in life though.

Hi @Guineapiggiesmalls

My dd is older than yours but in the last few years has lost her paternal aunt, her best mates mum, her Grandad, my 16 year old step son and then this year my best friend.

At 6 they don't understand the feelings they have, and they also mirror the behaviour they see around them. Have you cried in front of her about the loss of your mum?

It's normal for her not to cry. At that age death has no context so they don't know that the expectation is to be sad and cry.

Books like the link below help you work through death with kids her age.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lets-Talk-About-When-Someone/dp/147295534X?source=ps-sl-shoppingads-lpcontext&ref_=fplfs&psc=1&smid=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&gQT=2

I’ve never cried at a death or a funeral, I’m 34. I just go numb. Not sociopathic as far as I’m aware(!) just not a crier. We all process and show emotion very differently.

We've had a few deaths, and neither of my kids 4 and 6 have been particularly upset about it. They are more matter a fact. For example, my 6 year old said ... nanny died, didn't she. It was because her body was old, wasn't it. You can die if your body gets broken as well. You're old mummy, are you going to die? I explained that eventually everyone dies because we need to make room for all the new babies to be born but that hopefully we'll die when we are very old.

She seems more worried that I will die than anything else.

@Guineapiggiesmallsam very sorry for your loss. I think it's a credit2 to you that your dd is secure in the love she has, not to feel grief or despair at the loss of her grandma.

My adored grannie died when I was 40ish and DS was 5. He didn't attend the funeral service but was at the reception. When we got back he blurted out "oh wow, did you see the bones?". We didn't explain to mother, why a small group of people were laughing.

My son lost his nan at 4 and still reminisces about her. He cries and did cry at the time.
My daughter who was 2 at the time, cries because she doesn't have the same memories of mum. So I gave her some small items that belonged to mum so that when she wants to remember her she can turn to those.
I work with a lot of kids and death/grief has affected them in lots of different way. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on not crying but keep remembering your dear mum and grief will find its way of popping up. It always does.

My favourite uncle died when I was five. I understood what it meant but wasn’t in the least bit upset. When my great grandmother died when I was 9 I cried. I think it’s normal for children to be a little detached from death. The time will come when the reality hits them when they are older

My MIL died two weeks ago and both our DS (8) and DD (6) are exactly the same. They cried when we told them as they knew she'd been poorly for a while but after that they've been fine - almost like nothing has happened. I'm putting it down to them just being very young and resilient. I'm sure there will be some days when they'll realise she's not there anymore and they will be upset but I'm not worried about it. Sorry for your loss x

I lost 2 loving grandparents when I was about 7. I remembered only crying in response to my mother crying.
I am not a sociopath. I remember being sad and confused and worried my parents were upset and obviously dealing with rather a lot. But no I was not distressed or crying I just carried on.
I think it's a bit out of sight out of mind at that age.
I have cried for them as an adult rather interestingly, when I realised what had been lost maybe? This was after the the more significant loss of my father.

I was 5 when my Nan died. I can’t remember being upset. She seemed old to me at the time and I think I just accepted it as old people did die. I think I would have been upset if it was my mum who was my whole world at the time

My dad died suddenly when my daughter was 5, she didn't seem 'bothered' about it at all, yet he was the one grandparent that would get down on the floor and spend hours playing Barbies etc with her, so I found it so weird she didn't seem to 'care'. I think they are just so young at this age it doesn't really register like it does with us. My daughter is now 11 and definitely not a sociopath and often asks about him!

My Nan died when I was 6. Don't recall crying. My cousin when I was 12 and we had talked about her cancer and she said when she's really sick, she wants to die. So, if she did, not to be sad. I think i first cried for her the day after my wedding when I left my bouquet on her grave.

My DGM, who I loved dearly but didn't see much of, died when I was 6. I couldn't understand why my mother was crying. I remember being quite unsympathetic about it.

I've grown up into quite an emotional adult who invariably cries at funerals, and who deeply cares for an awful lot of people.

I don't think you need to worry.

My daughter is 10 and her Granny on her Dad's side passed away recently, she was upset and sleeps with a blanket her Granny got her for Christmas one year. I attended the funeral on her behalf but didn't say too much until afterwards. I was 8 when my Uncle died, he lived with my grandparents right up until the end so it was strange not seeing him there.

Children deal with death very differently than adults. My father died when my 2 youngest sons were 7 and 8. They were mildly upset but I think upon reflection that was more a reaction to how upset I was. They are more emotional about it now they are 18 and 19. A dear friend of mine died at 41, leaving 4 children aged 4 months, 7,11 and 15. (15 yr old found her)They were incredibly resilient, far more so than any of the adults. Don't worry, she's not a sociopath. I'm really sorry for your loss x

she’s probably not got her head around the finality of it all, six is very young. It’s a bit like when a baby doesn’t have object permanence.

My son was 7 when he lost his dad to suicide. I could count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen him cry over it and he’s 14 now. He doesn’t talk about it though really, they sort of compartmentalise it much better than us I think, they don’t have the other worries that go with a death as they’re young and innocent whereas we think about the practicalities and reality of that person being gone. It’s just different for kids

My son to his nans death: (hysterical tears) I miss her so much I don't want her gone.
My niece of the same age: well, she's dead.

Different children have very different reactions. Just as we do as people. There a bit young to understand and it comes in waves of understanding as they develop. Some do get it though.

I had so many people die when I was small, and by the 6th I didn't visably react at all. Teachers and parents were terribly worried. I was a bit numb and I guess I'd learnt life doesn't really change and it happens all the time. But I do remember crying privately in my room in to my teddy, my mother is adamant that didn't happen and that I was an emotionless child for that final one.

It's all complex. I think it's easy to project own grief style on to others, especially our children rather than letting them be who they are.

We had a five old and a seven year old when MIL died. The five year old was very like your son.
The seven year old was at a different stage developmentally and did cry, but by the next day was excited for the visitors coming.

Stop it OP. There's nothing wrong with her.

First of all, as so many PP's have said, it's age appropriate.

Secondly, as a couple of PP's have pointed out, everyone processes grief differently. Your OP hit a nerve with me, because my dad died when I was 12, and I remember some nasty bitch at school asked me "why aren't you crying? Didn't you love him?". I have never ever forgotten that comment. So fucking offensive. Just because someone isn't blubbering all over every person they meet, it doesn't mean that they're not sad about the death of a loved one.

That made me smile.

DS1 was 5 when his GF died. At a moment of silence and reflection in the church service he piped up at the top of his voice; 'Is this where we sing Happy birthday to Granddad now?'.

Everybody burst into laughter and it was wonderful.

Sorry for your loss, OP.