I remember when my Grandma died, I was confused and shocked more than sad initially. Later that day someone came to visit and gave me a hug and said sorry and I genuinely had no idea what they were talking about as I’d forgotten.
I didn’t cry and remember being mildly irritated that everyone was being so different and I was just wanting to watch my tv show.
Her death actually affected me greatly and even though she was the first of all my grandparents to go it’s the one where I still tear up every time I think about it. I miss her terribly and desperately wish I’d got to know her on a deeper level than a child-adult relationship.
The other day I found a tiny notepad with only one page written in, where my grandma and I had recorded the scores for the game of cards we were playing at her house. I remember it so vividly. It’s been 23 years and I cried again because I so wish I’d gotten longer with her.
I remember by the time it did sink in I’d somehow gotten it into my head that I wasn’t supposed to be sad because I had “only” lost my Grandma and my dad lost his mum which was worse and I remember feeling almost embarrassed about the idea of crying in front of him. Almost like I felt I didn’t have the right (in a similar way to how you wouldn’t complain about being tired to a new mother).
I have no idea where I got this from and I imagine my parents were also confused that I didn’t show emotion. I remember years later wanting to express all the sadness but feeling it was too late like if I hadn’t done it at the time I couldn’t do it later. I never visited her grave because I was too sad and I was scared I would cry and not be able to stop.
I also remember that the last time I saw her she was in hospital and the environment really frightened me and I felt really shy. My mum was trying to get me to make conversation with her and I was being really awkward and difficult. I was also going through a phase of being quite cheeky and my grandma very very lightly chastised me for the way I was speaking to my mum.
It was the last time I saw my grandma and I spent years convinced that she died thinking I was “bad”. I remember many evenings sitting in my room sobbing silently and desperately praying that if there really was a heaven, could God tell her I was sorry. I’d then wipe my eyes, go downstairs and pretend I was fine.
As an adult, I am terrified of death and cry at the funerals of even distant extended family members. The idea of someone who I’ve known in any capacity suddenly not being here really gets to me.
If you were to ask my parents, they’d probably see it as I had very little reaction to her death, forgot about it immediately and then never showed any emotion afterwards. In fact there was all sorts of stuff going on that I was hiding and I can’t even articulate why.
So as others have said, it is normal if she doesn’t feel the level of sadness you might expect but there’s also the possibility she’s feeling more than you can see and she just isn’t showing it for reasons she doesn’t even know.