Child not upset by death

[Guineapiggiesmalls]

My mum died in February after a four month illness. My six year old daughter seems entirely unmoved by it.

They were close, enjoyed plenty of time together, we went on holidays with my mum and often stayed at her house. When I told my daughter she seemed disappointed but didn’t cry. And since then really hasn’t seemed affected by it.

I’m conflicted because I’m glad she’s resilient, and not overly emotionally but also - how can she not be more upset by the loss of her very lovely granny?! We were exceptionally close, and I feel very much that I’m still in the shock of grief.

Am I raising a sociopath? She’s a lovely child in every other way, no behavioural concerns. Is this normal?

My son was 5.5 when his grandma died, following a 3 month battle with cancer. He didn't cry when we told him she'd died- he said "that's sad, Do I have to cry? ...I'd rather have a bubble bath." I don't remember him crying.
Children process things differently. It may be that your daughter hasn't processed the loss of her grandma yet, or she may be grieving in her own way.

I am very sorry for your loss. Your daughter is not going to be upset like you are because she’s not lost her mum. Young children are only concerned about self preservation, your daughter has her primary carer with her, she is still safe and loved. You, however, have lost a central figure in your life. My husband had the same concerns about our 3 dd when his father died. To say they weren’t bothered is unkind but they certainly didn’t express the level of grief he almost needed them to. We did get a lot of factual statements at random times like, ‘your dad’s dead,’ but that was mostly from our youngest who was only 3 at the time. That was hard on my dh.

Maybe she feels so safe and secure with you. Sorry about your mum.x

Death is a natural part of life and it's good to be able to accept that. In some ways, I think it's easier for children to accept it as they have to learn so many new things about the world they live in.

She’s not old enough to understand the full implications of it. My dad died when dd was six. She can remember him, misses him and we talk about him often now she’s older.

That is twice you have described a six year old as a sociopath for not performing grief according to your expectations. I would suggest that in a few months when you have started to come to terms with loss yourself you will look back on this with a "what was I thinking" viewpoint.

There is no correct way to respond to death for a child or for an adult. Different reactions are not inferior or sociopathic or evidence of not caring. Death and how we react is different for everyone - there is no correct way to respond to death.

Young children will not respond in the same way as an adult, they will often ask very practical questions which would be innapropriate from an adult - "who will bring me $GRANDMASTUFF at Christmas?" would be a common one, ditto questions about bodies and coffins. The concepts of life and death are not fully formed. That doesn't make six year olds sociopaths - it makes them six year olds.

When my daughter was 7 her brother (21) died. He was picking her uo that day to take her out. In my experience your childs reaction is normal... everyone greieves differently and that includes kids. They don't understand the gravity and finality of it. Just let them b i am sorry for your loss!

Children are so resilient. My kids loved their grandad. They cried at his funeral, but then got on with their lives. That’s ok.

my child laughed when I told her about her great grandma. She saw her a lot sometimes up to 2-3 times per week she was only 5.5 at the time.
she knew she was poorly towards the end (she went downhill quite quickly) and I didn’t take her to see her a week before she died as she wasn’t able to converse etc.

sometimes when emotions are too strong you laugh, you back off etc.
she still talks about her etc
In your situation I wouldn’t worry, it would do her no good crying all of the time etc.
You could just sit and have a chat with her about your mam and go from there.
sorry about your mam OP xx

This is a hard one, I can cry at films and when the hormones are in full swing no stopping the tears. When my daughter turned 18 & when she graduated I cried!

I’ve lost my grandparents a different stages of my life (around 11, 16, 30 and 45 years old) and we lost my step brother when he was in his early 30’s I known him since he was 4. I’ve never cried.

I was very very close to my Granny. The eyes might fill up a little when I remember her but nope. When she lost grandad she never cried fully and I remember sat with her in the week after neither one of us - it was like we understood each other and that crying emotion wasn’t there for either of us.

I’m not a psychopath (well at least I don’t think so) I don’t know why it’s switched off in me. I know I care and feel terribly sad and miss them all. But it’s just me and the way I’m built (like my granny!)

If your mother’s death hasn’t impacted your DDs life on a daily basis then I think that would be quite normal for her age.

It probably means you have kept things pretty normal for her so she hasn’t felt the loss deeply. If she’s still got her primary caregiver/s loving her as usual and her routine is the same - then she won’t have felt the loss deeply.

I think that’s why a child can sometimes seem to be more upset at the loss of a pet that they interacted with it everyday, than an even quite close relative.

Developmentally children will be most concerned about something that affects them only. It’s might be proof that her attachments and your parenting make her feel very safe and secure. Secure attachment will make her more resilient.

I'm the same, my younger brother died last year and I was devastated and I still find myself welling up sometimes but I'm just not a crier. Dm though is and she is still breaking into tears. Df finds it difficult to handle as he says nothing will change the fact he's gone.

My grandma died when I was 8. I adored her and loved spending time with her. The first thing I said was "Can I have her jewellery then?". I'm pretty sure I didn't cry.
I just think it's how children's brains are wired. Maybe they can't process death in the way an adult can. Since my grandma died I've often thought about her and had dreams where she's still alive - even now and I'm 50! So it's not like she meant nothing. She remains a very important part of my life and childhood memories.

I remember when my nan died and crying,my 8 yr old daughter asked why I was crying and I said nan had died, and she said "but nan will be happy now she is with granddad again!" it was a very sobering thought and she was right!

Did you prepare her for your mother’s impending death?

My dad died when I was 6 but the week before he died he went into hospital via ambulance and I cried because I couldn’t go in the ambulance. .. I’m not a sociopath. I mean I’m a surgeon so maybe I am 🤣🤣

I will say from experience though that young children (below 7) need to be told again and again about the death. It’s not that they don’t understand it’s just it’s not permanent and that’s a normal child development process

I was 7 when my grandma died. I knew her very well, often staying with her for a week in the holidays. She was a beautiful, kind lady who was very good to all of us. I remember when she died after a short illness l was surprised everyone was crying as surely they expected her to die as she was so old. She was 54!!! I am in my 60s now and have been very upset by lots of deaths since, quite empathic with lots of friends. So my 7 year old hard heart did not grow with me.

Fairly normal, or even a possibility of neurodivergence. I’m autistic and my mum took her own life in November, I’m yet to cry or really show emotion as I just don’t really know how. Family called me heartless growing up because I never cried at grandparents funerals, but I just don’t process things like that the same way as others.
My 4 year old on the other hand is very open about missing “nanny who’s now in the stars” and talks quite often about how it makes him very sad, I think we all just show emotions differently. Don’t over think it, and I’m sorry about your mum 🩷

Oh come on, this is ridiculous. Not crying about a death is now a sign of autism?? Some people just don't cry! It's perfectly normal.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mum though. That must have been such a shock.

Not really ridiculous, it’s quite common that neurodivergent people process things like this differently. Definitely not saying her daughters autistic, just offering a different perspective, more reassuring that it’s not sociopathic and there can be many reasons why someone may not be sad over a death of a close person. Calm down.

💯 this.
i remember being at my granny’s funeral aged 5 or 6 and feeling like shit / loads of catholic guilt because my uncle chastised me for not being sad enough

I’m a perfectly functioning adult and not autistic 🥴

Oh I forgot to add if she does start talking about it/asking questions etc theres a really good little workbook my health visitor got me for my son which has activities on this topic, it’s been really useful
When Someone Very Special Dies

When my daughter was 12, her granda died suddenly of a massive heart attack. Her and her sister (who was 9 at the time) both insisted on going to school the next day.

When my dog died last year, my youngest was 7 and cried. But it was more (I felt) like she cried as it ‘was the thing to do’. I kept crying over it, and I remember her telling me ‘just don’t think about it like I do, and then you won’t be sad’.. kids handle things differently. She may not realise yet just what death is, and how permanent it ors.

Sorry for your loss btw!

My grandparents died when I was 7 and 14. I wasn’t bothered by either of them dying. I don’t think I gave either of them a moments thought after they died. I’m not a psychopath at all. In my mind they were old, old people die and I didn’t think of it in any more detail. To be fair they weren’t particularly old but at that age they were to me but I didn’t rationalise it more than that