Sudden death of husband

[Birthdaycake369]

My husband died on Saturday from a sudden suspected heart attack, he was only in his mid forties. I heard a bang and found him face down in our home and called 999. The operator told me to do chest compressions and the ambulance came but they couldn’t get a heart beat for a long time. He was taken to hospital but the next day we had to let him slip away as the doctors said his brain was so badly damaged he couldn’t recover. We have 2 primary aged children together. I feel deeply traumatised by what happened, I’m feeling quite numb but also crying and also have feelings of guilt. People keep saying I should have some grief counselling, is there any counselling that others who have been through similar could recommend? Thanks

So sorry for you and your children. I haven't been through it but didn't want to read and run. Hopefully someone comes along with some support for you 💐

I’m so sorry OP - you must be devastated. Grief counselling is important but I would say not for now. You need some time to process things and get the funeral underway. Cruise were brilliant for me when I’ve lost people but I’ve also heard there is a charity called WAY widowed and young.

I am so sorry for you lord - you must be beyond devastated. Your gp will be able to direct you to grief counselling and I know some people have really benefited from it.

Be gentle as you can on yourself, there is no rush in making any choices right now.

I am so very sorry for your loss @Birthdaycake369 💐

I am so sorry @Birthdaycake369

Yes, please contact WAY widowed and young.

https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. The shock of it is probably still overriding everything else. I lost someone in similar circumstances last year and the first ten days were mostly reeling with shock and adrenaline and a wave of sadness.

Do you have anyone who can come and help with feeding you all and doing some of the basic things for you and the kids that are probably a bit too much right now.

Be very gentle on yourself and allow the emotions to flow and let your kids feel what they need to feel too. I really am so sorry - what a devestating and shocking loss for you.

So sorry for you and your children!

There is an excellent online organisation Widowed and Young (WAY) for excellent advice and support from people in similar situations, plus lots of resources - for when the time is right. As mentioned upthread, counselling - but probably not helpful at this early stage.

You poor thing, I'm so sorry this happened. I agree with everyone, that the focus might just need to be on plodding through the next few hours and days, do you have family support or friends that can help you with the practical side of living and caring for the children, by doing things like shopping, childcare, cleaning and just being a companion for you?

Cruse have a helpline, but it can be busy, so pick your moments. Later on there may be counselling options, but in some ways that level of reflection might just be an extra thing to do right now, your GP or counselling organizations can help you when you are ready.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/

What an awful thing to happen. I'm terribly sorry.

I'm so sorry.

When dh died, seeing my GP was essential. Please do call and get an appointment if you can. They may direct you somewhere like Cruse, but I hope they will see you. The shock you are going through deserves medical support.

Do you have anyone who can make calls on your behalf? Put the word out among friends?

Thank you, to be honest I don’t feel ready for grief counselling but several people have asked about it suggesting I need it so I can be strong for the children. I’ve got good support from my husbands family it’s just I didn’t realise how much I leant on him and now he’s gone it’s so lonely. It would have been his birthday and our anniversary next week which just makes it worse. I think because it was sudden it’s left me feeling guilty over the times I would complain about trivial things like him leaving a cup on the side etc and now I wish I had spent more time appreciating him but it’s too late. Thanks for the replies

Sorry for your loss.

Quite frankly, those people can do one! You can't just get over things quickly so you can 'be strong', it doesn't work like that when you lose your beloved husband. It might be your family need to support all of you, including the children, and friends around you, and get their teachers, club leaders and perhaps in time therapists in to support them, so that you can also grieve, which as a young widow, you will just need to do, because it will happen anyway whether you like it or not.

There's something about dying and death that brings out the 'helpful advice' from those who haven't lived your life, you sound like you are coping the best anyone could under the circumstances, perhaps those people could cook stuff and bring it round, or provide some childcare so you can sit and have a weep. I would not take on their 'be strong' stuff unless it works for you and how you feel right now.

Down the line when you’re feeling up to it get counselling for your children. They may seem over it, but they won’t be.

don’t make any changes for at least a year.

don’t feel the need to “be strong” for the children. Let them see you grieve and allow them to do so as well.

don’t ever feel you need to be over it, or worry that you should be over it. It may hit you in 10, 20, 30 years time. It will be ok though and you learn to live with it.

I am so, so sorry. This is just absolutely devastating for you and your children.

OP I am so sorry

Thinking of you and your kids

What a loss for you all xxxxxxxxx

I talked to ds's school very early, and they were brilliant. They had a counsellor too, and he met with her for a while. They suggested helpful organisations. Again it was really good that ds's GP (also my GP) was up to date with what was happening.

@Birthdaycake369 I'm so sorry for your loss.

Could I suggest something to potentially help your children? Winston's Wish is a charity that supports bereaved children. I know you came on to ask about you but could someone perhaps ask them for some help for your dc's?
Sending you love xxx

@PermanentTemporary Yes the school have been great and both children have had time with the counsellor this week. I’m focusing on them which helps me too, when they’re at school and in bed I’m finding it tough

What a terrible loss you've all experienced. I am so sorry. I agree that grief counselling wouldn't be a good idea just yet but would be in the future. Take really good care of yourself and the children now and let others help as much as they can 💐

It can take months for the shock.of the situation to go and reality to set in. Counselling might be better in a few months. The same thing happened to my sister. Try to eat and if you need a sleeping tablet take one to get you through the funeral.period. accept all help offered. So sorry this happened to your DH. He wouldn't have been in pain for more than a few minutes. 💐

Hi OP.
Sending you love and strength at this difficult time.
Sue Ryder have a fantastic online forum for grief, as do WAY (widowed and young).
For your children, Winston's wish website is fantastic, as is Daisys dream.
💐💐💐💐

I’m so sorry, how horrendous, id love to give you a massive hug.
There’s really not a rush, you don’t have to ‘get over it!’
Cruse we’re honestly amazing for my husband and I when we had a parent & sibling die on the same day between us. They have a bit of a wait list (I think a couple of months) so we found it was worth registering initially and then by the time we were through the wait lists we were ready for it. It’s free and actually some of my family voluntarily donated to the charity after knowing they supported us. It was honestly invaluable.
sending you so much love, please be kind to yourself xxx

Oh OP this is devastating for you all. I’m so sorry. I agree with everyone else that it’s often just about putting one foot in front of the other- survival mode- for the time being. Counselling can come later. In my experience people often suggest counselling because they’re uncomfortable with having to talk about death or dying. Don’t feel pressured to be strong, just do what you can to get through.