Sudden death of husband

[Birthdaycake369]

My husband died on Saturday from a sudden suspected heart attack, he was only in his mid forties. I heard a bang and found him face down in our home and called 999. The operator told me to do chest compressions and the ambulance came but they couldn’t get a heart beat for a long time. He was taken to hospital but the next day we had to let him slip away as the doctors said his brain was so badly damaged he couldn’t recover. We have 2 primary aged children together. I feel deeply traumatised by what happened, I’m feeling quite numb but also crying and also have feelings of guilt. People keep saying I should have some grief counselling, is there any counselling that others who have been through similar could recommend? Thanks

Couldn't Leave this message unanswered just wanted to send all sympathy and hugs 🫂

Sorry for your loss @Birthdaycake369 . My dad died of a sudden heart attack just after his 51 st birthday and 2 days before my parents 25 th wedding anniversary . My advice would be don’t allow anyone else to tell you how to feel or what to do . 💐

I don't have any advice except try to be kind to yourself and to say I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such a thing.

Thank you all for your support, it means a lot

I am so very sorry for your loss.

My DH died of a heart attack away from home at a similar age, my DC were 17,15 and 11 just focus on you and the children for now, counselling or joining support groups can be helpful further down the line when you feel read. Widowed and Young was a great help for me and the children when that time came and we had processed things a bit.

I found the funeral and admin helped get me through the first part, it was something to focus on, be prepared that things may be harder after the funeral as the permanence of it all sinks in then. Do let family and friends support you if they are available to you.

I received a great deal of support on here, so do keep posting it helped me.

So sorry my thoughts are with you and your children x My Dad passed away a month ago suddenly with meningitis. I get bereavement counselling through work health insurance, but when I enquired I got told I had to wait three months for the structured sessions. I think it's 6 months with cruse

I am so very sorry.

My husband was older when I lost him to a heart attack. I felt guilty over not managing to bring him back via CPR and talking a young woman on the Samaritans helped a great deal.

I've been told that CRUSE can help.

So sorry for your loss, just to add when I went to the GP after a sudden Bereavement he referred me for bereavement counselling, I was finding everything overwhelming but something he said really stuck. Your feelings are normal, the problem with the modern world is people are expected to 'get on with it' but that's not how emotions work, and it's OK to feel everything you feel, there's a reason in the past people had a period of mourning, because those feelings need to be given space x

When I lost my partner suddenly I had a CPN come to visit me at home quite soon after. They also visited my DPs family. I believe they came weekly for the first few weeks and helped me to work through my thoughts, it was such a huge shock to us all and I found it really helpful to at least understand that how I felt was normal in the circumstances. I found myself terrified and angry at the world and they really helped me process that. My GP surgery was also fantastic. They prescribed sleeping tablets immediately which helped massively and arranged for sick notes to be collected without having to even speak to a doctor. I’m so sorry you’ve joined the widow club, it’s utterly crap. Sending you and your family love and strength x

Following on from someone mentioning not letting anyone tell you how to feel...
If you need to balance that with kids needs, try to find a ring fenced time when they are at school or away, to allow yourself to absolutely grieve and be sad.
And it comes in waves, some days there will be nothing except numbness. Other days rage, others everything, sadness.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for what you have been through. There is a wonderful community "young and widowed with children" on Facebook. There are many people who will share in your awful experience x

So sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss.

A friend of mine was also widowed when her husband died in his mid-40s. She also has two young children. It was a huge shock for everyone. She has mentioned that people she didn't expect to support have been great and some closer friends haven't been there for her at all, so be prepared for that. I think the first year is just about getting through it, probably in something of a daze.

I am so sorry for your loss❤️. My husband died suddenly in an accident in February this year and the first weeks were autopilot and getting him home ( he died abroad ) and planning the funeral . Since then I have had 8 counselling sessions - I found it helpful to talk with someone who didn’t know us - not only about the loss , but also about him , our life together and why we fell in love. I think sudden death is maybe hard in a different way because you haven’t had the chance to have some of the conversations you might have had and to say goodbye. I found it helpful to talk ( although must admit I cried in every session ) - and it was helpful to talk freely without worrying about upsetting someone. Ignore the people who say what you ‘ should ‘ do - they have generally not experienced what you are going through and have no idea how this feels. You are getting up , getting dressed and loving your children - that’s enough - and I am sure he would be proud of you .

I was a very young widow, it's tough. My experience was that the first year is dreadful, mainly because you are in shock for most of it. Other people are definitely weird, I had acquaintances crying all over me and people who crossed the street to avoid me. Then there were the 'Yououghters' you ought to have a holiday, buy a TV, get out more. Always someone who knew better than me how I should live. I cried for hours, until I threw up some days. Eventually I realised that I was crying for me not him and self pity didn't feel good so I did my best to stop. Eventually it did get better, not because I stopped caring but because I accepted that it would always hurt, it was a part of me forever. I remarried and had a family but he's always in my heart and after nearly 50 years I still cry occasionally. It will take time but you can get through this, not because you will stop being sad but because you don't really have a choice. Take life a day at a time, be kind to yourself, accept any help that's offered and avoid all but the most urgent decisions for the time being. I will add you to my list for a prayer tonight x

I'm so dreadfully sorry @Birthdaycake369

Thinking of you.

Hope you and the kids are doing as well as you can be.

Xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't expect too much of yourself, cry all day long if you want or need to, and ignore people telling you you should be strong for your kids.

I am so very sorry for your family’s loss. There is no single recipe for how to handle grief or shock. You are experiencing both. In these cases it is common to feel like you’re just going through the motions until your feelings trickle in. It’s absolutely normal to feel distanced from the situation - it’s a protective measure - and you have kids whose emotional state you are protecting. I can imagine you are starting to go through the stages of grief - immense pain, anger at the unfairness of it all, etc…. You may have a house full of well-meaning relatives there to “help” who are also struggling to process their feelings and you are allowed to resent their intrusion. A specialized grief counsellor might be a very valuable asset for you, to allow you a safe space to process your feelings at this time.
Once again, I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

@Birthdaycake369 I am so sorry for your loss. I had almost a carbon copy of this happen to me in February. My husband had a cardiac arrest and a heart attack at the same time and my attempts at CPR didn’t save him as although his heart was eventually started again he was too badly brain damaged to survive. I am not trying to hijack your thread with my own story but I just wanted you to know you are not alone as that can be how it feels. I have joined WAY and a couple of on line forums which have helped. I am also receiving counselling via my work.

As someone has already suggested I went to see my GP but he wouldn’t talk to me about what happened due to confidentiality issues with medical records. He did confirm there were no genetic issues that my children needed to be aware of though which was something.

I live each day at a time for now because the future is too scary. I am also following advice to let the grief happen but that must be hard when you have children at home (mine have both moved out). I am happy for you to PM me if it would help in any way. Big hugs to you xx

I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. Sending you strength x

@Waxlyrically It really helps to hear that people have gone through the same experience, I’m so sorry for your loss. We are still waiting to hear the exact cause as post mortem couldn’t establish exactly what caused it so organs have been removed for further tests by the coroner which is even more upsetting. I also find that looking too far ahead is scary because it feels like there will never be any joy in life again. Thanks for the hugs and thanks to everyone who has commented, hopefully this will get less painful with time.

OP, I'm sending you much love. My DH died suddenly 8 weeks ago and I watched him die, so I know that you are now facing not just the shock and deep sadness but some horrible visual memories.
I'd like to say they go, but it's not true for me yet, although they are lessening. I have found a lot of comfort in talking to his picture at the beginning and end of each day, and this is helping bring back good memories.
It's early days for you now. Focus on your children, they can be surprisingly resilient.
xx

Thank you @wink1970. I’ve just been to see him in the chapel of rest. It all feels so unfair, I wish we had more time together. The kids are getting me through each day, without them I would be even more of a mess. I’m so sorry to hear you have been through this too xx

I went through this three years ago. My doctor told me that the visual memories would fade and she was right.

Thinking of you both.

Go see him lots! We got great comfort from this and it's over before you know it, so go talk to him as much as you can xx