Sudden death of husband

[Birthdaycake369]

My husband died on Saturday from a sudden suspected heart attack, he was only in his mid forties. I heard a bang and found him face down in our home and called 999. The operator told me to do chest compressions and the ambulance came but they couldn’t get a heart beat for a long time. He was taken to hospital but the next day we had to let him slip away as the doctors said his brain was so badly damaged he couldn’t recover. We have 2 primary aged children together. I feel deeply traumatised by what happened, I’m feeling quite numb but also crying and also have feelings of guilt. People keep saying I should have some grief counselling, is there any counselling that others who have been through similar could recommend? Thanks

@AppleDumplingWithCustard thanks for this, I will check with their schools when they go back in September. I managed to get them some private sessions over the holidays, they were very expensive but have been very beneficial to them

I'm so sorry. I'd let the children school know so they can set up support. Friends who've experienced this felt like counselling was helpful after a few months, I'm sure you're still shocked. Sending love.

Hi @Birthdaycake369

So sorry for your loss. I don't know which area you're in, but if it happens to be Hampshire, there is Simon Says, which is a lovely organisation that supports bereaved children.

Take care x

So sorry for your loss.

My husband died by suicide a week ago (I also have two primary school aged children).

Are they doing a post mortem? That’s a very traumatic experience. I hope you have family around you.

I am so sorry @Jollyoldholiday .

@Jollyoldholiday I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering too. Sending strength to you and your children. @LadyGabriella the post mortem was inconclusive so still awaiting coroners report. My eldest has just changed schools this week and I’ve just found out they don’t offer any support. It’s such a struggle trying to find help that’s suitable for their age and I can’t afford any more private sessions. Plus devastating stuff has come to light this past week which has broken me. It’s becoming too much

Birthday cake can I suggest that if you haven't already you have a look at the Grief Encounter website
I have no personal experience of the charity and only came across it quite by accident when I began following someone on instagram who was raising funds for it by walking the coastline of Britain.
He had had the misfortune of finding his dad dead in bed when a young boy and wished that the help this charity provides for bereaved children had been available for him.
I know that lots of people recommend Winston's Wish, but you may find that Grief Encounter can offer some help for your children.

How terribly sad. Do you have family / friends support around you? Would there be life insurance or anything later down the line? If so could you continue the private sessions on a credit card or something for now?

I am so sorry for your loss 💐

@millymae thank you I will have a look at that.@ForgotThePlantsAgain there is potentially a life insurance policy but I don’t know if it will pay out so I don’t want to get into debt in case it doesn’t (it’s been set up so the estate has to go through probate before it’s paid). When the kids were born I went down to part time to fit around caring for them and then school hours so my income is very small. Thank you all for your replies

I am so very sorry for your loss. My child was six when we lost his dad tragically & suddenly. It was the worst time of our entire lives. I didn't know how we would cope. We did! One day at a time. Take time to cry each evening when the kids are in bed. I asked my son to tell me stories about his Dad. I wrote them down as he said them word for word. I compiled a big book of stories. He is 17, and now has all of these stories that he wouldn't have remembered if we didn't write them. It was also a good emotional release for him. I waited about six months before starting counselling. More than welcome to pm me. Sending love. X

@Kottontail thank you for sharing, writing down the stories is a lovely idea. I’ve started some counselling now as I felt I needed some support lately. It’s very difficult but I think it’s helping. I think I’ve managed to sort out some help for my eldest now which is a weight off my mind. Sending love to you too

@Birthdaycake369 So sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in very similar circumstances (and age) to yours just over a year ago now… No warnings, no previous health issues… just gone due to a heart attack. We have no answers which adds to the shock. With zero warning signs like you, it’s terrible. Feels like a horror film, that day replays in your mind constantly.

Hope you are taking care of yourself and doing okay. Feel free to private message if you would like to talk. It can be so nice to feel heard with someone who has been through the same set of circumstances. 💐 xx

@Birthdaycake369 I'm going through a very similar situation. My husband died suddenly and expectedly at the end of January. We have 2 children aged 11 & 8 years.
How are you and the kids doing?

I'm so very sorry for your loss, how shocking and sad. Just take it a day at a time.
My thoughts go to everyone else on the thread who have lost a loved one, too.

Very similar happened to my sister's first DH. He died of a massive heart attack at 41 and she was left with 3 DC. She found grief counselling useful after the first 6 months. Up until that point she was a bit like a zombie. My Mum moved in with her for 4 months to help her get through the funeral and help the DC cope as well. My Dad took over lots of little jobs for her too cutting the grass, sorting out a leak in a shed etc. and took grandkids to the park. I hope you have good support to help you get through it too OP. Sorry for your loss. 💐

Fully agree with this. You are going to be numb and in so much pain for a long time. Counseling will be more effective when some time has passed and you are a bit less raw.

So sorry for your loss OP. What a tragic experience

There is no right or wrong way to get through this but I promise it will one day get a little easier 🥰
My partner died suddenly 2 years ago at the age of 35 and I just couldn’t make any sense of it . I used to sit in a daze for hours looking at photos of him trying to understand . Even now it doesn’t make any sense .
Life really isn’t fair .
You might have a bit of ptsd due to how you found him so please speak to your doctor and take care of yourself . It’s a traumatic time right now but how you feel is normal x

Hello. I am so sorry this has happened to you. A very similar thing happened to us last June. My husband (aged 54) came home from work one day, complained he was feeling unwell and thought he had indigestion. I was worried as he looked uncomfortable and called an ambulance, despite him saying not to. As I was on the phone he passed out. I gave him cpr, got him to hospital alive but he, devastatingly for us, died five days later. It came from nowhere for us and I have two boys now aged 17 & 22. Has been a tough year but we are all here, all smiling every day and doing our best to enjoy life. Sending you love.

Hi all, thanks for your kind messages. It will be almost a year since it happened now. The children are still struggling massively as you would expect. They are having private counselling as I couldn’t find anything suitable for their ages through charities/nhs. Unfortunately things took a turn for the worse late last year when I was sorting out his phone and came across messages going back 3 years where he has been unfaithful. This on top of the trauma around his death has been very hard to deal with. I feel very alone since making the discovery as there is not much support for this type of grief. In a way I wish I hadn’t found out so I could go on believing he was who I thought he was. I am not coping very well although I pretend I’m ok

That sounds very tough indeed @Birthdaycake369. Are you getting any support for yourself? Have you told anyone about the infidelity?

@Malbecmoron I’ve told 3 family members and my closest friend. None of his friends are aware and they still contact me to chat fondly about him which I find difficult. I am seeing a counsellor a couple of times a month. I only talk about it with my counsellor as the people I’ve told don’t like to talk about it as I think it makes them uncomfortable, especially family members. I just can’t get my head around it.

On a human to human level I am so deeply sorry for your loss and the emotional turmoil you must all be going through right now. There is no hurry to process this, there is no hurry to get over this, there is no hurry to get back to 'normal' whatever that may be. It's going to be extremely painful. Get support wherever you can and lean into it, do what you have to do get through the days to come. Grief is so complicated don't feel like there is a right or wrong way to do it. A debrief of what happened may be more beneficial at this point with counselling from an experiences friend counsellor or grief support coming after when you feel strong enough.
I wish you all the love in the world and hope you manage to put one foot in front of the other long enough for it to start to feel a little easier xxxx

I'm sorry that you're going through this added trauma @Birthdaycake369 .