Anyone facing first Xmas after losing a mum. I need to not feel all these shit things.

[Knackeredhamster]

I love Christmas and I'm so fucking pissed off with the fact it's never going to be the same.
Today I'm just staring at my tree, the natural desire to bring it in from the garden is there but I don't want to at the same time.
I'm worried about how this grief will present itself in each of the days up to Christmas.

Then what. I'll get thru it of course but part of me doesn't want to get through this because that means it's true. She's died.

I might just check in here to vent. I might be of help to others but I can't be sure.
I just need people. People who need the same. To just be in this painful place with me because today it's just got overwhelming and I'm so tired.

Much love

Yes. She'd been ill and very unhappy for years, so I'm glad she's not suffering any more, but Christmas does seem pointless this year.

Second Christmas without my lovely mum. It's still not real and I don't think it will ever feel the same. Sending good thoughts to all of you who are also missing the people you love.

Yes the Christmas song.

I was at a hair appointment the morning that she died, she had Bern gone about 8 hours at that point

I was having my hair rinsed and just started crying because of the song being played. I had pre-warned my hairdresser so she knew why I was sudden tears.

Today has been hard. Been to my parents (well, dad’s, but it seems weird to call it that atm) and there’s such a gap without mum being totally OTT with Christmas preparations . I’ve been mostly ok up til today, but seeing an older couple earlier when I was out having coffee, really reminded me of my mum and dad; the way they were compensating for each others lack of mobility, sharing a cake, having a chat etc. I started sniveling in the Dunelm cafe, so had to make a hasty exit!

So many memories that it’s impossible to get through this season without it all coming over you - it’s shit 😥

I’m struggling today. I saw PIL today and they’re been so vague about when they’re coming over to see us on boxing day and how long they will stay. We can’t go to theirs as they have untrained BIL’s dog again. I feel like say FFS what my Mum would have given to spend another Christmas with her grandchildren and you can’t organise yourselves. PIL love my children but they’re just disorganised so it’s not that they don’t care. Add in the ‘D’H is needing repeated prompting to sort his family out. This drives me crazy every year but I have little resilience left today.

Third Christmas without my little mum. Youngest DC just turned one and I just wish she could see him.

Christmas Eve hugs to all. I’m trying to keep busy today and get a head start on tomorrow’s cooking. I had to go to my mum’s house yesterday to collect some large presents that she’d been storing in her garage. It was surreal and awful and I do think there’s some part of my brain still in self preservation mode that believes somehow I need to get through Christmas and then somehow it will be better. Even typing that is ridiculous but struggling to express myself because I know it won’t be better.

My Mum was a florist. We took Dad to a Remembrance service a few days ago for those who had lost a loved one this year. We were each given small candles to light there. We bought them home with us and I have just used them in a centrepiece table decoration for tomorrow, using greenery from my garden. It felt like a little tribute to her & her skills. I could hear her in my ear as I did it, 'Start with the foliage and cover the oasis...' We will light them tomorrow at lunch.

I know it will be hard - but I'm hoping new rituals will give me comfort. I'm thinking of all of us xx

It's coming up to the anniversary I lost my mum on 3rd Jan. She went into hospital on 28th Dec last year. The thing that's keeping me focused is my Dad. He missed out on the last three xmas's due to health issues so I want to make the effort for him. Otherwise I don't know what I'd be doing. I haven't made nearly as much effort as usual with gifts, stockings etc because my 14yo has decided she would prefer to go to her dads this year and my other children are 17yo and above.

Same here. I'm struggling. I am dreading tomorrow but we'll get through it. I am not ready to be a grown up yet.

My condolences and love to you all. I lost my mum this year and my sister (only sibling) last year. It’s so hard accepting that life will never be the same again, especially at Christmas xx

Mum died 4 days ago. No other family. I'm awake at nights and sleeping through the day so I can ignore it all. Waiting for prozac to kick in. Even called the samaritans for the 1st time ever. I have started writing a sort of letter conversation to my mum. Like talking to her every day in this letter/journal. I think it is helping. So painful and terrifying to lose loved ones especially when you have no other family to soften the blow.

I'm sorry for your loss. My mum died on the 22nd after a year of awful slow decline with cancer. It's been a horrible time and even though I knew she was dying, her death has been a shock. My life feels obliterated.

I've checked out of Xmas totally. My EH has children - took several attempts of communicating to him that I couldn't do it, be the sole adult and parent effectively. I'm either sleeping, crying or in a state of bewilderment. I can't think about other people.

I've been sleeping on my dads sofa for the last two nights. I didn't sleep at all the night it happened. I'm meant to be starting a new job beginning of Jan before we will even have had the funeral. Just can't do it as I'm also dealing with it all alone. Dad is elderly and ill.

One beautiful thing was that despite being exes my dad spent every day at the hospice with her. Although he wasn't there at the end and she was alone, we'd all been with her that day and seeing that love between two people who've been through so much together warmed my heart.

Take care. You are not alone up at this time and dealing with this. I feel I am in an underworld. Maybe you do too. Xx

Sorry - the cute vignette of my dad visiting my mum seems callous rereading your post about not having family to share this with.

I hear what you're saying about the burden of grief. To feel like you carry everything and no one shares it with you.

sorry for your loss too. Glad you have your dad still and that he was able to be there for your mum with you. x