Anyone facing first Xmas after losing a mum. I need to not feel all these shit things.

[Knackeredhamster]

I love Christmas and I'm so fucking pissed off with the fact it's never going to be the same.
Today I'm just staring at my tree, the natural desire to bring it in from the garden is there but I don't want to at the same time.
I'm worried about how this grief will present itself in each of the days up to Christmas.

Then what. I'll get thru it of course but part of me doesn't want to get through this because that means it's true. She's died.

I might just check in here to vent. I might be of help to others but I can't be sure.
I just need people. People who need the same. To just be in this painful place with me because today it's just got overwhelming and I'm so tired.

Much love

Sorry for your loss OP and everyone else's.
My lovely mum passed away in October.
Also my adult children are for one reason or another not in the UK this Christmas. I have my DH (and his family).
I am finding it very hard.

This is my third Christmas without my mum and it's hard during the festive season for sure. It is such a nostalgic and loaded time.
You will get through it, just keep moving forward. But it's shit.

This will be my twentieth Christmas without my sister. I'm only 35.

It will be so hard and I feel so sad for you and everyone else who has posted, but you WILL survive and you WILL enjoy Christmas again. It will never be the same as it was, but you will find happiness again.

I feel sad that my sister will never know how my life has turned out. She'll never know my DH and my lovely children and they will never know her. But the best thing I can do is to just love my life with all I've got, to live the good bits and the bad bits and just enjoy the ride. You'll probably hate Christmas this year, but that doesn't mean you'll never enjoy Christmas and life again.

Take it easy

I am sorry OP, I don’t have a good Mum but I have seen the utter devastation some of my friends went through when their lovely Mums passed. It must be so hard not to have here here especially at Christmas. I don’t have any advice as I’ve not gone through it but I do know we all rallied around our friends when it happened and we talked about her mum a lot. She said it really helped. Sending you love x

Keep posting.
I'm so grateful for this thread and for the women who have replied in their own pain in response to others.

There's alot to process and thankyou to those I've not responded to or quoted in the last couple of hours.

All your thoughts really do help with the looming Christmas but I truly believe in Christmas good will and all that. It's a very emotional loaded time but probably a time that can bring strangers together in peace for sure.

Xxx

I lost my lovely Mum in October, it still doesn't feel real and I just can't believe that she won't be here with us at Christmas. I really have no interest in it and hope it will just go by. Having to put a face on for everyone else is even more exhausting. I've managed to buy my adult kids some gifts but otherwise keeping it to a minimum. I can't imagine that it will get easier either after the first year. It's awful.

kalkem72

It's utterly shit.

I don't think there's enough words tbh.

Hugs xxx

I hear you OP. This is my 11th Christmas without my Mum (and Dad who died the same year). I find Christmas really hard now. You will get through it, as will I, but we’re allowed to wallow and be sad as and when we need to.

As for remembering them at the end- for a time I was haunted by the memory of how Mum looked at the end of her illness. Over time, those memories have faded. I can still remember how she was but now I’d have to think about it a bit because the other, older memories took over. The ones where she is healthy and happy. In time those will come back to you.

Last Christmas I’d just lost my dad and was coping with my lovely mum who had dementia.
It was a difficult time.

This year, I’m dealing with the loss of mum too. I’m doing my best to cope but want to run and hide.

Sending love to everyone, and as my mum used to say ‘Big steps and little steps’.

That’s become my mantra this last couple of years x

26 years without my darling mum. She too died in September. I had young children and Christmas carried on for them. My mistake was trying to everything to everyone. My dad, my brothers. It doesn't work. I didn't really process her death until the following year.
It's ok to feel rubbish, walk around in a daze, think of all the things you'll never have again. My most painful moments ridiculously was seeing cards in shops for birthdays, Mothers day, Christmas. It literally hurt physically.
You will adapt, life will move on and it won't hurt so much. I still dream about my mum which I find so comforting. In my mind I still think 'how would mum handle this' . She's a part of me and how I live my life.
Sending love to you x

Same here. My mum passed away in October.
I am not sending Christmas cards this year as I can't write a message about happiness and no I'm not looking forward to the New Year.

I lost my mum 4 weeks ago, and dad 13 months before that. My only consolation is that they are together again in spirit.

But I'm struggling.

Love to all who have lost parents x

I lost my mum a while ago, she was 50 and I was 28. It changed everything about how the rest of us related to each other, especially birthdays and Christmas. I was a lot closer to my mum than my Dad

I don't know how this will go down. It will be shit this year, and nothing will change that but that's okay. It's shit because you love her, and miss her. The only way it could be any different is if she didn't mean anything to you, and you wouldn't have wanted that.

What should help is people who love you, and understand that, to help you through this period with those feelings instead of hiding them or pretending its not true. The worst thing would be performing for other people's comfort, they're not the ones who need it

If you haven't got people to talk to, try grief counciling or other options. You can always walk away if they don't work for you, and try other options until you find something that helps. There's not one thing that works for everyone, it's kind of rite of passage, to go through and understand what you need

DM died in april and I'm waiting for probate to sell her flat so pop round there weekly just to check on things. She received a christmas card there today and it completely floored me. I'd forgotten to let that particular old friend know that DM had died and now have to upset her friend at Xmas by letting her know.

I so miss DM who loved the bustle of Xmas. I've no christmas mojo at all and it all feels so hollow. DC put the tree up and I've bought a couple of presents but I'm waay behind where I should be as and joy feels distinctly lacking. I know DM would be giving me a boot up the backside and telling me to crack on with getting everything sorted, but I just dont feel it.

I lost mum this year. I'm finding Christmas a lot harder than I expected. I have young children so having to put some effort in to make it fun for them, when I just want to curl up in bed and cry.

Big hugs to everyone else going though this.

Can I join. I found my mum dead on 1/11/23. It was heart failure. My kids are coping better than me. I just want to sleep.

The time has gone so slowly, it’s just over 8 weeks and already feels like months. It’s so hard to keep going and find the enthusiasm for anything at the moment. I mean I’m getting up, going to work etc but nothing feels right anymore 😥

I am sorry for your loss.
I lost my Husband and my Dad.
I find the build up worse than actual day itself, same with anniversaries.
I just accept now after many years of them passing that l will always feel their absence and it's ok, they were two of the most important men in my life.
I still buy little memorial gifts.
I am finally at that stage where l am just so grateful they were part of my life, but it's taken a lot of time and work on self to get there.
Make sure you look after yourself, grief can be so utterly draining.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. My dear mum died in February this year and all the 'firsts' have been hard. Whilst I am no longer grief-stricken, I think about her constantly and everything reminds me of her. I'm trying to be intentional around occasions when I know it will be difficult and make them a bit of a small celebration. It would have been her 89th birthday last week so I went out with my brothers for a quiet meal and was able to laugh a bit. I'm going to put up an extra Christmas tree this year and put her tree decorations on it as she was very fond of her decorations and loved Christmas. Grief is the hardest and strangest thing. my very best wishes to all who have shared on this thread.

Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories - all so sad. Isn't grief just a total bastard of a thing?!

I lost my amazing, kind, wonderful dad on the 23rd November and I am in bits. I'm getting on with life for my mum, my DH and my kids, but it's very hard. My poor mother is inconsolable and has care needs, so I'm trying to look after her and being the eldest, I'm doing all the 'practical' things that my siblings aren't doing (or are just not able to do, due to their own grief).

My dad arrived in hospital in a lot of pain (healthy until that point). Long story short, they sent him home saying he had a virus, but it turned out that he had a gallstone trapped in his bile duct and this caused an infection and he died from sepsis. I'm so angry I feel like I'm losing my mind. He should still be here.

I need to try to sleep now. I haven't been sleeping at all because I can't make sense of any of this.

@Ficidy utterly devastating, I'm so sorry about your dad.

You've so much to carry and deal with bless you.

Yes I'm in a similar position with supporting other family members.

This thread is here for everyone and even though I'm not in a great place I just want everyone to know I'm reading.

Xx

I lost my mum three weeks ago 😢.
I've also got a big birthday this weekend that she was so excited to celebrate with me.
It's so hard finding the strength to make the magic happen for my children x

Is anyone else finding the admin completely draining? I'm an only and the funeral etc was down to me. Leading up to the funeral every day I had to attend the funeral home or go to an appointment it would take at least a day to recover again.
The funeral was 30/11 and since then I've done nothing re the probate etc even though I had great advice on here. I have done nothing and not visited the house either. Before the funeral I emptied the fridge and secured the hose now I'm just paralysed again.

Lost my lovely mum in March 2021, so 3rd Christmas without her. It's still hard, but this is the first one I'm vaguely looking forward to. It's a cliché, but time helps. Try to remember better, happier times rather than the last few days or weeks.
Sending love and positive energy to you, OP, and all those on this thread in a similar situation.

I recently did an online bereavement course run by

www.ataloss.org/
The course consisted of a mixture of films featuring people describing their personal loss, professionals discussing grief and online discussion in small groups. It's probably not for everybody but I found it really helpful in exploring my grief with others.