Anyone facing first Xmas after losing a mum. I need to not feel all these shit things.

[Knackeredhamster]

I love Christmas and I'm so fucking pissed off with the fact it's never going to be the same.
Today I'm just staring at my tree, the natural desire to bring it in from the garden is there but I don't want to at the same time.
I'm worried about how this grief will present itself in each of the days up to Christmas.

Then what. I'll get thru it of course but part of me doesn't want to get through this because that means it's true. She's died.

I might just check in here to vent. I might be of help to others but I can't be sure.
I just need people. People who need the same. To just be in this painful place with me because today it's just got overwhelming and I'm so tired.

Much love

The thread title is crap.
It's hard to word 😔

I know I'll feel these things but I can't comprehend them. Today I am a bit lost.
She died in September and our relationship was love but we'd had difficulties.
I did all I could to help. She died at home from cancer. I keep seeing her like she was at the end and it's so sad.
I did so much to make it easier for her. But you can't can you xx

Im with you OP. I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 3 months ago. Generally, Im OK, then I remember I need to buy salt and think of the last meal I made my mum and it being too salty and it will set me off. Every thought I have reminds me of her.

Sorry for your loss OP. I totally understand how you feel, my lovely DMs funeral was last Friday. I normally love Christmas but have done absolute 0 - and really cant be arsed to. DH has put the tree up and has busily been buying presents, but I need to buy for him. Im just taking it a day at a time and am thinking about the things my mum used to enjoy and trying to take comfort from those.

I couldn't read and run. This has put a knot in my stomach and throat. I don't know how you will get through it, only that you will. One day/hour/minute at a time ❤️

Thankyou thankyou

We're not alone

I'm sorry to you all. I'm not trying to get pity or alarm anyone. Confidence not good recently and I think it's because it's so crippling at times.

I have a grown daughter. I'll be doing her stocking.
I just hope the magic sustains us.

Please if anyone wants to share or ramble feel free.

Xxxxx

Does anyone else feel this complete disbelief?
I'm not in denial. I was there every step of the way.
You know what's coming but bloody hell you just don't know either.

Xx

Not a mum and not the first year, it's the 3rd Christmas without DH and the period between Rememberance Day and the New Year is unbearably hard every time.

Mostly I'm OK, successfully building a new life, but Christmas and DC without their Dad is really hard. None of the old stuff works without him and I don't know what to do without him or have any real inclination to find fun things to do.

It's only a few weeks and it will be over is the best I can offer.

I can't quote individually as on my phone.

But yes with the salt, even the tiniest thing can set you off.

Your dear husband. I'm very sorry.

Xx

I understand about not being arsed.

Xxx yes taking comfort in familiar things my mum did for Xmas and being thankful I had that and I can share with my daughter xx

My mum died 2 years ago so this will be our 3rd Christmas without her. I’m not going to lie - it still hurts and it’s never going to be the same. But you will get through it. Be kind to yourself.

Not my mum but my brother died in an accident abroad in September - we were very close and I can't imagine spending this Xmas without him 😢. I just want to run away from it all. Just wanted to send you a hug - these are hard times 😢

Sending hugs. Going into my fourth Christmas without my mum after she died aged 52. It’s never been the same since and the day stings. Often I can find the lead up is worse than the day itself. Just know it’s okay not to be okay and if you want to cry, then do it. Take it easy on yourself.

I still have good and bad days. The OK days outnumber the bad but it does come in waves. Even though it will never be the same again you will eventually find some bits of joy in the days again. You’ve just got to take it day by day. This year I have made a donation to a cats shelter in my mums memory in lieu of a gift I used to buy her as she loved cats.

First Christmas without both my parents. Feeling all the same things. Need to pull it together for the sake of everyone else and my husband / kids but really just want to go to bed and wake up when it's all over. Some close friends have invited us for Christmas lunch at theirs which is lovely aa it will mean i wont have to have all the 'mum and dad would have be here' thoughts. thoughts with all you going through loss and grief

Thankyou.

I hadn't thought about that, the next xmases.
Of course.

Shit isn't it.

I hope you get thru ok too. Xxx

I'm so very sorry you must be devastated.

My friend's sibling died this way too.

Much love to you xx

Yes the waves are so unpredictable aren't they.

52 is so young I'm sorry xxx I appreciate you responding

The donation is a wonderful idea x

I lost my lovely mam in August. I have been buying presents but was sat earlier today considering not even putting a tree up. I really just cba at all.

It’s horrible. Big hugs to all of us.

And to you.

Mine was mam. Welsh xxx

It's so very hard I'm sorry. I hope you can get some relief by going to friends
Xxx

My Mum died in September too. I thought at the end of Nov I was doing well but the first week of December was awful. I need to sort the gifts from my Dad for my young children. But I can’t bring myself to do it. My Mum would have being going mental with me for not having done it yet but she isn’t here. When she was in hospital in the weeks before she died did ask me what they wanted for Christmas. I thought she was turning a corner.

I’n exhausted and overwhelmed at night. I don’t sleep well. My Mum had started to buy the girls new dresses for their Christmas parties. My Dad pays for them now. When they put them on Saturday for the school disco I couldn’t send Mum a photo of them.

I'm so sorry.
I too am exhausted by the weight of it all. From what we've been through in mum's journey to the end.

I just want to go to bed as soon as I've got up and sorted for the day.

It must be so hard for you having little ones who are so excited for Xmas and the parties etc...

Sending hugs xxx

I saw your post on the other thread and was trying unsuccessfully to come up with something comforting to say.

The first year is the worst. But I relate I think to what you say about the sort of horror of the idea of multiple Christmases without her.

My mum died from cancer too and I often struggle with the memory of my mum's last weeks and feeling that I didn't do enough for her. It helps sometimes to focus on the things I was able to do for her - the moments where I know I was able to give her comfort and make her feel safe.

Refocusing the images/memories like that might be worth a try if you're getting intrusive images/memories from when she was unwell.

It's very unfair and I'm so sorry for your loss - for everybody's losses. I think it's okay to cry and rage. It helps release the pain a little.

I hope you don't mind op but I'm going to reshare the links from the other thread in case they can help anyone on this thread.

www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/bereavement-information/support-for-yourself/christmas

www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/managing-grief/christmas/

I lost my Mum suddenly in the Summer, I think I’m doing okay (I mean, I get up every day and go to work?) but Christmas is going to be hard. I think about her every single day and replay what happened all the time. You’re not alone, it’s okay to not be okay and to be sad. My Mum loved Christmas so I’ll do my best to keep the joy in the future.

My Mum died of cancer 10 years ago this Xmas. It still really hurts now. People told me it gets less raw over time but it still feels raw for me now, 10 years later. I think it's because my Mum was such a Xmas person. She really loved Xmas and we celebrated most of December and up to January 6th, Twelfve Night. I think you'll find it hard but it's probably best to just keep the same traditions you always shared together. To honour your Mum by living your best life. I go all out at Xmas for the rest of my family and I do enjoy it still, but not as much as when Mum was still here.

I'm so sorry. It's so hard.
We lost our mum October before last. Her birthday is Boxing Day and I think we were all in shock last year.
I'm dreading this year because it actually feels real.
We would text every day and she was my first call for everything and anything.
She was very quickly unwell and went downhill so fast and I spent her last few months caring for her.
It's been over a year of not hearing her voice.
But we're doing ok. She will never be forgotten & we all love her so much.
I'm sorry to anyone going through it because it's heartbreaking but I try and remember the happy times and all the laughing we did.
I try and remember that I was a good daughter and I looked after her the best I could and I brings me peace.
Sending love and peaceful thoughts to everyone who has lost someone they love ❤️