Anyone facing first Xmas after losing a mum. I need to not feel all these shit things.

[Knackeredhamster]

I love Christmas and I'm so fucking pissed off with the fact it's never going to be the same.
Today I'm just staring at my tree, the natural desire to bring it in from the garden is there but I don't want to at the same time.
I'm worried about how this grief will present itself in each of the days up to Christmas.

Then what. I'll get thru it of course but part of me doesn't want to get through this because that means it's true. She's died.

I might just check in here to vent. I might be of help to others but I can't be sure.
I just need people. People who need the same. To just be in this painful place with me because today it's just got overwhelming and I'm so tired.

Much love

For me, it was seeing the sausage stuffing balls in the Christmas food catalogue that made me cry this year. Mum always made them (got to have two types of stuffing!) She died in August, so this is our first Christmas without her. I’ve also caught myself shopping for her, neatly bought some chocolates the other day that she’d have loved.

Tbh, I’d rather not do any of Christmas this year, but we have a 8.5 year old kid, basically on autopilot for them and my dad. The usual family tensions are ratcheting up and I’d rather just hide. I don’t feel I’ve had chance to grieve yet (dealing with the will, probate, ill dad etc) and suspect time off might bring it all to the surface

I resented having to write one that said Mum and Dad to my inlaws as horrible as that sounds

@Diversion This really struck a chord with me. I lost my mum and dad ten years ago and I still sometimes find this kind of stuff difficult with my in-laws even though they are nice people and I love them. Christmas is always tough because although I expect to spend time with my ILs at Christmas (and enjoy doing so), I get twitchy if it’s what I perceive as ‘too much’ time because I can’t spend any time with my parents. It’s not really rational but ‘it is what it is’. Luckily DH is really understanding.

This will be my third Christmas without my mum but I remember the dread in the Autumn (she died in the Spring) as the weather began to change and thoughts turned to Christmas. How no idea how any of us would cope.

I think it's true that often the anticipation is harder than the day itself. It was certainly true of our first Christmas without her. Every single thing in the run up was like a fresh stab, the fact there wouldn't be any of her Christmas cake that year or that no one knew where she kept the famous Christmas napkin rings for the Christmas table. And that there's 8 sets of special cutlery but that year we only laid a table for 7.

But the day itself was actually ok. I figured if it hurt too much I'd just get myself nicely sozzled but I hardly drank at all. The kids kept us entertained and we were able to laugh and be silly. I woke up on Boxing Day morning with this almighty sense of relief - I'd done it, I'd survived. She'd be so proud.

The next one was a little easier, not quite as raw as the first. This one (the third) will be a different set of emotions as my dad recently remarried so we're now back to using 8 sets of cutlery. But it's still painfully obvious she's not there.

We all have a very strong faith though and that gives us hope.

Just be really, really nice to yourself, drink if you want to, cry if you want to, celebrate her as you want to.

My mum died last month, her funeral was three weeks ago. I can't face Christmas so I'm going away to the sun. From her cancer diagnoses to death was super quick. I'm doing okay and going to work etc but it just comes out of nowhere and punches you right in the stomach so unexpetantly. There's not a day goes by where I don't think oh il send this to mum, then remember.

I keep saying to myself "this is the circle of life, she'd want me to live my best life and make the most of mine, shel be so proud of me" but none of that helps when one of those waves come out of the blue. I just feel so sorry she never got to live to a good old age and be retired and enjoy her golden years and it just all happened so fast. She was so brave and strong and never showed any fear, though she must of been terrified as she's always been scared of death. She had booked a big holiday for next year and I think as that date approaches il struggle.

4th Christmas without my mum this year and it's still hard
We always had an amazing family Christmas my whole life with lots of lovely traditions that were passed on to my kids but it's so hard to do it without her even though I know she would have wanted us all to be OK and enjoy it still
Because she died during Covid the last few Christmases have been weird anyway but this time I am trying so hard to make it all good again. Don't know if that's even possible

It was the present tags that just said 'love from dad' and not 'mum and dad' that finished me off.

My 16th Christmas without my lovely mum. It's never been the same without her and I hate Christmas now. The years DD is with her dad I spend alone, it's just a day to get through. She loved Christmas and I can't even face writing cards anymore. It gets much easier day to day but this time of year is hard.

I also find I resent MIL really badly since mum died. We never got on that great but now she really makes me seethe with anger. It's very unfair and I feel a bad person for having those thoughts but honestly deep down I think 'why are you still here and my mum isn't'. Crappy, illogical, not proud of it but can't seem to help it.

I lost my Mum nearly 10 years ago and it still affects me, obviously, but at Christmas it's particularly bad. I have really gone off it without her here. She was just so much fun to be with and so loving. I feel a bit of a fraud when so many of the people posting have lost people so recently.

I lost my Mum in March this year, so first Xmas without her. I'm barely functioning. Am going thro the motions for my DS but each day it gets closer, it's killing me. I also had one of my cats put down after an attack a few weeks ago, which just adds to it. Life is fecking cruel. I have no sage words of advice, sorry. Just know that you're not alone. There will be an awful lot of people putting on a brave face this Xmas. I've brought an Angel Wings candle to light on Xmas day and I know I'm going to be in floods of tears but oddly I know I need to cry bucket loads, I need the release.
Thank you for posting. It's good to share our feelings.

Same. Fundamentally MiL is nice, but she’s becoming increasingly mean / vindictive and lashes out at people, esp DH as whatever he does is never enough. She’s nearly 90 and struggles with her health so I get it, but I also have the same thoughts.

My mum would have done anything to squeeze a few more months out with my dad and us, and to hear my MiL moan about everything around her and basically give up, is galling

My Mum also died in September OP. It's going to be a very strange and hard Christmas without her. Like someone else, Dad gave me a Christmas card with just, 'Love from 'Daddy' in it and I just burst into tears seeing only his name... for his sake as well as mine.

Dad is 89, in poor health and says to me he is depressed, lonely and wants to go to sleep and not wake up.
We don't have children, so at least don't need to put on a big front at Christmas. We will bring Dad over for Christmas lunch with us and then all go and visit Mum's grave on the way back.

I think the hardest thing so far has been seeing some of the Christmas cards sent to Dad. While we told all their close friends at the time obviously, Mum & Dad had quite a lot of acquaintances who they just sent yearly cards to. Some of them didn't know Mum had passed away and so there are Christmas cards written to them both, with lines inside saying things like, 'Hope you are both well.' It feels so painful to think that in someone else's world she is still alive at present but in mine she is gone.

Sending hugs to all on this thread. I’m so very tired. Physically exhausted and mentally feeling like I could crack at any point. I am struggling with the finality of all of this. To the poster who said they’re resenting MIL- I totally get that. DH and DC are going to see PIL next week but I can’t face going. They are kind and generous and love DC but the thought that I can’t come back from a visit and call my own mum… I just can’t face it. All I want to do is just sit in front of mindless tv shows and feel nostalgic.

I’m hopeful that the first Christmas will be the worst. Surely I can’t be this miserable for the rest of time?!

Not my Mum, but my much loved Dad. He died on Christmas Day last year.

I miss him so, SO much and I simply can't get it through my brain that he's really gone, not just "away". I would give my life for just one more day with him.

And it's not getting easier with time. The more time passes, the more bereft and lost I feel. Dad was my rock, my confidant and my unending supporter. No matter what stupid stuff I did, I knew he would never stop loving me.

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. This Christmas is truly going to suck for us, I know. xx

You're not a fraud, I understand what you mean. The pain changes over time, but that's not the same as it being gone. My mum died longer ago than your mum and I still find this time of year painful. You're not alone. @MovedonfromMartin

I wish I had the emotional energy to reply to each of you.
There are so many similar feelings and certain things that we've had to experience which are very difficult and terribly hard to think about or recall.
Particularly for me the speed, the end days.
Things that remind us and catch off guard.
Particularly at Christmas, all those traditional little bits, objects, traditions big or small. Things we didn't even know meant so much, until they don't fully make sense now.

I'm very grateful for all of you sharing with me. I relayed a little of the camaraderie in loss to my younger sibling who was open to hearing about this thread.

Xxx

Oh I also wanted to say 1st Christmas or 20th it's a thread to share.

X

I think there is no way to sugar coat it.. the first Christmas is awful. And then it does get a bit easier every year. I lost my mum many years ago and now think of her with a smile a couple of times on christmas day. Just don't be hard on yourself.... it's going to be shit so do what you need to do to get through it

You're so very right with all of this
First Christmas for me, few months since she passed but her wider family are experiencing lots of tragedy across generations atm which keeps things raw and childhood memories painfully close
But we feel this grief as they were loved, and there is a blessing in that
Much love

My MIL died this year, and FIL ten years ago. DH is not even 40 yet and he has no parents. He seems to be coping okay but I'm very aware this will be the first Xmas where he won't have any family to see (apart from me and DC).

I miss her lots, but it's his mum and I don't know what to do to make this time of year easier for him. We have two dc and are just going though the motions doing everything as normal, but it feels wrong not to acknowledge in some way that she was loved and missed, and I know that he'll be hurting.

My mum died just over 2 weeks ago, funeral isn't till New Year

I have lost all interest but going through the motions for my family. Everything reminds me she not here anymore right now. I can feel the tears brewing just typing this

Sorry for your loss.
I lost my mum suddenly when I was 20. This will be my 9th Christmas without her and I still feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach some days in the lead up. It’s just not the same, and somehow feels so wrong and not like ‘real Christmas’. Wish I had some more positive advice but I’m afraid you just have to muddle through it as best as you can. Hopefully this thread will help you feel less alone in your grief. Just reading a few of the replies has already made me feel less alone ❤️❤️

I lost my mam about six weeks ago so I can relate to a lot of what's been said. Everything seems to trade on the nostalgia of Christmas so it's not easy.

Even things like today I was buying cards and the thought of not buying one for her had me needing a few deep breaths in the shop. Stuff like not buying a present for her. Thinking about how much thought she would put into buying gifts for us and how she would hope we'd like them. This will be the first time since DS came along 10 years ago she won't be here with us on Christmas morning opening gifts and seeing the look on his face.

It's crazy to think it was two months ago we were celebrating DS birthday together, one month ago it was her funeral, and in a few days we'll be doing Christmas without her. She's a big miss already and I'm not sure how that will hit on the day.

My mum died mid Oct, I'm executor. It is extremely draining. I have siblings but they are useless, and not executors so not doing anything. They make it worse really by asking stupid questions ("will the florist have biodegradable string?") and not responding when I ask them questions (like, is there anything you want from the house before I empty it out).

I've not done any probate stuff, I'm just keeping a log of finances.

Re Christmas - I never spent Christmas with her as my brother was her preferred Christmas companion. I think in some ways that makes it harder.

I'm being practical and going to her house over the Christmas period because stuff needs doing and I've not got time generally. No DC here either so I'm pretty much on my own. Neither sibling has offered to help with anything.

Sigh. The whole thing is hard.

I guess on the plus side I don't have to buy all the presents for her to give to everyone else and them all think how marvellous she is and never wonder why I get crap.

I do miss her though, and her funny ways.

Similar here, I've been dealing with pretty much everything as my sister lives away and my brother seems to have just thrown himself into work.

I had a room in my house full of stuff from my mam's flat. I was sorting through it at my own pace and I did find it very draining. In the end I had a really hard time one night when I found a bag full of cards and presents we'd made for her over the years. Some things she had she must have kept for 30+ years. I told my sister and she came up for the day and it was a big help having her here. I've known nothing like how much this has taken it out of me.

I broke down in Greggs this morning - bloody Christmas songs ! I will be so glad when I don’t have to listen to them and it’s all over. I’ve managed to pretty much keep everything to a minimum but I can feel it all building up inside. You just look at everyone else carrying on as normal and wonder if you will ever feel the same again.