Anyone facing first Xmas after losing a mum. I need to not feel all these shit things.

[Knackeredhamster]

I love Christmas and I'm so fucking pissed off with the fact it's never going to be the same.
Today I'm just staring at my tree, the natural desire to bring it in from the garden is there but I don't want to at the same time.
I'm worried about how this grief will present itself in each of the days up to Christmas.

Then what. I'll get thru it of course but part of me doesn't want to get through this because that means it's true. She's died.

I might just check in here to vent. I might be of help to others but I can't be sure.
I just need people. People who need the same. To just be in this painful place with me because today it's just got overwhelming and I'm so tired.

Much love

My Mum died at the end of November last year. Christmas was hard, there were things I found incredibly difficult such as only buying a card which said Dad instead of Mum and Dad and I resented having to write one that said Mum and Dad to my inlaws as horrible as that sounds. I like a nice Christmas table and usually have place cards but couldnt face them last year and I refused to let my husband buy me a card because my Dad would not be able to buy one with wife on. We got through it, it was not easy at times. This year is slightly easier and Dad is doing better than I expected. Do what you feel you can do and if you cant do things that is fine too. Dont feel that you have to put up a tree or have Christmas Dinner or send cards. Do what feels ok or do something completely different. Take each day as it comes, look after yourself and if you need support let people know. Sending much love.

Hi Op. it’s really shit. My lovely mum died 16 years ago and I can’t quite believe I’ve done that many Christmases without her. It does bring the grief to the forefront. I think because Christmas is a lot of tradition / nostalgia.

things that helped me:

• I know you said you don’t want to feel it all but for me I just had to let the feelings come. Feel them, sit with them but still keep going.
• accepting that feelings can coexist. You can be both happy to be spending Christmas with your DD and sad that your own mum is not here.
• take comfort in the good memories, talk about them, keep them alive
• flip it - how this Christmas with your DD is one of her future precious memories with her mum!

mostly just do whatever helps you and be gentle with yourself. It’s so hard

I lost my mum a year ago today very suddenly - literally from becoming unwell to death was 7 hours. She was buying Christmas presents the day before. Last Christmas was hard. See was cremated on 23rd. I had already bought her and my dad a joint present. Was heartbroken to give it to him.

we spent it together the 3 of us doing something she really wanted to do but didn’t get to do. We are trying to change the narrative to make it a celebration of her life b

My mum died last week unexpectedly in her sleep. We're all cracking on but I'm exhausted with the mental load of it all. Liaising with the coroner, arranging the funeral, notifying people... all whilst dealing with the usual Christmas chaos.

I've put up the decorations, posted my cards, wrapped presents and ordered the Tesco delivery. I even finished icing some little Christmas cakes mum had made and took them to her keep fit class.

It feels like we're letting the grief in a little at a time but I'm very scared that it'll hit us like a ton of bricks in the new year when there aren't all these tasks to distract us.

Sending big hugs to you all and hope you find some peace in the sadness.

Exactly all of this. I seem to be running from the grief by making elaborate plans. The kitchen is now covered in paint samples ffs.

What a massive shock for you PinotPony, my sincere condolences. Icing those cakes is a beautiful act of love. I hope your Christmas will be peaceful.

It is really hard OP, I remember going into Marks and Spencer the first Christmas after my Mum died, and just standing there crying by the potted flowers as I always bought her some. It was these unexpected things that would catch me and floor me. Thinking “what shall I get for Mum?” A split second before reality hit, the smell of Christmas food in the house, wrapping presents on Christmas Eve.
To be honest it took years for that feeling to go, and even now, seven years on, I have a little wobble in the flower section at Christmas.
Be as gentle with yourself as you can, and take time to think of your Mum and allow yourself to grieve and be sad. I have been missing my Mum a lot this year, these things aren’t linear.

Knackeredhamster...... I'm so sorry for your loss. Its been just over a year since I lost my mum. The firsts have been very difficult. I just took it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. . I loved her but we didn't have the best relationship. Sending huge hugs x raise a glass on Christmas day and send your love to her x

My mum loved Christmas so we made sure we celebrated just as she would have liked to have done, seemed the best way to "include" her in the season.
We have some of her decorations so that helps.

The bloody plants. I bought my mum an amaryllis every single year.

I’m on my third Christmas without mum. We cooked Christmas dinner together every year since I was old enough to peel sprouts, so I have a lot of memories, of Christmas music, steamy hot kitchens, the smell of cooking, and, once I was in my late teens, a glass of Baileys to add more cheer. I still have her apron hanging on my kitchen door, it still smells faintly of mum though the smell fades a little every year.
The first Christmas is so difficult because it is unknown. It doesn’t get easier though. I am just grateful that I got to have such a wonderful woman as my mum, even if we never managed to get the sprouts quite perfect.
Hugs to everyone who is dealing with grief this year, whether it’s old grief or new grief. I hope the memories bring more smiles than tears x

Third year without my Mum and it’ll be the second year without Dad. He died unexpectedly mid December last year. The thing that hit me the most was getting back to the house after the funeral and finding the Christmas present he’d bought for us had been delivered. Absolutely floored me.
Christmas didn’t really happen but their wedding anniversary was Boxing Day so we met as a family and scattered their ashes.
I’m struggling to feel Christmassy this year. Too many memories.

My DM died 27 yrs ago. She loved Christmas so it is always a tricky time emotionally but over the years we have built our own traditions. Although the last few years have been low key for one reason or another. As a family, DH, DS19 and me, we no longer do lots of gifts, DS had a list but has had most of it already. He needs a new phone so that will be his only actual Christmas gift. Christmas dinner is our only celebration.

My DM died at the end of October so our first Christmas without her was a bit raw. I coped, we had Christmas with INLAWS and close family so that was a distraction, I didn’t see my own family. I don’t remember much about it. What I do remember was tearing up our wall planner for 1996 and setting it alight on the patio. It was cathartic and my way of sticking two fingers up to what had been an awful year.

Work had been stressful, we had bought the business premises and had a lot of building work done. I then had a miscarriage just before my DM was diagnosed with secondary cancer and then we lost her quite quickly. It was such an overwhelming time and a period of my life I have filed away.

What it has done is made me tough and resilient. Life hasn’t been great over the last few years but the loss of my DM was probably the worst thing that has happened, DF died a few yrs later ( both were quite young) and it was easier because we knew that life goes on and you will be happy again.

I still find Christmas hard and I am a little envious of people moaning about the obligatory family get together but then I’m also relieved that we can just hibernate at home and not have to travel.

I do feel for my DS who hasn’t experienced the “big” family Christmas for a few years. At the moment he’s not interested in family, he’s enjoying his own social life.

Hugs to you all. I'm facing up to my 7th Christmas after my Mum died and I will miss her as ever but it gets a little easier to live with.
My poor DH on the other hand may well lose his Mum before we get to Christmas this year. He wrote her a card this week despite knowing she probably won't be able to open it or see it and he was in bits knowing it's the last time he will write her a Christmas card.

That made me well up. Sending love to you and everyone here who misses their Mum.
My eldest is at University and that has made me more aware of how fast the time goes, of how long it is since my parents saw my children, how proud they would be of both of them. Not helped by having a MIL who is very uninterested and not affectionate , when my own Mum absolutely adored her Grandchildren.

My mum was receiving palliative care her last Christmas, so she knew it was her last Christmas and New Year. She was inconsolable and it was horrific. Every year I relive it.

I wish I was as strong as the rest of you. It's been years and I still turn into a broken shadow every December.

My dp's mum died 3 months ago, I know of it wasn't for me or the kids (his and mine) he would prefer to just watch tv, but he puts on his happy face, mind you the only thing he actually has to do is buy booze, everything else is taken care of, even bought his DD's stocking fillers

I went to my dad's this week and he opened one of the drawers in the kitchen. I saw the colander and it brought back such a memory of my mum I could have cried. The colander!

I've had a lovely little baby since my mum died, I wish she could see him. And my little girl is just ace and I can't believe my mum has missed so much.

Just checking in.

I'm sorry for all your losses.

Auto pilot xxx

But acknowledgment on this thread.

Xxx

I just want to be past Xmas & NY now, not that it will make any difference to how I feel after but I can just feel it all building up.
The worst is just knowing nothing helps the pain. How do you all deal with it ? I try to get out for a walk every day and meditation that does feel like a bit of a break from the thoughts. I met up with some old colleagues last night, the first time I’ve been out with a group of people and just felt so lost and disinterested inside - it’s awful to be feeling so sad 😞

Things that set me off today...

• The black dress I have for mum's funeral next week has a split. I'll give it to mum to sew up... oh...

• Mum will know how to make really good chutney for me to gift my friends...

• We always need an extra dining chair for Christmas dinner... except now we don't...

• Ooo another envelope! Is it a Christmas card or a sympathy card? (Currently the sympathy cards are winning)

Love and hugs to all …
my lovely dad died in March… I haven’t processed it yet as I had to organise everything as my mum refused to deal with anything…. Also had a serious op … other family stuff to deal with… and am finding my mum draining as much as I love her…. I too just want to crawl into bed and howl…. I miss him and am full of silly regrets…. Wasted times etc… my mum is lovely but quite selfish and I’m finding it hard to cope with… she is coming for Xmas and if I am totally honest I don’t want her too… which makes me feel horrible and guilty… I just feel like I haven’t had any time to grieve and it’s all built up like a pressure cooker…
I don’t want to do anything Christmassy… I don’t want to cook shitty Christmas food and I don’t want to look after my needy mother for the whole of the holidays ….
Today seems to be some kind of catalyst for it all… my dad was the go to person now everyone looks to me 😢

Relate to all of these I really do. In all honestly it was a relief to take the sympathy cards down. I am sticking them all in the condolence book to keep but I was glad to not be faced with them every time I went in the living room x

I have nothing useful to say OP, other than you’re not alone. Mum passed on 30 October. I just want to scream. I am so angry that life still goes on and that Christmas will still happen without her. I just want to sleep and wake up on 7 January. Instead I have to put in a brave face for DH and DD.

My mum died the week before Christmas last year so just had the first anniversary. I've found December very hard. I feel like Christmas is tainted and all the kids activities (concerts, parties, light switch ons etc) remind me of how December last year we were effectively counting down to the end. I still have this sense of disbelief that it's happened at all coupled with intrusive thoughts of 'the end' that I wish I hadn't witnessed.

Christmas last year was completely bizarre. Visiting the undertakers and then going to a soft play party straight after. Obviously santa still came and we had dinner but it was just so odd. I can't believe our last Christmas together was 2 years ago. It seems like forever but no time at all.