Please help me with funeral arrangements

[feedmenow]

My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.

Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.

I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.

I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.

I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.

I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?

Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?

FMN - that is what Zara told me as well about the counselling. Although at the time they had Anna as well so they could offer it to you both, sounds like they haven't replaced her! PM me if you want to talk about what it was like. I'll go over to SANDS just in case you do...

I nevr talked about it at the time, just shut myself in with it, my exsisting son was only 15 months old the first time, and seemed to remember just going through the motions with him.

I was also in a horrendus marriage, where I was hiding the state of that as well.

Within a year, I had left Ex and my Mom, got hold of me, and made me talk. (Fantastic Mom)

The second time 10 years later, well, lets just say that 1991, was a year I would rather forget, I lost my DD, Mom and got divorced all within 3 months.

But now I look back and I can talk about it, time never lets you forget, but it does dull the pain.

shoshe - you are a true survivor my love - think we should start up a gang of the survivors

I am sorry I dont relly have any words of wisdom to offer because when I think of how I got through Its strange..... I remember frasers death, birth and funeral as clear as day but I cant remember what else I did or did not do around this time. I knowI did feel like I wanted to be alone a lot.

Shabster its reassuring to hear you still get upset 6 years down the line

I hope you dont take that the wrong way.. its just my little boy will be gone 4 years this month and I really thought I was mad for still feeling really weepy at times

Its nice to know I am not alone

thank you for sharing

frasersmummy -

My twin boy died 26 years ago and my 7 year old was killed by a reversing lorry 16 years ago. The majority of the time I am OK. When I hear a brass band, see a sunflower, butterfly, or see the film Back to the future (Matts fav) I am a wreck.

How weird that everybody has mentioned loss of memory around our awful bereavements.

Take care love, thinking about you xxxxx

I have been trawling through all my books and letters and cards. I wonder if this is of any help?

YOUR COMPASSIONATE FRIEND

I can tell by that look, friend, that you need to talk,
So come take my hand and let's go for a walk.
See, I'm not like the others, I wont shy away.
Because I want to hear what you've got to say.

Your child has died and you need to be heard,
But they don't want to hear a single word.
They tell you your child's 'with God , so be strong.'
They say all the right things that somehow seem wrong.

They're just hurting for you and trying to say,
They'd give anything to help take your pain away.
But they're struggling with feelings they can't understand,
So forgive them for not offering a helping hand.

I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile.
I'll wait while you cry and be glad if you smile.
I won't criticise you or judge you or scorn.
I'll just stay and listen 'til your night turns to morn.

Yes the journey is hard and unbearably long,
And I know that you think that you're not quite that strong.
So just take my hand 'cause I've got time to spare
And I know how it hurts, friend, for I have been there.

See, I owe a debt you can help me repay,
For not long ago I was helped the same way
And I stumbled and fell through a world so unreal,
So believe me when I say that I know how you feel.

I dont look for praise, or for financial gain,
And I'm sure not the kind who gets joy out of pain.
I'm just a strong shoulder who'll be here 'til the end -
I'll promise to be your compassionate friend.

shabster,that is so right,x

justjules - can identify so much with the drinking point. Even now, all these years later, I could easily start again. Now I manage to control it - but every birthday, anniversary, xmas, etc etc it is so hard. In May/June/July we hit both boys memorium days (is that the right word??) and Matt will be 24 in June. We will be in Rhodes on holiday on his birthday - I will raise a glass to him but try not to loose control

FMN - You ok honey? Anything we can do?

Jules - had a nose at your scan photo WOW - I have put my first granbaby (due in June) on my profile How are you feeling?

Just wanted to put your mind at rest FMN. When DH and I lost our daughter in December I experienced many of the things you are now going through.

From the first day we had to leave the hospital without our baby, DH and I opened (at least) a bottle of wine every night. Despite the midwife's worries that I wouldn't be able to sleep I actually slept like a log - it was a welcome dark hole I fell into every night and, as you say, the only time I was able to escape the horror of what had happened to us.

My over-riding feeling in the first couple of months was one of pointlessness. There seemed no purpose to getting out of bed every day. There was no joy left in the world and I felt totally bereft of hope.

Trying to bring some semblance of normality back into our lives was a slow process. Our friends were an enormous support - they surrounded us and drew us back into life. For me, easing myself back into work helped too. Though nerve-racking at first (the terror of someone who hadn't heard what had happened asking how the baby was was almost overwhelming) it helped bring some structure back to my days and restored some of the purpose I had lost.

Haven't tried counselling myself - have found the best advice/support/help has come from DH, friends, family and, of course, MN. x

Morning FMN. Morning ladies. Just signing in with you all. FMN any news sweetheart? You are, as always, in my thoughts.

FMN just calling by to say thinking of you and to see if you had any news r/e funeral yesterday ?

in my thoughts, so very much.
love and hugs

ooh shabster what a beautiful poem and so so true..
I found and still find people dont want to talk to me about my little boy ...

its nice to see so many mummies all reaching out to help each other on this thread..

anyone heard from fmn recently?? is she ok

Good morning everyone. My DS4 has gone to Llandudno with school today on a Geography trip. I was putting his spending money in an envelope and on the front I wrote Matthew....instead of Tom!!

Didn't realise what I had done till Tom said 'Mum - you are cracking up I'm not Matthew.'

I waited till I got back from school before I had a cry

Now I am worrying about the coach trip, will they keep him safe while they are there, please look after my lastborn - oh the joys of being a neurotic older mum.

FMN - How are you chuck? Not heard from you for a few days. Just post 'get lost shabster' if you want - I will understand.
Thinking about you, as always. xx

Gosh, yes, Shabster. I think the anxiety is heightened so much, naturally, after losing children.

It can also make you appreciate the surviving children though - although I am very aware of not being a smothering mum!

I have also discovered (thanks to bashing stuff out on here) some real attachment issues that I've finally started to address.

I hope everything's ok with you, FMN. I'm not sure our "tales" will be terribly helpful just now but hope that it shows that you will,eventually, get through this whilst not forgetting your baby.

awww shabster..thats one of those moments that leaves you reeling

I think you are really brave for managing to get all the way home before giving in to tears

sending you hugs

so many incredibly sad and brave stories here.

Feedmenow, so so for your loss, I cannot begin to imagine the dark place you are in right now.

i would say, sleep as much as you can, and do only what you really have to. Be kind to your self, and let your body heal, as it sounds like you have been physically through a huge amount. Take care.

FMN hope you are feeling okay, one day at a time sweetie one day at a time.

Afternoon ladies.

Feel bit concerned FMN - just thinking about you and wondering if you are up to putting a few lines on here - basically cause Im very nosey

Seriously, hope things are (now I am stuck for the right word) ok (thats the wrong word) for you and your family. xxx

Good morning everybody.

FMN cant stop thinking about you.

Don't get lost Shabster! It is lovely to log on and see you are thinking of me.

I haven't been on for a few days for a few reasons, although mainly cos I've been feeling so crappy.

Spoke to FD on Tuesday and finally have a funeral booked for 15th. Still an awfully long time away....... But booking the funeral really brought it all home to me and I feel like everything is getting worse. I think if we'd had the funeral within a couple of weeks I would have been stronger, but as time passes I dread the funeral more and more.

I took Eris' beautiful dress and shawl to the FD yesterday and am now waiting to hear back from the lady her opinion on whether or not I should visit Eris in the Chapel of Rest. I feel I might have to go anyway, but I'll see what the FD advises.

I also finally spoke to the Bereavement Counsellor at the hospital today and asked for an appointment to see her. Because of staff retirement and annual leave, I can't see her until 12th May! Over 5 weeks away!

I've also had an appointment letter through to see the consultant to discuss the PM, on 14th May. I have read that lots of people have had to wait an awful lot longer than this, so it seems quite reasonable.

I'm feeling a bit disappointed with myself too, as I would really love to be able to get up and speak at the funeral, but every time I open my mouth about Eris I start crying so I just know I wouldn't manage at the funeral. However, both my mum and MIL have said they would like to say a few words, so at least someone is. But I just really feel that as her mum it is my duty. There are so few things I will ever be able to do for her, and I should be able to do this.....

Anyway, I am going to go now and try and add a photo of my angel to my profile so you can all have a peek and see how gorgeous she is.

FMN. I have only ever been to the funeral of one baby . The mum really wanted to say something, but felt similarly choked. She recorded something beforehand about her baby and then it was played during the service.

So sorry to hear about your beautiful little girl.

The only funeral I've had direct experience of was my Dad's. Although it was a horrible day, I did feel better after it was over. I hope that's the case with you, too.

Please don't feel that you have to say something at the service; my advice would be to let your mum/mil do it. You could ask them to read a poem on your behalf. Then, if you feel at the time that you want to, you still can, but there's no pressure. You might find that you just want quiet reflection. Don't forget that you will be with your loved ones, people who care for you and your family; I'm sure there will be no 'expectation'.

Best wishes xx